Every time a new episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show airs in 2010, we will blog along with it. If you have plenty of time, read the long version. If you are pressed for time, read the “What we learned today” summary. If you are really, really pressed for time, read the Twitter-sized summary.

Archive for category Family

Date: May 17th, 2010
File Under: Celebrity, Entertainment, Family
76 comments

Episode 77: Will Smith, Jada Pinkett-Smith and the Whole Family

So Will Smith, Jada Pinkett-Smith and their entire family and friends are in the house, says Oprah. They are a power couple raising a most talented family. He is known as Mr July for raking in a gazillion dollars every year with his summer blockbusters. Jada and Will come on stage, dressed in the same shades of cream as Oprah- they all coordinate. They hug and the crowd go wild. Oprah asks if the Smith family, known as the first family of Hollywood, had a master plan to be so successful. Will says yes, Jada says no. Oprah laughs. Oprah says she has heard they have a marriage business plan, which they could write a book about. Will says if you don’t have a goal or purpose for your relationship, or anything, you can get lost in the murk of the journey. So as an answer to why two spirits are together, there is so much more that you have to be dedicated to than just cooking etc. They had to figure out their vision as they each had their own ideas- just do what she said says Will. Everyone laughs. Jada says that seeing how the children were growing, they wanted to make a family business to incorporate all the talent. They wanted to make a place where all their family and extended family dreams could come true. The whole family are here, plus Will’s ex-wife and her husband. Oprah asks if they made a conscious decision to all get along. Jada says that she and Cheri had to make that decision because they had Trey, the son. They had to put aside their own baggage and sort it out. Cheri said that they had their chance and now it is about the kids. Oprah asks if she could tell the ex-wives of America that? They all agree that it is not the time to be selfish, but to move on and create the best possible scenario for the children. Jada reinforces the thought that the children are their future.

They also have regular family meetings. Will says that the problem with letting your kids talk… the first generation making a path in the world is strictly about survival (parenting with “because I said so”) which is when you loose the humanity and purpose in your life. And why you had children, says Oprah. They all laugh. Will wants his kids- Trey with his football, Willow with her singing and Jaden with his acting, he wants them all to live in service to greatness. To live and create in a way that is inspiring to people, so that people want to be better by being close to their excellence. The kids have to define their own vision. In order to reach that excellence, you have to find that drive within yourself.

Oprah says that Jada looks fantastic, Jada says look who she is married to. At home Jada says she wears track pants because she is so busy. But she says that she makes sure Will gets his treats. They laugh.

Oprah says that she asks this often of her guests, as everyone wants to have a better life than their parents: How do you raise solid grounded kids when they have access to everything? Will says that he tells the kids all the time that their mommy and daddy are rich, but that the kids are broke. They don’t allow their kids to sit around. They talk about the concept of the group- and the necessity of adding something good to the family, then the neighborhood, then humanity. Jada says that they have to have purpose, that gives them self-esteem and that grounds them. Oprah asks if they talk about the purpose of the movie beyond getting the role? Will says that they talk about the idea of illustrating some aspect of the human spirit- the purpose of your art is to advance and elevate humanity.

Oprah asks how they keep their marriage alive, what are the treats that Jada does. Jada says that she always surprises Will, because he is such a thinker, always thinking. Like maybe she sends a sexy photo to remind him what is waiting for him at home. Will says hi to his mom in the audience. Everyone laughs. Jada says that everyone would be surprised at how sensitive Will is, that he has a wonderful, generous heart, how he loves people. Will kisses Jada. Oprah say that she read that Will feels he is still searching for his place in the world as he gets older. Will explains that he was introduced to a Baptist Church in West Philly as a child, and that serving higher goals was very important. He feels that all the blessings that he has had in his life- his wife and family- there is no way that God intended that to happen by accident. The crowd cheer and Oprah says that she gets that, she so gets that. That is how Oprah leads her life too. She prays to be used in service to a calling greater than her own. Will feels that he is energized every day by the possibilities, and now he is almost 43 (Oprah asks if he has turned 20 yet, as he doesn’t seem to age) and he feels that the possibilities of what they can do as a family are enormous. He said his grandmother was always smiling and when he asked her why, she said that she knew what she was going to do- she was going to make everything that she touched better. Oprah thanks him for sharing that.

In the Smith household, 17 year old Trey is a Varsity star football player, 9 year old Willow is a singer, actress and fashionista, like her mom, and 11 year old Jaden has grown up in front of our eyes. He acted alongside his Dad in The Pursuit of Happiness and now he is the star of his own movie, The Karate Kid, produced by Will and Jada. They packed up the whole family and moved to China for 4 months. Come on out, says Oprah. The kids come out and the crowd roar. Oprah hugs them and welcomes them. She meets Trey for the first time. Trey says that he is working on producing music now- he didn’t get the acting bug, he has no interest for now. Oprah asks him the best advice he has received from his parents- his mom told him to speak up when he has something to say. His Dad and him are reading Rich Dad, Poor Dad. Will says that he still has a poor person mentality- he says that he is as financially nervous as he was when they were struggling. Oprah is surprised but she says that she gets it about spending. Who knows what a million dollars can do? She knows what $29.99 can do. Exactly, Jada and Will say. Will wants his kids to have a financial comprehension, to not be slaves to working and money. Oprah asks Jaden if his parents are cool – Jayden says that his parents embarrass him all the time – his dad will just pull his pants down at school. Oprah plays the music video Will made when he was 19. Oprah asks what he knows now that he wished he knew then. He says that parents don’t have to understand because they are in charge. The things parents understand are so difficult because they can’t be explained. He says that allowing kids to see you at work shows them you in your best light, dealing with stress and working with people.

Oprah asks WIllow if she talked to her mom or dad about her new haircut. Willow says her mom is always the one coming up with suggestions. Jada says that it is great that Willow’s beauty doesn’t depend on her hair, she told Jada that she just wanted to be free. Jada told her let’s just piecemeal it, let’s do one side at a time.

To prepare for his role in The Karate Kid, Jaden trained 3 hours a day for 4 months. The remake was made entirely in China. Jaden plays an American boy who has a hard time adjusting to his new life. He gets a crash course in Kung Fu from Jackie Chan, a maintenance man, to stop the bullies. It opens on June 11th, Oprah says that Jaden is great in it, she could feel the tension of being bullied so well. Will says that 4 years ago after The Pursuit of Happiness, Jaden wanted to move forward and The Karate Kid was one of Will’s favorites as a child. They wanted to remake a classic David and Goliath story. Oprah asks Jaden if he was ripped before the movie? Jaden says yes, smaller but ripped. He and Willow have been taking karate since they were three. 3 months into training, he could do the splits in the air. Oprah asks if he’s been bullied before, he says that he hasn’t but he could feel it and understand it and be it. The crowd applaud. He had his first on-screen kiss- he says that he is good at kissing so it wasn’t as challenging as it could have been. This is why you need old-school parenting, says Will. I’m going to leave it there, says Oprah.

Someone in the audience asks what punishment is in their house- Will says that they don’t believe in punishment, but that there are consequences to your actions. The kids can have as much freedom as they can handle, but if something happens then they need to be restricted to protect themselves from potential damage, not punishing them for what they did. That’s good parenting, says Oprah.

They play a home video from China narrated by Will. Will and Jada had two jobs in China- they produced the movie and were also the parents of the star. About 6 weeks into shooting, Jaden hurt his knee and Will had to give his son a pep talk to keep working despite the pain. They also relaxed and had some fun. They filmed in many exotic locations and saw the best of China- the Forbidden City, the Golden Summit. Legend has it that those who hang a lock at the Golden Summit will have their spirits joined together for eternity. They hang their locks- Daddy and Jayden on one and Mommy and Jayden engraved on the other and hug. Trey could not go on the trip as he is a high school football star- Will flew back every weekend to see Trey play. That is amazing says Oprah, it brought tears to her eyes the first time she heard it.

Jada says that to work so closely together with Will was intense and she thinks they got over some huge hurdles. They are different creatures and they create in very different ways. They realized their strengths and weaknesses and found out when to fall back. Will says that in his mind he was teaching his son to hunt- Jada says that as a mother this is an excruciating thing to watch- the mothering instinct kicks in hard. Jada says that it was a ferocious fight because the in China the laws allow the kids to work long hours, too hard. He is 11, there had to be a balance. Jada says that he is a different child now, he walks with confidence  because he has achieved something himself. Greatness is on the edge of destruction, says Will. You were almost over, it was almost it, when the Phoenix rises from the ashes. Yes, but do you have to almost die each time? asks Oprah. Jada agrees emphatically. Will says that 11 is when you learn it, you can’t do it at 22. Jaden learns that he can’t be broken: he is unbreakable. Jada and Will say that they have been having this passionate debate. Oprah says that she gets it.

Oprah says that Will’s movie Seven Pounds is about a man who kills seven people when texting and driving. Will and Jada have agreed to sign the pledge. Oprah thanks them. Oprah thought that the movie would get people to think about it in a different way. Oprah thanks them all. Will says that they have something for her from the Smith Family. It is a white shirt with a sparkly Karate Kid on it and Oprah’s logo. Oprah says that it is great and thanks them all again.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

If you don’t have a goal or purpose for your relationship, or anything, you can get lost in the murk of the journey.

Will Smith wants his family to live and create in a way that is inspiring to people, so that people want to be better by being close to their excellence.

The kids have to define their own vision, in order to reach that excellence, you have to find that drive within yourself.

Will Smith teaches his kids about the concept of the group- and the necessity of adding to the family, then the neighborhood, then humanity.

Oprah says who knows what a million dollars can do? She knows what $29.99 can do.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Will Smith and family  believe in greatness and achieving dreams through hard work, excellence and a roadmap to success.

Date: April 29th, 2010
File Under: Celebrity, Family

Episode 58: The Controversial Octuplet Mom Nadya Suleman

Today Oprah’s cameras go inside a fascinating life. A controversial mom that we have all heard of, she has made media headlines. Recently she sent Oprah a letter saying “Thus far, the media has depicted a completely false picture of who I am. The trial I’ve been put through has forced me to see my true self—something I have avoided most of my life. I have been compelled to dig deep inside and pull out strengths I never knew I possessed in order to protect my family. I am not a victim. I do not blame anyone for the circumstances of my life.” Signed sincerely, Nadya Suleman, otherwise known as Octomom. Before the octuplets, Nadia already had six children, the octuplets are now 14 months old. Think about that mothers, says Oprah, you’ve all been through it with one or two…

Oprah says she had never spoken with Nadya before that letter. To be honest, she says, “I had reservations about putting myself in this whole media swirl that seems to always surround her. But I reconsidered after reading this letter from her. And she says she wants the world to see her for who she really is.” Nadya gave the Oprah Show full access to her life for 24 hours. She invited Oprah to stay but Oprah declined and said she would send the crew. The audience laugh. Oprah says she’ll see it on tape and get a feel for what it is like, take a look.

At 5am the babies and two of the others start to wake up. Nadya has three nannies who work shifts during the day and she has no help at night. Nadya’s oldest, Elijah, is 8 years old. Next are 7-year-old Amerah, 6-year-old Joshua and 5-year-old Aiden, who has autism. Twins Caleb and Calyssa are 3, and the octuplets—Noah, Maliyah, Isaiah, Nariyah, Makai, Josiah, Jeremiah and Jonah—are 14 months old. She makes french toast, she says that the kids eat a crazy amount of food, and they eat 4 times a day. She spends around $1000 on groceries a week. She goes through about 35 loaves of bread, 21 dozen eggs and 20 gallons of milk in a typical week. She says she had childish desires to have a big family, but this is a huge family. When she had 6 kids she was in the swing of things on her way to getting her masters. She has a huge amount of energy and she says she took advantage of all her excess energy. She doesn’t have her own bed, 4 or 5 kids sleep in her bed. She does constant head counts. Her life is her children, they are the most important part of her life. At 9.30am she can’t find Caleb- he’s in the playroom. Shortly after lunch the ear infection flares up in Jonah. As it is a Sunday, he needs to go to ER. With one car and 14 children she needed to find a friend to take Jonah to the hospital.

Oprah says that a friend did take Jonah to the hospital. 14 human beings are dependent on Nadya. We pick up her day at bathtime. Every other day they get a bubble bath. Once they are all in their pajamas it’s time for dinner, Jonah comes back from the hospital with new medicine. At 5.30 it’s time for the younger kids to go to bed, but they are not all ready. Nadya reads to them, At 7.45 it is dinner and bedtime for the older kids. Jonah is crying- if she knows that they are ok and she is busy she has to let them cry. She doesn’t know that the twins are out of bed. After the kids are all in bed, she says that she is really craving a shower. She hopes that she can somehow get 3 hours sleep tonight. At 2am Jonah is screaming with his ear infection. Nadya ends up spending the entire night in the nursery and gets no sleep. At 6.30am she calls for help as the nannies have not shown up for work. Calyssa steps on her brother and gets a time out. The producer asks if she is afraid that someone else will quit, Nadya gets very defensive saying that she has fired anyone who no longer works for her. The older kids have to go to school. The producer asks if any of the schedules are written down. Nadya says that it changes all the time; as soon as she’d write it down it changes, then people say that she’s contradicting herself. Try and live my life for a day without contradicting yourself she says.

Wow, says Oprah.

Nadya says “I’m not a celebrity. I’m a pseudo-celebrity catapulted into this big media mess. Did I want it? No. Was I in denial thinking that it wouldn’t happen? Yes.” She had no idea that helicopters would swarm over the hospital when the octuplets were born. To Nadya, Octomom is nothing but a fictional character. At first she thought it was hilarious. But now, it is all the media perpetuating this. It’s a money sucking cycle. They said that she had plastic surgery and she never has had it in her life. In the beginning they said that she was all bad, all crazy. They said that she wanted to be like “this Jolie actor” and she heard of the name but she had no idea who that was. “I’ve done things in the media I was not only not proud of, I was ashamed of,” she says. She’ll do something to provide for the kids, like the photoshoot in January was $100,000. They have another month of that money and then they have nothing left. “Basically If I were to secure something in the media, I could in 20 minutes make what I could make in two months working 9 to 5 and being away all the time. It’s unrealistic. It’s a double-edged sword.”

Nadya walks a fine line between keeping the public interested in her so that she can sell her Octomom image, and feeling that she has zero privacy. Taking the kids to the park and being stalked by the paparazzi, she feels like a carnival attraction, This is why they don’t really go the park anymore, she says that it is invasive and disgusting. They go home to the swing at the house. Nadya complains that it is ridiculous and exploitative and invasive. “That’s exactly what Octomom is: a carnival attraction,” she says.

Nadya joins Oprah by satellite from California. “I want you all to know we did not pay Nadya a dime for this interview, neither have we ever paid in 25 years,” Oprah says. “I don’t believe in that.” The paparazzi turned those photos at the park into their own headline- “…Octomom shoots her own reality show.” Oprah  thanks Nadya for writing to her and Nadya thanks Oprah for giving her the opportunity to get her real voice heard. Oprah says “I thought that was really insightful of you to say that you were a carnival attraction, but do you feel that you have contributed to that?” Nadya says yes. Absolutely.

Oprah says “Because when I saw that, like everybody else, I saw that cover of you on Star with my new bikini body, and I tell you, the first thing I thought was, “Why are you doing that?”” “Right. Right. I need to tell you why,” says Nadya. “14 hungry mouths. Then a 15th here. And it is my responsibility. I own full responsibility for providing for my children. A parent must provide for their kids, not the other way around. I will never—from the beginning I’ve always been consistent with this—I would never do a reality show. That has been a lie from the very beginning. And I must provide for my children. Deep down, I was ashamed of that. That is not my character. I am shy. I always have shied away from cameras. But I feel as though I needed to do something. And in doing so, I was able to provide for my kids. We have some of that money still left until I figure another way to make ends meet.”

