Archive for April, 2010

Date: April 30th, 2010
File Under: Live your best life

Episode 59: Glamorous, High-Flying, Action-Packed Dream Jobs

Live in Chicago, Oprah is outside HARPO studios and way above them is stuntswomen Angela Meryl. Oprah is a little nervous, but Angela has assured her that this is just another day in the office for her. There is an ambulance standing by, this is a show about dream jobs, and Angela says that she loves every minute of her death-defying work.

But first, meet the woman who helps millions of people get dressed every morning, sometimes including the FIrst Lady. She is the visionary behind J.Crew. Watch this and Oprah will meet us back inside.

Jenna Lyons, the executive creative director at J.Crew, has had to convert an entire bedroom into her closet to house her clothing and shoes . She color codes her shoes. She shares her Brooklyn townhouse with her husband and 3 year old son. “I love going to work every day. I never sit on the edge of my bed and think, ‘Oh, I don’t want to do this today,’” Jenna says. Since she was a child, Jenna has had a flair for fashion, adding ruffles and sequins and switching out buttons on outfits. Jenna landed her first job at J.Crew when she was only 21 and has been flying up the ladder ever since. Today, she oversees a creative force of more than 100 designers and every aspect of the J.Crew kingdom. She has back to back meetings on the day the Oprah crew were there, weighing in on new J.Crew creations starting on summer 2011, then moving on to wedding gowns and what is new for fall. She also directs the designs, layouts and looks for the catalogue. Jenna makes it a point to be home by 6.30pm each night even though her buzzing Blackberry comes home with her. Coming home to her son is the perfect end to any day. Better even than puppies, says Oprah.

Oprah says that she is dressed head to toe in J Crew and she didn’t realize that they made shoes and they are so comfortable. A reasonable heal and a comfortable shoe, she says. Jenna says that there is an interior platform which makes them that much more comfortable, it makes a big difference. Oprah asks if Jenna recognized that this was a dream job. Jenna said that she never dreamed that she could have a job this great. Oprah says that she used to wear J.Crew all the time for casual wear, and the first time that she saw Michelle Obama wearing J.Crew, she went out and bought J.Crew stock. And that was a very good decision. Other than Jenna, Oprah said that the First Lady is the face of J.Crew. One of the most exciting moments of Jenna’s career was seeing Michelle Obama appear on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno in head-to-toe J.Crew. “The trailer came up and she comes up on the screen, and I could barely breathe.” She could barely talk or breathe, she slapped her husband on the head and Blackberries were flying. Jenna is a huge fan of Michelle anyway- as am I says Oprah- So to have her wear J.Crew and mention them on national television was amazing. Oprah mentions when Michelle wore the sweater, and Jenna says “she is the gift that keeps on giving, in many ways.” They laugh. Jenna lives by a few fashion rules she says everyone could benefit from following.

*Make a statement with jewelry.

*Balance feminine pieces with tomboy accents, like a military blazer.

*Wear opposites. If you’re wearing something tailored, sprinkle in some sequins.

*Mix textures—pair tweed with silk, for example.

Oprah noticed that in the film Jenna wore the same striped shirt, (“I was. I was shopping my closet,” says Jenna) with sequined pants which Oprah would never in a million years have thought to do. An easy rule to go by, says Jenna is to always pair opposites. Oprah asks how she scored such a dream job. Scoring your dream job is about doing what you love, Jenna says. “You don’t actually think about what time it is. I never look at the clock. I love what I do ,and I think I don’t care about whether I’ve been there, you know, until 10 p.m.,” (although she no longer does that now that she has a child). Oprah says that anyone who is successful says the same- do what you love and find a way to get paid for it. “And do it 110 percent, whatever you do—whether it’s getting the coffee, whether it’s putting the finishing touches on that dress—do it 110 percent. The people you work with will notice, and that will be rewarded,” says Jenna.

Oprah asks if we are in an era of our own personal style and we can mix it up. Yes, says Jenna, that is exactly what Michelle Obama does, wearing sneakers and a t-shirt and J.Crew pants. Wearing all different designers, anything goes, it is about finding your own personal style and what feels like you. Oprah asks what they are looking for when they are doing the catalogue- Jenna says that they are looking for what feels new, what they like this year, which is often what they didn’t like last year. Oprah thanks Jenna for coming on the show. And the shoes, thanks for the shoes, says Oprah. Oprah is so excited that she can wear these shoes all day, normally they are her 45 minute shoes. That makes Jenna very happy.

He is the Cake Boss. Buddy Valestro has been running his family bakery since he was 17. From rhinos to dragons to the NY skyline to a life size race car, it’s all a piece of cake. Today, customers line up for Buddy’s sweet treats, and millions tune in to see him at work on his TLC show, Cake Boss. Now he’s taking on one of his biggest jobs to date: making a cake for Oprah. He says that it is one of the most important jobs that he’s worked on. The team works tirelessly on this. The clock is ticking and the driver needs to hit the road. They ship it in one piece and drive it to Chicago.

Let’s see it, says Opah, wow! She screams. Oh my God, she screams. There’s my tree, there’s my tree! She shouts, wow. His creation is a cake in the shape of Oprah’s favorite tree, complete with Oprah and her dogs sitting beneath it. “I wanted to make something that made you feel happy,” Buddy says. “And I know that you love to sit under your oak tree.” Oprah is so excited that there is a mini version of her under the tree with the dogs, and she is reading Buddy’s new book with him and her on the cover. Wow, says Oprah, that is so good, thank you. The first time Buddy worked in a bakery, it was as a punishment. “Me and my friends got caught actually playing with matches. I was 11,” Buddy says. His Dad said: “You want to play around with your friends on weekends? I’m going to put you to work, and you’re going to start to understand what it’s really like to work.” So I went to the bakery, and to my amazement, I instantaneously loved it.” From that moment, Buddy says he knew he wanted to be a baker. Buddy’s dreams were initially inspired by his father, he says. “I so looked up to him and he was my idol and my mentor, and I wanted to be just like him,” Buddy says. “My dad passed away when I was 17, and me and my family had to keep the business running, and I had to step into my father’s shoes, which were really big shoes to fill.” To gain the respect of all the employees at 17 was a hard job. Oprah asks what his Dad would think if he saw Buddy now with his own TV show. “He would be so proud,” says Buddy, tearing up. Oprah hugs him. Buddy promised his mother, wife and sister that one day he would be on Oprah and make a cake for her. This has been a dream of his for a long time. Oprah asks his family to stand up. When it comes to landing your dream job, Buddy says it’s about working hard, following your dreams and finding your zone. When he makes cakes, “It’s like an artist painting his painting. I don’t hear nothing. I feel no pain, and I just concentrate,” he says. “When you’re done, you feel like you’re so tired because you gave everything you have into that project, but you look at what you made and you’re like, ‘Wow.’” To see someone’s reaction after you did it, it’s the best, he says. Oprah says that the description of the zone is what athletes describe. Oprah asks if he ever gets bored making cakes. He says you always change it up and raise the bar. Sometimes he needs to just make cakes, it’s his zen. For all the people who want to be the next cake boss, follow your dreams and work hard and you never know what will happen. “I mean I’m standing next to Oprah Winfrey and I made her a cake!” They hug again. Thank you Buddy and his family, says Oprah. His family is here with his signature canolis and cake for everyone. The crowd cheer as the food comes in.

Dubbed the rock ‘n’ roll florist, Jeff Leatham has made a name for himself with his unconventional style and bold designs. He’s perhaps best known as the star of TLC’s Flowers Uncut, but he’s currently the artistic director of the Four Seasons Hotel George V in Paris. He was blown away by the artistry of the flowers at the Four Seasons in LA and right away he knew that it was something that he wanted to do. He has created beautiful bouquets for Cher, Tina Turner and Eva Longoria.

Jeff is in the studio, he asks the boys to bring out the flowers- over 32,000 stems. He loves the color blocking but this is Plan B. Originally the flowers were to come from Amsterdam but there is a “little volcano problem.” The audience get some flowers. They cheer. Jeff shows Oprah the hydrangea clouds made from chandeliers. The peonies are some of Oprah’s favorites. Jeff says that doing this job for Oprah was so much fun.

Oprah thinks it’s interesting that for his first job with flowers, he said that he had experience, but he didn’t. He’d worked in the yard with his father before. “I never wanted to work with flowers. I trained to be a model in L.A., and worked for the GAP for many years and I said, ‘I have to either move back home to Utah or get a job.’ So, luckily enough, I had a friend that worked at the Four Seasons in Los Angeles at the flower shop,” he says. They gave him a chance. “I walked into that hotel and I saw it was like art. This is like walking into a museum, and they’re creating something so special that I said, ‘I have to be a part of this.’” Jeff says his designs are inspired by both passion and color. “People often say to me: ‘What do you do with your designs? Do you sketch?’ I used to sketch a lot, but my sketches are really bad, it’s like a Curious George book” he says. “It’s better to kind of sit back and look at color and go from there.” Oprah remembers walking through the Four Seasons in Paris and had one of those Oh My Gosh moments- she asked who did this. They told her about Jeff and gave her a book. She says that there is a tilt to it- Jeff says that his whole life has a tilt to it. He thinks that you have to re-imagine what can be done with flowers. Oprah thinks having flowers in the house is one of the nicest things that you can do for yourself. If you’re looking to send flowers to someone, Jeff suggests sending a bouquet without a vase and passing on arrangements of many different types of flowers. “Just say [to the florist], ‘What’s the most beautiful flower you have in your shop right now?’ … Just send a big bunch of the same type,” he says. Spend more money on the flowers, we all have too many vases in our homes. “It’s really important, too, to really think clean, simple and chic.” Don’t get nervous. A luxury flower tip is to use carbonated water like Perrier to make bubbles around the stems and the flowers. Oprah asks what advice he would give to someone to find their dream job. He needed a paycheck, that is what he was after originally. But, like Buddy said, it’s finding your passion and doing what you love to do and creating something that stops people in their tracks. “We’re all so busy in the brouhaha of everyday life,” he says. “If you stop a businessman in the lobby of a hotel or if you make something in a restaurant and they’ll stop and say, ‘That’s amazing,’ you’ve done your job.” It’s about taking time in life to say it’s not so bad, he says. Oprah says it’s filled with flowers. The audience cheer. She thanks Jeff and his team.

Oprah asks Angela if she is still on the roof outside and if she can come down. Angela turns around and leaps off the roof.

One of Hollywood’s leading stuntwomen Angela Meryl jumped off the Harpo Studios roof. This mom has smashed through glass, tumbled down stairs, dangled from helicopters and walked through fire. She says that everyone has a dream job, and this is hers. Come on out Angela Meryl. Oprah says that this would not be her dream, how come it is Angela’s? As a girl, Angela says she was a tomboy who loved playing in the yard and getting into trouble alongside her brother. This adventurous spirit led to a successful career in Hollywood, where she’s been a stunt double for actresses like Halle Berry, Beyoncé and Vivica A. Fox, one of the stars of the Kill Bill movies. Oprah asks her if she ever gets scared, Angela says yes, but being on Oprah is more scary than jumping off a building. Oprah asks if she has ever been hurt? She got stitches in her hand falling through a glass table for Kill Bill. They show an extract of her in Kill Bill. When she looks at it, Angela says that she doesn’t know who that girl is. She says that she is shy and timid. Oprah asks what Angela’s mother thinks? At first, Angela says her mother didn’t take her kick-butt career aspirations seriously. “She told me to get a real job, actually,” she says. Thankfully, Angela didn’t listen. Angela says she lives by the belief that if you follow your passion, you’ll never work a day in your life. A delight to meet you says Oprah, thanks. Then Oprah says don’t try this at home.

If you love gadgets and gizmos, Internet analyst Omar Wasow might just have your dream job. Ten years ago, he introduced Oprah to email, when Oprah thought why would anyone want to do that? He got one of the firtst iPad’s in the world- he got it a week before it was released. He wanted to tell all his friends but he was sworn to secrecy, like the CIA. Oprah says that she had to wait until the release day. This is what Omar loves about his job, he gets to play with the future. Oprah loves books and loves the Kindle app so that you can take the books from your Kindle and put them on your iPad. Oprah loves the light. “I love to read the news, and now I read the news in bed on the iPad,” says Omar. He loves the digital photography. Yes, yes, yes, yes enthuses Oprah. It’s great for sharing photos and board games. Oprah does Scrabble! She loves it! They high five. He shows an interactive example of an interactive book, Alice in Wonderland. “I know there’s going to be a generation of kids who learn to read on interactive books. Oprah gets excited about a moving element on the screen. Omar says that it will make books more interesting for children. A mom can record her voice reading to the kid if she is away. It’s going to change the way kids learn, says Oprah. He shows her Oprah.com and the email system. His favorite thing to use it for is reading and photographs. He has all of Oprah’s photos on his iPad. He says it’s nice for watching movies and it’s super easy to navigate. He uses it for many things instead of his laptop. With 10 hours of battery life, they talk about how fabulous it is, they go to Oprah’ book club. Oprah thinks it will change the way we read. “I never knew I needed it, and now it’s hard to live without it,” Oprah says. “That iPad can do things you didn’t imagine.”"I learned to read from comics,” Omar says and he believes there will be a generation of kids who learn to read from interactive books. Oprah thanks him and says that he has a cool job. He grew up loving gadgets. As a child, Omar says his parents and grandparents encouraged his curiosity, and now, he puts it to good use.

Many people dream of soaring high through the air, and for Daphne and Eboni, it’s all in a day’s work. These women are two of the acrobatic “wine angels” at Aureole Restaurant in Las Vegas. Their job description? To gracefully ascend Aureole’s four-story wine tower and retrieve bottles for diners below. Inspired by the movie Mission Impossible, the wine angels are strapped into an elaborate harness system and pulled to top of the 42-foot glass and steel tower, which holds 10,000 impressive bottles of wine. This is an extreme job. “It’s one of the greatest jobs I’ve ever had,” Daphne says. “I love it.” Welcome Daphne and Eboni, they ascend into the studio. How cool, says Oprah. They give her wine. They have never dropped a bottle. Daphne grew up in the Philippines and says that her family consider her to be a celebrity, especially now she’s been on Oprah. Eboni says this is also her dream job…for now. “Ultimately, I want to become an amazing accountant,” she says. Oprah thanks them and says next time you are in LA, check out the wine angels at Aureole Restaurant. The dream job team have all agreed to sign the No Phone Zone Pledge today, so Oprah is excited about that. Friday April 30th is the National No Phone Zone Day special event. Oprah’s first boss in television, Harold Krump stands up in the audience. When Oprah was earning $112 a week, Harold called all the staff upstairs one Thanksgiving and gave them all a week’s salary as a bonus. Because of that for the last 24 years, Oprah gives all her staff a week’s salary as a Christmas and Thanksgiving bonus. The audience each get $100 gift card from Lowe’s. They cheer.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Dream Job Hunting Tip 1: Do what you love and find a way to get paid for it.

Dream Job Hunting Tip 2: Do it 110 percent, whatever you do—even if it’s getting the coffee.

Dream Job Hunting Tip 3: If you follow your passion, you’ll never work a day in your life.

People who have to convert entire rooms to house their clothes and shoes get to “shop their closets,” whilst the rest of us just put on clothes.

The audience today received flowers, cake and a Lowe’s gift card… But no iPad.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

You might not know what it is yet, but you can get your dream job by working hard at something that you love so much that it isn’t work to you.

Date: April 29th, 2010
File Under: Celebrity, Family

Episode 58: The Controversial Octuplet Mom Nadya Suleman

Today Oprah’s cameras go inside a fascinating life. A controversial mom that we have all heard of, she has made media headlines. Recently she sent Oprah a letter saying “Thus far, the media has depicted a completely false picture of who I am. The trial I’ve been put through has forced me to see my true self—something I have avoided most of my life. I have been compelled to dig deep inside and pull out strengths I never knew I possessed in order to protect my family. I am not a victim. I do not blame anyone for the circumstances of my life.” Signed sincerely, Nadya Suleman, otherwise known as Octomom. Before the octuplets, Nadia already had six children, the octuplets are now 14 months old. Think about that mothers, says Oprah, you’ve all been through it with one or two…

Oprah says she had never spoken with Nadya before that letter. To be honest, she says, “I had reservations about putting myself in this whole media swirl that seems to always surround her. But I reconsidered after reading this letter from her. And she says she wants the world to see her for who she really is.” Nadya gave the Oprah Show full access to her life for 24 hours. She invited Oprah to stay but Oprah declined and said she would send the crew. The audience laugh. Oprah says she’ll see it on tape and get a feel for what it is like, take a look.

At 5am the babies and two of the others start to wake up. Nadya has three nannies who work shifts during the day and she has no help at night. Nadya’s oldest, Elijah, is 8 years old. Next are 7-year-old Amerah, 6-year-old Joshua and 5-year-old Aiden, who has autism. Twins Caleb and Calyssa are 3, and the octuplets—Noah, Maliyah, Isaiah, Nariyah, Makai, Josiah, Jeremiah and Jonah—are 14 months old. She makes french toast, she says that the kids eat a crazy amount of food, and they eat 4 times a day. She spends around $1000 on groceries a week. She goes through about 35 loaves of bread, 21 dozen eggs and 20 gallons of milk in a typical week. She says she had childish desires to have a big family, but this is a huge family. When she had 6 kids she was in the swing of things on her way to getting her masters. She has a huge amount of energy and she says she took advantage of all her excess energy. She doesn’t have her own bed, 4 or 5 kids sleep in her bed. She does constant head counts. Her life is her children, they are the most important part of her life. At 9.30am she can’t find Caleb- he’s in the playroom. Shortly after lunch the ear infection flares up in Jonah. As it is a Sunday, he needs to go to ER. With one car and 14 children she needed to find a friend to take Jonah to the hospital.

Oprah says that a friend did take Jonah to the hospital. 14 human beings are dependent on Nadya. We pick up her day at bathtime. Every other day they get a bubble bath. Once they are all in their pajamas it’s time for dinner, Jonah comes back from the hospital with new medicine. At 5.30 it’s time for the younger kids to go to bed, but they are not all ready. Nadya reads to them, At 7.45 it is dinner and bedtime for the older kids. Jonah is crying- if she knows that they are ok and she is busy she has to let them cry. She doesn’t know that the twins are out of bed. After the kids are all in bed, she says that she is really craving a shower. She hopes that she can somehow get 3 hours sleep tonight. At 2am Jonah is screaming with his ear infection. Nadya ends up spending the entire night in the nursery and gets no sleep. At 6.30am she calls for help as the nannies have not shown up for work. Calyssa steps on her brother and gets a time out. The producer asks if she is afraid that someone else will quit, Nadya gets very defensive saying that she has fired anyone who no longer works for her. The older kids have to go to school. The producer asks if any of the schedules are written down. Nadya says that it changes all the time; as soon as she’d write it down it changes, then people say that she’s contradicting herself. Try and live my life for a day without contradicting yourself she says.

Wow, says Oprah.

Nadya says “I’m not a celebrity. I’m a pseudo-celebrity catapulted into this big media mess. Did I want it? No. Was I in denial thinking that it wouldn’t happen? Yes.” She had no idea that helicopters would swarm over the hospital when the octuplets were born. To Nadya, Octomom is nothing but a fictional character. At first she thought it was hilarious. But now, it is all the media perpetuating this. It’s a money sucking cycle. They said that she had plastic surgery and she never has had it in her life. In the beginning they said that she was all bad, all crazy. They said that she wanted to be like “this Jolie actor” and she heard of the name but she had no idea who that was. “I’ve done things in the media I was not only not proud of, I was ashamed of,” she says. She’ll do something to provide for the kids, like the photoshoot in January was $100,000. They have another month of that money and then they have nothing left. “Basically If I were to secure something in the media, I could in 20 minutes make what I could make in two months working 9 to 5 and being away all the time. It’s unrealistic. It’s a double-edged sword.”

Nadya walks a fine line between keeping the public interested in her so that she can sell her Octomom image, and feeling that she has zero privacy. Taking the kids to the park and being stalked by the paparazzi, she feels like a carnival attraction, This is why they don’t really go the park anymore, she says that it is invasive and disgusting. They go home to the swing at the house. Nadya complains that it is ridiculous and exploitative and invasive. “That’s exactly what Octomom is: a carnival attraction,” she says.

Nadya joins Oprah by satellite from California. “I want you all to know we did not pay Nadya a dime for this interview, neither have we ever paid in 25 years,” Oprah says. “I don’t believe in that.” The paparazzi turned those photos at the park into their own headline- “…Octomom shoots her own reality show.” Oprah thanks Nadya for writing to her and Nadya thanks Oprah for giving her the opportunity to get her real voice heard. Oprah says “I thought that was really insightful of you to say that you were a carnival attraction, but do you feel that you have contributed to that?” Nadya says yes. Absolutely.

Oprah says “Because when I saw that, like everybody else, I saw that cover of you on Star with my new bikini body, and I tell you, the first thing I thought was, “Why are you doing that?”” “Right. Right. I need to tell you why,” says Nadya. “14 hungry mouths. Then a 15th here. And it is my responsibility. I own full responsibility for providing for my children. A parent must provide for their kids, not the other way around. I will never—from the beginning I’ve always been consistent with this—I would never do a reality show. That has been a lie from the very beginning. And I must provide for my children. Deep down, I was ashamed of that. That is not my character. I am shy. I always have shied away from cameras. But I feel as though I needed to do something. And in doing so, I was able to provide for my kids. We have some of that money still left until I figure another way to make ends meet.”

Oprah asks “so you made $100,000 from that?” Yes. I did, Nadya replies. Oprah heard Nadya was offered an opportunity to do a porn film too. Nadya says “Again, another outlet trying to steal a piece of the situation. I feel as though exploiting me, disrespecting me, that, in turn, disrespects and exploits my children. I personally perceive that to be a publicity stunt. I mean, they have started from the very beginning. Right after I had the babies they were offering that. Really? I mean, I would obviously need the money if I did something like that to move my family to a deserted island far, far, far away from civilization. That is completely unfathomable, obviously.” Oprah wants to clarify, “Let’s just be clear about this. So you were offered money to do a porn film, and you have turned them down.” Nadya says “They have offered this probably three weeks subsequent to the birth of the babies. Maybe at least three times. And I feel as though it’s completely, utterly disrespectful to a mother, to anyone who is just trying to survive. I was just catapulted, again, as I mentioned, into this unfamiliar life as a carnival attraction. I never imagined it would end up being like this.” Oprah says “Nadya, tell me this: Do you think that you could ever be in the situation where you have 14 hungry mouths to feed and you’d ever have to resort to doing a porn film? Would you do that if you had to feed your children?” Nadya says “If they offered $100 million I would never, never, never resort to something like that. It stems now to boundaries. I’m teaching my children to have healthy boundaries, and there are ways. There are other ways that are much more obviously more respectable.”

Oprah says “So let’s go back to before the octuplets were born…” Most of Oprah’s audience have children, and the most is 9 children. 9 is a lot, 4 is a lot, 2 is a lot and 1 is a lot, to do it really well. “You didn’t think six was enough?” Nadya replies, “I believe going back, reflecting back, I feel as though I was so caught up with my own childish desires to compensate. There’s an amalgamation of factors contributing to why. I didn’t do one or choose one thing for one particular reason. There were so many reasons. And perhaps selfishness—perhaps trying to compensate for being an only child, trying to fill some missing piece inside. And I maybe wrongfully looked outside of myself when I should have been filling that in from within.”

Oprah says “That’s a very insightful thing to say. So do you think now, looking back, that you were perhaps using children to fill the void or space for something else that was missing that an adult or a real relationship with someone else could have or should have filled?” Nadya says, “Yes. Absolutely. I believe that perhaps, looking back, I’ve always coveted that connection, that attachment to another being. And the connection felt safer with children than with a significant other, more predictable. The security—I was hungering for the security.” Oprah asks “Now would you say that you’ve sort of crowded yourself out of that? Now you don’t even have time to develop a relationship because now, it looks like from the film that I’ve seen, that you’re just trying to keep up. You’re just trying to keep your head above water.” Nadya says “Absolutely. I’m trying to stay afloat and holding my children in that raft with me. We’re still in the midst of survival. We’re surviving. We’re so busy going, going, going, moving, moving, moving, trying to keep up that you don’t have time to think, to reflect, to feel anything. And it is a choice. I own all of the responsibility for my poor choices in the past. Do I regret? You can’t regret children. But the choices were childish. They were immature. They were selfish. Are we defined by our choices? Our behavior? Our actions? No. I don’t believe that defines our worth. Oprah says “I don’t believe it defines our worth; but when you’ve got 14 children, it’s pretty defining, wouldn’t you say?” Nadya replies “I do believe you’re right. Absolutely. I feel as though I wasn’t thinking at that time. If I could go back, would I make different choices? Maybe. At this point, I know and I need to teach my children that we need to learn, we need to grow, we need to keep on growing and transcending, and we need to make the best possible choices. And when we make poor choices, all you can do is really, really learn from that and grow from that. Try not to repeat it.”

Oprah says “Now I had heard something. I didn’t see you on The View, but I heard that you said on The View that if you met somebody and they wanted to have children that having another child is not out of the realm of possibility for you. Is that true?” Nadya replies, “You know what? At this point in my life, that is the furthest thing that I would ever even imagine. I cannot grow additional eyes or hands. I’m not an octopus. I can barely give them—nobody could, not two people, not four people even could give them—all the emotional, psychological and physical needs. You can’t possibly. I live every single day, every hour of the day with a tremendous amount of guilt. And I feel guilty when I hold the one or two and then that I can’t be there for the others. And they’re crying. And then I feel guilty. Look at the older ones. They all have different unique needs. And I’ll live with this forever. But all I can do now is keep on going, keep moving. Keep on trying to be the most devoted mother I can be. I was…no. That was a conversational thing, and I was thinking, “Oh, one thing in life is uncertainty is certain.” I can’t say five years from now something won’t be different or that something like that won’t happen. Right now, at this moment? Absolutely not. That’s the farthest thing from my mind. I couldn’t even waste my energy thinking about something like that. Oprah says that the world would want to see the man willing to take on 14 children and ask for number 15. Nadya laughs. They go to commercial break and Oprah asks the audience where is that man. They laugh.

On January 16th 2009, Nadya made global headlines when she gave birth to the only surviving octuplets in the world. She was a 33 year old single mom already raising 6 young children. Nadya allowed the cameras in for the first time to show what her life is really like. She says that it’s sort of a relief when they go to bed but then she starts the next shift with the older kids. The oldest have to do the homework, then go to bed, then Nadya takes a shower and goes to bed. The producer asks what time she goes to bed. Nadya says that it depends, sometimes 2 or 4am, depending on how exhausted she is. She is trying her best, she does what she can.

Oprah says to Nadya “As we were watching that tape, just taking a 24-hour look at your life, it’s very clear that you, like a lot of mothers who have far fewer children, don’t have enough time to really look after yourself. So if you’re up all night long looking after your kids, pretty soon it takes a toll and you’re running on empty. If you’re on empty then you don’t have anything left for the children. And that’s for every mother out there, it’s the hardest job on earth. How are you surviving? Nadya says “Breathing, Oprah. Taking deep breaths throughout the day and staying connected to my kids. And you know what? Mothers have to understand, and this is really hard for me.” Oprah interrupts to say that Nadya hasn’t had any sleep. Nadya continues. “That is when I am thankful for help. I thank you, friends. I thank you, whoever is altruistic enough to help me and my nannies, for allowing me that opportunity to get some sleep, and then I recharge. And healthy lifestyle—I cannot reinforce that enough. I am obsessed with healthy eating, and then I even think the crew saw me constantly chasing the kids to eat healthy food. Fruit, vegetables…”

Oprah interrupts to say that she doesn’t know what Nadya was spooning out of the can for dinner though. Nadya said that she was embarrassed that the crew were there to see that but she has to accommodate all the groups of children and their wishes.

Oprah asks so how are the children? We saw Elijah who didn’t want to go to school and the three year old stepping on one of the babies. Nadya says “They have their own needs. Elijah is 14 kids all in one, in my opinion. And the eight babies, actually they’re very, very, very easy babies. They are all incredibly healthy. And I have to tell you: I wouldn’t be even thinking about anything other than it—the one child, let’s say—if there were a problem. I am thanking God every day for their health. The twins, they need attention and I’m trying my best to give them their own special time every day. Aiden has autism. He is doing amazing. He’s five. Now he’s saying a couple words and he’s waving bye, and he just did that for the first time a week ago.”

Oprah asks if she feels that she can give her children what they need and deserve? Nadya says “Absolutely not. No parent can. I live in guilt. And no parent could ever even imagine giving six children all of what they need emotionally, psychologically, physically. Again, you cannot. No couple could.” Right, says Oprah.

They show footage from Nadya’s day where she says that it is not easy but life is not supposed to be easy. Being sad or crying is human, and she will do it when she is alone and safe. She is her children’s rock.

Oprah asks, and says that this is a hard question, “Have you ever thought of putting a child, two children, some children in foster care or giving up some of the children for adoption so that they could be better cared for and you maintain some kind of relationship with them, obviously as their mother, but creating an environment where they would have, say, multiple parents so that the children could get more of what they needed? Have you ever really considered that?” Nadya says “No. I will do anything in my power to secure what I need to, on my own, without exploiting my children, to secure revenue so I can provide that. There are a couple nannies that are very, very close to them, and they’re very, very good friends. And I will do everything, everything as a mother to avoid that at all costs. Even Aiden. A family member, it broke my heart when a family member, I’m not going to disclose who, years ago said: ‘How are you going to handle Aiden? In a few years you should put him in a hospital.’ I would die before I ever—”

Oprah interrupts to ask “So you would never consider giving up any of your children?” Nadya says “I know that may sound selfish, but I breathe for my children. I wake up for my children. I will do anything to secure the revenue on my own to provide for these kids.” Oprah asks how is she taking care of 14 children, paying a mortgage and taking care of the three day nannies and being up all night? Oprah says that she would take a day nanny and use her at night. Nadya says “Not on government help. That has been one of the most erroneous beliefs out there. From the very beginning, I canceled food stamps. I was receiving food stamps with the six children for one year. Once I found out it was affiliated to welfare—and I was oblivious, I guess, at that time—I terminated them… We were on private insurance, and we went on MediCal. Then we went off of MediCal back to private because I do not want to be a burden on anybody. This is my choice. It is my responsibility to take care of them. So I have been ashamed of myself for going through certain, let’s say, media outlets to provide for my children. And it has helped. It has helped significantly.

Oprah interrupts and asks if the only way she can take care of her children is to make money through the media? Nadya says “Unfortunately. And I have never ever had a history of even wanting or been interested in the entertainment industry prior to having children. That’s another erroneous misconception. I have never been interested in this industry. I would never do a reality series, anything associated to that, because that robs them of their childhood. And I think it’s borderline abusive.” You do, asks Oprah Yes, I do. Absolutely, says Nadya. Oprah asks “Would you consider it? Maybe you will have to at some point to feed them.” Nadya says “I feel there must be, Oprah, there must be some other way. I feel I may be decently intelligent. I know I want to delve into something in regard to education. Maybe using my voice to make, I don’t know, some kind of difference in younger people’s lives. There will always be an opportunity in an appropriate, respectable manner, not ever resorting to exploiting children. These are innocent lives, and they did not ask to be born. I brought them into this world, and it is my responsibility to take care of them. But I must provide for them. I’ve always felt that way.”

Oprah asks will she ever name the children’s father? Nadya says “It is not my place, and that would be completely disrespectful of me. He and I may have unresolved issues, but what does that have to do with exploiting him? I respect his life. I’m loyal to him. That is not even something I would even fathom to do.”

Oprah asks Nadya “What do you think is the biggest misconception about who you are?” “Everything. Everything. Everything. From the moment I woke up, I have been placed into this unfamiliar life, foreign and foreboding, not familiar. This fictional character, Octomom, completely is the antithesis of who I am as a person and who I represent. And I know by strangers telling me who they think I am has allowed me to really see who I know I am and who I always believed myself to be,” says Nadya. Oprah asks “What do strangers tell you you are? What do they tell you?” Nadya says “Octomom. Seeking fame. Having eight babies to be famous. I did not know even one would grow, let alone twins, let alone triplets. My goodness, who could imagine having a litter? I don’t think cats have that many at the same time. I never ever could have conceptualized something like this happening based upon an immature, selfish choice that I made. Who’s gonna suffer? The children. Am I gonna exacerbate that and put them out in the media like they say I’m doing or am going to do? Absolutely not. I’ve been consistent in saying, no, I will never do a reality show. I was embarrassed to do the bikini shoot in January. That is not who I am. That is not my character. And I needed to make money to put food in my children’s mouths. It is you, Oprah, I thank you for allowing me to finally speak the truth because thus far the media has been feeding people erroneous rumors and lies because sensationalism sells. The truth is boring.”

Oprah says that the truth is, Nadya has a lot of work on her hands. Nadya agrees, a tremendous amount of work. Oprah says that all the babies now are 14 months. “You’ve got months, Nadya, before they’re all 2.” Nadya says “Oh, boy. But remember, Oprah, as they get older, it’s more challenging. For me, my 8-year-old in and of himself is more challenging than all the babies combined. He has his own unique needs and he is very demanding, and I try so hard to get to his level and go into his world and try my best to meet his needs. Does that happen? No. Not always. But I try.”

Oprah says “Here’s a big question for you: Have you dated since the octuplets?” Nadya says “No. No. Absolutely not. I have many, many reasons why. First and foremost, I mean, I already feel guilty as it is. I’m spreading myself too thin as it is. How could I even fathom taking or stealing an ounce of energy away from them and giving it to a stranger? And then how selfish would that be for that man? I couldn’t devote any time to that person. Things change when kids get older. That’s different. But as of now, I mean all of my energy I am sublimating into raising these children as well as I possibly can.”

Oprah says that she heard that her home is going into foreclosure. Is that true? Nadya says “It is not at the moment. I have been consistent in paying the mortgage. And I’m considering, because the mortgage is high, I must secure some type of revenue to continue paying it. Within a month, I have a friend who’s offering to loan me some money until I get a little bit more secure in regard to it.”

Oprah asks has this experience shown her who her real friends are? Nadya says “Absolutely. That’s a fascinating question. Unfortunately, in the beginning, acquaintances were flocking to the center like starving geese. They liked the limelight. I did not. I was shying my best away from all of it and trying my best to protect my kids. But I have many trust issues that I need to work on throughout the day every day and for the rest of my life because I do not want to project that onto my children.” Oprah says “So you’re telling us you don’t like all the attention.”Nadya replies “No, I do not. My children don’t either. And they act out, especially my older ones. They will act out. And they sometimes do not have the words to convey: ‘Mom, we don’t want this. We don’t want these cameras.’ So they will act out. That is sending me a message: Keep them away; protect them.”

Oprah says that “You told me in your letter that you’d done a lot of self-analysis. We all mistakes.. What have you learned about yourself in this process?” As a second part to that question, if she had it to do over would she implant the 8? Nadya says that they transferred 6 embryos based on her reproductive history, they didn’t do anything different. But if she knew then what she knows now, then she may have had them transfer in far fewer. “I never wanted more than six or seven children, total, not double that.” She was receiving bills saying that her embryos in storage could be disposed of and she couldn’t conceive of that. She thought that her kids were doing well and she had lots of energy so why not transfer in the rest of the embryos and who knows, one might grow?

Oprah asks what Nadya has learned about herself in this process. “What I’ve learned about myself is so much. Sometimes just when I feel so stressed out I will just journal—2 in the morning, 5 in the morning. I’ll journal. And I have learned that this experience has, and I think most mothers can agree, when you’re faced with extraordinary stressors, you are compelled to tap inside yourself, deep inside, and look at yourself. Face what you maybe have not wanted to face for most of your life. Maybe you’re learning you have extreme extraordinary strengths, resources that you never knew you possessed. How much I have learned? I have grown. I have grown up probably more in a year than in 34 and a half years of my life. And in that growth, I have learned how much more growing I really do have to do. I have learned that not one human being can possibly give to one child, two children, three, all of what they need. Not even to one child.”

Oprah says “Because obviously you didn’t get what you needed. Otherwise you wouldn’t be out seeking this.” Nadya says “Obviously. Exactly. Point being, I love that point you just made. How prevalent is it, and I am admitting, I absolutely looked outside myself to give me something I lacked from within. How prevalent is it? I think many, many people can relate. Not in regard to children, but how often do we look outside ourself and find something—success, achievement, a significant other—to give us affirmation we should be sending from within? Confirmation that we are okay—that needs to come from within.”

Oprah says “I just had an epiphany here. Other people have addictions. You were addicted to having children.” Right, says Nadya. “The connection perhaps that felt so safe with the kids. Kids won’t leave you. You can create this safe, predictable little society. I created this village, my own little safe, predictable, safe village.” You’ve got a village, says Oprah. Nadya laughs.

Oprah asks if there is one last thing that she feels is a misconception. “Everything that they have said so far about me and about my choice, wanting to do this on purpose, I would never have done this on purpose. I would never have wanted to seek out fame or use children for fame. If that were the truth, there would have been history of that. If that were the truth, I would have had a reality show by now. I am struggling. I am surviving. I am still staying afloat.” Oprah wishes her the best. She says that she has two new puppies and that is enough. Oprah says that she has said for years on this show that if you are a mother, a good one with one or two or however many, it is the biggest challenge in the world to do that right. Thank you Nadya, “God bless you and all your children.”

On April 30th it is National No Phone Zone Day. Spread the word, they want a national movement. Good bye everybody.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

14 kids is a lot of children to look after, it is twice the number that “Octomom” Nadya Suleman ever wanted.

Nadya needs the media to pay her so that she can afford to feed her kids, but she feels that they are preying on her situation.

Oprah’s two puppies are a handful.

Oprah has an epiphany, some people are addicted to drugs or alcohol, Nadya Suleman is addicted to children.

Nadya says that she is growing her own village.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Living in a house with 14 kids is not in any way peaceful, calm or restful.

Date: April 28th, 2010
File Under: Betrayal, Celebrity, Public Service Announcement, Relationships
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Episode 57: Accused of Molesting Her, Mo’Nique’s Brother Comes Forward

Academy award winning actress Mo’Nique has been outspoken about being molested by her older brother Gerald. In fact, Mo’Nique told Oprah that she drew from the pain her brother inflicted on her to portray Mary Jones, the vicious and vile mother in Precious: Based on the novel Push by Sapphire, the role that earned her an Oscar. “I knew very well who that monster was. I knew Mary Jones,” Mo’Nique told Oprah. “So when he would say, ‘Action,’ that’s the monster that I became.”

Gerald and Mo’Nique have not spoken for years. For decades, Gerald has denied the claims his sister has made against him and refused all interview requests. A few weeks ago Gerald contacted Oprah and said that he was ready to talk. Before agreeing to do the interview, Oprah says she spoke to Mo’Nique. While she didn’t want to be involved, Oprah says Mo’Nique gave her blessing because if her brother’s account saves another family then it will be worth it.