Oprah asks “so you made $100,000 from that?” Yes. I did, Nadya replies. Oprah heard Nadya was offered an opportunity to do a porn film too. Nadya says “Again, another outlet trying to steal a piece of the situation. I feel as though exploiting me, disrespecting me, that, in turn, disrespects and exploits my children. I personally perceive that to be a publicity stunt. I mean, they have started from the very beginning. Right after I had the babies they were offering that. Really? I mean, I would obviously need the money if I did something like that to move my family to a deserted island far, far, far away from civilization. That is completely unfathomable, obviously.” Oprah wants to clarify, “Let’s just be clear about this. So you were offered money to do a porn film, and you have turned them down.” Nadya says “They have offered this probably three weeks subsequent to the birth of the babies. Maybe at least three times. And I feel as though it’s completely, utterly disrespectful to a mother, to anyone who is just trying to survive. I was just catapulted, again, as I mentioned, into this unfamiliar life as a carnival attraction. I never imagined it would end up being like this.” Oprah says “Nadya, tell me this: Do you think that you could ever be in the situation where you have 14 hungry mouths to feed and you’d ever have to resort to doing a porn film? Would you do that if you had to feed your children?” Nadya says “If they offered $100 million I would never, never, never resort to something like that. It stems now to boundaries. I’m teaching my children to have healthy boundaries, and there are ways. There are other ways that are much more obviously more respectable.”

Oprah says “So let’s go back to before the octuplets were born…” Most of Oprah’s audience have children, and the most is 9 children. 9 is a lot, 4 is a lot, 2 is a lot and 1 is a lot, to do it really well. “You didn’t think six was enough?” Nadya replies, “I believe going back, reflecting back, I feel as though I was so caught up with my own childish desires to compensate. There’s an amalgamation of factors contributing to why. I didn’t do one or choose one thing for one particular reason. There were so many reasons. And perhaps selfishness—perhaps trying to compensate for being an only child, trying to fill some missing piece inside. And I maybe wrongfully looked outside of myself when I should have been filling that in from within.”

Oprah says “That’s a very insightful thing to say. So do you think now, looking back, that you were perhaps using children to fill the void or space for something else that was missing that an adult or a real relationship with someone else could have or should have filled?” Nadya says, “Yes. Absolutely. I believe that perhaps, looking back, I’ve always coveted that connection, that attachment to another being. And the connection felt safer with children than with a significant other, more predictable. The security—I was hungering for the security.” Oprah asks “Now would you say that you’ve sort of crowded yourself out of that? Now you don’t even have time to develop a relationship because now, it looks like from the film that I’ve seen, that you’re just trying to keep up. You’re just trying to keep your head above water.” Nadya says “Absolutely. I’m trying to stay afloat and holding my children in that raft with me. We’re still in the midst of survival. We’re surviving. We’re so busy going, going, going, moving, moving, moving, trying to keep up that you don’t have time to think, to reflect, to feel anything. And it is a choice. I own all of the responsibility for my poor choices in the past. Do I regret? You can’t regret children. But the choices were childish. They were immature. They were selfish. Are we defined by our choices? Our behavior? Our actions? No. I don’t believe that defines our worth. Oprah says “I don’t believe it defines our worth; but when you’ve got 14 children, it’s pretty defining, wouldn’t you say?” Nadya replies “I do believe you’re right. Absolutely. I feel as though I wasn’t thinking at that time. If I could go back, would I make different choices? Maybe. At this point, I know and I need to teach my children that we need to learn, we need to grow, we need to keep on growing and transcending, and we need to make the best possible choices. And when we make poor choices, all you can do is really, really learn from that and grow from that. Try not to repeat it.”

Oprah says “Now I had heard something. I didn’t see you on The View, but I heard that you said on The View that if you met somebody and they wanted to have children that having another child is not out of the realm of possibility for you. Is that true?” Nadya replies, “You know what? At this point in my life, that is the furthest thing that I would ever even imagine. I cannot grow additional eyes or hands. I’m not an octopus. I can barely give them—nobody could, not two people, not four people even could give them—all the emotional, psychological and physical needs. You can’t possibly. I live every single day, every hour of the day with a tremendous amount of guilt. And I feel guilty when I hold the one or two and then that I can’t be there for the others. And they’re crying. And then I feel guilty. Look at the older ones. They all have different unique needs. And I’ll live with this forever. But all I can do now is keep on going, keep moving. Keep on trying to be the most devoted mother I can be. I was…no. That was a conversational thing, and I was thinking, “Oh, one thing in life is uncertainty is certain.” I can’t say five years from now something won’t be different or that something like that won’t happen. Right now, at this moment? Absolutely not. That’s the farthest thing from my mind. I couldn’t even waste my energy thinking about something like that. Oprah says that the world would want to see the man willing to take on 14 children and ask for number 15. Nadya laughs. They go to commercial break and Oprah asks the audience where is that man. They laugh.

On January 16th 2009, Nadya made global headlines when she gave birth to the only surviving octuplets in the world. She was a 33 year old single mom already raising 6 young children. Nadya allowed the cameras in for the first time to show what her life is really like. She says that it’s sort of a relief when they go to bed but then she starts the next shift with the older kids. The oldest have to do the homework, then go to bed, then Nadya takes a shower and goes to bed. The producer asks what time she goes to bed. Nadya says that it depends, sometimes 2 or 4am, depending on how exhausted she is. She is trying her best, she does what she can.

Oprah says to Nadya “As we were watching that tape, just taking a 24-hour look at your life, it’s very clear that you, like a lot of mothers who have far fewer children, don’t have enough time to really look after yourself. So if you’re up all night long looking after your kids, pretty soon it takes a toll and you’re running on empty. If you’re on empty then you don’t have anything left for the children. And that’s for every mother out there, it’s the hardest job on earth. How are you surviving? Nadya says “Breathing, Oprah. Taking deep breaths throughout the day and staying connected to my kids. And you know what? Mothers have to understand, and this is really hard for me.” Oprah interrupts to say that Nadya hasn’t had any sleep. Nadya continues. “That is when I am thankful for help. I thank you, friends. I thank you, whoever is altruistic enough to help me and my nannies, for allowing me that opportunity to get some sleep, and then I recharge. And healthy lifestyle—I cannot reinforce that enough. I am obsessed with healthy eating, and then I even think the crew saw me constantly chasing the kids to eat healthy food. Fruit, vegetables…”

Oprah interrupts to say that she doesn’t know what Nadya was spooning out of the can for dinner though. Nadya said that she was embarrassed that the crew were there to see that but she has to accommodate all the groups of children and their wishes.

Oprah asks so how are the children? We saw Elijah who didn’t want to go to school and the three year old stepping on one of the babies. Nadya says “They have their own needs. Elijah is 14 kids all in one, in my opinion. And the eight babies, actually they’re very, very, very easy babies. They are all incredibly healthy. And I have to tell you: I wouldn’t be even thinking about anything other than it—the one child, let’s say—if there were a problem. I am thanking God every day for their health. The twins, they need attention and I’m trying my best to give them their own special time every day. Aiden has autism. He is doing amazing. He’s five. Now he’s saying a couple words and he’s waving bye, and he just did that for the first time a week ago.”

Oprah asks if she feels that she can give her children what they need and deserve? Nadya says “Absolutely not. No parent can. I live in guilt. And no parent could ever even imagine giving six children all of what they need emotionally, psychologically, physically. Again, you cannot. No couple could.” Right, says Oprah.

They show footage from Nadya’s day where she says that it is not easy but life is not supposed to be easy. Being sad or crying is human, and she will do it when she is alone and safe. She is her children’s rock.

Oprah asks, and says that this is a hard question, “Have you ever thought of putting a child, two children, some children in foster care or giving up some of the children for adoption so that they could be better cared for and you maintain some kind of relationship with them, obviously as their mother, but creating an environment where they would have, say, multiple parents so that the children could get more of what they needed? Have you ever really considered that?” Nadya says “No. I will do anything in my power to secure what I need to, on my own, without exploiting my children, to secure revenue so I can provide that. There are a couple nannies that are very, very close to them, and they’re very, very good friends. And I will do everything, everything as a mother to avoid that at all costs. Even Aiden. A family member, it broke my heart when a family member, I’m not going to disclose who, years ago said: ‘How are you going to handle Aiden? In a few years you should put him in a hospital.’ I would die before I ever—”

Oprah interrupts to ask “So you would never consider giving up any of your children?” Nadya says “I know that may sound selfish, but I breathe for my children. I wake up for my children. I will do anything to secure the revenue on my own to provide for these kids.” Oprah asks how is she taking care of 14 children, paying a mortgage and taking care of the three day nannies and being up all night? Oprah says that she would take a day nanny and use her at night. Nadya says “Not on government help. That has been one of the most erroneous beliefs out there. From the very beginning, I canceled food stamps. I was receiving food stamps with the six children for one year. Once I found out it was affiliated to welfare—and I was oblivious, I guess, at that time—I terminated them… We were on private insurance, and we went on MediCal. Then we went off of MediCal  back to private because I do not want to be a burden on anybody. This is my choice. It is my responsibility to take care of them. So I have been ashamed of myself for going through certain, let’s say, media outlets to provide for my children. And it has helped. It has helped significantly.

Oprah interrupts and asks if the only way she can take care of her children is to make money through the media? Nadya says “Unfortunately. And I have never ever had a history of even wanting or been interested in the entertainment industry prior to having children. That’s another erroneous misconception. I have never been interested in this industry. I would never do a reality series, anything associated to that, because that robs them of their childhood. And I think it’s borderline abusive.” You do, asks Oprah Yes, I do. Absolutely, says Nadya. Oprah asks “Would you consider it? Maybe you will have to at some point to feed them.” Nadya says “I feel there must be, Oprah, there must be some other way. I feel I may be decently intelligent. I know I want to delve into something in regard to education. Maybe using my voice to make, I don’t know, some kind of difference in younger people’s lives. There will always be an opportunity in an appropriate, respectable manner, not ever resorting to exploiting children. These are innocent lives, and they did not ask to be born. I brought them into this world, and it is my responsibility to take care of them. But I must provide for them. I’ve always felt that way.”

Oprah asks will she ever name the children’s father? Nadya says “It is not my place, and that would be completely disrespectful of me. He and I may have unresolved issues, but what does that have to do with exploiting him? I respect his life. I’m loyal to him. That is not even something I would even fathom to do.”

Oprah asks Nadya “What do you think is the biggest misconception about who you are?” “Everything. Everything. Everything. From the moment I woke up, I have been placed into this unfamiliar life, foreign and foreboding, not familiar. This fictional character, Octomom, completely is the antithesis of who I am as a person and who I represent. And I know by strangers telling me who they think I am has allowed me to really see who I know I am and who I always believed myself to be,” says Nadya. Oprah asks “What do strangers tell you you are? What do they tell you?” Nadya says “Octomom. Seeking fame. Having eight babies to be famous. I did not know even one would grow, let alone twins, let alone triplets. My goodness, who could imagine having a litter? I don’t think cats have that many at the same time. I never ever could have conceptualized something like this happening based upon an immature, selfish choice that I made. Who’s gonna suffer? The children. Am I gonna exacerbate that and put them out in the media like they say I’m doing or am going to do? Absolutely not. I’ve been consistent in saying, no, I will never do a reality show. I was embarrassed to do the bikini shoot in January. That is not who I am. That is not my character. And I needed to make money to put food in my children’s mouths. It is you, Oprah, I thank you for allowing me to finally speak the truth because thus far the media has been feeding people erroneous rumors and lies because sensationalism sells. The truth is boring.”

Oprah says that the truth is, Nadya has a lot of work on her hands. Nadya agrees, a tremendous amount of work.  Oprah says that all the babies now are 14 months. “You’ve got months, Nadya, before they’re all 2.” Nadya says “Oh, boy. But remember, Oprah, as they get older, it’s more challenging. For me, my 8-year-old in and of himself is more challenging than all the babies combined. He has his own unique needs and he is very demanding, and I try so hard to get to his level and go into his world and try my best to meet his needs. Does that happen? No. Not always. But I try.”

Oprah says “Here’s a big question for you: Have you dated since the octuplets?” Nadya says “No. No. Absolutely not. I have many, many reasons why. First and foremost, I mean, I already feel guilty as it is. I’m spreading myself too thin as it is. How could I even fathom taking or stealing an ounce of energy away from them and giving it to a stranger? And then how selfish would that be for that man? I couldn’t devote any time to that person. Things change when kids get older. That’s different. But as of now, I mean all of my energy I am sublimating into raising these children as well as I possibly can.”

Oprah says that she heard that her home is going into foreclosure. Is that true? Nadya says “It is not at the moment. I have been consistent in paying the mortgage. And I’m considering, because the mortgage is high, I must secure some type of revenue to continue paying it. Within a month, I have a friend who’s offering to loan me some money until I get a little bit more secure in regard to it.”

Oprah asks has this experience shown her who her real friends are? Nadya says “Absolutely. That’s a fascinating question. Unfortunately, in the beginning, acquaintances were flocking to the center like starving geese. They liked the limelight. I did not. I was shying my best away from all of it and trying my best to protect my kids. But I have many trust issues that I need to work on throughout the day every day and for the rest of my life because I do not want to project that onto my children.” Oprah says “So you’re telling us you don’t like all the attention.”Nadya replies “No, I do not. My children don’t either. And they act out, especially my older ones. They will act out. And they sometimes do not have the words to convey: ‘Mom, we don’t want this. We don’t want these cameras.’ So they will act out. That is sending me a message: Keep them away; protect them.”

Oprah says that “You told me in your letter that you’d done a lot of self-analysis. We all mistakes.. What have you learned about yourself in this process?” As a second part to that question, if she had it to do over would she implant the 8? Nadya says that they transferred 6 embryos based on her reproductive history, they didn’t do anything different. But if she knew then what she knows now, then she may have had them transfer in far fewer. “I never wanted more than six or seven children, total, not double that.” She was receiving bills saying that her embryos in storage could be disposed of and she couldn’t conceive of that. She thought that her kids were doing well and she had lots of energy so why not transfer in the rest of the embryos and who knows, one might grow?

Oprah asks what Nadya has learned about herself in this process. “What I’ve learned about myself is so much. Sometimes just when I feel so stressed out I will just journal—2 in the morning, 5 in the morning. I’ll journal. And I have learned that this experience has, and I think most mothers can agree, when you’re faced with extraordinary stressors, you are compelled to tap inside yourself, deep inside, and look at yourself. Face what you maybe have not wanted to face for most of your life. Maybe you’re learning you have extreme extraordinary strengths, resources that you never knew you possessed. How much I have learned? I have grown. I have grown up probably more in a year than in 34 and a half years of my life. And in that growth, I have learned how much more growing I really do have to do. I have learned that not one human being can possibly give to one child, two children, three, all of what they need. Not even to one child.”

Oprah says “Because obviously you didn’t get what you needed. Otherwise you wouldn’t be out seeking this.” Nadya says “Obviously. Exactly. Point being, I love that point you just made. How prevalent is it, and I am admitting, I absolutely looked outside myself to give me something I lacked from within. How prevalent is it? I think many, many people can relate. Not in regard to children, but how often do we look outside ourself and find something—success, achievement, a significant other—to give us affirmation we should be sending from within? Confirmation that we are okay—that needs to come from within.”

Oprah says “I just had an epiphany here. Other people have addictions. You were addicted to having children.” Right, says Nadya. “The connection perhaps that felt so safe with the kids. Kids won’t leave you. You can create this safe, predictable little society. I created this village, my own little safe, predictable, safe village.” You’ve got a village, says Oprah. Nadya laughs.

Oprah asks if there is one last thing that she feels is a misconception. “Everything that they have said so far about me and about my choice, wanting to do this on purpose, I would never have done this on purpose. I would never have wanted to seek out fame or use children for fame. If that were the truth, there would have been history of that. If that were the truth, I would have had a reality show by now. I am struggling. I am surviving. I am still staying afloat.” Oprah wishes her the best. She says that she has two new puppies and that is enough. Oprah says that she has said for years on this show that if you are a mother, a good one with one or two or however many, it is the biggest challenge in the world to do that right. Thank you Nadya, “God bless you and all your children.”

On April 30th it is National No Phone Zone Day. Spread the word, they want a national movement. Good bye everybody.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

14 kids is a lot of children to look after, it is twice the number that “Octomom” Nadya Suleman ever wanted.

Nadya needs the media to pay her so that she can afford to feed her kids, but she feels that they are preying on her situation.