Oprah asks Gerald why he wants to be here today. “I’m here today to first acknowledge what I’ve been in denial for for 37 years, and that is I did assault and inappropriately touch my sister in manners that were not comfortable for her,” Gerald says. “And for that, I apologize and I’m humbly sorry that those actions had taken place between her and I.” He just wants to say he is sorry to her. He has not spoken to her privately. He says that he is not angry that Mo’Nique has publicly described him as a monster, Gerald says he is happy for her. “I’m proud that she was able to finally get to a place that she could relinquish her pain and relinquish her hurt,” he says. When his sister said that he contributed to her pain so much that she could play the role so magnificently, Gerald had to understand her pain.

Oprah asks if that was the first time that he could acknowledge that? Yes, the first time that he caused pain to her and had pain caused to him when he was molested. He was not aware previously of the pain that he had cause his sister. “I accepted it as being the norm,” he says. He allowed himself to be involved in spiraling acts such as drugs and alcohol. Oprah asks how old he was when he began the abuse, and if he was doing drugs at that age. The abuse started when he was 13, when Mo’Nique was about 7 years old. “I started using cocaine, heroine, alcohol at the age of 11. I used these drugs to hide my own pain.” He never told anyone that he was being abused. Oprah asks if he can share who was abusing him without naming names. “They were all close” he says. Oprah clarifies that there was more than one abuser, yes says Gerald. He did the drugs to hide his own pain and shame. But then he became the perpetrator to abuse his sister. “Fear at that age kept me from acknowledging my own abuse.”

“The drugs weren’t an excuse. They just allowed me and afforded me the opportunity to do the things that were in the back of my mind as a kid that I always wanted to do,” he says. He breaks down a little and apologises to Mo’Nique. He says that it continued for a minute, and Oprah asks what does he mean by a minute. It went on for a year or two, he says. Oprah asks if it was regular. Gerald says “not regularly, but put it this way it happened more than I wanted it to.” Oprah says that one time is too many, and Gerald agrees.

Oprah asks if he told Mo’Nique not to tell. He never said anything to her. “Most of the time, the abuse that I did with my sister took place while she was asleep or the appearance that she was asleep.” In an interview with Barbara Walters, Mo’Nique says that she did not tell her parents until she was 15 because she was afraid. She said the only apology she ever received from Gerald was when he said, “If you think I did something wrong, then I’m sorry.”

Oprah looks at Gerald and asks him what he makes of that. Gerald says he said those words because he couldn’t admit that he had done anything he shouldn’t have. It was denial. He couldn’t admit it to her that he did something wrong. Now he can say that he did it and he is not proud of it and he is sorry. “I can only hope by coming forth today, since I couldn’t reach out to her, that … somewhere along the line with the apology and the truth of it finally coming out after 37 years, that yes hopefully somewhere, somehow as siblings we can come back together as brother and sister and say: ‘You know what? This happened. I’m sorry that it happened. I’m sorry that it happened to you, and that I was the perpetrator, the one that did it to you. However, I understand your pain, I understand your pain. I, too, was there. Now lets share this together and move on.’”

When they were growing up, Gerald says that he and his sister were close, he had her trust which allowed him to abuse her. Gerald guesses that Mo’Nique felt hurt and betrayed but they still had a bond. They were still brother and sister and he thought that everything was great. They kept the abuse a secret. The hardest thing was to admit it and apologise to his parents, it’s a hard thing to tell your parents this. He betrayed everyone’s trust. Today there is no more betrayal and lies, “here I am y’all.”

Mo’Nique says that he used candy to lure her. Gerald says that was not the case. He did not groom her. Oprah says that most abusers groom the children by making them comfortable and gaining their trust with niceness and gifts. There is a calculated process. Oprah thinks it is interesting that Gerald said that he didn’t have to groom- he was the big brother and therefore already had his sister’s trust. Gerald says that he broke that trust and bond. He could be the monster, because the little girl looked up to him.

Oprah asks him about when he partially apologized. He says that he was in denial. Oprah says that he must have been feeling the same things over the abuse that he had suffered, how could he not recognize the feelings that his sister was having? Gerald says that he couldn’t believe that he did it to her. Oprah asks what he felt when he first heard Mo’Nique say that he was the monster. “I’m not the monster, I’m her older brother.” Oprah asks if he sees that it was a monstrous act to a seven year old? Yes, he is bigger and taller than she is so to a child he is a monster. Oprah asks if he watched Precious. Yes, several times, he says that his sister was truly amazing. Oprah says that the first time she saw it she called Mo’Nique and said “you’re going to get an Academy Award for this, get your dress ready.” Oprah asks how it feels to be the fuel for Mo’Nique’s pain in the performance. Gerald says it makes him feel like “a piece of crap.”

Oprah says that she understands that 15 years after molesting his sister, he was convicted of molesting somebody else and was sentenced to 12 years in prison. Oprah’s experience has been that when someone molests, it is usually never just one. Gerald says that he has molested two people. He has apologized to the other parties involved. Oprah says that not everyone who has been molested later molests children themselves, she was molested and never has molested children. Oprah asks if his abuse was the reason that he molested. Gerald says “I hid my own molestation and pain and guilt and shame because I thought it was my fault that these things happened to me. So I internalized that and I hid behind the drugs and alcohol and then that spiraling thing in my mind, as a child, I wanted to express my sexuality, so I took it out on my sister.” The drugs allowed him to do what he wanted to do in his mind.

He has larceny, misdemeanor and assault also in his past, Oprah asks if he would say that those years of being molested by others started him on a downward spiraling path. Yes, any person who has something done to them in a humiliating way can spiral down and he was one who lost his way. Oprah mentions the show she just did with child molesters and asks Gerald how he felt when his sister told and he lied and said that it didn’t happen? Gerald says he felt ashamed and that he had betrayed her but he was afraid of what would happen to him so he denied it.

They show the clip of Mo’Nique accepting her award and saying that this is time for anyone who has been touched to tell. In the Barbara Walter special, Mo’Nique says that the last time she saw her brother was when she was in the hospital after she had had the twins. She did not want him to touch her children. Oprah asks Gerald what he remembers about that. Pat of what she is saying is correct, he says. “I went to the hospital to see my nephews Jonathan and David. … I picked up my nephew and held him, and I couldn’t hold him for so long because they were in the incubator, and I gave my nephew back to the nurse,” Gerald says. Later that same day, after he’d left, Gerald says Mo’Nique called him. “She said: ‘You know what? I don’t want you to call me or come see me or be around my boys.’” Gerald says he knew what she was saying but he couldn’t acknowledge it. He didn’t realize that she didn’t want him to be around her children. Oprah says that most people who tolerate abuse know that they do not want the abuser around their own children. Gerald says that he didn’t make that association.

Oprah says that some people may think that he is only doing this to get into the good graces of his sister now that she has an Academy Award. He says that he is doing this to publicly acknowledge what he did and to apologies to his sister. He wants to bring unity back into the family. He wants to give Mo’Nique the apology that she wants and deserves. Now he wants to bring the family back together.

Oprah asks if he would have reached out if his sister had not received an Oscar? She says that Mo’Nique was already famous but getting the world’s attention has made her more famous. Did that have any influence on his decision? He says no.

Mo’Nique said that she was 15 when she told her mother that she was sexually abused by Gerald. Her mother says that Mo’Nique told her that Gerald tried to lay on top of her long ago. Her mother asked Gerald and he denied it. She asks which of your two children do you believe? She told Gerald that he had to leave while she digested this. Mrs. Imes sent Gerald away to live with his grandmother. He returned two weeks later, and it appeared to the family that everything was back to normal. The way it played out was like it never happened. Mr Imes says that the incident never goes away, he sees his son and thinks how could you? Mr and Mrs Imes are in the studio audience, Oprah asks why did they let Gerald come back so soon. Mrs Imes said that she was hurt and had to gather her thoughts. She believed Mo’Nique and let her know that she believed her. She asked Mo’Nique if she needed to talk to someone else to talk and cleanse. Mo’Nique said that she was fine, she just wanted to tell her mom what had happened. Oprah asks if this was at the time- no it was later, Mrs Imes learned of the 7-11 age range of abuse for the first time in Essence Magazine and on Oprah’s show. Mo’Nique told her when she was 15, by which time the abuse had stopped. Gerald came back from the grandmother’s house for a visit and “It was just like we were mad yesterday but today we’re not,” Mrs. Imes says. It was like it was back to normal. Oprah asks Mr Imes if he feels that it was brushed under the rug. He says no, it was talked about. Mrs Imes says that it was hard to accept. Not until recently did they find out that his son had been molested. “You think of behaviors like this, and you accord them to other people, other families,” he says. “When it comes on your doorstep, when it comes into your household, for myself, there was a total state of confusion.” He didn’t know what to do.

Gerald feels that this could have been dealt with in-house, so that it was not publicly exposed. Mrs. Imes says she was hurt when the family secret became public. They have always been a closed family, she was upset for them all. “This is something I felt should have been discussed first privately within the family,” she says. Oprah asks if they were aware as parents of their daughter’s pain and shame and it’s affect on her. No, it was never portrayed, says the mother. That is what we do, says Oprah. Oprah sees that it is interesting to the outside word that Mo’Nique was able to take her pain and release it as an actress. Mrs. Imes says “I only hope with doing this, this can cleanse her heart.”

Mr. and Mrs. Imes say they haven’t spoken to Mo’Nique in two and a half years, but they’re still extremely proud of their daughter’s accomplishments. “I watched in glee. I was happy for her; I was excited for her. I think I was jumping and hollering more than the audience that was there,” Alice says. “For the Golden Globe, for the NAACP, for the Oscar. I’ve always been very, very proud.” Oprah asks if all this is the reason that they haven’t spoken for so long. No, Gerald has nothing to do with this, says Mrs Imes, with Mo’Nique choosing to separate herself from the family. Oprah says that she is not in the family, but certainly Gerald has something to do with this, it is all connected. Today, yes, Mrs Imes nods.

Steven, Gerald and Mo’Nique’s brother, is in the audience. He says “that this isn’t what it looks like. It’s been blown out of proportion. We’ve always been a close-knit family and after the molestation, Gerald and Mo’Nique resumed a good brother and sister relationship.” Gerald has always supported Mo’Nique and come to her aid in any and every way that he possibly could. Steven does not want the world to see that Gerald is a monster. He says that Gerald has always tried to make amends and has done an excellent job in doing so, up to this point in his life. “Which is why he has not said so. He is confused as to what has taken place between then and now for her to come out like this, that’s where the confusion lies. So as you are sitting looking at me smiling, this family is not in the turmoil that it is portrayed to be.”

Oprah says that statistically 1 out of 4 girls has been molested or touched by the time that they reach adulthood. Oprah knows that she is not alone in the room. Gerald asks Oprah to do him a favor- “not just girls’ he says. Oprah says that she is beginning to understand that more males are being molested than we realize. But the truth is that it is confusing. It is your brother or neighbor or auntie, whoever it is. The truth is that you are trying to put on your ok face when you still have that hurt, pain or shame. It is confusing to the person who has been abused and the person who is abusing. There are mixed messages because you still have to get on with and live with that person. Mr Imes says that he is not excusing the behaviour, but when did Gerald become a monster? Oprah says the first time that he laid a hand on Mo’Nique inappropriately. Mr Imes says that he witnessed the behaviors after this went on with her big brother. Mo’Nique would still ask for help from her big brother. This confuses him, the behaviors that went on for the rest of their lives.

Oprah says that it is difficult, but that she’ll say this one thing. Oprah was abused by several people, one of whom was one of her uncles. Years later she was in her father’s house and her uncle was there and Oprah made breakfast and scrambled eggs for her abuser. As an adult with her own talk show she said to herself, what the hell am I doing acting as if nothing happened? The reason she went along with this, which is probably the same for Mo’Nique and millions of others, is that you go along because that is what the family wants you to do. Gerald says stop, that is not what they want Mo’Nique to do. Gerald understands her pain, he was there. He didn’t go along with his perpetrators. Everyone is different says Oprah, everybody does the best they can in the moment. Oprah asks Gerald where he is now with his life.

He says that he has learned with his spiritual advisor to live in the power of the now, to stay in the now. Oprah loves that. “It’s not about what you did yesterday. It’s not about what you did 10 minutes ago. It’s not about what you did a week ago. It’s about what have, what you are, right here, right now,” he says.

Oprah asks Gerald how will he feel when he leaves the show that everyone who has been molested, if this has happened to you, “holler, scream, shout.. Knock the door down, make it happen.” Oprah shakes his hand and thanks him for calling her. She thanks the family and the Bishop for his spiritual guidance, “that’s what got you here, you can’t do it without the spirit,” she says. Go to Oprah.com to join the No Phone Zone team. April 30th is the special No Phone Zone event, join Oprah then. Well done, she says to Gerald. After a short pause the audience politely applaud.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Big brothers do not have to groom little sisters before molestation, they already have their trust.

Most people who tolerate abuse in their own lives know that they do not want the abuser around their own children.

The pain and shame following abuse may not be apparent to those on the outside, this does not mean that it does not exist.

Everybody does the best they can in the moment to get through, everybody deals with the pain and shame of abuse in their own way.

You can break the cycle. Do not abuse if you have been abused.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Mo’Nique was sexually abused by her older brother Gerald who now has a spiritual advisor and wants to apologize and say he feels her pain.

Date: April 27th, 2010
File Under: Celebrity, Entertainment

Episode 56: Sir Elton John and Oscar Winner Russell Crowe

Woo woo woo, we’re excited, says Oprah. Oscar winer Russell Crowe is here, and as you can see it is standing room only here because the one and only Elton John is here. The crowd roar, Oprah leads them in an Elton chant. He comes onstage, they hug and kiss.

Oprah says that it’s 9am live in Chicago so the audience have had a lot of sugar. She asks Elton if it still feels great after all these years, coming out to that applause. Yes. He played last night in Chicago and he said then that it has been 40 years since he first played here and it gets better and better, and it is the people. After every utterance, the crowd cheer. Oprah gives some stats. Elton has sold more than 250 million albums worldwide, won five Grammys, earned a Best Song Oscar for The Lion King’s “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” and has the best-selling single of all time, “Candle in the Wind.” His Broadway hit Billy Elliot earned him a Tony and continues to sell out theaters, and he has been knighted by the Queen.

Growing up in the London housing projects, Elton says he never could have dreamed of such success. “Music was something I grew up with and I loved passionately and I always wanted to be involved in,” he says. “I never really imagined being a singer. I was an organ player in a band, and I got fed up while doing that.” Elton says he then auditioned at a record company, which was also looking for songwriters. “I said I couldn’t write lyrics and they said, ‘Well, there’s some lyrics from a guy from Lincolnshire,’ who turned out to be Bernie Taupin,” (the crowd roar) he says. “I started writing songs for other people and nobody recorded them, and so in the end I recorded them myself and became a recording artist, which wasn’t on my radar. Everything that happened after that was the biggest surprise.”

Oprah says that the world views Elton as a music legend, how does he see himself? “I see myself as someone who’s taken a long time to get where I am personally,” he says. “I’ve got now balance in my life, where the first 30 years of my success—or maybe 20 years of my success—I had a great time and then I took a lot of drugs, drank a lot of alcohol and lost my way.”

Elton says he was inspired to seek sobriety by a very special person, Ryan White, the Indiana teen who was infected with HIV after a blood transfusion. He died in 1990 at age 18. “I was at his funeral, and I spent the last week of his life in Indianapolis with [his mom] Jeanne and his family,” he says. “The way they handled themselves pointed out to myself that I was a self-obsessed, not very nice person, and I hadn’t become the person I wanted to be.” After Ryan died, Elton got sober, and it has been 20 years this week. The crowd cheer and Oprah says wow.

Listen to this, says Oprah; Elton’s Broadway smash hit is the musical Billy Elliot and it has just opened in Chicago. Oprah was so excited to get the opportunity to see it- she says that it is so exhilarating you can feel every note of Elton’s passion with every song. Here is a brief look. Critics are calling Billy Elliot seductive and smashing, the best show you will ever see. Before it was a play, it was a small British movie about a boy with a passion for dance. Elton premiered the play in the UK where it received rave reviews and moved to Broadway where it won an astonishing 10 Tony awards, including best musical. Now it is on stages all over the world and just this week Oprah was Elton’s guest at the big Chicago premiere. After the show Oprah says she love, love, love loved it and she cried three times. Elton was proud of everyone, the first night went great.

Oprah was sitting next to Sir Elton who had seen it about 30 times, but they cried together. The role of Billy is so demanding that it requires four actors to rotate in and out. The Chicago Billy’s are introduced to a screaming crowd. Oprah says that people come away feeling so exhilarated, all the audience will get a copy of the soundtrack and tickets to go see Billy Elliot, The crowd stands and screams, Oprah and Elton hug.

Hanging out with the Music Man, Elton John, says Oprah. Oprah asks him what he thinks when he sees himself in all those outrageous outfits. He says that he wishes that he could still fit into them. Oprah says that she knows how that feels. “It was a part of my life which I had so much fun,” he says. “I lived as a teenager and I didn’t really have the ability or the chance to wear what I wanted to as a kid. So I think when I became successful in 1970, the just all hell broke loose.” He just wore what he wanted. “When you’re sitting at the piano, you’re not David Bowie, you’re not Mick Jagger, you’re not Rod Stewart, you’re not Freddie Mercury,” he says. You’re not running around on stage or the skinny kid in jeans, he was the guy at the piano. “So I just needed to put some attention on me.” The crowd cheer. The piano is just a 9 foot plank, you can’t make it fly, at least not back then. In those days he wanted to have fun. Oprah asks what happened to the costumes. Many were sold for charity, a lot are still at the storage place. “We sell clothes every two years,” he says. “David and I take our personal wardrobe, sell them all and give the money to the AIDS foundation, and then sometimes we sell a couple of stage outfits as well.” Oprah asks if Elton is comfortable in his own skin at this point in his life. “I am so comfortable. I’ve been with David for 17 years,” he says. He has balance in his life now. “It’s important that you have someone really wonderful to share your life with.”

Oprah asks if the fame got to be too much. Elton says that he didn’t know how to be himself off stage. Elton says “There’s so many artists that we can look through the history books and say, ‘God, they were so brilliant onstage and then they had so many problems off,’” he says. “I became one of those people.” Elton says that he came to Chicago to detox. The crowd cheer. That’s a great claim to fame says Oprah, that could be a play, “I got sober in Chicago” says Oprah. Elton says that Chicago will always have a special place in his heart “It’s been 20 years this year,” he says. ” the best six weeks I ever did for myself. Then all things happened for me—The Lion King happened. David happened. We formed our own movie company. The charity—the Elton John AIDS Foundation, we produced a play on Broadway.”

Oprah asks if it is true that Elton and David are trying for a baby. Elton says he and David tried to adopt two Ukrainian boys. “Unfortunately, it was so complicated that we couldn’t do it. There were too many laws that said we couldn’t do it in Ukraine,” he says. “It broke our heart because we fell in love with these kids. One was 15 months; one was 3. They were brothers. One was HIV-positive, and one wasn’t.” Oprah asks if he’s ready to be a Papa. “I said until that point no- because I’m too old,” he says. “And I thought: ‘You know what, Elton? You’re not too old. You’re still very young at heart. You’ve done everything you possibly can in your career—the only thing you haven’t done is be a good parent. I think that life’s all about learning. It’s all about as you get older trying to learn a little bit more, trying to change the way you are. And I think that a child probably would be the icing on the cake.” After their disappointment, they are still talking about adoption.

Oprah asks what advice Elton would give to his younger self. “Don’t go out with the feathers,” he jokes. “I learned so much in my life, and even the drug use got me to where I am now. But I would definitely say to people and looking at myself then: Be true to yourself. Be honest. Be loyal. And stay away from those bloody drugs for Christ’s sake.”

Oprah says that those of the audience who have seen the play, and they will all see the play, the message of Billy Elliot is be true to yourself. That was what made Oprah cry when she first saw it. Oprah asks how much of the story resonates with Elton growing up. He says that it was a different time, the 50’s, rock and roll was seen as evil. “My father never really encouraged me. Even when I became successful as Elton John, he never came to see me,” he says. “At the end, the father comes to the opera house in London and sees Billy come onstage and dance Swan Lake. It made me cry because my dad never, ever saw me.” Still, says Elton, “I wanted to prove a point,” he says. “I just wanted him to say: ‘Good, well done. I was wrong.’ But, no, that never happened.” That was why you were crying, says Oprah. Exactly, says Elton. Thank you Elton, he’ll be back to sing, says Oprah.

Russell Crowe has made a name for himself playing a slew of fascinating characters, from a hard-nosed boxer in Cinderella Man to a schizophrenic mathematician in A Beautiful Mind. In his latest film, Russell reunited with Gladiator director Ridley Scott and draws his bow as the legendary hero Robin Hood. There’s only one way to describe the results- epic. Academy Award winner Cate Blanchett plays the beautiful Maid Marian, who is anything but a damsel in distress. The story tells how the man became the legend.

Come on out Russell Crowe, shouts Oprah. The crowd scream. They hug. He waves to the crowd. Oprah whoops and says mmmmm. Oprah says “May I say you are so good at this” and Russell thanks her. Obviously he learned to shoot a bow and arrow well, says Oprah. He spent some time on it and did his best, says Russell. Oprah says that she heard that he read 30 books to prepare for the role. “We wanted to really understand where the mythology had started from,” he says. “It became apparent to us that the difference between the hundred years of cinema and the previous 800 years of story being handed down from mythology to legend to a political tool to a tool of the church to a parlor game when King Henry VIII was in power, you know, it just seemed to us that there was something intrinsic about that story that we should maybe wipe away all that other stuff and get back to the core.” Oprah asks if he is a perfectionist. He thinks that is a silly word, he tries his best. What he can do on a day is what he can do. “That is a central tenet,” he says. “Every single day on a movie set I just get up and I try to do something special.” Oprah asks how long shooting Robin Hood took. It took 100 days, but Russell says it was a lot of fun. He says that he has been instructed not to swear on the show. Yes, because we are live, says Oprah. As soon as he is told not to do something, that is what he wants to do, he says. Now he has so many swear words running around in his head that wouldn’t have been there otherwise… “You sort of get beaten up a lot, but I love being on Ridley Scott movies because they work well,” he says. Oprah interrupts to say, “That Ridley Scott, can we just give him a round of applause” The crowd cheer. “He’s so well organized, and that’s one of the things people don’t understand, because I come from a simple, working-class background and he has the same background that, you know, yes, he makes expensive movies, but he ensures that they don’t cost a dollar more than they should cost. And I like that about him. I like that he’s not cavalier. I like that he knows exactly how many severed heads he has in the effects department.” They laugh.

Oprah says that there is a lot of severed heads in this movie. Russell says that actually there is none. In case you wanted to take kids to the movie, it is PG13 which is probably the first one Scott has made. Russell says Ridley made the decision early on to make Robin Hood appropriate for younger audiences. You don’t see the sword in the skin, there is no blood spewing everywhere. You get the impression, says Oprah. Yes, says Russell, he is the one that made an alien come out of someone’s chest, it gets pretty gnarly. Russell even took his two sons, 6-year-old Charlie and 3 1/2-year-old Tennyson, to see it. He took them to a special screening, “They were so jazzed because this has been in their life for two and a half years, so the nervous energy was pumping,” he says. But it took about 35 minutes for the film to start and the kids were running around everywhere. Russell thought that this probably wasn’t going to go so well. “So we sit down, the movie finally starts. Within five minutes, my oldest boy, Charlie, goes, ‘Oh Dad, can we go now?’” Oh no, says Oprah. Then the little one says, Dad, when do you get a horse? And the oldest is going can we go now, and the little one is saying Dad, when do you get a horse? And then the little one says Dad, now you’ve got a horse, and then they say, ok can we go now…

Oscar winner Russell Crowe is here. There’s a key saying in Robin Hood, “Rise and rise again until lambs become lions,” Oprah asks what that means. Russell says that he basically ad libbed what it means, saying it means “Never give up.” Ridley said he would never use that, but it is in the movie. Russell says that it is really applicable to Oprah, and that the sword from the film is centrally important in the film. He brings out the sword which has the saying engraved on it. Russell says that Oprah can keep it by her bed, just in case. Oprah’s jaw drops and she asks if he is giving it to her? She repeats the question. To be completely truthful, Ridley Scott is giving it to her, it’s his possession, says Russell. He also gives her a long-bow. Russell explains how the English worked out how to use wood with flexibility at it’s heart. He shows her how to string it, They decide not to shoot any arrows. Oprah asks how much practice he did. Quite a lot, says Russell. Oprah loves the phrase on the sword. Russell says. “It’s applicable to anybody in any pursuit,” he says.

Oprah asks what has been the biggest misconception about him. “Probably that I’m an angry person. I’m not really,” he says. Oprah says that isn’t it true that once something happens it gets printed over and over again. “I played a lot of angry men when I was young. I played skinheads and disgruntled cops and all this sort of stuff. And, quite frankly, I think the problem was I’m not a very interesting person. I’m just not. I play interesting roles and I put a lot of effort into the roles and stuff, but I kind of left a big gap between who I really was and the characters that I was playing and, over time, that area just got filled in.”

Oprah asks him if he thinks the less interesting you perceive yourself to be means that the more you can fill yourself up with other people, like a chameleon? Russell says. “Anthony Hopkins, when I was a young fellow, he put it to me that, in fact, you come to the gig as a vanilla slice, and you don’t say, ‘What is it that’s special about me that I can bring to the character?’ You say, ‘What is it that the character needs?’”

Oprah asks abut Cate Blanchett. “When we started to reshape the story, we needed a Marian who had to be an individually strong woman,” he says. “The thing about Cate, you see the characters that she plays and I think the assumption about Cate is that for some reason she’s not a warm person. But I can tell you that that’s not true.” After a hard day’s work she is the first person to put her feet up and grab a vodka and have a chinwag. This is essential in a job like this, it informs the collaboration, talking about what you are going to do next. Their love on-screen took some time to build, based on Robin passing the tests that she sets for him.

Speaking of love, says Oprah, Russell has been married to his wife, Danielle, for seven years, and they have two little boys who didn’t exactly love the movie. They haven’t see the movie, says Russell. They laugh. Oprah says that every father has a dream for his family, what is Russell’s?”The father’s job.. ultimately, apart from loving them and taking care of them, is to fill them full of the confidence that they need to deal with the world by themselves,” he says. You have to set them up for the time when they are not with you. Bit for him really, “It’s whatever makes them happy. That’s what it’s got to be. You try and provide for them, be there for them, you give your time over to them. In fact, you be the person that they want you to be.” You do give your time over to them, says Oprah. They are spectacular kids, he says. Oprah asks what have they taught him lately, other than humility? “Just the other day, I was doing Lego with my son Charlie, and it was a Lego piece that was actually his little brother’s, and I watched him get impatient with his little brother and start putting the thing together himself. So I kept going: ‘Hey, Charlie, this is Tenny’s thing. We’re helping him, but we’re not making it,’” he says. “And only a few minutes later when both of them were distracted I found myself putting the thing together and I went: ‘Oh! He gets it from me.’” They laugh.

With a chorus of real people ready to sing their hearts out, here is the one and only Sir Elton John. He sings Tiny Dancer. The crowd sing and sway with glow sticks. The lyrics are shown in the studio on monitors and are displayed on the TV screen. The crowd cheer when he finishes. Oprah stands alongside Elton at the piano on stage and says very nice up there. Am I on TV now she asks? Oh I am, how happy are we? Sir Elton has agreed to sign the No Phone Zone Pledge, thank you Sir Elton. Go see Billy Elliot. Being the music man that he is, Elton says that he can turn any words into music. Let’s see him do that with the No Phone Zone Pledge, says Oprah. He takes the pledge and plays the piano, singing the lyrics to the pledge. He stops to say that he can’t see it because he doesn’t have his reading glasses.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Oprah and Elton John sat together at the Chicago premiere of Billy Elliot and cried.

Elton John got sober in Chicago twenty years ago.

Elton John feels that having a child would be the icing on the cake of his life.

Russell Crowe thinks that the term perfectionist is silly.

Russell Crowe considers himself to be uninteresting and not angry.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Elton John and Russell Crowe are Oprah’s special friends.

Date: April 26th, 2010
File Under: Marriage, Public Service Announcement, Relationships, Tragedy
2 comments

Episode 55: Stay Alive

Oprah would like us to listen to a tape recording of a 38 year old woman stuffed in a garbage can with duct tape around her wrist, ankles and face. The operator asks what she needs and the woman reports she is in the back of a green Dodge 4×4 and her husband is trying to kill her- she’s in the back of the car and doesn’t know where she is going. The operator asks if she is handcuffed and she says that she is bound by masking tape.

That was the frantic voice of Teri, a mother of two who should be dead but survived, says Oprah. Oprah is so tired of seeing headline after headline of women hurt or killed at the hands of their abusive partners. Based on the statistics, Oprah assumes everyone is with, or knows someone who is with, a man who is capable of becoming violent. That is why she is really happy to have Gavin De Becker back who has advised everyone from the CIA to World Leaders on how to be more safe. His book, which he wrote 10 years ago “The Gift of Fear”, is a gift that Oprah thinks everyone should give their daughter. Gavin says when a man kills his spouse or girlfriend, it is often predictable and preventable. He has developed MOSAIC, a new tool that will save lives. Oprah welcomes him back. This is his passion in life, if he was to be killed by a bus tomorrow, this is the thing which he would be most proud of, he says. It is artificial intuition, basically. It takes the factors of a situation and breaks them down, and sees the pieces of the puzzle and puts them back together so a woman can see the full picture for the first time. Say a woman is interviewed by the police and she says, yes he hits me but only after he has been drinking, or yes he is sexually abusive but only after a hard day at work, with MOSAIC there is no way to back away from the issues, they are addressed one by one. The early versions were used to assess threats for justices or the CIA, and all of a sudden it hit Gavin that these people were not getting attacked very often and he thought that the strategy should be made available to women, as one is killed by a partner every 4 hours. Oprah says that the stories we see on the news again and again scare women; being abducted or attacked by a stranger, but most are killed by someone that they know. Particularly women, says Gavin. If you look at the 3100 women who are killed each year in the US, the majority are killed by a husband or boyfriend. You can use the MOSAIC questionnaire for yourself or on behalf of someone else, it is totally anonymous. The link is on Oprah.com, it is a series of 48 questions which help assess how much of a threat an abuser poses to a family.

What is so interesting to Oprah after many interviews with domestic abuse victims, is that women always says that he doesn’t hit, but he does push- there is something that makes women think it is ok as long as there is no actual hitting. Gavin says that this is just one of the indicators- others include symbolic violence (tearing up wedding pictures or gowns), another is the pace of the relationship- when it is accelerated in the beginning that is a control strategy, another is persistence. We often confuse perseverance and persistence. Perseverance is good, but persistence does not mean that you are special, but that he is controlling. Oprah never forgot The Gift of Fear (which is now on Kindle and all women should read), if you say no to anyone in any situation and the other person persists, then you should ask why are they trying to control me. Gavin says that anyone who persists after no, be it salesperson or 2 year old, they are trying to control you. Gavin says that when a man says no it is the end of the discussion, when a woman says no it is the beginning of a negotiation. A man learns that if you buckle at the beginning of a relationship, it can cycle on- he learns that your no does not mean no, it means start the negotiation. Oprah says wow, how fantastic to have that information.

Terri, the caller in the 911 call earlier, is what Gavin calls a textbook example of how an abusive relationship can escalate to homicide. First, see what happened when Teri took Gavin’s MOSAIC test the other day. Teri answers the questions revealing the situation prior to her being beaten with a baseball bat and shoved into a garbage can and left for dead. She had a restraining order and a divorce… MOSAIC expresses results on a scale out of 10- Teri’s situation was ranked at a 9. Had he abused alcohol, a serious factor, it would have been a 10, says Gavin. Oprah asks Gavin if he agrees that Teri sitting here is a miracle. He says it is. He says it is chilling and macabre but the reality is they study thousands of women who are killed; he has never interviewed someone who basically was killed- only by medical intervention and great policework is she alive. Oprah welcomes Teri and says that she knows that the story will save many people. They will probe into Teri’s story so that the audience can apply that information into their life.

Teri, a mother of three, came dangerously close to becoming a statistic. When she met David, she thought he was the perfect mate for her, “Good job, churchgoing, fun-loving, wanted kids,” she says. “What else could I ask for?” After three months of dating, Teri says David started talking about marriage. “I wasn’t really ready for that. It was too soon. But he persisted and persisted, so of course I said yes.”

Teri had doubts before the wedding. Her parents and friends saw the warning signs, and she did too but she didn’t want to acknowledge them.

On her wedding day, Teri says her dad asked her to reconsider. “He turned to me and said, ‘We can turn around and walk out the door,’” she says. “I thought to myself, ‘It’ll be fine.’ She thought once they were married, everything would work out well.

Teri and David’s Hawaiian honeymoon should have been paradise.. “Probably about the second day we got into a dumb little argument about what to wear on a hike. He said: ‘I’m your husband. You listen to me. You do what I say,’” she says. “Because I said no to him, I got a couple blows to my head with the palm of his hand.” Teri says she tried to write the incident off as a fluke. “Maybe that’s all the stress that was built up from getting married,” she says. She thought maybe she could make it all better.

Oprah says that nothing that she says here today is meant to be in judgement of Teri, Teri nods. Oprah knows that Teri is here to help people. Before the wedding, Teri thought: ‘I don’t know if I want to do this. I’ve seen his temper. My parents told me they didn’t like him. He wasn’t very respectful to my parents or to his own parents. And I saw this. But being the type of person I am, I thought ‘Well, I’ll marry him and I’ll fix it. I’ll make him happy. He’ll be a better person when he’s married to me.’ I fooled myself.” Oprah asks Gavin to walk us through the red flags. First Gavin says that “being the type of person I am” is now the type of person that Teri was. Now she has the courage to do what she is doing. Intuition is there, showing the warning signs. Teri knew that things were not right. It is not typical for a father to say that they can leave just before the wedding. Gavin says there’s a big difference between cold feet and running for your life. “If you say: ‘I don’t know if I’m ready. I don’t know if I want to be in a marriage,’ that’s a different animal from: ‘I have fear. I have fear of this person,’” he says. There’s no role for fear in marriage. Fear is the real indicator there. The other thing is the profoundly accelerated pace. You don’t have to do it if it is too fast.

Oprah asks Teri what questions stood out for her when she took the MOSAIC test. The huge standout for her was, Does he take responsibility for his actions. He never did, with her, his job, with anything in his life he always blamed others. Oprah says that she never gets the moment that you are hit it is humiliating and degrading- what did Teri tell herself to overcome that? Teri says “The first thought that came into my mind was, ‘I’m leaving,’ But he had the flight tickets. He had the credit card. He had everything. I felt sort of stuck.” “But then I started thinking, logically, ‘Well, my parents don’t want to come down to Hawaii and get me.’” Then she thought maybe she’ll listen t him and do what he wants next time to make him happy and then it won’t happen.

Oprah asks if her danger signs went off. The first thing she did was to pick up the phone to call the police but she didn’t know if 911 worked in Hawaii. Gavin says all her original instincts were correct. “So it comes up into your mind, which is a total gift, these ideas, these plans, and then we start to debate and prosecute our own ideas and go through this process that lets us stay in situations we don’t want to be in.”

Oprah says that Teri was divorced, is it true that most spousal murders happen after the spouse leaves? Absolutely, Gavin says, most spousal murders happen after the woman leaves. “About 77 percent of the time,” he says. “That’s why you need help because separation, estrangement, that’s the time that the homicides happen.” Oprah asks if the situation escalated after the divorce? Teri says yes, it continued to escalate. “We had police intervention many times. We shared custody of our two daughters, so there was always that back and forth. We always had to see one another,” she says. “The name-calling, the hitting—it just continued to get worse and worse. The thumbing the nose at the court orders. Anything he could possibly do to stay in control and to say, ‘I am in charge.’”

Oprah asks Gavin to address what people should do when they have to communicate- when there has to be contact because of the children. Gavin says that it has to be addressed and it does not lend itself well to a magazine article or TV show. The biggest message Gavin can share is you cannot do this entirely alone. The good news is you don’t have to, there are resources such as thehotline.org and women shelters in the community. Often it is the last place women want to to go to, but it is like an emergency room- you go when you have to. A battered women’s shelter knows what to do about the kids and the bank account and the emergency plan. They can help. One of the things we often hear is “I was hit” and people ask if it is a clue. It is not a clue, it is the conclusion, it is the end of the mystery. Being hit says that it is over and done. Being hit does not work in relationships and it does not usually get better. It is a rare circumstance that it happens once only and the relationship improves, says Gavin.

Oprah says that we often mistake control for being really loved- Gavin says abusers are typically controlling and exercising complete control means giving the other person a lot of attention. “We’re brought up to think attention equals love,” he says. “Control doesn’t equal love.”

Gavin De Becker has used his thirty plus years in the security business to help women find out if they are at risk of being murdered by an abuser. One Saturday, January 31, 2004, five years after her divorce, Teri drove to her ex-husband David’s Wisconsin house to pick up the girls. When she arrived, David told Teri the girls were playing hide-and-seek and invited Teri inside, which seemed odd. Oprah says that the funny feeling Teri had about that is like a little whisper to says that is strange or odd. This is what can happen when you ignore it.

“My gut was saying, ‘Why is he letting me come in his house?’” Teri says. “Right away I knew, this is kind of weird. He hasn’t allowed me in his house since the day I left. But I was cold. My car was running out of gas,” she says. “Most of all, my kids were hiding. They wanted me to come find them, and I didn’t want to disappoint them.” She overlooked, and talked herself out of, that feeling. “I walked into the foyer, and I remember saying, ‘Gee, I wonder where they are?’” she says. “And, bam, a blow to the back of the head.” Teri says David continuously struck her with a baseball bat, numerous times. “He said: ‘You always said I abused you. Now you can see what abuse really is.” When he was trying to strangle Teri. “He was saying: ‘Go to sleep. Just go to sleep. Just stop breathing,’” she says. “He was mad again that he was ordering me to stop breathing and I wasn’t.”

Teri says David then duct-taped her wrists and ankles and her entire face. “He then had this big garbage can. I could feel he was putting me in it,” she says. “I’m bleeding everywhere. I’m in this garbage bin, and he’s filling it up with snow. What started going through my head was, ‘I’m going to die today.’”