Oprah’s two puppies are a handful.

Oprah has an epiphany, some people are addicted to drugs or alcohol, Nadya Suleman is addicted to children.

Nadya says that she is growing her own village.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Living in a house with 14 kids is not in any way peaceful, calm or restful.

Date: February 24th, 2010
File Under: Betrayal, Celebrity, Family, Marriage, Public Service Announcement, Relationships

Episode 34: Sex, Lies and Scandal

People across the country have been talking for weeks about the guy who took the fall for former senator John Edwards. He lied and said he was the father of John’s love child. Oprah has seen him on 20/20 and on a bunch of other shows, but she still has questions for him. Just in case you have been living under a rock, here’s a quick recap of his story.

Andrew Young was the right-hand man for John Edwards for more than a decade. He was next to the rising star through good times and bad. When tabloid stories broke suggesting that Edwards had fathered a love child with his mistress Rielle Hunter, Young did what most can’t fathom- the married father of three took the bullet for his boss and said the baby was his. In his new book The Politician, Andrew details how he helped his former boss carry on a two-year affair behind his wife’s back, while she battled cancer. It didn’t take long for the story to unravel- the lies, the cover up, and rumors of a sex-tape destroyed the career of the presidential hopeful.

Oprah welcomes Andrew Young  to the studio. Oprah doesn’t normally watch other people’s TV shows, but she was watching the 20/20 piece and yelling at the TV. She thought that Bob Woodruff did a great job, but she wanted Andrew to answer more fully if looking back on this he sees that this was stupid. He says its stupid, immoral, ridiculous. Andrew says that he is scared to death of public speaking so perhaps his emotions didn’t come across. Cheri, his most wonderful wife, and he have lived with this for several years and she stayed with him through all this. Oprah says that is what we really don’t understand. Andrew says John Edwards was more than just his boss. He and his wife had worked with the Edwards’ and become close personal friends. He had volunteered for his Senate campaign in ‘97 and ‘98. And when he first met them, they were the most inspiring people to work for. He loved them. Andrew says he and John grew closer as their friendship evolved and John became like a big brother. They went to basketball games. Oprah says that in the book Andrew says Edwards was like a father to him, and Andrew clarifies that Edwards reminded him of his father.

Andrew’s wife Cheri,  is a pediatric nurse. He says that 10 days after the Iowa caucasus, they had 12 hours before the National Enquirer would release photographs. Oprah backs up a little and says that Andrew had known of, and helped to cover up, the affair since 2006. The National Enquirer was going to reveal the discovery. Edwards called them at Petsmart when they were buying a turtle aquarium. He threw in what you’d expect—he said that the presidency is at stake. He talked off good versus evil, but the closing thing he said was, “Andrew, Elizabeth is about to die.” … He made them all believe that Elizabeth was going to die within a matter of weeks, it was imminenet. What he said was it would be a short term thing so that his wife didn’t die in disgrace, it wasn’t about the presidency. Andrew and Cheri had only 12 hours to make a decision. They made the wrong decision on so many different levels, but they truly believed in John Edwards. Andrew loved him like a big brother and  loved Elizabeth like a big sister. He asks, does that make it right? Absolutely not.

Oprah asks what part of him could make it ok to tell that lie, that’s what she really can’t understand after reading the book and watching the interviews. She finds it to be bigger than taking the fall for John Edwards, it was about deceiving all of America that would vote for him. Oprah asks if a part of Andrew asked if he thought that this was the most crazy thing ever when he got the call. Andrew says he was sitting in a minivan outside of Petsmart looking at Edwards on the cover of Newsweek and it makes the argument about how he could win the presidency,- it was like a surreal bubble that came around him. He knows it doesn’t make sense. There was a part of him that was always on call when John needed help, if he was in hot water. He has records of all the phone calls, after the story was released, within 24-48 hours derogatory things were being said about Andrew by Edwards and the campaign.

When Elizabeth heard of the affair, Edwards said that he slept with Rielle one time, but that Andrew was having an affair. Andrew says that didn’t make any sense as Rielle was traveling with him all the time and he was at home with his family in North Carolina. Elizabeth then became angry with Andrew, as she thought  he was immoral. But, he says, it was more than that, whenever she was suspicious of anything, he had become the one that she had come to blame things on. He was worried- the Edward camp had fired a lot of people. Elizabeth insisted that John fire Andrew,  but John kept him because he was the fall guy. Andrew says that he should have noticed that he was being blamed whenever something was going on. Oprah asks if there were other women and he says there were things that he should have noticed. In the book, which he wrote when his father was dying, he writes no holds barred, warts and all. He speaks of all the ridiculously stupid things that he did to his family, to his wife. He tried to tell the truth about what modern presidential politics are like and how cutthroat it is.

According to Young, Edwards began his affair with Rielle Hunter in 2006, 10 months before he began his campaign. In May 2007, Hunter became pregnant while the campaign was in full swing. Edwards then hatched a plan that Young would claim to be the father. In December the press snapped a photo of a visibly pregnant Hunter and speculated that Edwards was the father. Young released a statement saying that he is the father at Edwards’ request, and he and his family and Rielle Hunter went into hiding at high end homes and hotels bankrolled by two of Edwards supporters.

Oprah says he talks of the comparison of love and devotion for his father and for Edwards, but she is wondering at what point do you feel that you are selling your soul? His Dad was a minister and got Andrew involved in politics- he had an affair of his own that destroyed his career. Obviously Andrew went through a lot with a therapist. Oprah thought that this would mean that he would do the opposite for Edwards. Andrew says it doesn’t make sense, it was as if he was trying to put Humpty Dumpty back on the wall to save his family from what they had gone through. There was a part of him that didn’t want this to happen to Edwards.

Oprah says take politics out of it; If Edwards was just his friend, and was doing something stupid, wouldn’t you just say stop that? Andrew says that most of your friends aren’t some of the most charismatic, powerful people in the world who intimidate you. Edwards was his friend, but also his boss. Oprah asks if they thought that they’d get away with it. Andrew says that they did get away with it that no one in the mainstream press… Oprah interrupts to say that no one in the public believed the story so they didn’t get away with it. The crowd applaud. Andrew asks to finish his sentence- from December to July when he was caught, Edwards led all the polls.  Oprah says that the baby was down the road  when Obama was meeting with Edwards about possibly being the vice president. She says that they all knew this- did they think they’d get away with it? Young says that in Washington, there’s a sense that once someone becomes president they can get away with anything with the billionaire lawyers. They didn’t think it was right but they were so far in. Oprah says it makes her so angry that they would all take the risk that Edwards could become Vice president or Attorney General, it’s not right. Andrew says that they were cut off from their families and were scared to death. Andew says that when he first met the Edwards’, their son had just died. All the things that Edwards wanted to do for poverty and healthcare- Andrew just loved him. He agrees that this means nothing if he lies about the baby and the relationship- what else could he deceive us on? Young says it gets worse- Edwards asked him to steal a diaper so he could prove it wasn’t his child with a DNA test. He kept out of that one. They were also asked to find a doctor who would fake the DNA result, and Edwards offered to sign an affidavit with the National Enquirer to say that he hadn’t done any of this. Oprah says she heard them say that the presidency was at stake, and this is why they did it- why would they want this lying deceiving person to be president when they have his mistress in their house? In December they did believe in him, despite those faults. Oprah apologises that she won’t let him answer the question, she’s just so frustrated. She says sometimes you make a decision, and you’re in the mess, and the mess just gets messier and messier. He says it’s like a rabbit hole- he worked 16 hours a day, 7 days a week for 8-9 years, so after this he was home with his kids and getting to put them to bed. Oprah says yes, but they were home with the mistress. They go to break.

They show the footage of John Edwards denying that Hunter’s baby is his in an interview on Nightline with Bob Woodruff. He denies that he knows who the baby is, and  says that he would gladly take a paternity test. Edwards says that he doesn’t know if Andrew Young is the father. Oprah shakes her head and says “oh, please”. That was Edwards lying, she says. Cheri, Andrew’s wife is now in the studio. Oprah asks what they thought when they first saw that tape. They watched it together and it sent shivers up their spines. Andrew says he couldn’t lie that good if Cheri caught him drinking a beer in the garage. Edwards makes you believe him even though its all lies. He is sorry for what they did but also sorry for people across the country who gave money they couldn’t afford to the campaign, slept in gyms, and volunteered. A woman in the audience says that she gave $500 to John Edwards and she’d like her money back. The crowd applaud. Oprah says on behalf of all wives, what spirit allowed Cheri to say yes Rielle could move in with them. Cheri says he told me, Edwards wants me to claim the baby.  She looked at him and simply said: “Why in the world would you even tell me about this? You say no. We have done enough.” She wants to let everyone know what they did for that family over the previous 8-9 years. They did everything, they both did. Cheri would cook breakfast. Whatever he wanted, whatever they needed. When they came back from D.C. and didn’t have a car, they used Cheri’s car. She was without a car. Or Andrew was without a car. It was extreme. They never, never said no. Andrew was so valuable to them.

Later that night, Andrew and Cheri had a long conversation and she still wasn’t on board. They had a call with John and Rielle, which Cheri just listened to. John said this was his chance. They’ve worked so hard, he was so close. Then he spoke of Elizabeth, that she was very ill. She was going to pass very soon. He could not, could not let her know this. They had two huge things in their lap- the presidency that he could win, and the family. Oprah interrupts to ask why they wanted him to be president when he was willing to carry on such a deception. Cheri says she didn’t think of that, only of her responsibility. Oprah says it’s every person who donated. Cheri says that the last two years have been hell, and they are paying for the consequences. Oprah asks if they wanted a role for themselves in DC if he became President, because that motivation she could at least understand.  Andrew says he wanted to take the kids and work in different consulates, experience different countries. Cheri says that by this point they had done so much, invested so much, and this was Andrew’s career. He believed in Edwards so much; “America was fooled. We were all fooled”.

Oprah says would they have come clean  if Edwards had said he would take care of them and set them up. Young says that they waited 2 years and that Edwards had promised that this would be a very short term thing. Within 2 weeks of Andrew’s book being published, after 2 years, Edwards announced that he’s the father, signed the custody papers  and goes to see Rielle and so all these things happen as the book comes out. Cheri says that living these lies has been horrific. She was criticized for being happy in an interview and she was just so relieved that the truth was out. The lies that Elizabeth has told about them, mostly Andrew… Oprah asks if they feel that they also betrayed Elizabeth. Cheri says yes, and she’s very sorry that Elizabeth has a terminal illness but the thing that she doesn’t understand as a nurse (Oprah wipes away Cheri’s tears) working with childrens and families with various terminal illnesses- she doesn’t understand Elizabeth because of how she’s treated them. She’s seen interesting things with how she’s treated others, but they’ve always been safe. She doesn’t understand the voicemails – why would Elizabeth, if she knew the truth, why would she target her? And if she thought that Andrew was the father, why did she target her? The voicemails were downright bizarre and threatening. She called and said take care of your concubine… Oprah says that they must understand why Elizabeth is so upset. Andrew tries to interrupt and Cheri stops him and says that he listens to her now, he agrees, the audience laugh. Cheri tried to protect Elizabeth- Oprah asks if she protected her by harboring the mistress of her husband. Cheri says that now they know that they were wrong, wrong, wrong in their decision.  Oprah says that in an interview with her, Elizabeth said that if the baby is or isn’t Johns, it has nothing to do with her, which Oprah thought was interesting. Any wife who has been lied to and deceived knows that- and she and Elizabeth talked about this off-camera- the feeling that everyone else knows but you. Andrew says that it has broken his heart that his best friend lied repeatedly and drove over him with a dump-truck- he can’t fathom what Elizabeth has gone through.They had to step up and take care of their own family. Oprah says she is surprised that Edwards didn’t take better care of them.After the baby was born he didn’t speak to them. They were in California away from their families and support structure.

For 8 months, they moved from house to house with Rielle. They show photos of Rielle very pregnant then with a newborn. Cheri admits that it looks like they were a happy family and they weren’t but they had to make do, for the children. Rielle stayed in one end of the house and they stayed at the other end. Oprah asks if they all got along. After a pause, Andrew chuckles and says no. Cheri says that they were polar opposites. Oprah asks what they were thinking? Andrew says that the baby was born in February and in March the Senator stopped speaking to him. The night the baby was born, Andrew called Edwards and told him to call. Edwards refused. A switch went off for Andrew, when he realised that not only was he disposable, everyone was disposable. On July 22nd,  Edwards called and said he’d been caught, which was eerily like what happened with his father years before. Edwards was crying and distraught, Andrew said Senator please, don’t make a comment until they know what they have. Edwards got caught in the lies and half truths he told Elizabeth. the only person the Woodruff story made sense to was Elizabeth. He told her that Rielle had made him come to the hotel room because Andrew hadn’t paid child support, and that she was going to blackmail him about their one night stand, unless he paid child support. And that is why Elizabeth said why don’t you take care of your concubine on the voicemail says Oprah. Cheri wants to go back to talking about when they were living in California, when they wanted to get out. They didn’t feel that they could, they were controlled by three attorneys and millionaires and billionaires. They lived in California, they were  building a house in North Carolina and didn’t know how the next month would pan out, how they’d pay for the house, where the kids would go to school. They had their health insurance paid for them…

Oprah asks if he was offered a lot of money for the alleged sex tape- Andrew says its not an alleged sex tape, it shows Edwards but not Rielle. They got alot of email offers but never took them up. Oprah asks what the tape shows, Andrew says no comment and Rielle says she’ll speak. Andrew says no and grabs her hand. Oprah says go ahead. Cheri says that Edwards is naked, performing sexual acts and the woman is holding the camera. Oprah thanks her for the information. Oprah asks if they ever thought of selling it- the mean thought may have crossed their minds but they never acted on it. They found it in July 08 and told him in August 08- Oprah says that she would be very nice to anyone with that tape. Andrew says that the Edwards’ had successfully got them kicked out the house they were renting- Oprah says that makes no sense- Cheri says the tape allowed them to get through the last two years of hell. Finally after being controlled by millionaires, Edwards got busted, they got dumped back in North Carolina and their house wasn’t done. This was the worst time for them but they’d found the tape in a bedroom that Rielle had stayed in. Oprah says that Edwards had to be out of his mind to be filmed naked when running for the presidency of the United States.  Andrew thought it was narcissism gone wild. On top of this it was 3 1/2 months before the election  and he was having sex with a visibly pregnant woman while his wife is dying of cancer. They left the tape in Andrew’s house that they were renting with realtors trooping in and out. Cheri says that the tape was her security after the millionaires and billionaires that had been controlling them. Was she going to do anything with it? No, but she had something to prove from what happened. Oprah asks what they learned from this, that there are huge life lessons to be learned from this. Rielle is suing them to return the photos and videos to her, and says that their statement that there is a visibly preganant woman on the video tape is false and her invasion of privacy has been horrifying. Oprah asks for their final thoughts- in the book Andrew speaks of his fathers betrayal and that he tried to make peace through the brother,  father, friend figure- John. His dad taught him that we can make a positive difference from our actions. Andrew was seduced by the politics, power and money when the job with this viable world leader dropped into his lap. The things that matter the most, Andrew says he already has the. The lesson is that most of us have what we want already, money doesn’t change that. It made their marriage stronger. Cheri says that they have always had  a strong love and trust for each other and with this they hit rock bottom and made it through. Now they are closer, the kids are great, she has her husband back and the kids have their daddy back and he listens to her. The book, The Politician, will have you screaming at the pages, according to Oprah. Both John and Elizabeth Edwards have released statements saying that the book contains false allegations and exaggerations. Edwards claims that Andrew Young is motivated by financial gains and media attention. Oprah appreciates that they allowed her to ask the questions that she still had, and hopefully the Young family can go home and don’t have to do another interview.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Oprah doesn’t normally watch other people’s TV shows.

Filming a naked sex tape while running for the US Presidency is stupid.

Having an affair while your wife publicly battles cancer and you run for President is not a good thing to do.

Even if your boss is like a father/ brother/ friend to you, claiming that his love child is your love child will not be easily understood by others.

Narcissism gone wild will always end in tears.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Sometimes you make a decision, and you’re in a mess, and the mess just gets messier and messier.