Oprah asks what happened next. Teri says she didn’t die. “He put me on the back of his truck and actually he went back in the house and I knew it had to be to get the kids,” she says. “Knowing that they were 4 and 6, it would take a few minutes.” Remembering she had her cell phone in her pocket, Teri managed to dial 911. She tells people to practice dialing 911 with their eyes closed. “It took just a few minutes and I heard sirens. But by that time, he came back to the truck, started it up and we were on our way,” she says. The police were looking at his home for something and didn’t know that we were on the road. “I heard the sirens pass me right up.” Teri didn’t know but when she was in the back of the truck, David went to Milwaukee and dumped her car. He went through a drive through and had the girls in the cab at the front. “At one point I thought, ‘I’m going to stick my hand out, because the lid wasn’t on the garbage can, and somebody is going to see a hand hanging out and call the police,” she says. “His truck stopped after that. He came back. I was either hit in the head with a baseball bat or kicked.” At that point her phone rang, she doesn’t know who called and none of her friends will admit to it. “He took the phone. He got back in the cab, drove around. I was blacking in and out. I had no idea how long it was.”

As she learned later, David had driven across state lines to Illinois and stopped at a storage locker. She was lifted up inside the garbage can and dragged into the locker. He left her inside an unheated storage locker in January. “All I remember is boxes and all these things being slid against the floor,” she says. “I had no idea where I was.” Teri says intuition told her to play dead. Then, Teri says David stacked anything he could on top of and around the garbage can. “There was no way I was getting out of there,” she says. She heard the door closed and figured that he had left. Teri was trapped for more than 20 hours in the freezing cold. Doctors estimate Teri only had an hour left to live when she was discovered—her body temperature dropped to 84 degrees.

Det. Chris Schooling was one of the police officers on the case and he is in the audience. Oprah asks how they found Teri. He says there was an amber alert put out. Authorities were tipped off by Teri’s first call, which they interpreted as a woman who had difficulty breathing. The deputies made forced entry into the home and they saw signs of struggle and some blood. Interviews with neighbors escalated suspicion as one reported seeing Teri’s car hitched to David’s truck. An Amber Alert was issued. David was arrested at work right after leaving Teri in the storage locker. Teri eventually lost all of her toes to frostbite. Oprah asks what happened after he was picked up. “He’s picked up, and he’s real matter of fact,” Det. Schmaling says. David was very articulate, they told him that ‘There’s an Amber Alert. Where’s your wife? Where’s your kids?’ and he said, ‘I just dropped my children off at Elmwood Park, Illinois, to a girlfriend’s house’ and hasn’t seen Teri since the Wednesday prior.”

Oprah asks Gavin how women can stay safe if they still have to see their exes because of the children. Gavin says that it is the toughest question. Gavin says all abuse cases are tough, but it’s even more difficult to leave when there are children involved. Seek help, Gavin says. Women looking to leave a violent situation with their children can turn to TheHotline.org, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) or contact a local battered women’s shelter. “There is no other way to develop all that you’d have to do,” he says. “It’s like going into the witness protection program. There are so many parts to an escape plan.”

Oprah says that the most important thing to say to women in this situation is that you have to have a plan, and the shelters and hotlines will help you to get a plan. Gavin says that a relationship that is difficult to be in, will also be difficult to exit. That leverage is often used to keep women in by the men. Most often, women are told that they will be killed if they leave. It takes courage and you can not do it alone.

Oprah says that what most people didn’t realise is that the option is you will be killed if you leave or you will die a little every day that you stay. Gavin says that he interviewed a woman who said that she feared she might be killed. Gavin said that he asked what advice the woman would give her teenage daughter, and she said she would tell her daughter to leave. The woman didn’t know what the difference between her and her daughter was- Gavin told her that the teenager has the mother and the mother does not have herself. She had lost herself so much.

Oprah asks Det. Schooling how they found David. After six hours of interrogation, which was basically begging and pleading on the part of the police, David wouldn’t tell them. David asked for a break at 3.30am—and detectives went through his wallet, which was packed with business cards. “He goes back to his cell, wraps himself in a warm blanket and falls fast asleep. Unbeknownst to us, she’s lying there dying,” he says. “So we go back, we take a look at this wallet, we find a business card. That business card is to a storage facility in Wheeling, Illinois.” They were suspicious that a Racine County, Wisconsin man had a storage locker in Illinois. Wow that is good detective work says Oprah. The crowd applaud. Det. Schmaling and his partner, Det. Keith Dobesh, called the number on the card. “The storage facility said he had been there the prior day,” Keith says. “They had gone out to the unit, and they had actually heard her voice inside the unit pleading for help.” Wow, says Oprah. They told the facility to hang up and call 911 and that is when they found her.

Wow, says Oprah. She asks Gavin what we learn from this. As always the message is to listen to your intuition. “We learned that being out of a relationship, particularly if there’s custody and children, you’re not really out of it. You’re just out of it on paper,” he says. “Getting truly out of it takes a lot of work and a lot of effort, and you can’t do it alone.” Oprah asks if you are ever truly out of it when someone is violent. In cases where men don’t let go and persist, there are cases where women relocate to different states. It is like the Witness Protection Program. There are so many extreme answers, and we look for the simple answers. Questions are complicated, not simple, especially when you have kids. “The best thing is identifying these warning signs before you get into relationships and before you get kids, when it’s possible,” he says. Oprah says that she never forgot from Gavin’s book, that we are the only animals who will have that feeling of intuition and walk into the fear. Any other animal without reason or thinking will leave. Gavin says that an antelope does not go and check if a lion is in the bush, if he feels it is the case. That is where it is about instinct says Oprah. It is about intuition and respecting your opinion and recognizing that your opinion is as valid as his opinion, says Gavin. Which is not how it culturally works.

Oprah asks Gavin what Teri could have done to prevent this form happening. Gavin says that earlier in the relationship, it would have be eneasier to end it. “At those times, the men are usually less invested emotionally. It’s much easier to end a relationship early than it is to end it later on because of that emotional investment.” Gavin says, “I often say the first time a woman is beaten, she is a victim. And the second time, she is a volunteer,” he says. “That’s a very controversial thing for some people because they think I’m blaming the victim. But what I’m actually doing is saying, ‘If you don’t recognize that staying in that relationship is a choice, you’ll never recognize that leaving the relationship is a choice.’” Staying in a relationship for a long time is the number one thing that people can do differently. A lot of people believe that they can’t leave. The history of marriage is about property, the woman is the man’s property. Gavin had a case recently where a 24 year old man was having sex with a 17 year old girl. He is going to do 28 years in prison because of that, if she had been 18 there would be no crime, because at 18 you don’t belong to your father anymore- you are your own property. Gavin is not saying that marriage is bad, he likes marriage but he does not own his wife, he does not own his kids. The culture says that she doesn’t have the freedom when she is married, she is led to believe. There was a part of Teri that believed David when he said she was married now to him and that he was in charge. It’s like you are bought and paid for, says Teri. Wow, says Oprah.

David is now serving a life sentence for kidnapping and attempted murder. (The crowd applaud) Though he’s behind bars, Teri says she still fears him. “He’s an angry, bitter person that will never ever change,” she says. He is not trying to be a better person. Teri says he never showed any remorse in court. “The judge even said to him, ‘Would you like to say anything?’ And he said, ‘Not at this time.’ And the judge said, ‘This is your time,’” she says. “He didn’t even have the decency to get up and say, ‘I don’t care about Teri, but I’m sorry what I did to my kids.’” Nothing. Thank you Teri, your story is going to save some people today, says Oprah. Oprah is glad that Teri is alive to tell her story.Oprah says so many women stay because they say that he is doing this to me but he cares about the kids, what does Gavin have to say about that? Gavin says that a relationship that is violent is not good for anyone. As a young girl sees her mother receive those blows, so is she likely to in the future. As a young boy sees the father deliver those blows, so is he likely to. That is what you are teaching your kids. Kids don’t do what you say, they do what you do, says Oprah. Thank you Teri and Mr De Becker, says Oprah. Gavin’s cutting edge MOSAIC assessment is available to everybody watching today for free, it may save a life. Go get this book, the Gif of Fear, it is a must read. Everybody in the audience gets a copy (they cheer). Oprah also says that she sounds like a nag but make your car a no-phone zone. Bye everybody.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

If you say no to anyone in any situation and the other person persists, then you should ask why is that person trying to control you.

When a man says no it is the end of the discussion, when a woman says no it is the beginning of a negotiation.

There’s no role for fear in marriage.

Your instincts are a gift, follow them.

A relationship that is difficult to be in, will also be difficult to exit.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

We are the only animals who will ignore our intuition and walk into the fear: every 4 hours a woman in the US is killed by her partner.

Date: April 24th, 2010
File Under: Celebrity
2 comments

Episode 54: Oprah’s Million-Dollar Announcement and Billionaire Richard Branson

We are live in Chicago today, says Oprah. On this day, someone is going home with one million dollars, can you imagine? Says Oprah. The crowd scream. All it took is a little flour, an egg or two and some creativity – this week one hundred hopeful home cooks went to Florida for the 44th Pillsbury bake-off. We sent Ali Wentworth down to Orlando where there was lots of tension, says Oprah.

Over 10,000 entries were narrowed down 92 women and 8 men. It’s very exciting, says Ali. One woman has the Pillsbury dough boy painted on her nails. The bake off begins and they all cheer. They have 4 hours to make their recipes- they make it 3 times and choose the best to submit to the judges. Ali slaps the dough boy. She talks to the contestants and makes jokes. Inside the door the judges are tasting all the recipes and making big decisions. No bribes have been offered.

Oprah says 100 masterpieces, 12 judges and $1million up for grabs. There are 20 minutes to the end of the bake-off, Ali says that the stress is making everyone crazy and mean. 3 minutes left, Tony is the last one cooking. He is shaking and sweating and there is smoke coming from his station. Ali says that she needs a Xanax. Tony got it to the judges just in time.

After 7 hours the judges chose 4 finalists. This could be you next year, says Oprah. On Monday night the final four came to Chicago in a private jet. Let’s meet the home cooks who could be the next Pillsbury millionaire, says Oprah. Evelyn is a retired mom of 5, her Salmon Pecan Crusted Tartlets got the first prize for the most entertaining appetizer. Best breakfast and brunch went to Niki who is back at college for a degree in Social Work, for her Tomato Basil Eggs Alfredo. #1 in the dinner made easy with her Zesty Lime Fish Taco’s is Kellie- she knew it was a hit when her 4 kids cleaned their plates. Single mom who was once a disaster in the kitchen is Sue with her mini Ice Cream Cookie Cups. By the end of this hour, one of these home cooks will walk away with $1 million. Stay tuned to find out who it is. Thanks ladies, says Oprah.

The four finalists are on pins and needles, they didn’t sleep last night, says Oprah. That said, Oprah thinks its amazing that you can take Pillsbury dough and… “make anything” says Nate Berkhus. While Ali was sweating over hot stoves in Orlando, Nate Berkus was roughing it in the Caribbean with one of the most fascinating visionaries of our time, Richard Branson. Nate just had a wardrobe malfunction, his pants just split. Eric Logan, the president of Harpo, gave up his pants for Nate. They show a photo, the crowd laughs. Oprah is handed the ripped jeans. She says that Nate couldn’t have worn them. No, that is a different show, says Nate.

Sir Richard Branson is a billionaire, the 212th richest man in the world. He was born outside London to a lawyer father and free spirited mother. He struggled in school with dyslexia but his poor grades never held him back. At 19, he launched a mail order record company out of the trunk of his car, he named it Virgin, as a nod to his lack of business experience. A record label and stores followed. Today the group includes 300 companies and is one of the most recognized brands in the world. His new endeavor, Virgin Galactic, will offer trips into outer space for anyone with $200,000.

After today the Pillsbury winner can travel to space, says Oprah. With change, adds Nate. Richard Branson has travelled the world many times over but there is one spot he calls home, his private island in the Caribbean, Necker Island. For the first time ever he allowed cameras into his home.

Nate meets Richard and admires the view. The island represents the beginning of the romance with his wife. 25 years ago he was chasing a beautiful woman and they discovered the island- now he has the island and the woman is his wife and the mother of his children. There was one palm tree and lots of cacti when he bought it. Over the years he has created his own dream on the island bringing everything over by boat, including some wild animals. He has just finished building his dream residence. They go to look at the house. No cameras have ever been here before. Looking around, Branson is thankful for everything in his life, he says that he was born under a lucky star, he says. Growing up, he had lots of love and praise and encouragement, and that is how he tries to raise his family. Off the great room is a moon shaped infinity pool. There are no walls in the house. The house is all to do with the view, he says. There is room for two in the tub. Nate asks if there is a moment when it felt like home. Richard tells of the male weaver bird who makes the nest in Africa. If the female comes along and is not happy with the nest, he rips it apart and starts over. When his wife approved the house, that was his moment. Richard’s office has a hammock. His favorite spot is the guest house perched on the cliff. Richard sits on the toilet and puts on a cloth crown and says that he is a Knight of the Realm on his throne. He says he forgot to mention that there is only one way out of the bathroom. They ascend to the beach below by zipline.

Boy, you get the good ones, says Oprah. Nate says to Oprah that he has seen everything now, from people living in small apartments to this. He had to keep reminding himself that he was at work. He says that the energy of the island was amazing, the people who work for Branson were so happy and laid back, staying there for 5,6,7 years, not the 6 months or so that you would expect. Oprah confirms that you can rent it out. Nate says that some very famous people are in the guest book. Oprah took her staff there when she had fewer staff. She loved it, she gained 11 pounds in 10 days, that is the most weight that she has ever gained at one time. It was everything says Oprah.

Richard is known for his adventurous spirit, says Oprah. His new toy is a brand new sleek high tech mini sub that flies underwater he is the only person to own one. It’s like a little fighter plane that flies underwater and it can go down 150 feet and explore wrecks, explains Richard. This is the maiden voyage of the Necker Nymph. Nate wishes him luck. He is not scuba certified so Nate stays on the boat. With the two-way radio Richard describes what he is seeing, “beautiful… fantastic” Its battery operated and silent. Branson really liked it.

That is cool, says Oprah. Nate says that he is so mad at himself that he is not scuba certified. Becky the producer went to the ocean floor with the camera. Nate is inspired by Branson to learn scuba diving. He says that he is very happy in the city and not attracted to outdoor adventure but Richard’s why not do it attitude has inspired him. Oprah says that she is the girl under the tree with the book.

Richard and Joan have been together for 34 years and have 2 children- Oprah loves that. Oprah says that Nate emailed her from Richard Branson’s yacht, while she was in Idaho with child molestors. The yacht is the Necker Belle, with a bar and Japanese style bedroom, Nate asks what it cost, about $30 million Branson says. Spending time with Richard is like being a kid again, says Nate. They jump on the trampoline and go to the top of the mast despite Nate’s fear of heights. Richard’s two children, Holly and Sam join them on board. Nate asks what the best advice is that they have received from their father. Sam says that they should be themselves, they have always had the freedom to do what they want to do and be who they want to be. Nate says they are very balanced- they say that their mum is very down to earth, the opposite of their dad. They were also kept out of the media spotlight as kids. Richard is very proud of his family, that they have each chosen their own path and they are great kids.

Oprah asks Nate where Richard works- he has always worked from home, he works from his hammock. He bought the island in the 70’s for $200,00 but it only had one palm tree and cacti, no running water or house or anything. Oprah asks Nate why he thinks that Branson is so successful- because of the access that he gives everyone, says Nate. Everyone is allowed to approach him and ask questions- his staff on the island, people from his company in from London. He solves problems and Nate found that fascinating. Oprah says to Nate that he had to do the Titanic “I’m the King of the world” thing on the yacht. Nate says that he couldn’t resist. Oprah was in Idaho, Ali was at the bake-off, and he was on the front of the yacht, it was so cool, so cool.

Oprah is concerned about the president of Harpo who currently has no pants on. She asks Nate if he will steam them, he says that he is clean, it’s morning, he’s bathed.

At the beginning of the show Nate revealed his wardrobe malfunction. The president of Oprah’s company, Eric Logan, leant Nate his pants. Eric comes out in a spa robe. He stands with Nate and says nice pants. Oprah says he adds a new meaning to the phrase “the shirt off my back.” She asks what he thought when he was told that Nate had split his pants. Eric says that he was in the middle of a meeting and in barged the producer saying that Nate needs his pants. Eric took them off in the dressing room and found a robe to wear to go back to his meeting. Nate says that the funny thing was that everyone in the green room scattered as the situation was so uncomfortable. Oprah thanks Eric for stepping in.

Nate had a final assignment to see if Richard would sign the No Phone Zone Pledge. Richard recalls that once we didn’t wear seatbelts and now it is second nature. He signs and thanks Oprah and urges others to sign. Remember April 30th is National No Phone Zone Day, says Oprah. Oprah thanks Nate for his report, anytime, he says.

Earlier in the show we met the finalists for the 44th Pillsbury Bake-Off. The judges have already decided and the decision is locked in a suitcase backstage. Oprah asks members of the audience which they preferred of the recipes that they tasted. There is an advocate for each recipe. They talk about basil season. Oprah hugs each and the audience applauds. This could be you next year, says Oprah. The moment that they have been waiting for, says Oprah. The suitcase is brought on stage, Oprah opens the envelope and calls for a drumroll. The grand prize winner is Sue Compton, creator of the ice cream cookie cup. Sue screams, confetti falls and the audience go wild. Sue and Oprah hug, Sue hugs the other contestants.

Sue Compton from New Jersey just won $1 million, she says that it feels awesome. She was once not so good in the kitchen, she’d be asked to bring potato chips to a pot luck. Her son John is on stage and says that he is surprised to be here. Oprah asks Sue how she came up with the recipe. Sue bought the allowed ingredients and played around with them. Oprah asks if she will be going to Necker Island with her winnings, Sue says no. Oprah asks her if she’s thought about what she would do if she’d win- Sue says that her towels are frayed, so she may replace those. You should, says Oprah. Sue thanks everyone and says that the million dollar recipe can be found on Oprah.com.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Nate Berkus wore the president of Harpo’s pants after a wardrobe malfunction. The president of Harpo wore a spa robe after Nate Berkus’ wardrobe malfunction.

Richard Branson does all of his work from his hammock.

Richard Branson likes his toys very much, including his $30 million yacht and his flying submarine.

Richard Branson’s Caribbean Island house has no walls, but it does have an infinity pool in the Great Room.

Sue Compton of New Jersey won $1million for her sugar cookie dough/ ice cream/ chocolate concoction in the 44th Pillsbury Bake Off.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Richard Branson is very, very, very rich. And yet he is only the 212th richest person in the world.

Date: April 22nd, 2010
File Under: Celebrity, Public Service Announcement, Transformation
1 comment

Episode 53: Superstar Mary J Blige & Malaak Rock

We love ourselves some Mary J Bilge here in Harpo land because she never disappoints, says Oprah. Even hopping on a plane today in a last minute crunch. She’s our friend but today she shows us a side that we have never seen before. But first, let’s see her big, big, big career. She has been lighting up our stage for years. Over the past 2 decades she has dug deep into her personal pain to connect with fans on an emotional level. Her soul inspired music has won her nine Grammy awards. In true MBJ fashion, her new album, Stronger With Each Tear, shot to number one on the Billboard Charts.

Many people may not know that Mary J has a rocker chick side. She’s a huge Led Zeppelin fan. Singing their classic hit Stairway to Heaven, here is Mary J Bilge, says Oprah. She sings, wearing her shades.

Who knew you were a Led Zeppelin fan and a rocker chick? Asks Oprah. Mary J says that she heard the song when she was 5, her father was a hippy and she heard this music all the time. She heard it again a couple of months ago and her body just froze. It was a memory hit, says Oprah. The new album is called Stronger With Each Tear, what does that mean to you asks Oprah? “For so long I felt like a weakling because I cried,” Mary says. Because she was trying to be so strong for everyone, for the world. “But I feel like I’m cool with that vulnerability now. I’m stronger with each tear. I’m stronger after every mistake I make because I’m not going to make those mistakes anymore.” Arent we all, yeah says Oprah. The crowd applaud.

We all see Mary as a strong passionate woman who overcame a rough childhood, abuse and addiction, says Oprah. When she offered to take the Oprah Show to the projects in Yonkers, New York, where she grew up, Oprah knew that this was an opportunity for young girls everywhere to dream big.

With Oprah Show cameras in tow, Mary returned to her childhood home. This is where I grew up, she says. It was her mom and sister when they first moved here. She would walk out of her building and this woman was being beaten and it looked like her head came off when he slapped her. She’ll never forget it. Women were out here getting beaten, screaming, you know, they were running out of their houses naked, and it affected her a lot as a child. Mary turns round to see her old neighbor, Nancy. They say hi and Mary tells her she should change, she is on the Oprah WInfrey Show. This is her building, and seeing all the abuse hurt her and affected her because she suffered abuse too. There was no way round it, it was as if they had it programmed into their psyches that this is the way that they were supposed to live as women. It was relentless.

They go upstairs to the third floor, waiting for the elevator. They had some fun, says Mary, but there was so much violence and abuse and drugs and the constant threat of rape or something. They used to get stuck in the elevator, don’t be stuck in here with a water bug. On the third floor they used to live near some of their friends, Rest In Peace Helen and Paul they are all gone. She knocks on her old door and a dog barks but no one answers. They would try and get away from people by going to the back of the building but they’d often run into abuse, where women would be getting a beating where the men thought no one could see them. It came full circle, she says. “I could have been dead because of this environment,” she says. “But because of this environment, I’m alive too.”

Oprah says that when you go home, wherever that may be, it is always smaller than you imagine it to be. Mary said that it did feel small but that she felt loved, this is it, this is where she goes home, this is where she was raised. Oprah says that before Mary became a superstar she vowed to get out of Yonkers and help the women whose screams kept her awake as a child. She did exactly that, take a look.

This is the Mary J. Blige Center for Women and she is so proud of this place. Last year she opened the learning center for struggling young women. They go into a GED class, then a computer room where women can search for jobs and create résumés. “My thing is if you save women, you save the world,” Mary says.

In 2009, Mary opened the doors to the Mary J. Blige Center for Women. The learning center serves struggling young women in Yonkers. It offers GED classes and has a computer lab. The center also provides childcare. “This is probably one of the most important places because when women are looking for jobs, a lot of time they don’t have babysitters,” she says. “That’s another thing that holds them back.” A 33 year old single mother of three was never able to go back to school, and that is why she is here. Mary says they’re just getting started. “From mothers to daughters to aunts, black, white, it doesn’t matter who you are: If you need help, the Mary J. Blige Center for Women is here,” she says. “It’s starting small, but we’re going to get bigger.”

Mary takes the cameras to Yonkers Pier because this is where things started. This is where she began to dream and have visions of what her life could be. She knew that she was going to get out of the projects. “I remember one day being here. I was sitting there, and it was a cloudy day. I started praying. I was really depressed that day, and I was crying and I was, like, ‘Father, if there’s a way out, please show me,’” she says. “As I was asking him that, the sky was full of clouds and it opened up and the sun came down. And I knew at that moment I was going to get out.”

Wow, says Oprah, that’s a miracle moment. Mary says it was real, real true, and she said thanks to God, of course. My Life, No More Drama and now Stronger With Each Tear, Mary’s new album- her albums are like little diaries of her life says Oprah. Oprah loves that Mary says that looking back at her music is like therapy for her, and that she says you have to learn to forgive that which you can’t forget. Mary says that is what works for her, she sdoesnt know what works for others. She has lived through so much hatred for herself that it turned into hatred for other people. Oprah asks if she knew it was hatred for herself? No she didn’t but when she did she had to realise that she had to let go of these people and release them to God, otherwise she would suffer so she had to forgive the unforgettable, for real. It is no cakewalk but it really works. You have to surrender what it is that is keeping you captive forever and she can’t give or show love through her eyes or music if she doesn’t have it. She is no angel but she does the best she can honestly. She says to God that she is not perfect but help her with this. They laugh. Oprah knows what she is saying

Mary says never forgetting where she came from has led to the greatest joy in her life—the ability to give back. Her charity, Foundation for the Advancement of Women Now (FFAWN), allows Mary to help the women whose screams kept her up at night as a child. “It’s a dream come true,” she says. Mary is also mentoring high school students at the Women’s Academy of Excellence, the only public all-girls school in the Bronx. Mary is so excited by this, she wishes that she was one of these young women growing up. Mary dropped out of high school in the 11th grade, which she deeply regrets. Mary has adopted the school whose goal is to get the girls to college.Even getting the uniforms is a struggle for these low income families. Mary is in the classroom, she wants these girls to do something she never did—graduate with a high school diploma. “When I was growing up, it wasn’t cool to be educated, so I fell into that slump,” she says. “When you’re in a peer pressure situation where you’re forced to do what everyone else does to survive, then you end up like I did.” “When you’re educated, you’re confident,” she says. “You know what you’re speaking about. You know who you are.” This spring the first class will graduate and many will go to college thanks to Mary’s help. The students find Mary to be inspiring and motivating, they are extremely thankful to her.

Wow says Oprah. What does it mean to Mary to give back to these girls? It means everything to her, says Mary. “I’m living vicariously through them, I wish I was them. I wish that I was graduating.” And they wish that they were you, says Oprah. Yeah, but can you understand what I am saying, says Mary. Yeah. Thanks to Carol’s Daughter for their contribution, a company owned by herself, Jada Pinkett, Will Smith and JayZ who have contributed money and scholarships to send these women to college. The only way she feels to give back is to be beautiful, to be smart, but it all starts in here, but it starts here so you want to put lotion on your body real good, so go get some Carols’ Daughter Lotion or make up.

Oprah thinks it is shocking that Mary has all this growth and is truly amazing and is not yet 40. What is Mary’s dream for herself for her 40’s? “I strive to be educated, to grow older gracefully, be happy and comfortable with myself,” she says. “And to have helped more women with my walk—not with what I’m saying but what they’re seeing.” Oprah asks what has been her greatest learning tool? Letting go of the ignorance and pride that you cant teach me anything. That comes from being married but at the end of day its about surrendering for yourself, for you. Fantastic, says Oprah, Mary will be back to perform a song at the end of the hour.

She’s married to one of the funniest men on the planet, but Chris Rock’s wife Malaak Compton-Rock is completely serious about why she is here. Her hopes zest and zeal for her new book, If It Takes A Village, Build One, catches on and spreads across the country. Oprah asks why she is so passionate about giving back. Malaak comes from a family of volunteers, her mom in the audience was a 60’s activist and she read the books of Marian Wright Edelman, founder of the Children’s Defense Line, as a child. For her, service is the rent you pay for living. Oprah loves that. Malaak has met people and been to places that she never would have been to otherwise. Oprah wants people to know that this is not a celebrity wife thing, it is part of who Malaak is. She used to work for UNICEF where she realized that the folks in the field are doing God‘s work, and it was a huge inspiration. Malaak took 30 at risk kids to South Africa on a Journey For Change. CNN’s Soledad O’Brian covered that trip, take a look.

These kids come from the Salvation Army community center that her husband attended as a child. The kids went to volunteer for two weeks in South Africa. As kids who were on the receiving end of aid, Malaak hoped that this experience will give them confidence and let them know that they have something to give. The kids are welcomed by aid workers who take them to visit local homes with no running water, plumbing or electricity. The kids know American poverty but this makes them cry. They take supplies to the family and realize that their giving makes a difference. Malaak sees changes in each of the kids. All of the kids have so much potential, and she loves them all and will be there for all of them.

Malaak and Chris believe in leading by example, especially when it comes to their daughters. This is something any family can do in any afternoon. Their 5 and 7 year old are learning all the ways in which they can give. This day they are going to deliver food and donate toys to a local shelter. The kids pick out toys to donate from their playroom. They go to a bagel store and they get enough food for 150 people. They go to a food assistance center where families in need go for dinner and they run a shelter. They help plate the food and give it out. They clean up and talk to some of the people eating.

Oprah finds it so interesting that Malaak‘s mom was an activist, and now Malaak is and her children will see that and that is how you pass it on. Oprah asks if the man at the bagel place just gave them all that food. He did, he was throwing away 100s of bagels a day before he knew that he could donate them. Chris is a silent giver, she says. He has been giving back to the center since he made his first dollar. Oprah asks what he thinks of her work? He supports everything she does and he is a phenomenal father. She couldn’t go and hold other people’s babies in South Africa every few months if she didn’t know that he was at home holding her babies.

When you give back, it gives to you. If you give a gift, why not give something that gives back? In their family, they have the give a gift, get a gift policy. Before they can play with new toys, they have to pick out an equal number from their playroom to give away. They then donate their gifts, which is a great way to teach her about giving. Oprah says that we should do that with our shoes too. Some of Malaak’s favorite products which give back include Laga handbags. A family who were moved by the tsunami, who are originally from Indonesia, now have Indonesian women make the bags for an above fair wage. Red is a business, they make money to help eradicate Aids in Africa. Red products help fund the eradication of AIDS. This coffee is Starbucks, it costs the same as regular, but $1 from each purchase goes to help. A Starbucks swipe gift card gives 5c each time it is used. Everyone loves chocolate, yes we do says Oprah. Divine chocolate is made in Ghana where the farmers are getting a fair wage, and they also own 45% of the company. The white chocolate is to die for, says Malaak. The UNICEF greetings cards help women and children across the world. Thanks you, says Oprah.

Oprah has a little business to do, but Mary wants to mention that 30% of each Carol’s Daughter purchase goes to FFAWN. Malaak and Mary have agreed to sign the pledge. Malaak needs to improve, the pledge is a wake up call. Mary can not multitask so this is easy for her. They sign. Coming soon on April 30th is National No Phone Day. Mary is going to sing Each Tear, the title track from her new CD, Stronger With Each Tear. She sings, the crowd applaud. Oprah says wow and they hug. Goodbye everybody.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

If you save women, you save the world.

You have to learn to forgive that which you can’t forget.

When you give back, it gives back to you.

Teach your children to give unto others.

Pass on activism to your children by being an activist.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

God told Mary J Blige she could get out of the projects by revealing sunshine on a cloudy day.

Date: April 21st, 2010
File Under: Betrayal, Public Service Announcement, Tragedy
5 comments

Episode 52: The Most Dangerous Child Sex Offenders in America

Right here in America there is an island where hundreds of the nations most violent sex offenders are being held and treated. Cameras are almost never allowed inside this controversial facility, but our own Lisa Ling was granted rare access. Here is why you need to watch- what we learn from these predators could and perhaps will save your children. It is Part 3 in our in-depth series of child sexual abuse and already the response has been everything we hoped for and more. Young victims are coming forward and in some cases the abuse has actually been stopped. Here’s a look back at parts 1 and 2, says Oprah.

They air extracts from February’s episode where child sexual offenders confessed their crimes. A week later they explored the rarely discussed topic of mother’s who molest their own children. They air extracts from the show.

Both of those shows struck a nerve for so many viewers and we will hear from them a little later, says Oprah. But first, Lisa Ling’s report from a place in America that is home to the nation’s most violent sex offenders. Lisa says that they are one hour outside of Seattle, in a beautiful town known for it’s luxurious homes. That is not where they are going. They are about to board a ferry to a small island where 300 of Washington’s State most dangerous sexual predators are housed. At the port, Lisa is met by Kelly Cunningham, the superintendent of this special commitment center on McNeil Island. This is a mental health facility for Level 3 sexual predators, Lisa says. “The worst of the worst.” All the people on the island have completed their prison terms. Yes, this is a civil commitment, says Kelly. “It’s not voluntary, not by any means,” Kelly says. “Our primary purpose is public safety. We don’t want any more victims.”

After serving their prison sentences in Washington State Prison, violent sexual predators who were deemed too dangerous to return to society, were committed to McNeil Island indefinitely. As they pull up, Lisa says that it looks more like a prison than a treatment center. Lisa tours the $60 million facility with Kelly. First, she visits the control center where guards monitor 200 security cameras. This is the heart of the institution. “There are only three other facilities in the country that have a similar system,” Kelly says. “They’re all super max prisons.” Despite the need for high-level security, most residents roam freely around the 5-acre campus. Walking through the yard they are approached by a man. Lisa asks Kelly is they can talk to the gentleman on camera. Lisa asks him if he should be here or should be kept away from the general population. He says no, not after treatment, he would not reoffend, he would not want to.

Inside is set up like a college dormitory with a gym, rec room and library. Computers and TV’s are permitted in the rooms but the internet is strictly off limits and only approved TV shows are allowed. Phone calls can be made freely but no inappropriate phone calls are allowed. Lisa asks what kinds of magazines are permitted. “Something as seemingly benign as a catalog isn’t allowed,” Kelly says. “We’ve had residents take those catalogs and tear out the pictures of the little kids in their underwear and use them for deviant fantasies.” Lisa learns that about 60 percent of McNeil Island’s residents are pedophiles.

Wow, says Oprah, Lisa joins us by Skype from North Hollywood, California. Oprah asks what it was like for her- as “all of us in this business” have been in uncomfortable situations- but what did it feel like to be with so many people who molest children?

“This assignment was certainly one of the most disturbing assignments of my career, especially to be amongst so many people with literally thousands of offenses toward children,” she says. “But I really tried to approach this with an open mind.” We are increasingly hearing more warped stories about child molestation in this country, but Lisa wanted to understand the behavior more. “I believe that the only way to be able to treat this issue is if we understand the behavior.”

So these people have served their prison time, who decides that they spend more time here? Asks Oprah. All of the residents, as they are called, have been before a judge and review board who will determine if the person is fit to be out in society or have to go to the civil commitment facility, explains Lisa. They can stay there indefinitely – they have the option of going in to treatment, and only if they go through the process and get reevaluated, do they have any chance of leaving, otherwise if they refuse treatment they stay indefinitely. Oprah asks how effective the treatment is? Well, no one knows definitively. Since its inception in 1990, 4 residents have been able to leave unconditionally and 16 others have been able to leave with supervision. But we are talking about a small number of the hundreds of residents. Oprah asks if they are a population who cannot control their sexual desires, what is going on there in the facility? Lisa says that they are stringently monitored, there are cameras everywhere and it is set up like a prison. Sex with other residents is strictly forbidden. Oprah asks if Lisa believed the man who said that he didn’t need treatment. Lisa says that initially most people say that they need to be there before treatment, but that if that man who is having treatment says that he is able to control his behavior then he may not reoffend. This is a controversial program, Lisa says, in a sense these people are being sent to this island to prevent them from committing crimes that they haven’t yet committed. There’s a lot of debate about this, says Lisa. Oprah says that she knows a lot of families who have lost their children, their babies, to predators, who wish that there had been programs like this to stop the death of their children.

Lisa says it costs taxpayers $165,000 per resident each year to keep them on the island. Dr. Carey Sturgeon, the clinical director for McNeil Island’s special treatment program says “There are some who say that taxpayer dollars shouldn’t fund treatment,” she says. “That people who commit crimes against children or sexual crimes should just remain in prison or remain locked up without services.”"I guess I want to live in a world where we believe in grace and that people can change,” she says. “Knowing that treatment can work for sex offenders is one way of living that.”

For the first time ever, Dr. Sturgeon allows cameras to film her therapy session with a group of convicted sex offenders. Not all of the residents want their faces shown. Lisa is introduced to the group. Since therapy is voluntary, Lisa says less than half of the residents participate. The ones who do are required to go to group sessions three times a week. While sitting in on the session, Lisa meets Brent, a man who has multiple convictions against both boys and girls. He talks about his victims and his deviant thoughts- he was attracted to the way the children looked. After an hour in the therapy session, Lisa says “When Brent first started talking, it was very uncomfortable for me,” she says. “It felt very, very awkward sitting there listening to the things that he had done.” She says that she looked around the room and it became clear to her that everyone else in the room had engaged in similar behaviors- she tried to just listen. It was certainly challenging, is seemed as an addiction and whether it can be cured, or not, all she tried to do was listen.

After therapy, Brent agreed to talk more with Lisa in his room. She asks why he asked to be here- one reason is that he saw one of his victims in the courtroom and didn’t want to put anyone through that process again. Lisa asks him how many victims? Over the years, he says he’s molested more than 40 children. Lisa asks what his life was like on the outside; he was married for 9 1/2 years he says and has 3 children. He says that he molested other children throughout his marriage but was never sexually attracted to his own. Lisa asks what would be going through his mind when he was around children he was attracted to. He says he would experience sexual preoccupation. “putting them in a role, elevating them to like a partner instead of seeing them as a child,” he says. When he was 10-11, he was a victim of sexual abuse from the man down the street. Lisa says that she was struck in group that he said he would go to church to look for victims. Brent says that it was to spend time with them, not find them. “Some of my victims attended the same church that I did,” he says. “So that was a place for me to go and spend time with them.” It was part of his front, that he believed in God, that he was going to church, that everything was ok. Lisa asks if there was always penetration. With almost every victim—up to 98 percent—Brent says the assaults involved sexual penetration. There was occasional touches through clothes but almost always there would be penetration, whether that would be anally or orally. “If you are able to get off this island, do you think you’ll ever be able to be around children?” Lisa asks.

“Realistically? Probably not. Not in the sense of having interpersonal relationships,” he says. “I never offended against my children. They’re adults now. But to be around say, my grandkids? No. My nephews? Nieces? No. No. That’s not an option, and that’s a tough one to take.”

Back in the studio, Oprah says to Lisa that Brent is one of the more enlightened ones as he knows that he cant be around children. Lisa says that she was told that during treatment the residents often come to realize that they may get off the island but they will still have fantasies about children, they know that they would engage in wrong behavior. Oprah asks if Lisa got a sense that Brent had a sense of remorse? Lisa says that she got the feeling that after a lot of treatment, he had a sense of what he had done wrong. He is someone who said that he would have reoffended when he got out of prison, and that is why he asked to be sent to the island.

Oprah says that we are watching this so that If you have ever been molested, or if you have children, to understand and get into the minds of predators. Out of the nearly 300 residents on McNeil Island, only one is a woman. Until now, Laura has never spoken to a reporter about her crimes against children.

Lisa is in the housing unit for the one female resident, to see if she is willing to talk. She is a little intimidated by this but agrees to talk if there is Lisa and one camera man only. Lisa thanks Laura. Lisa asks her why she’s here. In 1989, Laura was sent to prison for the first-degree rape of a child. Lisa asks if Laura should be here-absolutely says Laura. Lisa asks if she is a danger to society and Laura says that is a tough one, she’ll just say that she has more things to work on. Lisa asks how many offenses she has committed? Laura says she took responsibility for 15 offenses, but she says she’s guilty of many more. “I would say, as I said in all of my testings and stuff, that I’ve done, I would say, 100 or more,” she says. Before she was arrested, Laura was a caretaker for babies and toddlers. She admits she sexually abused her young victims while babysitting them. Lisa asks what would go through her mind when Laura was offending “It’s not like every time I see a kid, I get aroused and know I want to hurt them,” she says. “It’s being in the line of their care, like having to bathe them or change them or take care of them physically … I did bad things, really bad things.” Once, Laura says she almost killed one of her victims by suffocating her with a pillow. “I had a friend there, so that got interrupted, which I was very glad for after the fact,” she says. Lisa asks if anything would have stopped her- Laura says she doesn’t think anything would have stopped her.”I didn’t need to groom my victims because they were so young,” she says. “But I did have to groom their parents.” Laura says she groomed low-income, drug-addicted moms by offering them drugs and alcohol.