Date: February 18th, 2010
File Under: Family, Relationships

Episode 30: Miraculous Family Reunions

Have you ever had a falling out with a family member or friend?  It happens to most of us at some point in our lives and we’re just  too stubborn to make the first move , or unwilling to  forgive  and then it festers. Many people have at least one person they have unfinished business with, or are holding a grudge, too scared to be the first to apologise

Ask yourself, is it worth it? Troy Dunn sees every day how these issues can damage our lives. He is a high profile investigator specialising in reunions. He says he has brought almost 40,000 people back togather. Every week he tracks down birth moms and dads, missing friends, and lost relatives on his reality show, The Locator. 20 years ago he started searching for his mother’s birth parents. He is part detective part therapist. They show footage of him reuniting a birth mom with her daughter, they are delighted. Not everyone gets the happy reunion that they wish for. They show footage of a woman waiting to meet her birth mother- she is alive and well but won’t be coming to the meeting. The daughter is devastated. For others it’s a dream come true- a family of sisters split up and placed in foster homes  as young children find each other.

Oprah welcomes Troy to the studio. He says that one of the greatest myths is that time heals all wounds- it’s not true emotionally, maybe physically it is. Oprah says that Dr Phil used to be here and now has his own show, as does Dr Oz who used to be on Oprah’s show, she remembers that Phil taught her that time don’t heal a damn thing- it’s what you do with the time that helps you heal or not. Troy says that any wound left untreated gets worse; sometimes to protect ourselves we decide that we don’t want that person in our life and there comes a point at which our wound has created paralysis. Mary says that she is being eaten alive by guilt that she has felt for the last 25 years Her family asked Troy to step in. He went to visit Mary and her biological daughter LaKya. 32 years ago, Mary suffered many miscarriages and had a stillborn baby. To help heal their hearts, she and her husband became foster parents. Tamisha was two years old when she joined their family. They just loved her, she lit up their lives. To Mary, Tamisha was hers, she called her mommy. They wanted to adopt her but were unable, they were under the impression that she would go back to her birth mother. They lived happily for 5 years, during which time Mary had a healthy baby girl. When Tamisha was 7 years old, Mary was notiified by social services that Tamisha had been adopted by another family. They came in, took her things, and took Tamisha. Tamisha was crying and Mary had to stay in the house trying not to scream. She feels she never got the chance to explain anything. Troy says that Tamisha was basically an only child, then Mary had a baby and then Tamisha was sent away. Mary has struggled for years with the guilt, she just wants Tamisha to know that she loved her from the very start.

After 7 days of searching, Troy tracked down Tamisha in New York. he wanted to find out what she remembers from her early years with Mary. Tamishawas traumatised, she was crying hysterically trying to hold onto Mary. It was her home, she was devastated, it took her two days to stop crying. She felt like Mary had her own child and then she wasn’t needed anymore. Oprah says that is terrible for a child. Troy asked Tamisha if she would be willing to meet Mary. Troy tells Mary that he found Tamisha and spoke with her and it was almost like the 32 year old lady turned back into a 7 year old talking about the worst day of her life. She has wrestled with feelings of rejection. for her whole life. She is in the building, not in New York , she is walking in right now. They cry and hug. Mary says to her that she never stopped loving her for the last 23 years. Tamisha thought that Mary didn’t want her. It took a long time for her to call her adopted mother mom. Oprah says boo hoo boo hoo. That was almost a year ago. Mary and Tamisha are here in the studio. Oprah says we are passing the Kleenex in here. Tamisha didn’t know what was going on that day she didnt understand how she could go to  a new home when she was at home. She thought she was being replaced by Mary’s biological daughter. Tamisha’s adoptive mom is in the audience. Tamisha thought about Mary and had flashbacks at school when the others talked of their childhood. Before the reunion she hadn’t seen photos of herself before the age of 7. Mary wished that she had been able to explain what happened and what was going on. Once Tamisha went to her new home, Mary was not allowed to make contact. Social Services said she was doing fine. Troy says it is the way the system is set up, to keep distances for safety’s sake. It has no consideration of feelings. A 7 year old can not distinguish between a birth or adoptive or foster mom, she just knows who loves her. Oprah says it’s true what they were saying during the break, blood is not thicker than water, Troy thinks they should stop saying that. “Who loves you when you need them, that’s your family”, Oprah says that phrase should be their new thing. She loves that, Troy says she can have it. Oprah felt it was almost primal to see them meet again- Mary says seeing Tamisha again released alot of those concerns, knowing she looks so well. Oprah observes that Tamisha has lost weight since then, Tamisha says that her confidence has grown and she is a more active participant in life. Troy says  people don’t have peace until they find all the pieces. Oprah says he is a quote-a-minute. Troy says the calmness and understanding from peace gives you a glow. Mary’s birth daughter says they grew up knowing all about Tamisha. Clement, Mary’s husband says that Tamisha was a great girl, like she still is now. Oprah calls them a wonderful foster family.

Troy’s new series premiers on WE TV on March 3rd. If you want to track someone down, why wait?  The hardest news he has to pass on is that people were too late, that he found them but they passed. If you wait for timing to be everything, you’ll end up with nothing. Cindy is struggling with terminal cancer and wants to find her dad more than anything in the world. She may only have 4 months to live. With 4 children, she still feels the void of no father. Her parents split before she was born. She met him at age 12 and spend a few nights with him. Just as they were getting to know each other, her mother took her and left town. She was heartbroken that she never saw him again. With limited info, Troy met Doug, Cindy’s father. He got married when he was in the military, and by the time he got home, his wife had left with another man. He never got to see Cindy until she was 11-12. After Cindy’s mom moved, no one would tell him where they had gone. He wants to be in contact with Cindy. Troy took Doug to see Cindy for the first time in two decades. They hug and cry. She shrieks, they missed each other.

Cindy is coping, she says she has had a rough day today. Cindy and Doug join Oprah by satellite from Alabama. Her Dad moved in with her and takes her to all her doctor’s visits. He doesn’t want to miss anymore of her life. He takes the kids to school everyday and takes the kids to ballgames. She has two 14 year olds,  a 12 year old and  a 9 year old. Doug never gave up hope. Troy has a great deal of respect for how sensitive daughters can be. He won’t bring a dead-beat dad into a daughter’s life. The crowd applaud. Its important to him that they pay child support and show him that they tried to get in touch. He says that Doug is a walking heart. There are 3 sides to every story- his hers and the truth. He normally has to piece together the truth and always fact checks. Oprah says that every child wants to know why didn’t you try and find them. Doug says that he tried but got no information. Troy said that Doug documented his attempts to his satisfaction. Oprah asks Cindy if she finds this to be a miracle. Cindy says that every day for her is a miracle, she surpassed her predicted 6-8 months of life expectancy, she has been alive now for a year and   half since the diagnosis. She feels robbed of her family that she could have had for her whole life. Her dad has missed out on so much,her kids, her wedding. She doesn’t know how much longer she has left but she feels robbed. Oprah says that focusing on what is in the moment will help Cindy heal, not dwelling in the past. She thanks them for joining the show by Skype. God Bless Them, may you be healed and witness and share the miracle.

Pam Slaton is a genealogist. This mother of two makes a living tracking down missing people. Working 7 days a week and pulling all nighters she never gives up. Family is her passion; her own and other peoples. One of her most famous clients was one of the founding fathers of Hip Hop, Darryl McDaniels of Run DMC He found out her was adopted at age 35. Pam found his mother. She says it is extremely rewarding to tell people that their search is over. She always wanted to know who her birth mother was, despite loving her amazing family. She wanted to know who gave her life, she finds it a basic need. Pam takes on Linda’s case; a birth mother  looking for her daughter. She ran away from home at age 15, she lived on the streets for a few months before returning to her violent home When she found out she was pregnant, she thought that the baby would love her and that she had would finally experience real love. When she was 7 months pregnant, her social worker told her that he mom wouldn’t let the baby into the house. She raged and felt she had no choice and gave the baby up for adoption. She and Pam went back to the home for unwed mothers where the baby was born. Linda hadn’t been there for 42 years, she says it’s surreal. Linda says that the moment she gave up her daughter after the joyfulness of giving birth- she doesn’t want to go back and visit that. She knew that the last time she held her was the last time she would hold her. Linda got a college degree, worked on Wall Street, got married and had a son, but something was always missing, because you can’t find peace until you find the pieces.

Pam found Linda’s daughter. Her daughter says she’s lived her whole life dying for a family, she’s never had one. She is overwhelmed. A few days later Laura flew 2000 miles to meet her birth mother. Her childhood was difficult, she has never had anybody who cared for her. Pam tells Linda the news. Linda cries. Pam tells her to get herself together to go meet Laura. Pam tellsLinda not to be scared. Linda and Laura finally meet. They cry and hug.

Linda and Laura are in the studio, they only met yesterday.  Oprah asks how it was to wake up this morning- Linda says it is too surreal, meeting Laura and finding out that her story is not what she dreamed of for Laura’s life. But seeing her with her brother, she is so proud of her and she says that they both love each other. Oprah says that what was so moving to her is that Laura asked Pam in disbelief if Linda had been looking for her. Laura says that as a child, you have no idea why you are given up, and to find out that your birth mother wanted you, that chases away all the other thoughts. Linda had named Laura, a name with meaning. Pam says that this is validation that the birth mother has never forgotten their child. It heals a piece of the child, its a gift. Oprah says that everyone is looking to know that they matter, and to have been given a name would mean that you matter. Linda met three of her grandchildren, what a day. They are amazing little children, says Linda, Laura has done such a fabulous job. She says you never know what the person has gone through and if you made the right decision, she questioned herself all those years, but seeing those little ones… God, that’s amazing. Oprah says that Troy says that things don’t always end up well. This has only been 24 hours and Oprah is sure this will get more intense and there may be anger and resentment. Its hard to stay in the I loove you stage. Pam says that it is a balancing act and that it can be anti-climactic. The search and find is such a rollercoster of highs and lows, an amazing expecrience. Then you realise that you are in a position where you are strangers but you are supposed to have this love and you have to manage it. Linda says that after meeting Laura yesterday, she had a complete meltdown because she had a fantasy life for laura, living in a castle, and that wasn’t there. Laura says that she had a very hard life. Oprah asks Linda’s son how it feels to meet his sister. He always knew about his adopted sister and he couldn’t be happier.

Oprah says that they have used enough tissue in the show today. Oprah asks Troy to speak to thse holding back on reconnecting with their loved ones. Troy says that as we come to grips with our mortality, especially those towards the end of their life-clock, you think of the loved and unloved ones. There is still time to move the unloved ones over to the loved ones list. There is still time. Pam addresses the idea that a birth parent search is a rejection of the family you have. She says people just need to know their chapter one, where they originated from, it does not mean that there is a lack of love.  Oprah says excellent.

Thanks to Pam and Troy. There are 19 states banning texting when drivig. If yours doesn’t, speak up . Speak up, speak out ,and write to your representatives and make your car a no-phone zone now.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

One of the greatest myths is that time heals all wounds.

Who loves you when you need them, that’s your family.

People don’t have peace until they find all the pieces.

Everyone is looking to know that they matter,

There is still time to move the unloved ones over to the loved ones list.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Make peace with your loved ones: If you wait for timing to be everything, you’ll end up with nothing.

Date: February 17th, 2010
File Under: Family, Public Service Announcement, Tragedy

Episode 29: Serial Killer John Wayne Gacy’s Sister & Mass Murderer Jim Jones’ Son Speak Out

We’ve all heard the expression don’t drink the Kool-Aid which means don’t follow the crowd, think for yourself. Do you know where the expression comes from? It comes from the  1978 Jonestown Massacre where more than 900 people drank a Kool-Aid-like beverage laced with cyanide. 900 people, that’s the audience members multiplied by three. 900 people. It was the biggest mass murder suicide in modern history, and it was masterminded by Jim Jones, the leader of the People’s Temple. In 1956 Jones was a young and dynamic preacher with a radical voice for the times; he preached total equality. He created his own church in Indiana and called it the People’s Temple. He stood for divine principles: Total equality. A society where people own all things in common, where there is no rich or poor, where there are no races.He and his wife  had what they called a Rainbow Family with their kids-  2 kids from South Korea, an African American kid,  and one homegrown kid. in 1965, Jones moved his family and the People’s Temple to progressive California. It was the 60’s, and the People’s Temple had what many were seeking, they spoke of what people had in their hearts- the government was not taking care of people, there were too many poor people and poor children. When Garrett Lambrev  joined the People’s Temple in 1965, there were 81 members, five years later there were 1000’s of members. As the movement grew, so did Jones’ demands. Followers signed over their paychecks, their life saving and even their homes. In the 70’s, Jones claimed he could miraculously heal the sick. A darker side of Jones was emerging, and rumors of physical and sexual abuse began to spread. Laura Johnston Kohl says that people were spanked, slapped and beaten in meetings. Jones sent an advanced team to the jungles of Guyana, South America, to build their utopia, Jonestown, far away from media and government scrutiny.

In 1977, with Jonestown almost complete, Jones ordered his followers to Guyana, and nearly 1000 people dropped everything and moved with him to where they believe heaven on earth awaited them. The followers thought it loooked like freedom. The community was well planned with a school, clinic and communal  kitchen. But as Jonestown flourished, their leader grew increasingly bizarre. There was a speaker system that only Jones spoke on. He would tape himself and play it over and over, 24 hours a day. In the summer of 1978, it was noticed that Jones was getting sicker. It was widely rumored that he was abusing drugs.  His tirades were getting more and more frantic and he seemed to be getting more insane. Back in the States, former church members began complaining that Jones was keeping their loved ones against their will. Californian congressman, Leo Ryan flew to Jonestown with a handful of reporters. The People’s Temple welcomed them to the party. But later that evening a Jonestown resident passed a note to a reporter saying that he was being held against his will. The next morning, more and more defectors came forward. Though Jones appeared calm in front of the cameras, behind the scenes he had ordered his avenging angels, as he called them, to take action. They ambushed the Congressman and his crew at the airstrip. Congressman Ryan and four others were killed in a shootout. Back at Jonestown, Jones called an emergency meeting where he announced that the Congressman was dead. He stated that as they wouldn’t live in peace, they should die in peace. Jones presented to his followers a large metal vat filled with a cyanide-laced beverage. First mothers were ordered to give it to their children and then drink it themselves.  ”Die with respect, Die with a degree of dignity” Jones urged them. “Mother please, put down your life with your child”. Tim Carter is one of only 7 who survived the mass suicide. He looked to his right and saw his wife with their son in her arms and poison being injected into his mouth, and his son was dead, and he was frothing at the mouth. His wife died in his arms, and their son was in her arms. All Tim could say was I love you, over and over. Jim Jones Jr lost his wife, his unborn child and his mother and father.

Oprah says it still seems unbelievable that 909 people including nearly 300 children died that day, and a further 5 at the airstrip. Jim Jones Jr was not there that day, he is here in the studio today. Jones preached to his followers about dying a peaceful and dignified death. This is what a death by Potassium Cyanide does to the body. The deadly poison attacks the nervous system, starving the body of oxygen. Unable to breathe, victims die of suffocation, eventually their organs shutdown. Eye-witnesses at Jonestown reported seeing the poisoned people going into violent convulsions, their faces twisted and foam coming out of their mouths. It took about 5 minutes to die their agonizing deaths.