Lisa asks her what things parents should be aware of. “Don’t just let any Joe Blow babysit your kids. If your kids are uncomfortable around that person or they don’t want to leave with that person, don’t make them go,” she says. Lisa asks if there were signs, if people were paying attention? Yes, that’s the thing says Laura. “I think that there are actually more women out there just like me. I just think they haven’t been caught.” “Back when I was offending, if I saw a parent who seemed negligent or they didn’t want to be bothered with their kid or they didn’t want to go to the park or they didn’t want to play with them or they were messy and dirty or they needed a bath, those were the kind of people that I targeted,” she says. Any child is vulnerable, says Laura, but especially those who don’t get what they need, says Laura. Lisa asks if she has had any interactions with her victims? No, she is not allowed to talk to them, she prays for them, she hopes they are happy and that their lives are not ruined by what she did. Lisa asks if she feels remorse, Laura believes that she does. She has 4 children, 4 girls, they don’t live with her and they never have. She offended against her youngest- it was more physical abuse than sexual abuse, but it was still abuse, their is no difference, she says. Lisa asks if she was molested as a child? Yes, she was, she was 7. Lisa asks if it was violent- Laura says that all molestation is violent, or rape. She has a hard time with the word molestation, because it’s like you didn’t molest, you raped. She sometimes thinks that molestation is an attempt to clean it up. So, Lisa says, you raped. Yes, says Laura.

Back in the studio, Oprah says she agrees with Laura- the word molestation gives everyone a break. Lisa was shocked by Laura’s candor and to reiterate what she said, she sought out environments where she could be in the care of children. This is why these programs they are doing are so important, to inform parents that they need to be ultra diligent: people may not have a criminal background, but they may have multiple offenses against children, like Laura did. Oprah says that she found interesting that Laura said the same as the offenders that she interviewed; they are looking for kids who are neglected and needy, whose parents have not paid attention to them. The abusers are preying on vulnerable children, often of single mothers. Lisa says that they are professional exploiters. Oprah says that the stories we hear on the news of children being chopped up and left in a ditch are the extreme stories, what we are talking about here are the rapes and sexual abuse by people that the families know, by those who gain the trust of the family. Lisa agrees that this is the most important issue- the fact that Brent went to church with his victims to build up confidence and trust within the family. Oprah says that we are looking fro the bogeyman but he may live down the street or be in the house. He may be a relative says Lisa. It often is, says Oprah.

After Oprah aired her no-holds-barred conversation with four admitted child molesters in February 2010, letters, emails and phone calls started pouring in. “We were overwhelmed by the response to that interview. So many victims and parents—and even molesters—came forward. That is exactly the reason why I wanted to do these shows,” Oprah says. “To get people to step out of the shame, to come forward, to tell somebody.” They wanted to create a platform for people to continue to share their stories. For the rest of the program, they will show just what happened when they kept that conversation going in their studio.

After her no holds barred conversation with four molesters, this is what one woman wrote: I’ve been living with the secret for 50 years and having you look into the camera and saying that it was not your fault, you were the victim, I feel like 50 pounds have been lifted from my shoulders.”

Some people have disagreed with the point that Oprah made when she said if an abuser does his or her job well, the abuse feels good. This can add to a victim’s feelings of shame and confusion. A survivor of sexual abuse, Diane, wanted to share a differing viewpoint, based on her own violent childhood. On the phone she says that “I just wanted to make people aware that it’s not always that you’re going to feel good or get pleasure from it. A lot of times, it’s fear and intimidation. It’s abuse. It’s the fear of being beat again. It’s the abuser using abuse to get you to do what they want.” Oprah asks her how old she was when it started. She was raped at 9 years old “There was violence throughout my childhood,” she says. “He abused us enough that, when he said he was going to do something, we believed it.” Oprah says she understands where survivors like Diane are coming from. “There are many situations where that happens,” she says. “And as I’ve said before on this show, I’m speaking broadly and in, of course, general terms.” Diane says that she does not disagree with Oprah at all, but she wanted to tell others that sometimes it is violent. Oprah asks when the abuse stopped. The abuse stopped just before Diane’s 13th birthday. Diane says she and her sister, who was abused by the same man, were intimidated into keeping their terrible secret. she says. Oprah asks if others in the household knew that it was going on? No, absolutely not- there was so much physical abuse going on that no one saw beyond that. Oprah asks why they didn’t tell? “When he said he would kill us, we believed him.” He stabbed her mom, he did so many different things that they believed what he said. I get that, says Oprah.

Since Oprah launched her series, two convicted child molesters have also come forward. Ken, one of the molesters, calls in to share a message with vulnerable children and parents. “Once a child molester, always a child molester,” he says.

First off Ken says that he was molested for 1 – 1/2 years by a man who was living with them at the time. When Ken was 10 or 11 years old, he says he was groomed and subsequently molested by a man well known to his family. Now, at 48 years old, he admits that he followed the same violent pattern. “I molested my relative, a 10-year-old girl,” Ken says. Ken says this was the only time he molested a child…but he tried unsuccessfully twice before. “I tried with two other relatives, but they didn’t let me,” he says. “I didn’t force.” “What did they do that stopped you?” Oprah asks. “One, when I started reaching my hand, she would block it, and I never actually got to touch her,” he says. “In the back of my mind, I think that child, either somebody else had done something with her or somebody taught her well. The other relative, I tried a quick, accidentally-on-purpose touch, and I got a very negative response from that person.”

The reason that Oprah is doing this series of shows is to educate parents and children on their own power. Oprah says to her girls at the school all the time- when you are 4 and 5 it’s hard to stand up for yourself and have a voice but when you get old enought to use your voie or block, you can. Oprah says this is an important takeaway for children and parents. “No molester wants trouble. No molester wants to be identified,” she says. “Train your children that, regardless of who it is, you’re not supposed to be touched in a certain way, in a certain place or you’re not supposed to allow that to happen to them. If they say no immediately, the molester is going to look to find somebody who will.”They are looking for a more vulnerable child, they will move away from the big mouth. Nobody wants to mess around with somebody who will expose them.

Oprah continued raising awareness about childhood sexual abuse in part 2 of the series by by touching on a subject that’s rarely discussed—mothers who abuse. Gregg Milligan, a man who says he was brutally raped by his mother when he was a boy, shared details of his horrific childhood. His story inspired even more victims to come forward. Tom, a 39-year-old who says he’s a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, joins Oprah on Skype to thank her for bringing Gregg’s story to light. Unlike Gregg, Tom never got married or had children because he says he’s afraid to bring children into this world. For many years, Tom also felt lost. Tom says that the story does not compare to Gregg’s, that story brought him to tears, he feels a lot for Gregg.

“A lot of us, I guess, it happened when we were younger, 8 or 9 years old. … You really don’t have much in your life at that age but your family, and for some people, a relationship with God,” he says. “When something like that does happen, and it’s a family member, you pretty much shatter that duality of the comfort of your family and your spirituality.” Tom was lost for a long time, set himself up and sabotaged himself on a number of occasions. He thanks Oprah for talking about this; 30 years ago this was taboo and would never have happened. Oprah says that as a reporter in Baltimore she had never shared her story. She was in her 20s and a woman came on the show and told her story- she was abused by her uncle and a friend of the family. Oprah was too ashamed and even though she wanted to say that it happened to her too, she couldn’t. “I know what it’s like, and I also know how freeing it is to recognize you are not the only one,” she says. At 22, she thought she was the only one that this had happened to. Gregg says that at first you believe that it is normal and happens in every family, then there is the dramatic shift where you think that you are the only person in the world that this is happening too. So you must be a freak, adds Oprah. Oprah thanks Tom.

We know Dr. Laura Berman as a sex therapist and as the author of books like The Book of Love. However, Dr. Berman has also worked extensively with child molesters and victims of sexual abuse, and she sees the aftermath. As Oprah keeps saying, its not just the act itself, it’s what happens after the act. Dr. Berman says that even after the abuse ends, a survivor may struggle for decades. According to Dr. Berman, long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse may include:

Poor body image because the body was the instrument used during the sexual abuse. There are often bad attitudes towards the body, seeing it as bad and dirty and that deeply affects the survivor. The common feelings are shame, guilt, isolation, depression and low self-esteem. Sexual confusion or promiscuity can be a result of not dealing with the emotions and feelings surrounding the abuse. Confusing rape or sexual abuse fantasies may be a way of taking their power back. Many victims suffer with eating disorders, obesity and anorexia- the anorexia is a way to find control in a world that feels out of control. Obesity is often used to keep sexual attraction at bay and to stop the emotions.

If these feelings are not dealt with, it can often lead to other destructive behaviors such as

Drug abuse and alcoholism
Poor decision-making in relationships
Difficulty with intimacy
Suicidal behavior

Oprah thanks Dr Laura Berman and stresses the importance of listening to our children. She says that the caller gave great advice today- if you teach your children well, if an offender comes to them and they say no, that person will move on. If you are a child, tell someone today. Tell a teacher, and if they don’t believe you, tell a friend or a parent. And if you are a parent and you have that “Hmm, something is off there” feeling, that is an instinct, that is what it feels like. This is what has to happen. Parents all across America have to risk blowing up their families and stirring up all kinds of trouble if you want to stop the molesting of your children. Thanks and bye.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

The treatment facility on McNeil Island houses 300 Level 3 sexual predators who are deemed to be unable to return to society without re-offending.

The facility is controversial as the”residents” are there to prevent them from committing crimes that they haven’t yet committed.

Interviews with the predators reveal that parents and childrena nd society need to be ultra-vigilant in our battle to stamp out child sexual abuse.

Predators prey on the needy and vulnerable. Teach your children to speak loudly for themselves.

The offense is only one part of the equation, the aftermath can have devastating consequences for the victim, including eating disorders, poor body image, drug abuse, alcoholism and suicide.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

A child sexual predator may be in your house. Be ultra vigilant. Teach your kids that they have their own power.

Date: April 13th, 2010
File Under: Celebrity, Entertainment
3 comments

Episode 51: Oprah Fridays: Superstar Kenny Chesney

It’s Friday. He’s one of country’s biggest superstars, a self-described hillbilly rockstar; one of his biggest hits is called She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy. Fans just love this good old boy from Tennessee, take a look. Kenny Chesney started playing music seriously in college when he got a guitar for Christmas and practiced hard hoping that one day he’d hear one of his songs on the radio. We all know how that turned out- he is now country music’s biggest star with 8 Entertainer of the Year Awards and 30 million albums sold. He has sold more concert tickets than any other person on the planet. He hopes to get even closer to his legions of loyal fans by singing his heart out and sharing his thoughts in his new movie, “Kenny Chesney Summer in 3D.” For all you Chesney nuts, this one is for you, coming to theaters on April 21st.

Yay! Shouts Oprah, Kenny comes into the studio and the crowd scream. He shakes some hands on his way in and hugs with Oprah. The crowd keep screaming. We ought to make this a ritual, says Oprah, you were here last year for your birthday and now you’re here again. It’s been almost a year, says Kenny. How’s the year been, asks Oprah? It’s been great says Kenny, there’s been a whole tour and he got off the road in September and thought he’d take a year off, but not only is he in the film but he made it. And you have to be present for that, says Oprah. Yes. Kenny says that he and his fans have a unique relationship, its a very unique love affair. The crowd whoop. Oprah says that it is an interesting thing; she feels the same way, that she has a relationship with her fans. Kenny says that there are a large number of people who grew up with him and were there when there was nothing. He watched the montage the Oprah Show did and says that you separate it from your perspective and to see what that looks like is interesting. Oprah asks what it does look like to have thousands of fans screaming his name and some are throwing their panties- no one has ever thrown their panties at Oprah. When people are doing the wave and throwing their panties, how does it feel? That’s alot of fun right there, says Kenny. So many nights he wants the audience to see what he sees and feel what he feels, it is so amazing. One of the things putting the movie together was how much fun and how passionate the fans are and how much they care- it showed him how deep it really goes. Oprah asks about his pre-show ritual. He always goes to the top of the stadium or the arena; the people in the back row are as important as those in the front. It’s important to see how far he has to go to touch the people in the back, to make them feel that they are in the front row. He talks to the audience in the back row in the studio and Oprah says that they have some good seats back there. She says that she is putting on an accent talking to Kenny and he says that he doesn’t think that he has an accent. I think you do, says Oprah. Kenny is from Tennessee.

In this scene from the final stop of the summer tour, the fans get to see what they mean to KC- when he can’t find his voice, they sing it for all of us, he narrates. Songs and dreams and people do matter. That’s such a beautiful moment says Oprah. Kenny says that everything he ever felt in his life he felt right then. The song lyrics contained every emotion and he couldn’t sing. He and everyone knew that this was going to be it for a while, he wasn’t going to tour as much, and he was so exhausted he didn’t know if he could continue, but he feels different now.

Oprah asks is he has time for relationships when music is his life- is that why his relationship with Renee Zellweger failed? Yes, that and he panicked. Kenny looks at his life as a box, at least musically. Everything that he put in the box- guitar playing, friends, career, songs, success, awards all went in the box and it grew to a beautiful house. You protect that house. This is the first time he has talked about this, he protected the box. Oprah asks if the marriage is inside or outside of the box? Kenny laughs and says that Renee is a sweet soul. Oprah says that she never married, she was relieved that she was asked, but felt that the idea of doing it made her panic too. Kenny always had the idea that marriage would make him lose his identity. Oprah identifies with that. Kenny hasn’t found anyone bigger than that yet, he hopes it happens. Oprah ask if he has the time to give to a relationship. Right now, he is busy running a radio station, doing his lives and other peoples lives depend on him- people are building houses and having babies based on him not getting tired. Oprah asks if he is in a relationship right now, then calls him on it when he glosses over the question. Yes he is.

They show a clip from the movie celebrating his grandmother’s first ever flight- on her grandson’s airplane. Oprah asks if he has any dreams left, if he has new dreams. He’d like to get better, have a kid. Oprah says it’s interesting that he said he’d like a kid, as he can have one any time. Would he like to settle down? Does that cause him anxiety? He doesn’t think it causes him anxiety- five years ago it would have, but now music willl always be part of his life and he can see himself settling down. Oprah asks what makes him happy when he is not on stage. He loves water, he loves to be on his boat. He likes to get up, put on Bob Marley and watch the sun move in the sky. Oprah asks when someone last ticked him off. He says that he went on TV once and someone asked him about Rene Zellweger. He laughs and laughs, the crowd clap. He couldn’t resist, he says. He doesn’t get mad easily but people know if he is upset. He does the stare, he doesn’t blast them. Oprah doesn’t blast them either, she becomes an iceberg.

Dr Brian Stern an oral surgeon from Columbus Ohio introduces Crystal Johnson, his office manager who is Kenny Chesney’s biggest fan. She decorates the office for his birthday, she has a full size cut out of Kenny. She has a tiki bar in his basement. Crystal thinks they are having a presentation about their website filmed, but Kenny comes on the computer and tells her he appreciates his birthday party and will send along some key lime pie. He tells her to take the day off and come meet him in Chicago at the Oprah Show the next day. Crystal screams and cries, she says “I love that man”. In the studio she gives Kenny a birthday hug and kiss and tells him that she loves him. He says he loves her too. She celebrates Kenny’s birthday every year. This is a really good year, says Oprah. He has his guitar with him and is taking requests. He sits next to Oprah singing. The crowd applaud. He takes another request from a woman who says it brings back wonderful memories of a trip she took with her mother 4 years ago. The crowd applaud. To hear all of Kenny’s hits and experience the thrill of his life up close and personal, go see his film in the theater- it’s up for two weeks starting April 21st. Thanks Kenny.

Ok says Oprah, whats on your list of things to do before you die? One thing for Kenny was to take his grandmother on her first plane ride, Oprah has always wanted to go to the Pyramids and to officially be a teacher. What’s on your list? Watch this and be inspired. 4 years ago four disillusioned friends from Vancouver, Canada asked themselves what do they want to do before they die. With cameras rolling, they made a list of 100 things, got a purple bus and got to work. In Dallas, Ben gave a toast at a stranger’s wedding. In LA they entered a dance competition. Duncan told a joke on late night TV and they all wanted to experience the miracle of birth so they made it happen. They helped delivered a baby in Memphis. Everywhere they go they ask strangers what they want to do before they die. Queen wanted to visit her mom’s graveside. In the wake of Hurricane Katrina her mom died from a water-borne disease. She was in the Superdome and was bussed to Denver. Queen was in a hotel with the rest of her family. Touched by Queen’s story, the friends worked in a restaurant to earn the money to fly Queen to her mom’s final resting place, the cemetery in Denver. They find the headstone amongst the thousands, Queen just wants her mom with her.

Please welcome the guys from MTV’s The Buried Life, Duncan, Dave, Johnny and Ben. The crowd applaud. That’s a powerful moment says Oprah. Yes they say; they just met Queen on the street in Memphis, They found the woman whose baby they helped deliver on Craigslist. They worded their ad carefully saying that they would support her. Her boyfriend was afraid of blood- they looked like they were too, says Oprah. They said it was terrifying, Oprah says isn’t it amazing too? Yes, the most amazing experience of their lives, one of them says. Oprah asks how they came up with this- is there one master list? They started this 4 years ago from their garage. Doing this started out 3 years ago, before the TV show, but #53 on their list was to make a TV show, so they decided to just do it. The crowd applaud. Oprah is curious how many people have “come to the Oprah Show” on their list. Many of the crowd put up their hands and cheer. Oprah says it’s a bucket list- check, done that. What does The Buried Life mean, she asks? It sounds dark, they say but it is not. One of them read the poem by Mathew Arnold in English Class and it just struck them. You have your life where your things to do can kill you, so they decided to celebrate life rather than be buried by it.

The boys from The Buried Life took to the streets of Chicago two days ago. It’s windy, they ask strangers what they want to do before they die. Eventually they meet Tamika a mom of two working in Ben and Jerry’s on Navy Pier. Her dream is to get over her debilitating fear of heights- she has never been above the 16th floor of any building. She gets bubbles in her stomach when she goes above the 10th floor. If she could conquer her fear of heights she would go everywhere and go in all the buildings. They offer to help Tamika to make this a day she’ll never forget. She is undecided but agrees to do it for her kids. They take her to the 3rd tallest building in the world, the Willis Tower, formerly known as the Sears Tower. That’s kind of high she says, they have big hugs. She thinks it is too high. They say they understand that this is a big thing so they will take it slow, they take her to the 103rd floor. At first she didn’t want to get out of the elevator. Their goal is to get her to walk on the glass skydeck, overlooking the city. An hour later she still isn’t sure, the crowd rally behind her and she does it. She says that it feels amazing, she’s on the glass.

You did it shouts Oprah. She asks Tamika to stand up and asks her how it felt. It felt wonderful, but Tamika is not sure she would have stood on the glass if the crowd had not been there cheering her on. Oprah asks Dave about checking off #95. They were trying to check off playing basketball with Barack Obama. Wow, says Oprah. They went to DC and tried everything that they could but by the end of the episode the President’s Assistant, Reggie Love, told them that they couldn’t do it. A week ago they went back to DC because Reggie said that they could come see the basketball courts. They went and were shooting around and all of a sudden, Reggie goes, I think we have company and Barack Obama walks over and says that he heard that they were in town and wanted to shoot some baskets. The President said that he was pretty busy, had this little healthcare thing going on, but he could shoot some baskets. He’s really good too, they say. They played with him for ten minutes, then he had to head back to the office. That is so cool, so cool, says Oprah.