They came to take newborn babies out of their mother’s arms. Jones said “Bring the vat, the vat, the vat, lay it here so that the adults may begin”. They were slaughtered says Tim. There was nothing dignified, it was senseless waste and death. Rev Jim Jones, his wife, 2 of their children and 5 of their grandchildren died that day. 3 of their sons were spared. Jim Jones Jr and his two brothers were in Georgetown, 150 miles away with the basketball team when he got his father’s call. His father spoke of visiting Ms Frazier, which was code for suicide. Jim couldn’t believe what Jones planed to do, he asked if there was another way. His father told them to find knives or piano wire or whatever they could to commit suicide. When Jim received those instructions he didn’t kill himself, he didn’t believe and couldnt understand what was happening. He didn’t know if his family would drink the Kool-Aid. At the time he was 18. They went to the US embassy to find what was going on, they hoped they could stop it. In Jonestown prior to this, the community had practiced drills of suicide- which were tests of loyalty where people would pledge their allegiance to the cause. The cause was the non-isms; non-racism, non-sexism, non ageism. The class system coming out of the 70’s of haves and have nots was opposite to the utopian society of the Pople’s Temple. People believed that they would create a whole new world. They had the whole gamut of intelligence, and 70% African Americans. Jim was adopted by Jones when he was 10 weeks old. The story goes that he was the first African American kid to be adopted by a caucasian family. Jones was his father, and Jim loved him. He took pride in his father. Oprah asks was it difficult being the first black kid in a white family? He says no, he didn’t know. There were Koreans in the family and Jim Jr just thought that he had a better tan. He had two Korean siblings,  and Homemade the blond blue eyed natural son. There was no race at the church, they were a rainbow family.

Even Jones’ voice was becoming slurred towards the end. During the last year he was becoming detached and crazy. Jim Jr was probably the last to see it- he didnt want to see it. Jones had multiple affairs and mistresses which happened for years prior to Jonestown. As a child they’d go on holiday for a week with their father and a mistress, and then their mother would join them for the second week. His mother was aware. Jim Jr was told that the women needed his father. He was resentful, but felt that he had to do it for the people to build the new world. He says that he drank the Kool-Aid before; he was indoctrinated into believing, that was his bubble. Oprah asks why would 900 people agree to do that? Jim Jr cant answer but he can try and explain the mindset. The 900 people were told that the Congressman had been shot. They were told that their community would be invaded and their  children would be taken away. Jones’ words were that they needed to lay down their lives in protest. He had the children ingest the cyanide first, very manipulatively. Jim Jr says he has 3 boys and if he watched them die, why would he want to live? Jones created that vacuum. When you see the syringes and needles, he doesn’t think everyone lined up willingly. Oprah clarifies that people were made to do it against their will, and that guards were there to shoot people if they didn’t comply. Jim Jr’s brother, sister, mother , father, wife and unborn child all died. For Jim Jr there was no reason to live. He came back to the States and went by James Jones for many years. 15 years later  he worked his way up to be the Director of a Cardio Pulmonary Department in a hospital. Because of the acronyms behind his name, they shortened his name to Jim. As he walked up to his great new job he was faced with the name Jim Jones and he realised that Jim Jones Jr is who he is. He faced up to the fact that he was part of a community trying to build  a brave new world. They tried and failed, but he can’t hide from who he is. He doesn’t hate his father, he has forgiven him. Was Jones mentally ill or on drugs? Oprah asks. The mental illness was exacerbated by the drug abuse and his power which was never challenged. Jones spiraled out of control, self destructed and took 900 people with him.

In 1998, Jim Jr went back to Jonestown and took his sons with him, he wanted to give them the foundation of what kind of world they were trying to create. When he got to Jonestown, looking for answers to his questions the only thing he could find was the tin vat that the KoolAid was stored in. The grass had grown over it. At that point he realised that he couldn’t have answers but he had to figure out how to get on with his life from that point. Oprah asks if he would have drunk the Kool-Aid that day, he can’t say he wouldn’t have if his wife and family had all taken it. The 900 people had already been brainwashed, practicing suicide raids, they were  already indoctrinated. To kill the children first was a strategy. Oprah says again, it is incomprehensible that any mother would feed their child cyanide.

Jim Jr says that basketball saved his life twice. 15-18 years after Jonestown he hit rock bottom and found solace in alcohol and drugs. He became emotionally unavailable to his wife and children to the stage where his wife was willing to leave him and take the kids. To save his family he got clean and found something that his son gave him as a gift that they could connect upon, basketball. He’d denied himself basketball because of guilt, and that saved him. When people says sports save their life, Jim Jr says it saved his life twice. Jim’s oldest son Rob is making a name for himself on the basketball court. For years Jim Jr was defined as the son of Jim Jones. Now he’s known as the father of his son Rob, with great pride and honor. Oprah says that’s really great.

Jim Jr shared many stories with his kids about their grandfather;  trips they went on, playing ball. Some of his sons friends came up to Rob and said they just learned about his grandfather in history class. And Rob said, yeah, that was my Grandfather. To Rob it’s just stories. Oprah says she finds it hard to believe that there is no guilt, shame and resentent connected to… that it would be easy to dismiss the first 17 years of his life, banish it and move on. Jim Jr says he wanted to embrace it for both himself and his children. Oprah asks why. He embraces it because then he doesn’t have to  hide from it. Oprah says that is so good and that we can learn alot from him. He says that there is no stigma for his children. Oprah says that everyone has something in their past that they are embarrassed by, or ashamed of, something that a family member has done. Jim Jr is proof that you don’t have to let the past be a burden. He says it is by the Grace of God and a great wife. Oprah says listen to your wife, Jim Jr laughs. Thank you Jim and to CBS for some of the footage they used to tell this story.

John Wayne Gacy’s sister is not recognised by her background- she had to bury that part of her life. She likes to talk about the brother that she knew, who was kind and loving and a great loving uncle to her children who they dearly loved and dearly remember. Karen’s brother was one of the most horrific serial killers of all time. Anyone under 35 may not remember the grizzly story before his arrest in 1978. He was one of the carziest and scariest human beings because he functioned in society. At 25 years old, John Wayne Gacy was a family man with a wife and 2 children. He ran a successful business and was well respected. One afternoon he invited a 15 year old boy to his home and molested him. In 1968 he was arrested and convicted of sodomy. He received 10 years, the maximum sentence, at the State Penitentiary. His wife divorced him and took the children who he never saw again. While in prison, he was a model prisoner, he was the head cook and sang in the choir. After 18 months he was released on good behaviour. Returning to his home town of Chicago, determined to rebuild his life, he started a contracting business. He remarried and volunteered at charitable events as Pogo the Clown. His family believed that when his second marriage failed, something in him snapped. He began to abduct young men and boys, raping and murdering them. Police never suspected anything until 1978 when he was reported as the last person seen with a young boy. Investigators were shocked when he admitted to throwing five bodies in the river and he drew a map showing where more than 2 dozen bodies were buried in a crawl space beneath his home and garage. He was found guilty of murdering 33 young men and boys, he received the death penalty and died by lethal injection in 1994.

Gacy’s sister Karen shows her favorite photo of them together as children with their older sister Joanne. John and her were best friends and did everything together. He liked gardening, baking and cooking, not stereotypical male activities of the time. It bothered their father who would bring it up when he drank. Her father would call John a  sissy, and he was a mean drunk. John felt that he never lived up to his father’s expectations which went all the way up until he married and had a son and daughter. He was arrested about 18 months later and was accused of sodomy with a minor- he always insisted that he was innocent and he was framed. Karen believed him and says that she has often wondered if they hadn’t believed him so easily that his life may have turned out differently.

In 1978 the remains of at least 27 bodies were found under Gacy’s house. Karen says that there was always a musty smell at the house, When he was arrested, she couldn’t believe that he was capable of killing all the people. An attorney called to tell her, she spoke to John and he admitted that he did it. Neither she nor her husband could believe it. He wasn’t the person that they knew, who was good and kind and loving. Gacy recanted his confession and maintained that he was innocent until his execution, but he did tell Karen initially that he did it. In jail she asked him how he didn’t know that the bodies were under their mothers house. He said he didn’t kill all of them but maybe one or two. She told him that if he killed one, he killed them all;  you can’t kill one and not be guilty. She was so angry at what he had done to their family and children. She could have socked him because she didn’t know that about him.

Oprah asks if he killed things as a boy, like animals, or other traits of serial killers? Karen says no, nothing like that, he was good to their dogs, there were no signs of anything. Oprah asks if he was trying to hide his homosexuality or bisexuality? In Iowa, Karen and her husband and their oldest daughter visited him and they went to a function together. Gacy said don’t be upset if they don’t go home with each other. Gacy went home with the wife of a couple who was with them, and the husband went home with them. Karen never set foot in their house again. She said what in the world is going on, and he said it was nothing. She’d never heard anything about him with another man. Oprah asks what the family thought when he was jailed for sodomy of a 15 year old boy? He said it was consensual. Her mom told her later that as a child he was molested, and she is not trying to use that as a justification for what he did. Oprah says that if everyone who was molested ended up killing people and putting them in a crawlspace, we wouldn’t have a world. Karen agrees.

Karen was with John the hours before his execution. The chief prosecutor felt he got an easier death than he deserved. Leaving the prison and knowing she’d never see him again was really hard. It was a nightmare. You could hear the people chanting. No one ever called her to say Im sorry for your loss after he was executed.  Oprah asks what it was like to spend the day before the execution with her brother. He was at peace with it, he said he’d rather be dead than live in prison for the rest of his life. They show a photo of them hugging, taken hours before he was transferred for execution. Karen sees that people may find it hard to believe that she would hug him, but she says that he was her brother. She never knew the evil part of him. She hates that part of him and she told her family that if any appeal ever worked, she’d see to it that he’d never walk the face of the earth again. She never spoke to the victims families, she was not allowed to by attorneys because it was tantamount to admitting that he was guilty. She feels remorse about that. She only told her boss last week who her brother was. The name Gacy has disappeared, she never uses her maiden name. After 31 years of hiding her past, never mentioning that she has a brother, living in a closet, to allow her children and grandchildren a  normal life, she is ready  to reveal herself to her neighbors on Oprah. The last thing that she said to her brother was that she loved him and forgave him for the the stuff that he… not the crime, she could never forgive that, but for what they were put through.

Oprah thanks her and says it is interesting to hear from people who have to carry on their lives when they are related to some of the most infamous and reviled people in history. Remember to make your car a no-phone zone; no one else needs to die because people are stupidly texting. Thank you.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:
909 people died in Jonestown including almost 300 children in the biggest mass murder suicide in modern history, masterminded by Jim Jones.

Jim Jones Jr, the son of Jim Jones has forgiven his dad because they were trying to create a utopian ideal.

Jim Jones Jr has embraced his father’s legacy so that to his children, this particular history is just stories.

John Wayne Gacy, a seemingly functional member of society abducted, raped and murdered 33 yound men and boys.

Karen, sister of Gacy saw no warning signs in her brother, and has forgiven him, but not his crime.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Even the most reviled, infamous people in history can find  forgiveness from their family.

Date: February 15th, 2010
File Under: Betrayal, Family, Public Service Announcement, Relationships, Tragedy

Episode 27: Raped By His Mother- A Victim Comes Forward

Last Monday Oprah talked to 4 child molesters, who revealed in chilling detail how they lured children into their sick world. What they did was evil, but what they said can help your children. Today we turn your view of child molestation upside down when we look at what happens when the molesters are women, even mothers. This is Gregg Milligan’s graphic recount of what he went through every single day as a boy. This was his childhood home where he and his oldest brother and younger sister lived with their mother. He didn’t know his father, his mother was his whole world. The physical abuse started long before the sexual abuse. When he was 8 years old he was fondled and touched by his mother, and he was made to touch her. When perhaps she thought she could take it further, she did, she’d make him have sex with her, moving his body agains hers. If he didn’t respond physically he would be beaten and choked and  thrown from the bedroom. He had to help her reach orgasm – until that happened he was her prisoner in her bed and she’d make an awful screaching sound when she reached orgasm, then she’d hit him and push him. When he went to bed at night he couldn’t get the smell of her of his hands. By the time he was 9 or 10 it felt consensual, he wanted to die, to be rid of this ugly feeling of being his mother’s lover.

Back in the studio Oprah says we are talking here about a ten year old boy. Gregg’s mother died nearly 14 years ago but he recently came out the shadows to tell his story. We don’t hear about mother-son abuse much, but it does happen. She asks Gregg about the sense that the abuse felt consensual- was that because it was pleasurable? He says it was never pleasurable, it was always awful, but his body started to respond to the stimulus. As he grew older and his body matured, he responded physically with an erection. He couldn’t differentiate between the biological and the mental response. Oprah asks if he thought it was normal? He says yes. Oprah qualifies that you don’t have a language for it as an abused child. Later as an adult you can articulate it, but as a child he thought all boys had this relationship with their mothers. Oprah asks if there was any seduction? He says the beatings were consistent, and the sexual abuse started the same way but when the sexual abuse started he would be told mother needs you, rather than shouted at to stand still. It was manipulative and gentle. The beatings were worse if she didn’t reach orgasm- he tried hard to help her orgasm quickly so he could go back to his room. Oprah says part of the shame of abuse is because there is some pleasure; being touched is supposed to feel good and that’s why we are all doing it. As a child, the newly aroused feelings are confusing. Greg says if his mother had been gentle and kind and sweet he is sure it would have been diffeerent. But because of the brutality of the physical abuse it was very different. Her anger if she didnt reach orgasm, and the dismissiveness with which she told him to get out if she did reach orgasm was always there. After she’d reached orgasm, she’d say that he did it to her, that he seduced her and that this was his doing. He believed that and was completely confused. He thought that this was love at first. Oprah asks for a picture of him to be shown on screen at age 8 or 10. She asks that everyone who feels responsible for their abuse to look at a picture of themself at the age it happened and ask what a child of that age could have done to stop the abuse. Gregg sees a young boy who was given no choice but to allow this to happen in his photo. He couldn’t have stopped it and wouldn’t have stopped it- his mother was the center of his universe and he loved her. Oprah reiterates her stance that  molesters in the bushes do exist but mainly it is friends and relatives who are the abusers.

Gregg says as a child he was physically tortured and violently raped by his mother. 35 years later he is still tortured by his past. He is working on it, but at age 46 he is still trapped inside his childhood house. What was taken from Gregg and any abused child will be gone forever. Part of him was taken and died- the innocence that every child deserves was taken. Before age 11 there was no one that he could have told. There were teachers but he was desperately afraid of his mother. She was his only parent, she was feared by her kids and in the neighborhood. It wasn’t just the fear of his mother, it was the absolute shame that this was taking place. Even today Oprah asks which is easier to say, that he was abused or that he had sex with his mother? He says abused. It is easier to admit to physical abuse rather than sexual abuse. Oprah says that  in all these years, Gregg is the first person she has spoken to who was forced to have had actual physical intercourse with his mother at such a young age, and that is interesting for her to talk about what that experience does to you as a person. The experience itself was that his mother had control of his body- they were both small people, close to emaciated, and she would control his physical body to pleasure her. It was worse than the physical abuse- it forced him to shut off what was happening. He had to pretend that it wasn’t his mother doing this because she was the only person that he had in this world. He needed his mom. Oprah says the stories behind the smiles are never revealed in childhood photos. Gregg wanted them to think he was normal, he craved normalcy and acceptance to be like the other children.

After a year of being raped by his mother, the abuse took a turn for the worse. His mother frequently prostituted herself at local pubs, soliciting men in the neighborhood. The men soon followed for Gregg- his mother would justify prostituting him out by saying if he didn’t they’d go hungry, lose the house and be out on the street. She said that if he didn’t comply the men would come back and cut off his genitals, and Gregg believed her. Oprah says his mother sounds like a monster. He recalls his mother prostituting herself when he was seven. Oprah wants Gregg’s information to help viewers. Kids don’t have the words- so asking them if they have been molested is unhelpful as they dont understand the concept. Greg was 8-9 the first time; a man came over, money changed hands and his mother left. The man undressed him and performed fellatio, He struggled desperately to not let his body respond to the stimulus. It worked that time and the man, frustrated, left. It became worse when he got older and couldn’t always control the biological response to the stimulus. That was the worst when he got an erection, then it felt like it was his fault, that he wanted it. Oprah says she so understands that. Oprah asks if he understands that the little boy in the photo could not possibly be responsible. He understands now, but it took years. Oprah says that the abusers use your biological response to justify their behavior, to say that you liked it. His mother would convince him that it wouldn’t have happened had he not responded sexually, with her or the other men. Oprah says that this is horrific and that his mother was obviously a damaged person with a lot of  pain in her life and no ability to love her children. But  in all cases, the sexual act itself is minor compared to the emotional and spiritual damage done. Gregg agrees wholeheartedly. The shame is crushing and is what destroys you. The shame changes what you are as a human being. It caused Gregg to act and react differently. He withheld emotionally and academically. He was afraid to play with other young boys- his mother would say he was immoral, homosexual and perverted. He believed that it was not normal behaviour  to find affection or friendship. Oprah asks if he finds it is a marvel that he is alive and and sane and able to marry and have a life beyond this? Greg say that there is definitely something bigger and better than all of this out there.

In the photo album of his childhood, Gregg and his siblings have forced smiles- if you look closely you’ll see bruises, scars, greasy hair, unkempt clothes and fear. Fear is exactly what the abusers want you to feel. No one in the neighborhood ever stepped in to help. Neighbors saw what their mother did to the kids, and they’d tell their own kids to stay away  from the family, further ostracizing them from the rest of the neighborhood. Due to her advanced alcoholism, she could no no longer control  her bowels, so she would walk up and down the street urinating and defecating while screaming obscenities. Kids would ask if his mother was the whore, the crazy woman? There were obvious signs that he was abused- he was emaciated, his clothing smelled awful. His nicknames were stinky, smelly, brains- because he couldnt read write or tell the time. If you really want to hurt someone, make a joke that a boy is having sex with his mother. It was meant in jest, no one could fathom that it would be true, but it was.  Oprah asks what he would do when that joke was made? Gregg would laugh along to appear as normal as possible. Oprah says every child wants to fit in and be normal. Greg just wanted to fit in and be normal, even though he couldn’t tell the time at age 10.

Gregg’s sister April is here, she was also sexually abused by their mother. She is two years younger than Gregg. April knew something was going on with Gregg, but she was instructed to stay in her room at all times. Her mom would come and grab her hand and take her to her bedroom. To April it was spending time with mom. Her mom would make April fondle her mother’s vagina, and she would do the same to April. This went on for a couple of years until Gregg stepped in, thank god. Her saviour saved her life. He said no more, you’re not going to abuse my sister so he took the abuse. A man came to the house when he was about 9 and april was 7. Money changed hands and Gregg assumed the man was there for him or his mother. But his mother called April out the room  which had never happened. She then instructed Gregg to follow her to her room. Gregg grabbed april, his mother grabbed him and slammed him against the wall. Gregg told April to hide, and he went to the living room and he had to be abused by the man instead, while his mother went to her room. He says it was the best decision that he ever made. She never tried to prostitute April again. He was beaten after the man left yet Gregg said he would never let it happen again. He would always insert himself into the situation so that April never had to do this. April knew he was protecting her, she knew as a child that something was not right- with regards to touching and private areas. She knew with her mother that the sexual abuse was wrong, she was afraid of her, she would try and hide. She knew when a man arrived that it was not a good feeling.

Gregg says the house always smelled of sex and alcohol. He had to get all three of the kids out because one day he wouldn’t be there and April would be raped and it would be his fault. When Gregg was 11, they were removed from the home and the abuse stopped. The shame went on for years after. Greg spent two weeks stealing money from his mother’s purse to run down to the corner store and use the payphone to call and say you have to help us, you have to get us out of here to an older sister. After two weeks, a sister did come and physically remove them from the house. Their mother died in 1996. Oprah asks how their relationship was. Gregg worried about her, he loved her very much but avoided her because he was afraid of her. Preparing for this show, he saw a photo of his mom at his college graduation,standing next to him.  He didn’t remember her being there , he cut her from his life entirely, didn’t communicate with her. He was still afraid of her as an adult. Oprah says that when you’ve been abused by someone you love and trust, it is very confusing as children love even the abuser. It is hard to understand but it is confusing and shameful for the abused.

Every nightmare starts the same, Gregg feels his mother forcing him to have sex with him, he sees her face, he can smell her breath of wine and whisky. He wakes up clawing at the bed; screaming, weeping, shouting out.  The dreams are vivid and real and they are every night. Gregg’s wife Sarah is in the studio. She says Gregg will cry out and struggle in his sleep, he makes choked out, fearful cries. She sometimes wakes him up or she’ll hold him. Oprah asks how you begin to put a life back together with the shame and the guilt. Oprah says she’s speaking in broad generalities, and she knows that, but many people cannot have  intimate communication and for others it goes the opposite way. Oprah became a promiscuous teenager, looking for love in all the wrong places. For Gregg, as a teenager and into his 20’s he became very promiscuous with multiple relationships and short relationships. Sarah and Gregg met at work and she heard about all this maybe a year or so into the relationship. Oprah says this is enough to make you pack your bags and run, and Sarah says no, never. Gregg was very quiet at first, he was fearful of the shame of telling, afraid to tell her. He was scared that she would judge him or find him perverted. The trust and love he had for his abuser, an unhealthy love, had to become a safe healthy trust and love for someone else. Oprah says the ramifications of being abused by someone as close to you as your mother means that you simply don’t know how to love. You don’t trust anyone.

Despite everything that happened to Gregg before his 12th birthday, he went on to graduate high school, college and got his master’s degree. The crowd applaud. Education saved him by allowing him to be more independent and functional, a contributing member of society and people started to pay attention to  him when he spoke,especially when he asked for help. He has a 23 year old son who is in the audience, Gregg the second. Oprah asks how it feels to hear this- it makes him, sad, he loves his dad and he’s a great father who is easy to talk to. Oprah asks Gregg if fatherhood helped him heal- absolutely, one of his greatest fears was turning out like his parents. To be able to raise his son with love and no violence, it affirmed to Gregg that it might be ok, that it can be done. Oprah says that it is a choice; every abused child does not have to choose to become an abuser. Gregg says we need more people to make that choice. Oprah thanks everyone for being here. Gregg is the spokesperson for RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. If anybody who has heard this story today wants to talk about what has happened in their life or what is happening in someone’s life, the number is on the screen. There is a reason why the last 4 digits spell Hope. 1-800-656-HOPE. Before they go, photographs of 12 year old Joe from Spring Lake Michigan are shown onscreen. A driver on a cellphone ran a red light and killed this little boy. Joe is not here to speak for himself so Oprah asks us all to take the pledge and please do not use phones in the car.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

The stories behind the smiles are never revealed from childhood photos.

The innocence that every child deserves is taken by sexual abuse.

Kids don’t have the right words- so asking them if they have been molested is unhelpful as they don’t understand the concept.

Every child wants to fit in and be normal.

It is a choice, every abused child does not choose to become an abuser

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

The shame of sexual abuse is crushing and is what destroys you. The shame changes what you are as a human being.

Date: February 2nd, 2010
File Under: Family, Relationships, Tragedy

Episode 18: The Children of Elizabeth Smart’s Kidnapper Speak Out

This family portrait of 1981 shows a family of six, with the mother a homemaker and organist in the church. Two decades later, she was part of one of  the most infamous kidnappings of our time, the abduction of Elizabeth Smart. It was almost 8 years ago, 2002, when 14 year old Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped by knifepoint in her bedroom. Her sister Mary Catherine, age 9, witnessed the abduction but pretended to sleep. 4 months later, Mary Catherine had a memory from that night, and the name Emmanuel came into her head. The family recalled they had hired a man named Emmanuel to do work around their house. They worked witha  sketch artist to create an image and a woman came forward identifying the man as Brian David Mitchell, a self-proclaimed profit. The tipster said he would likely be with his wife f 17 years, Wanda Barzee. She was right- a month later, Brian and Wanda were spotted wandering the streets of Salt Lake City with Elizabeth.

Elizabeth’s ordeal was finally over. She is now 22 years old and a few months ago she testified that Mitchell chained her to a tree and raped her repeatedly for the duration of her captivity. He pled not guilty and a judge is deliberating whether he is competent to stand trial. Last year, Wanda Barzee pled guilty to kidnapping and unlawful transportation of a minor. She is confined to a state hospital and is yet to be sentenced.

Wanda Barzee’s 6 children are not surprised that their mom could do something so evil- they say that they were her first victims. A video shows them going to the home they grew up in, they haven’t been back in years. Louree says their  family appeared normal outside, but inside everything changed. Rhonda said their father was over-controlling and abusive. Derrick learned how to fend for himself from age 8, he’d find his refuge in the back yard. Their mom would lock food up in the pantry for a couple of days to torment them. The dog loved them unconditionally, so Louree would hide with her dog in the doghouse, snuggle for warmth and eat dogfood. Derrick would roast on a stick whatever animal he could shoot with his BB gun. Their mom would take them upstairs and brainwash them each that the family would be better off without them, if they were dead. Andrea says she preferred the physical abuse to this mental abuse, these scars have remained. She robbed them of their childhood and innocence.

Rhonda, Derrick, Louree and Andrea are in the studio, 4 of 6 of Wanda’s children. Andrea is on the show to reveal the monster that is her mother, she does not like the media portrayal that Barzee is a vicitim of Mitchell. She thinks that she has been sympathetically portrayed as a psychological victim, Andrea wants to show that Barzee had issues before she ever met Mitchell. They were a bad match, each with their own psychological issues; they fed on each other. As children, they received physical abuse from their father, but also physical and medical neglect and prevalent emotional abuse. Outside appearances, meant that they looked like the Brady brunch, like a good Mormom family. Derrick says they had no sense of right or wrong, he was on his way to prison. Oprah says that as a child you don’t know what you need to develop. Derek craved love. Andrea says kids need structure, knowing they’ll still be loved no matter what. As kids, they never knew what was coming. Andrea did not know their life wasn’t normal until she visited someone else’s home. She went on a camping trip with another family and it was heaven, she realised that she did not care to be at home. She then took on the role of protector. Louree was the baby, when the others could get out and hide from the abuse, she couldn’t fend  for herself in the same way. Things were lost by the time she was born. The divorce happened in 1984, then Wanda who has always been depressed and psychologically abusive did have an emotional breakdown. When Andrea started to stand up for her siblings, she got the most physical abuse from mom and dad. They were all terrified of their dad- he declined the Oprah Winfrey Show’s request to be interviewed.

Oprah asks the siblings what they feel their mother’s sentence should be. Andrea doesn’t think her mother should see the light of day ever again, as a mother and citizen herself. Louree says that her mom is getting the right medication which is a good thing, now that she had accepted her part in this after years of untreated metal illness. Derrick says he is undecided. The eldest daughter had a hard time believing that her mom had any part of the ordeal, until she pled guilty. As the oldest of 6, Rhonda had a different feeling for her mom, she was closer to her- she was the first one, the golden child. She doesn’t remember her mother being abusive to her, they did cooking and baking and Wanda made all their clothes. Oprah reiterates that each child in every family has a different experience within that family. They haven’t seen each other for a long time, they need to respect how they each feel with regards to their upbringing. Rhonda is trying to remember the good.

Wanda was married to their father for 21years, then she  remarried Brian David Mitchell the next year. Rhonda got a creepy feeling from the first hug. Derrick says that everyone got that same feeling from Mitchell’s stare and mannerisms. In a video,  Rhonda says that originally Wanda and Brian seemed to be a happy couple. Derrick says he looked normal, but was weird, he had odd mannerisms. Louree was forced to pray with the couple for 2-4 hours a day. Once Brian nudged her and showed her some photos of nude women, but she closed her eyes. Louree said it seems that he was trying to get her to participate with them that day. The final straw before she moved out came when she asked what was for dinner one day. Her mom said chicken. Neither mom nor Brian touched their food, they were kind of picking at a salad, but Wanda sat smiling. The next day when she went to feed her rabbit Peaches, she wasn’t there. She asked her mom where the rabbit was, and she was told that she’d eaten her last night for dinner.

Back in the studio, Oprah says sitting at the dinner table, finding out you’re eating your pet rabbit, when you’re 14 years old. Louree said she couldn’t stay any more, the rabbit was the final straw in the mental torment. The control was too much; the windows were screwed from the outside, the TV was locked to National Geographic, she had to work from age 12, or was expected to only do church activities. Oprah asked if it also felt weird to hug their father- Derrick said their father never hugged them. The family dispersed, and then watching TV they found out that there mother was suspected of kidnapping Elizabeth Smart.

Back in 1991, Derrick heard that his mom and Brian had hit the road to preach, in an attempt to get closer to god. Wanda disowned her children. When Derrick’s son was about 8 years old, they ran into Wanda and Brian in a parking lot, he tried to introduce his son to his grandmother, and Wanda and Brian completely ignored them. On the 4th July, Louree and her daughter saw Wanda and Brian sitting under a tree, she went over to ask her mom how she was doing. Wanda grabbed her face, screamed that her father was evil, and then yelled scriptures at Louree. Rhonda saw them once at the grocery store, wearing robes holding a sack of potatoes- she couldn’t believe what she saw. Oprah says its interesting that Derrick wanted to introduce his son to Wanda after everything that happened. He says he wanted to connect and hoped his son would be able to, but it wasn’t to be. Derrick learned of the Elizabeth Smart crime on TV – he saw Brian’s profile on America’s Most Wanted. All the ill-feelings he’d had towards Brian clicked just then, and he wanted to find him and bring him to justice. He wanted to drag him by his beard to the police station. He knew 100% their mother had to be involved. Andrea was helping her foster parents move, and was told- later that night she called the police and had an interiew. The whole family gave the police tips as to where Brian and Wanda might be found.

Oprah asks why they went after Elizabeth Smart?  Louree says that she thinks they wanted to start their own religious cult. Brian was power-hungry within the church  and he couldn’t go much further within the church, and he wanted more. Rhonda got a letter from her mother recently. Andrea and Louree don’t stay in communication with their mother, Derrick has received a couple of things but he’s thrown them away; it’s too little, too late. Rhonda as the oldest didn’t believe it at first, she thought that maybe Wanda was the victim, she never spoke up for herself. They saw Brian and Wanda at their grandparents funeral, just before the kidnapping. Brian was yelling and screaming repent, and Wanda was walking quietly beside him. They felt she just followed him. Rhonda thinks she’s his victim because she wants to be. Rhonda thinks her mother should share responsibility for her actions.

Rhonda reads from a recent letter which says Wanda has boundless love for all her kids. Wanda is so very sorry for the lives of abuse, and that they have had to live without a mother or grandmother to their children. It is Wanda’s constant prayer that each of them may find it in their heart to forgive their mother, each is so precious to her. Louree shakes her head. Rhonda and Andrea cry. Louree says it makes her sick, everyone wants a mother’s love, and Wanda was never a mother. It makes her angry that now it’s too late. Usually you get either a mother or father which loves you, and they had neither. Derrick says as children there was a taboo around mentioning their mother’s sickness, and that now after a lifetime of suffering, their mother is getting the treatment she needs but their is a chasm between them to bridge. They don’t know how to do it. Andrea says its hard when there is nothing to model off or build a foundation.  She feels that Wanda doesn’t deserve the title of mother. A mother should nurture, teach, rear, uplift, comfort and love your children unconditionally. Oprah agrees that it is the hardest job on the world when it is done well. Andrea has a 22 year old son and a 19 year old daughter. Her son is the same age as Elizabeth Smart. Two weeks or so before the kidnapping, Wanda and Brian turned up at Andrea’s door, to try and enlist her as another wife. It was an interesting experience and she asked them to leave. As an adult she was able to control her own environment in a way she couldn’t as a child. They had sat down and talked about their gospel and Brian’s part in it as a messenger, and how they really wanted Andrea to take part in it. Andrea asked them to leave and they got up. Wanda asked for a hug and Andrea refused and said no but you can have a nice life.

Oprah goes back to ask Louree about the praying and the nude pictures- was there any abuse from Brian? Louree says there was no abuse but there was innuendos, long hugs and shrugging up against her. Itw as very uncomfortable, she felt that even in a turtleneck, Brian would undress her with his eyes. It ws very uncomfortable. She says that Brian gave Wanda a little bit of power to see what she would do with it, and it trickled. Derrick says Andrea would have kicked Brian’s butt if he’d tried to abuse her.

On September 10th, 2008 Elizabeth Smart was interviewed on Oprah when she said her captors should be charged as guilty, and that if they got out they’d do it all over again. Oprah asks the family what they think when they see Elizabeth Smart. Andrea commends her for the person she is, all she has endured and all that she aspires to be. Andrea says that as adults we create our own realities, and that her mom and Brian created theirs and shouldn’t be set free. She feels Brian is competent to stand trial- she says they are both intelligent, calculating manipulators. If you look at the time frame, her sudden cooperation is to help herself.