Oprah says that the technically savvy guys of the MTV Generation could be ambassadors for their generation by signing the No Phone Zone Pledge. They agree and say that they can hand them out when they hit the road in summer. They are signing all three pledges and says they know how important it is and they are happy to do it. Oprah thanks them, says that what they are doing is so inspiring and she is delighted that they have been picked up for a second season. Goodbye everybody.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

There is a country singer called Kenny Chesney who is apparently extremely popular.

Kenny says that he and his fans have a unique relationship, its a very unique love affair.

No one has ever thrown their panties at Oprah.

If one of the items on your Things To Do Before I Die list is to play basketball with Barack Obama, your chances of success are raised if you are filming a hit MTV show. Also, he is good at it.

Likewise if four of you and a TV crew want to be present at the birth of a stranger’s baby, write a carefully worded Craigslist ad offering “support”. The MTV hit show bit probably helps.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Kenny Chesney and his fans have a unique love affair. He even loves those who celebrate his birthday and have a life size cut out of him in their tiki bar basement.

Date: April 9th, 2010
File Under: Marriage, Relationships

Episode 50: In The Bedroom: Sex Therapy With Dr Laura Bergman

Way back in 1993 one of the earlier topics of the Oprah Show was called My Love Life is Deader Than a Doornail. Based on the emails she has been receiving, Oprah thinks it is time to revisit that topic. The Oprah Show is sending their resident sex expert, Dr. Laura Berman into the trenches to see where it all goes down—or doesn’t—inside bedrooms across America. Before they get into it, now is a good time to send young children out of the room so they won’t be asking “Mommy, what is a vagina?”, says Oprah.

Shayna and her husband, Dan, have been married for eight years. Oprah says that when the team first saw them they thought there is no way that this cute young couple are not having lots of good sex. But Shayna says that it is so bad that she doesn’t even want to kiss her husband. So they sent Dr Berman in, take a look.

Shayna 32 has been married to Dan for 8 years. Dr Berman arrives at their house. They have 3 kids between them already, they are a mixed family. “There was a lot of chemistry when we first got together,” Shayna says. “We couldn’t get our hands off each other.” Since getting married, though, Dan says the sex has dwindled. “In the beginning, we’d probably have sex a couple, or a few times a week,” he says. “Then that week turned into two weeks turned into probably two, three times a month.” Shayne is sad that her relationship has come to this. One of the biggest obstacles in Shayne and Dan’s sex life is that Shayna doesn’t like kissing, on the mouth or anywhere else. “It makes me feel repulsed,” she says. “It makes me feel disgusted, and it makes my skin crawl.”

Perhaps not surprisingly, Dan has started to take this personally. “It makes me wonder sometimes if it is me—if she’s just not into me, or if she’s not into me or turned on by me anymore or if I’m lacking somewhere,” Dan says. Dr Berman asks what would happen if she asked them to go kiss somewhere. Shayna wouldn’t want to. She wants to want to but doesn’t understand why she doesn’t want to. “Foreplay consists of Shayna having her vibrator and me sitting there pretty much waiting till she’s ready to have sex, “ says Dan. Dr Berman asks about manual foreplay or massage. That’s ok, she says, she likes massage. Dan says that his wife will barter for massage. “If I give her a massage, she’ll have sex,” Dan says. Dr Berman asks what else they barter for sex. “Just everyday things that I don’t like to do” says Shayna, like making their three children’s sandwiches or filling the gas tank. “It’s like, if I have to do a chore, then you have to do a chore.”

Back in the studio, Oprah says to Dan that hearing his wife say that she is repulsed by kissing, what does that feel like? Dan says it is the first time he heard that but it doesn’t make him feel good, he doesn’t know if it’s his looks… Oprah says “you’re cute”. “Thank you Oprah,” says Dan, ”you’re beautiful. We’ll talk,” says Dan. They laugh, Oprah says OK, later. Shayna hasn’t always hated kissing, she says. “I remember that person that I used to be, that couple we used to be, and I really didn’t understand what had happened over the years,” she says. Oprah says that is unusual- because she likes kissing, and most women do. But often women don’t want to kiss because it leads to foreplay. Dr Berman says that kissing is a big part of most women’s libido. Oprah says that the first thing that Dr Berman does with couples is to take a sexual history, just like a doctor would take your medical history. It took some digging to find what was at the core of Shqyna’s problems in the bedroom. There is always something.

“I grew up with just my mom and my sister, so there was no man in the house at all,” Shayna says. “I was 14 at the time I remember her meeting her husband now, and it was very difficult because I just remember them going on dates or her even just laughing with someone else, and I felt betrayed. … I felt like it was disgusting. I didn’t want to think about it. I was angry.”

Dr Berman asks if she can integrate being a mom and a sexual being, can she be both? Shayna says she doesn’t know how to integrate both being a mother and a sexual being. She wants to be able to do both. Dr Berman asks how her need to be seen as the perfect mom by those around her plays out in her sex life? Shayna is not able to let go and allow herself to be a sexual person. “I feel like I would destroy their worlds. Like they would think that’s disgusting or gross,” she says. “I don’t want to be responsible for them ever feeling mad.”

Dr. Berman says that Shayna is giving her kids everything that she didn’t have, and the reason that she was traumatized by her mom’s sudden sexuality was because you lost her. She asks if her kids will lose her? Never, says Shayna. “I’m not saying that any child should see their parents having sex or know the details of their sex life, but the best family structures, the best relationships that children experience, is the balance,” Dr. Berman says.

To allow your children seeing you being intimate, not having sex but kissing and touching and loving is the way that they grow up and apply that back to themselves says Oprah. “You’re their model of what a loving, intimate relationship is. So, you don’t want them knowing the details of your sex life, but to have a sense of the sensual and sexual chemistry between their parents is important.” Says Dr. Berman. What makes Shayna feel safe is her false sense of control of everything around her, including Dan, says Dr. Berman. Oprah says that a lot of women use having sex, or not, as a form of control.

After four hours of therapy, to start the work of getting intimate again, Dr. Berman gave Dan and Shayna two shared homework assignments. Assignment #1 was to spend 15 minutes kissing, with no sex. Assignment #2 was to spend time talking. Not about the kids or the roof or chores… Shayna thinks they’ll have nothing to talk about. They went out to dinner and talked about what they appreciate about each other and their fantasy vacation. They had a great time. Shayna has a foreboding feeling about the kissing homework. She tries to center herself to get out of the routine. Two minutes later they give up. “It was a big failure,” Shayna says. She doesn’t know if she should fake it because it still makes her feel gross and she doesn’t know how to get over that. Dan is frustrated because Shayna gave up so quickly.

Back in the studio, Oprah asks who initiated the kiss. Dan said that they went to the bedroom. Shayna says that “I was supposed to initiate the kiss when I was ready. He was holding me and right away I started to feel pressure because I felt out of control. I had this flood of emotion. I started to think about all of the things riding on this moment.” Oprah notes the control issue. “The way I soothe myself is I try to find things that I can control, so the only thing I can control is being a good mom, because that’s the story in my mind of who I am. That’s where I feel safe. … I thought about my kids, and then I felt disgusted and I couldn’t even lift my face up to his.” Dr. Berman says that they figured out that Shayna likes kissing but is afraid of being turned on by her husband. In her mind she feels that if she is turned on then her children will lose her, because that is what happens with her mom.

Shayna and Dan’s second homework assignment was to take a field trip with Dr. Berman. The strategy was that Dan will help Shayna confront her deepest fears. It will help with control issues and let her put more trust in Dan. She is asking them to climb the rock wall. “When I walked in and saw the rock wall and realized I was going to be climbing it, I thought I was going to faint,” Shayna says. Shayna said to Dan that she can’t do this either, she is ruining everything. Shayna tells Dr. Berman that she is really afraid of heights, she can’t even look at the climbing wall. Dr. Berman says this is a symbol of their relationship. Shayna is getting mad and scared and blocking out her husband and everything around her. She is going to let Dan literally support her. Dr. Berman says that it is ok to cry. Shayna is literally supported by her husband- Dan holds the harness so she can’t fall. Shayna and Dr. Berman climb the wall together. After a few steps, Shayna says that it is not as hard as she thought it would be. Dr. Berman tells her to let go, she cries, she holds Dr. Berman’s hand. She is afraid to come down. Dan gently lowers her down, and she hugs Dan at the ground. Dr. Berman says that the transfer of control to Dan is really important and healthy for their relationship and that this will translate into their sex life. Dan and Shayna kiss.

Shayna says that she feels really good right now, really free and that words can’t express how she feels. She did something that she didn’t think she could do. Before she was so afraid she couldn’t look at it, but now she sees after doing it that it is just a wall. “A wall is just a wall, a kiss is just a kiss” says Dr. Berman. She already gave me one, says Dan. She wanted to, this was something they did together, this was so cool, says Shayna.

Oprah asks what just happened. Dr. Berman says that when people are stuck emotionally, they talk but often finding a physical manifestation of the problem makes a connection for them. In Shayna’s case she had to put her trust in Dan and let go, and she didn’t fall, she actually let go. That is huge, says Dr. Berman. Of course not all their problems are solved but a huge lightbulb just went off. Oprah recaps that Shayna was repulsed a couple of days earlier, was she not thinking about the kiss? “It literally felt like a spiritual awakening. I had not been able to let go for so long, and physically letting go, I was able to see what was on the other side, and it felt like freedom,” she says. What is on the other side says Oprah? Freedom, I felt empowered, like a different person says Shayna. From letting go of a rockwall, says Oprah. Isn’t that amazing says Dr. Berman? Yes, where is that rockwall? replies Oprah.

Dr Berman asked them to repeat the kissing for 15 minutes assignment. Yesterday’s homework was an A+ says Dan, it went really well adds Shayna. Dr Berman asks why they are smiling. They had sex this morning says Shayna. You cheated says Dr. Berman. But I wanted to, says Shayna. She says that she’s feeling happy for the first time in forever and she wanted to live in this moment. Dr. Berman says that they might slip back a little now that they will go back to routine but she is thrilled that things are coming together so quickly for them. Oprah asks why they weren’t supposed to have sex. Because they had such a dysfunctional pattern of sex, it was about bartering- they were having sex but were not physically or emotionally together. Dr. Berman likes to take sex out of the equation in these instances so that the couple can build a renewed relationship. In this case, she would have been happy if they had kissed. She was surprised that there was enough of a release in Shayna that she could cheat on her homework. Oprah asks what was different this time. Shayna said she stopped seeing things through the eyes of her children. “I think I finally realized that I am allowed to be Shayna outside of mother. I’m allowed to be a wife,” Shayna says. “It doesn’t mean I don’t love my children, and it doesn’t mean I’m not going to be there for them. Just that physical release of control to me felt so empowering that I was able to let go.” Oprah asks if the sex was different this time… Dan nods. Oprah recounts that at the beginning of the show Dan said he would sit and wait while Shayna used the vibrator, so when she was almost at orgasm he would say ok I guess it is my turn. Right, says Shayna. How was it different? Dan said it started with a kiss straight after the wall, lots of kissing, lots of foreplay. Shayna was able to relax and enjoy it, be in the moment with the feelings. Dr. Berman says. “Their work is just beginning because they made this huge breakthrough, but now it’s about keeping the momentum going, especially now that they’re back in their regular lives and she’s back in mommy mode. That’s when the real work begins, to be able to keep the mommy mode going, feel good about that and to keep being Shayna and to keep being a wife.” Thanks so much to Shayna and Dan says Oprah, that was very brave of them to let us into their private life.

Last year the New York Times reported that married couples have sex 58 times a year—that’s a little more than once a week. They also found that 15 percent of people say they aren’t having sex more than ten times a year. On average, Dr. Laura Berman says sexless marriages are the number one problem she sees in her couples therapy practice. Linda and Doug say they’ve had sex only a handful of times over the past five years, and they’ve had no sex at all for the past two years.

Before Dr. Berman arrives at their house, Linda says that she is feeling a little nervous. Doug wants to make sure that they get something out of it. Linda is 39 and has been married for nine years to Doug and they have three children. There’s a connection with her husband that is lost because they are not having sex and they want to change that. “The dynamic of our sex life changed after we got married just because more things started getting into our lives,” Doug says. Linda says. “I feel like we’re living two separate lives caring for our three boys,” she says. “It’s hard to see the man that I originally fell in love with.” They chat with Dr. Berman in their bedroom. It’s been 2 1/2 years since they had sex. Doug feels removed from his wife. 2 1/2 years ago they conceived their third child. “I want to feel that he’s attracted to me, that he’s excited to be with me,” Linda says. “I questioned whether I was still attracted to Doug.” Doug says he’s questioned whether his wife is still attractive “It’s like she’s so worn down she’s just trying to get through the day,” he says. Linda is very concerned about the future. Dr. Berman says that they sit next to each other but it is almost like there is this invisible wall between them. They don’t touch, there is no physical connection happening. “If this doesn’t get fixed, I think our marriage is at stake” says Dug.

Oprah asks how the weeks turned into months turned into 2 1/2 years without sex? Doug says that you alllow yourself to focus on how busy you are and the kids and you stop talking and get separated from each other. You almost kind of lose track of how you did it,” Doug says. “Before it was so natural, so easy. We really wanted the connection.” Oprah asks if it was spoken of- yes, says Doug but it was an angry conversation. “When it was spoken of, it wasn’t productive at all,” she says. Dr. Berman says that there was a lot of blame and anger and they were both pointing fingers at each other. “When we spent time together, it was a lot of those logistics: ‘Who’s doing what? What do we have to get done?’ You know, kind of domestic stuff,” Doug says. Linda says that they ended up getting used to it.

Dr. Berman asks Doug how things work physically. He says that things still work but that Linda seems a little disinterested. Things still work but not at the level they used to. He finds that Linda seems critical of the process which is hard to deal with. Dr. Berman asks Linda about her sexual history. Linda cries and says that she has never told anyone this, Linda told Dr. Berman she had once been forced to have sex against her will. “I could have put him in jail, if I had told someone,” she says. “I was essentially raped.” She didn’t want to tell anyone that she was kissing someone and that this happened. She says that it feels incredible to tell someone. Linda says she’s never told Doug about her sexual past. “With Doug, it is just something I don’t want to do that often.”

Dr. Berman says that the rape and subsequent secret keeping was a big piece of what caused Linda to shut down and Doug had no idea what was going on. Rape changes a person’s relationship with sex, Dr. Berman says. “Your power is taken away, and it’s a major sexual trauma. So not to have told anyone, not to have had a chance to work through it in therapy, not to have had a chance to heal and be carrying that secret around, the weight of that secret—when she knows that that was part of what was making her hold back—that was part of what was helping her shut down.” When Linda finally told Doug about the rape, he says he had mixed emotions. “I was angry and empathetic at the same time. I was kind of back on my heels and wanting to be there and not sure what to do.”

Their first assignment from Dr. Berman was simply to touch each other. “They had to get naked. They had to spend like 10 to 15 minutes, each of them on the other. No genital touching. No breast touching. Not about arousal. Just about sensuality and touch,” Dr. Berman says. OK says Oprah, how did that work? Doug says “It was great because of the connection, but then our conversation at the same time, you know? It wasn’t about anything outside the bedroom. It was just us talking,” he says. Linda says that it was so nice to focus on each other and their relationship.

The couple’s second assignment was a step out of your comfort zone field trip to Tantric yoga. They are going to learn how to non-verbally support each other and learn techniques for getting on the same page. The only thing Doug knows about Tantric yoga is that it is supposed to be erotic. The Yogic version of having sex, the tantric yoga exercise was supposed to help Linda and Dough reconnect with themselves and each other. The instructor wants them to relax as they both carry alot of tension in their bodies. Ideally they will be able to see each other in the now and forget their bagage. They realize that their bodies have tension and tightness they carry with them daily. They let out a yell of all the last ten years’ tension. The yoga was awesome, they say. For their third assignment, Dr. Berman sent Doug and Linda to the Pump It Up Kids Zone. “The idea is to kind of bring you here to a place where we can let your silly side out a little bit and have some fun together,” Dr. Berman says. When you try something new and adventurous, it triggers the dopamine centers of the brain which is the part that lights up when you are in a new relationship in that initial stage when you cant get enough of each other. One way to stimulate that is to do novel exciting things together. “It was kind of neat to have a giggle,” Doug says. It made them feel connected to have a good time without the kids says Linda. The last field trip is to the G boutique, a sex shop filled with outfits, devices and aides for their sex life. Dr Berman tells them not to get too overwhelmed. They found it great fun to step out of their comfort zone, it was Doug’s favorite field trip.

Linda and Doug’s final exam: to have sex. “It took a little longer than we thought just because after those three intense days, we got into a pretty heated argument that evening,” Doug says. “I think some of the stress and stuff were hitting us, and we really had to reflect upon what Dr. Berman had told us about communication, how to talk. And, I think we got back to a good point when we went to bed, but we still hadn’t had sex yet.”

The next morning, Doug says he and Linda started cuddling and connecting. “Linda kind of jokingly said, ‘We really need to do our homework,’ and it was really inviting and connected, and so we did our homework, and it was great fun. It reminded me how that used to be with her, more than five, ten years ago. It was fantastic.” Dr. Berman says that as soon as she gives a couple permission to have sex they sabotage it- in this case with an argument. But what she thought was so cool was that therapy together gave them the tools to communicate and get through to the other side to feel closer to each other. Arguing is not bad, but you must use it as a tool in your relationship. Oprah says that after 2 1/2 years without sex, does doing it once give them a 6 month pass or do you re-engage. Doug says they are scheduling for it so they don’t fall back into old patterns. “I really found that knowing that it was scheduled, I was really looking forward to it.” Dr. Berman says that they have to schedule time for each other and time for sex because they have crazy schedules and have not been committed to each other in this way. Oprah asks if scheduling sex takes the romantic spontaneity out of it, but Dr. Berman says it’s necessary. “It’s a mind shift that you have to make because our instinct, our belief and the way we’ve been socialized, is that sex is supposed to happen spontaneously,” she says. “But in most of our lives, our crazy, busy, kid-ridden, mortgage-ridden lives, if you wait for it to happen spontaneously, it’s not going to ever happen.” If you can embrace the scheduling and get excited for it, then foreplay can start in the morning on those days. Oprah says that foreplay starts with men helping around the house, that is the most fantastic foreplay. The crowd applaud. “Put your dishes in the sink, play one,” says Oprah. Thanks for being so open lInda and Doug

Dr. Laura Berman’s new book “The Book of Love” is in stores now. Oprah points out Dr. Berman’s husband and says that she has heard that they have a great sex life. Dr. Berman says that she thinks that they do, she works hard on it, but that her husband sometimes says that she should practice what she preaches more on the relationship stuff. Her husband says that he is the luckiest man in America. Dr. Berman says that is why they have such a great sex life. Oprah says that she thinks that there must be alot of pressure to have a good sex life if you are Dr. Laura Berman. While they are here, Oprah wants to ask if they have taken the No Phone Zone Pledge? Dr. Berman says that she was hesitating because she doesn’t text but she does use her Bluetooth in the car. She is going to take the leap but it requires her to make some lifestyle changes. That’s what it is all about, lifestyle changes, says Oprah. Go to Oprah.com and take the pledge. Goodbye everybody.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Problems in the bedroom always have a source somewhere else.

Parents are the model of what a loving, intimate relationship is to their children.

A wall is just a wall, a kiss is just a kiss; leave your baggage and see each other in the now.

The New York Times reported that married couples have sex 58 times a year.

To stimulate the dopamine centers of the brain which light up when you are in a new relationship and cant get enough of each other, do novel exciting things together.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

In our crazy, busy, kid-ridden, mortgage-ridden lives, if you wait for sex to happen spontaneously, it’s often not going to ever happen.

another one year projectThis year we follow the words of Oprah Winfrey

Archive for April, 2010