Oprah asks how the sins of their mother  have affected their lives. Louree respects every instance of her life for making her who she is. It has made her much stronger as a mother, and very close to her children. Derrick had to evaluate who he was, to look back and realise he was on the wrong path. He had to learn responsibility and own his own mistakes. He couldn’t blame his background for where he was going.  Rhonda is unable to have any children of their own. She got a letter recently from her dad apologizing that she had to parent her siblings. Growing up she was left to watch her siblings a lot. She wants to believe her mom, she’s tried to have a relationship with her for all these years. It’s hard. She doesn’t know how a mother could give up 6 of her own children and kidnap someone else’s child. Shes missed  a lot with her kids, but they’ve all turned out pretty darn good given the circumstances. She says both her mom and dad must have done something right.

Oprah asks why they haven’t all seen each other. Andrea feels she cant move forward if she’s living in the past, so she needs to surround herself with support. Oprah asks if the differences between their stages of healing and belief keeps them apart. Andrea has had a lot of therapy. Louree says its hard to go back and live in the past- it has been crazy since the story broke, prior to that she kept her past to herself. Now she has to come out and talk about it, which is good she supposes. Everyone’s experience is different, but seeing her mother try and take knives to her wrist or try and drown herself in the tub so that the children could save her, could try and make her love them, was so hard. And it’s hard for the siblings to remake their relationship when they have been in a mode of  every day survival.

Louree got a dolls house when she was 5 and it was her favorite things, 2 weeks later it was gone. It was as if her mother got a sense of happiness from the children’s distress. Oprah asks if Louree ever worries about becoming her mother, with the depression and mental abuse and neglect. She says no, she is aware of the psychological department, she is well-educated but her awareness helps her stay away from it. Oprah says we all have levels of dysfunction in our families, even Oprah has had to say I can meet you where you are now, to not go back and want to change the past. Rhonda is at that point. Derrick has too much distance, he doesn’t know to overcome the disconnection. Andrea has no desire for contact. Being a mother she can’t conceptualize what her mother did. Louree knew a monster, but she can’t say she’d want a relationship with that person, Louree doesn’t know who her mother is now. Andrea feels that this way her mother no longer has control. Taking a stand for herslelf. She left home at 13 to go to a foster home. Since then she has had to deal with the guilt of removing the primary target from the home. She was taken out of the home by a church program. Their mother kicked them out on the streets but she bribed the 3 youngers back into the house to stop the talk on the streets that she was a bad mother- two of them refused to go back.

Rhonda has forgiven her mother, but she is not sure how honest her mom is being. From the letters she’s received, Rhonda feels that her mother wasn’t able to stick up for her kids in front of her father. Oprah says it is our mammalian instinct to protect and care for our children, when that doesn’t happen something is very wrong. Oprah wishes them all peace and says that Wada Barzee declined to be interviewed for the program. A statement issued from her attorney stating that she remains in treatment for her mental illness and is a defendant in two criminal cases. Therefore she is unable to engage in a dialogue or comment on the subject of the program. She hopes to continue mending relationships wherever possible as she proceeds through her serious and unique circumstance.

Thank you all for watching today.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Each child in every family has a different experience within that family.

As adults we create our own realities and must be responsible for them.

We have to learn responsibility for our own mistakes and not blame our backgrounds for where we are going.

We all have levels of dysfunction in our families.

It is hard to form and nurture relationships when you are in survival mode every day.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

It is our mammalian instinct to protect and care for our children, when that doesn’t happen something is very wrong.

Date: January 26th, 2010
File Under: Betrayal, Celebrity, Family, Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized

Episode 13: Denise Richards and Mrs Ted Haggard: Surviving a Public Scandal

Actress Denise Richard says she knows what you might think of her, she has been called all the names in the book. For the last five years she has just taken it – the stares, the comments, the speculation- and now she’s ready to speak her mind. At the time of her divorce she took the high road, she was advised to keep quiet, she hoped it would blow over and it didn’t- it escalated and got really, really bad.. She survived it and now she’s here to speak her piece, and to offer hope to any woman in her situation. Oprah clarifies that she means that literally, after all the anger and emotional struggle, Denise now has peace. Denise says she had so much emotional difficulties at the time that she would not have been able to talk about this while she was living it, but now she has distanced herself, and that she and Charlie are now in a great place.

Denise Richards was the beautiful Midwestern girl who set her sights on Hollywood. She became a Bond Girl, and 2 years later got together with Charlie Sheen. They were red capet regulars, but she filed for divorce when pregnant with her second child. The battle raged on for more than four years, with accusations of drugs, pornography and prostitutes, and allegations that she stole her best friend’s husband. Denies and Charlie have called a truce. But on Christmas morning in Aspen Colorado, Charlie’s wife of 20 months, Brooke, called police saying that he had  threatened her with a  knife. They have twin baby boys. Denise got a collect call on Christmas Day from jail, her first reaction was is he ok? He told her that he and Brooke had got into a fight and Brooke called the cops, but he wanted to say Merry Christmas to the girls, Sammy and Lola. He called again when he got out of jail. Oprah recalls that he threatened Denise, as written in the divorce documents. Denise takes a deep breath and says that he was abusive at times. She can’t lie- he was abusive and threatening – there were times with much verbal abuse, which got very scary. He never hit her but he would push or shove her. It’s public knowlege that she had a restraining order against him because of this. She told Charlie she was coming on the show, she told him she would be honest, but there are some things she won’t reveal. Does Denise think he has a problem with managing his temper and with the way he treats her and his current wife? Yes, says Denise. He has a very sharp tongue- he played on Denise’s insecurities, which she acknowledges that we all do in relationships . Oprah interrupts to say that it is interesting that Denise said he never hit her, and so many women use the “he never hit me” calling card yet they cower in intimidation and manipulation. Denise says it’s easy to judge when you are on the outside. Denise loved him, she wanted it to work- she doesn’t love him now, he’s not the person she married. She cares for him and would help him out if necessary because he is her daughters father. There were some very dark times, with humiliation, particularly when she filed the restraining order. She was scared, embarrassed, terrified. She didn’t have any inkling when they married that the relationship would be volatile. He was 3 years sober when they met, which she admired, she thought that his past was in the past. Did she feel put upon because alot of the press was labelling her as a golddigger and man-stealer, when he was being threatening and abusive? Denise says it was very, very difficult, and she hit rock-bottom. This is a sad situation, he now has two baby boys and they have a Dad in jail for Christmas, but perhaps people can understand what she went through. She’s not sure that she feels vindicated. As the show goes to commercial break, there is a written and spoken disclaimer that Charlie Sheen has repeatedly denied Denise Richards’ allegations of abuse.

This is Denise Richard’s first time speaking out since the Christmas arrest, but they have got to a good place together. Oprah asks how good that place will be after this show and Denise laughs and says it depends how much they talk about- she says they’ve gotten through worse with a lot of work. Their daughters did not ask to be born into a hostile situation- she and Charlie started to see  a mediator,- so to be able to have an early dinner together on New Year, is important for the kids who don’t deserve this stuff. Denise’s dad in the audience says it’s so frustrating- he respects his daughter for trying to makie it work but was angry at her for repeatedly going back. She kept going back because their oldest was 9 months and she was 6 months pregnant when she filed for divorce. She did it for the kids, she did not want this life for them. She was terrified for her own life. When she filed for divorce, they had had a very big argument, the next day he went to work and she packed a suitcase and took her 9 month old and went straight to an attorneys office. She was terrified and relieved that she had the strength to do it. When she heard he was remarrying, she had very much moved on- it was impossible to make her marriage work- she hopes he is different. Brooke is her daughters step-mom so she wants it to be a healthy relationship for everyone.

Oprah asks her how she felt when the tabloids called her a husband-stealer, what happened there? Richie was single when they were both going through their divorces. It started as a friendship, they leaned on each other and both had parents that were ill. Oprah asks if she knows the rule that the best friends husband is off limits rule, whatever the circumstances may be? Denise says that she was friends with Heather, but they weren’t best friends, and if they been friends then she would have never crosssed that line; Richie would have been off limits. The friendship was done, they weren’t friends anymore. She had mixed feelings, she was embarrassed and could feel the other mothers staring at her. Doing Mommy and Me and preschool runs was humiliating. She is now in a good place herself. Her 4 and 5 year old daughters are her pillars. Their favorite presents were their American Girl dolls- they were spoiled at Christmas. She did tell them about their Dad- a kid in kindergarten asked her 5 year old if her Daddy was still in jail. Oprah says theat kindergarten ain’t what it used to be. She asks if she is comfortable for Charlie to be with the girls, does she trust him? Denise says yes after a long pause. She says it’s up and down, a work in progress. Oprah asks if that means she didn’t trust him at some point; Denise says it was challenging. Many people said she was being manipulative and controlling, but she did what any parent in their right mind would have done. It is about the girls. Oprah asks if it’s his temper, what is it? Denise says it’s a combination of a lot of things, and Denise has always been about keeping the girls safe and healthy. Oprah says that Denise is not going to tell her what it is, as “a lot of things” is not an answer. Denise says she is starting to sweat. Oprah says Denise should only say what she feels comfortable with, but she wants Denise to know that it’s a lot isn’t an answer. Denise looks to her Dad and says everyone has read certain things, and that everyone must agree that some of those things are not appropriate for children. She can’t control Charlie or Brooke or what goes on in their home, but what she can control is the situation in her own home and keep her girls safe. Oprah leaves it at that because Denise is uncomfortable, but she says that all the things we read about prostitution, pornography and drugs are not appropriate for children. Oprah wishes Denise the best and thanks Denise for coming on the show. As the show goes to commercial break, a disclaimer says that Charlie Sheen denies that he threatened his wife Brooke with a knife, and that Brooke and Charlie want to work on their issues. He goes to trial in February.

It’s all too common; a well known, widely respected man is caught in a very public scandal, then steps forward and admits doing something wrong while his wife stands stoically by his side. Ted Haggard and his wife Gail were on the show last January after his shocking secret life was exposed – he was a powerhouse evangelist with 30 million followers, charismatic and influential, a rising star, until the sex scandal. On the show he said he wasn’t gay, but a heterosexual with homosexual attachments, as diagnosed by his first therapist. In 2006 a former male escort claimed a 3 year sexual relationship that included payment for sex and crystal meth. The details were sordid and humiliating. It was not an emotional relationship, it was strictly for sex. Ted initially denied everything, he said he never did drugs nor did he have a gay relationship, ever. Gail initially believed him but the story began to fall apart. He admitted that he called the other man for meth, for himself, but never used it. He eventually admitted to using drugs and sexual immorality. He said to Gail that he was toxic, so poisonous, that she should divorce him. Why did she stay? Gail is here and has written a new book called Why I Stayed.

Oprah read it last night and then this morning had an epiphany; she decided to approach this interview with no judgement; judge not lest ye be judged. Her conclusion is that Gail loves this man in a way that Oprah has never loved, Oprah is independent and has always made her own decisions and can’t therefore imagine ever being in the situation where someone could betray her and she would stay. It is unimaginable to her, yet Oprah can see that coming where Gail came from, Oprah can see how Gail could do it.

Gail is glad that Oprah doesn’t want to judge her- she would say that she is strong and independent and that these were her choices. She felt that the betrayal could lead to greater strength. On page 108 of her book, Gail asks if the fault lays with her- was she not enough, not attractive , not fun, not sexually satisfying enough? Gail says that most women would ask herself those questions when faced with infidelity , would ask if they failed somehow, would ask what’s wrong with me? Gail asked herself those questions then asked Ted those questions. He answered that this was his problem, not hers, and that she was enough. Oprah asks if this would be the same if the infidelities were with women? That for some women it’s easier if the man was gay. Gail says the dynamics were different, another woman would make her feel that she definitely wasn’t enough; it raises a whole different set of challenges. Oprah says another man means there’s nothing you can do about it, which can make it easier. Gail thinks that the whole woman thing would have been different challenges, but the same principles.

Oprah asks for clarification; knowing that her husband had had relationships with men in the past, why did Gail believe him when he denied a relationship? Gail says she really did believe it becasue she was too naive, there were hints. After Jonathan, their special needs son was born, Ted came to her and said that there had been an incident the previous year that he needed to share. It involved another man, it wasn’t a sexual relationship, but it was a somewhat sexual encounter that had happened when he was a graduate student in a bookstore in another city. He determined to get out of grad school and never go back, and went to see a counselor that day. He carried so much guilt that he didn’t reveal the incident for a year, a year and a half. Oprah asks if the admission of an encounter of any kind plants the seed  that he is interested in men. Yes, it did. This happened over 25 years ago. Gail understands that we all have struggles and weaknesses in our life- but if she heard that now it would have  been a huge sign for her. Then she was naive to the gravity of the situation. She wanted to deal with it and believed that he had dealt with it, and that was why she was so staggered when the situation came out.

Its been just over 3 years since Ted Haggard was brought down by a gay sex scandal. Ted joins us. Gail writes on page 67 of the day she decided to stay in the marriage. Ted reached out for her in bed, and her heart broke, and she began her journey of choosing to love. Ted, literally, cried when he read that. He realised that so many others would have withdrawn, justifiably so, and maybe just put him out. Oprah asks her what made her choose- it was the first night that he had confessed that parts of the allegations were true. Ted was already in bed, when she slowly went to bed. Oprah is outraged that he was in the bed, that he was allowed to be there, and that Gail went to join him. Ted says that’s why the book is so incredible, to see Gail making so many choices to keep there family together.  Gail clarifies that she had a sense of betrayal and had a sense of revulsion, but she fell back on what mattered in her marriage, the things she believed about her husband. It was a secret, she hates secrets, it was very painful for her; she wanted to know the truth and know her husband. But she knows what kind of man he is, the good that he’s done and the wonderful parts of their marriage. and she’s not willing to let go of that. Sharing her epiphany, Oprah says to Ted that Gail really loves her. Ted says yes she really loves him, this woman is deeply infatuated with him, she loves him, which is an incredible thing. Gail says its more than infatuation, she really loves him. Ted says its incredible for a woman to love a man the way Gail loves him, he doesn’t deserve it, it’s a gift she has given him, and that he is so grateful.

Oprah asks Gail if she trusts him as much as she loves him? Gail says this is her answer: Rebuilding trust, she had the confidence that he was faithful to her, and that she could believe what he said. Ted felt that when the scandal happened it became his responsibility to do  things so she could trust him. He took lie detector tests, he’s super accountable, he calls her constantly. He makes sure she has no doubt about where he is, so that Gail can deal with her fears reasonably. He makes it his resonsibility, he doesn’t expect blind trust. The rules he lives by are

1 He answers everything. He Tweets and Facebook’s his schedule for Gail and the public.

2. If he goes anywhere alone, he calls Gail when he gets there and when he leaves, and informs her of any adjustments of schedule

He says he stepped up and decided to do this, rather than have rules imposed by Gail, which would feel very different. He’ll mask it by asking if she wants anything from the grocery store as he’s leaving, so it doesn’t feel like checking in with his parole officer. He realises he also violated his children’s trust. If he travels and Gail can’t go, for whatever reason, something like the children or whatever, then he stays in the pastor’s home, not in a hotel. No one imposed that on him, he does it himself, it’s not a contract or anything like that. Oprah asks if he does it so that he can be trusted by them or if he doesn’t trust himself? Ted says that always when people have been in any behaviour like that, there is a chance of a problem. Ted trusts himself but step number 1 in the 12 step program encourages us to never think that we are immune. Oprah asks if the 12-step program got him through this process? He says it helped, and he’s still in counselling for other (non-sexual) issues, other things. The biggest thing that helped him was therapy, since that time he’s not had one compulsive thought or behaviour. Oprah asks if he feels he’s heterosexual and he says oh yeah, we have a lot of evidence. He laughs, Gail doesn’t. Oprah asks, and he clarifies that he no longer has any homosexual issues.

Oprah asks Gail what if he comes to her and says he’s slipped up? Gail says it’s a day she hopes never happens, but realistically she has to be prepared for that. She thinks her heart is not ready for that at this point, but she believes that the principles that got her through before could get her through again. Oprah asks if the marriage is stronger and better; Gail says absolutely. Gail loves him more now after they’ve  walked through these difficulties together and she knows his weaknesses. Before she felt she couldn’t get close enough to him, there was a wall she couldn’t get past, and once they started this process, once the huge lights were shining on her husband  they were able to get behind the wall and walk through that and that gave her more love for Ted. Gail’s book is out today, thank you Gail, thank you Ted.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Despite denials, Charlie Sheen is most likely threatening and abusive

Most people would agree that drugs, pornography and prostitutes are not appropriate for children

If Gail Haggard’s husband had been unfaithful with women, there would have been different challenges, but the same principles of recovery.

To avoid all trust issues with oneself and others, stay in the pastor’s house rather than a hotel.

Therapy can work to reverse all homosexual impulses and feelings.

A VERY CONCISE SUMMARY:

Drugs and sexual immorality can lead to a stronger, better marriage with more love.

Date: January 25th, 2010
File Under: Celebrity, Entertainment, Family, Marriage, Relationships
1 comment

Episode 12: Rosie O’Donnell: Life After The Breakup and Her New Love

It’s been a long time since the Oprah Winfrey Show has heard from Rosie, come on out. They hug. Oprah admires her hair, and Rosie says she had to do the menopause cut at the back… she cut the underneath of her hair to avoid the thick-hair-sweat issue. They are both angry that no-one told them about menopause, about how it would be- Rosie hit menopause at 41, Oprah at 50. Suzanne Sommers called Rosie after seeing her on the show and advised her to take bio-identical hormones, and it changed her whole life. She doesn’t do everything Suzanne does, not 7 million pills and a shot in the vajayjay- Rosie takes a prescription cream. For a while she had a brillo moustache from the progesterone- she became The Lunch Lady, who didn’t remove it because she couldn’t see it. She feels alot better and younger now- Oprah interrupts to say that’s a topic for a whole new show.

It’s been 13 years since she was last on the show, but she did call Oprah once at 2 in the morning, crying after Columbine saying that they have to form a union to save the children of the world. Oprah was so good, telling her to breathe. Oprah realised that that tragedy affected different people in different ways. Rosie says when she first started her show she had a delusion of fame that the power of fame could stop bad things from happening- she felt she could get the other superhero media women together to change things, to make the world a better place. Rosie says that Oprah plays a central role in the movie of Rosie’s life, but Oprah doesn’t realise that she’s cast in it.

Oprah asks where Rosie has been the last couple of years, and Rosie says she’s been at home trying to figure out what to do with the second part of her life. Her mother died at age 40, so Rosie spent her whole life thinking she would only live to be 40. Her goal was to do everything she could by 40 then retire and wait to be told she was going to die. And yet every year her mammogram is clear. Rosie got divorced, although she and Kelly were in the first group to be married and it was annulled so they didn’t need a divorce as such. Rosie says that a lesbian divorce is a different paprdigm- the emotional connection remains. Every woman but one of Rosie’s past relationships is still in her life. They prioritise looking after the kids, they are the focus, that is what it is about. Oprah asks why they broke up. Rosie says that what they wanted and and needed at 30/ 35 and 40/ 45 changed. They did not grow apart, they both came back to being their authentic selves. When they met they were very wrapped up in their careers, and fame. For the last two years, she was at home painting and spending alot of time alone. She took her show as a job, with the aim of being at home with her children. She finds it impossible that fame doesn’t corrupt people, it is a toxic drug. Oprah agrees that it is a drug, but says that she hasn’t been drugged by it. Rosie didn’t realise until she was done with her show. She did alot of charity work, and her son asked why she didn’t stay home and take care of them instead of running out to compulsively raise money for charity. Oprah says that in the last 5 years, fame has become an obsession. Rosie agrees that as a nation we have become obsessed with fame, so that trivial news such as who she’s dating can be a headline on CNN.

Video footage shows Rosie’s guesthouse in New York state, where she has made a radio studio, The best part of her gig is that she can wear pajamas. She does a radio show with her kids. Back in the studio, Oprah says Rosie has a new radio show and an HBO documentary about families. Oprah asks what she has learned from her kids now, the oldest of whom is 14. Rosie said she has had to learn alot lately, especially with the idea of co-parenting, Her whole life she has wanted to be a mother, a full-time mother. They co-parent and spend equal time together with the kids. The kids are free-flowing, some are always here and there. Kelly lives close by, but not quite in the same town. One night when she was crying, her son said calm down mom, I’ll always be your son, no matter where I am. Rosie always wanted to be a family with a mom who stayed. She could do the things she could only dream of as a child- provide matching socks, clean underwear. She was raised with love, compassion and grace by  a community of women with no blood relation- the neighbor women. Sadly her mother’s death was never talked about- Rosie never said out loud that her mother died until she was at college. Oprah is sure that affected her – Rosie says she’s almost annoying to her kids by asking what are you feeling? Should we talk? She wants her kids to remember that family is forever, change is inevitable and you can always survive it, that you can survive unexpected huge challenges. She hopes to teach them by doing it herself; that there is always something new in the future and you don’t now what that might be, but it has the potential for tremendous joy and to remember what was without the pain of what it is not now.

Despite the divorce, they do all the monumental events together- first day at school, the red carpet… The documentary is about family, and truth is what works for her and her family. She has been working for the last 2 years on “A Family is a Family, is a Family: A Rosie O’Donnell Celebration of Love”, an HBO documentary. They play an extract from the documentary, Rosie is talking with her daughter, about how a family is forever and family is love. Oprah asks why Rosie wanted to make that documentary? She says that she had been a rolemodel for the gay/ lesbian community, and she wanted to be honest in this documentary- gay families are just like other families, and divorce happens. It’s been the most painful experience of her adult life.

Rosie started in stand-up, then became most famous in her 6 year stint hosting the Rosie O’Donnell Show starting in 1996 , where she got 11 Emmy’s. She quit to spend more time with her family, then in 2006 returned to daytime television as a co-host on The View. Ratings soared and so did the controversy. It all came to a head with a heated political debate with co-host Elizabeth Hasselback. They’d had a friendship and it didn’t ring true. Rosie decided she’d had enough. Rosie asked Elizabeth how she felt about her comrades on Fox, where Hasselback is a commentator, calling Rosie un-American and saying she didn’t care about the troops. Elizabeth said she wasn’t going to defend her. Rosie said they were friends, and that Elizabeth had been to her house, and that what viewers saw were her hurt feelings and betrayal. Oprah asks if that’s why she didn’t come back- Rosie says that the producers had pre-prepared a split-screen. Rosie knew that and felt that she had been manipulated. She doesn’t feel that the best use of her talent is arguing and fighting. Living legend Barbara Walters was the person who’s show it was, it was not Rosie’s show. They play a clip of Barbara Walter’s on the Oprah Show, saying Rosie is loving and wonderful but had a moment of pure rage in the dressing room once that she didn’t want to talk about.

Oprah had read in Rosie’s Book, Celebrity Detox, about the incident. Rosie had made fun of Donald Trump’s hair. Oprah reads from the book saying that if Rosie stands up after a confrontation, it is because her rage is too big for her body. Rosie  says she stood up,  said a lot of terrible things and regretfully she says she scared Barbara Walters. Rosie regrets that moment because no one speaks to Barbara that way. They liken Walters to the queen; Oprah says she is the queen. Rosie was demanding an emotional connection.They think that maybe Rosie was projecting stuff onto her; Rosie says she didn’t think Barbara was her mother, but anyone in that age range, she has reverence for. Rosie was hurt because she felt Barbara should have come to her defense and she didn’t. Rosie tries to teach her children, her 12 year old, what are you feeling? She tries to show her children what their feelings are. If she had been braver, at that moment she would have just cried. Oprah says that is so interesting- when crying is so often perceived as the weak thing to do, why does Rosie say it would be braver? Because it would have been authentic, the true feeling . Rosie’s armour is to stand up and shout. She did go home and cried, alot. Kelly would say to her that she has to get her feelings under control. She is lucky that in her business she can express those emotions but sometimes she gets overwhelmed. Oprah asks how it healed her, the process. Rosie says you get to face yourself over and over, that you evolve and at some point the stories have to change. There are so many stories; by telling the same one over and over you define yourself in the past. What has healed Rosie is a willingness to step out of her history and into her present. Now she can live more authentically, she can speak without putting her guard up.

Rosie’s video blog has quite a following. That’s how she met Tracy- she wrote on the blog asking if she wanted to trade art. Rosie looked her up, she’s an artist and a  single lesbian mom of 6 – 5 adopted from foster care and 1 she birthed with down syndrome. She’s a doula, surfer, gardener, recycler, works for gay foster care rights… Rosie wrote to her and asked if she was for real or a joke. She was the perfect match for Rosie’s wants. Her big heart appealed to Rosie. Rosie invited her to Miami, she didn’t even know if it was a date. They had never spoken, nor had she seen her. Tracy got out of the car and Rosie said zoinks, because she is absolutely gorgeous. They are moving to live together, they are going to blend the families. Rosie says her kids know her. When she told her oldest about Tracy, he said it sounds pretty perfect. Rosie is very happy, and it’s not that Kelly made her unhappy, it’s just that they wanted different things at different times.

Oprah asks her to reveal something that she’s never revealed. Rosie says that’s hard, that she tends to tell everything, almost too much- in her book she says she told how she used to self-injure as a child. That’s a tough thing to say, but a important one. She understands how you feel the need to make a physical pain to override the emotional pain. Right now, her secret, she is not wearing underpants.

Oprah asks if Rosie has healed some of the rage? Yes, but it took a long time and self acceptance and understanding that you can choose to see the  glass as half empty or half full. Whenever she teaches that lesson to her kids, she relearns  it for herself. Oprah advises every family to watch the family documentary on HBO on January 31st. Oprah and Rosie both have a radio series on Sirius FM; Rosie bought a Sirius radio or everyone in the audience. The audience  go wild. Goodbye everybody.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Menopausal hot-sweat discomfort for those with thick hair can be eased with the right haircut.

Fame corrupts. Fame is a toxic drug.

Family is forever, change is inevitable and you can always survive it,  you can survive unexpected huge challenges

There is always something new in the future and you don’t know now what that might be, but it has the potential for tremendous joy, without the pain of the present.

Crying is not weak; it is brave, authentic and true.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

What has healed Rosie is a willingness to step out of her history and into her present

Date: January 14th, 2010
File Under: Family, Grief, Looking for love, Relationships

Episode 5: Nate Teams Up with the Millionaire Matchmaker

41 year old Robin’s plea was to be helped out by Nate Berkus. She was the homecoming princess, she always had a boyfriend: who knew she’d end up a single cat lady?  She feels she still looks good but she is picky. She’s given up hope, she is thinking of getting another cat to bring home to the three she already has. She needs Nate, “please Oprah send him to me” she implores.

Nate comes out to wild applause. Oprah says he smells good. They speak of the three cat limit, how a line is crossed beyond that. Oprah tells us that Nate is very straight talking in matters of the heart, but he has never done matchaking so he called in Patti Stanger, a third generation matchmaker. She is on Bravo TV’s The Matchmaker. Patti and Nate team up to help Robin. They look at her man-wishlist. She wants smart and unmarried, she says quitting is not an option, she doesn’t want someone’s ex. Patti and Nate disagree- the best kept secret is the divorced man because they can commit; 90% will stay second time around. Robin does not want a man who drinks out of a straw- Patti and Nate say this can’t be on the dealbreaker list. Dealbreaker’s include religion and politics, not straws. Robin says she can be intense, maybe it scares men away. Patti thinks this is scary, like Robin is interviewing for her new husband- the men pick up on her vibration. Oprah implies that Robin’s vibration is like a panting, no-straw repeating dog.

Robin doesn’t understand why she is still single. Her new dating coaches say it may have something to do with her expectations. Nate reads from her huge list of requirements including no Facebook page, no kids, no straw-drinking; good-looking, athletic, generous, no smoking, likes sweets, handy, with a big family he loves and  success in all he does. Robin doesn’t believe this man exists. Patti and Nate say this list shows the girl is too high maintenenace. Patti doesn’t want her to miss out on a great opportunity because of the list. Nate thinks she has added so many items to the list to counteract previous disappointments. Oprah says that the person on the wish list does exist and his name is Jesus. The crowd go wild. Robin was asked to narrow the list down to five attributes. She picks honest, smart, passionate, funny/ silly and successful. Successful could mean money, Robin thinks she could potentially be comfortable if she earned more money than the man, like if he was a teacher and loved it despite it being a badly paid profession.

Patti forced Robin to choose the dealbreaker’s, the values. This is not about lowering expectations- this is a person with frailties; Robin is not buying a car or ordering a pizza. Patti says that people think that they order from a wishlist and God will deliver it tomorrow. We need to reprogram our brain to think that the man is alive and out there. Dating should be fun, not a dentist visit. You are not human resources, stop interviewing. Women looking for men should go skiing, men outnumber women 5-1 and they are rich; you don’t have to ski just sit in the lodge and drink the hot toddies. Most guys go skiing alone, with their buddies.

Robin goes out on a date while Patti and Nate are staking them out in a van outside the restaurant. Robin meets Rick while the coaches are in the surveillance van. Everyone is smiling. Rick looks at the wine list and Robin says she’ll actually have a beer. Rick is happy that she’s having a beer- Patti says that’s excellent, it shows that she is low maintenance, Rick says something very similar. Nate observes that Robin drinks from the bottle yet has a straw issue. They send her a note from the van saying that she’s doing well, then later one saying let your hair down. She tells the guy what they want and  he says she should work with them. Nate and Patti say she is dumbing herself down in the conversation. They send her a note asking to meet her in the bathroom, where she says Rick is too old- she guesses he is probably her age. She wants someone in their thirties. Back in the studio they discuss with Oprah that she was being too cutesy, and dumbing herself down. Robin feels that men her age are too old- they have old hearts or old spirits and Robin is young at heart. Oprah says that something peculiar happens to men in their fiftiess, but not in their forties’s. They discuss the issue that she wants someone unmarried but those she meets are set in their ways. She wants a man in his mid-thirties and Oprah says that those men want women in their twenties.

Patti told Nate that the person asking the questions is the one who is pursuing. Oprah tells Robin that this isn’t the hotseat, but rather the warm and fuzzy Oprah show. Robin is representative of the millions of single women watching the show. Oprah says she hated the taking down of the hair, that it was too overt, too contrived. Patti felt the conversation was drifting and that the only way to shift that was sexually. Oprah says she literally was trying to perk things up. Patti wants Robin to know that she is amazing and she’ll help Robin find someone in the real world, off-camera. Patti has a newly released book.

It has been five years since Nate experienced loss in the tsunami in the Indian Ocean. When the disaster struck, Nate was right in the middle of it. He and his partner were  vacationing. Miraculously, Nate lived through the catastrophe but Fernando did not. A few weeks later Nate came on the air and talked about his experience, his tragedy. He and Fernando were carried out to the water, where Fernando slipped away. Oprah says it has been five years, and asks Nate how the grief process has been. He says that when Oprah came to his house he couldn’t find any reason to get out of bed. He had daily therapy, Oprah asks if it taught him more about himself. He says he is unrecognisable to the person he used to be.

In 1996, Angela and Jeff had a two year old, Bryce, and the they found out they were having twins. Eric and Aaron were unseparable; as newborns they held hands. They were always together, having fun. When the twins were six, Angela and Jeff noticed a change in Eric, he would fall down the stairs. He was diagnosed with a  benign brain tumour. The radiation therapy shrunk the tumour, but it later came back as cancer and Eric died when he was nine. Aaron didn’t do well at all, all he did at school was cry. Aaron says he didn’t feel like life, he was going through the motions, but not really living. Aaron would write notes to Eric to tell him what he was doing. Nate went to their house to do a business plan, but he recognised himself in Eric. Nate called the Oprah Show and said this story is not about a business plan, it is about grief and grieving.

Nate says he can see that the parents are doing their best to keep the family together. Angela feels it just doesn’t go away, some days she has to be under the covers. Some days just stick in her face that he’s gone. Nate says that December, the month of the tsunami and August, the month of Fernando’s birthday were horrorible. Then he realised that the dates have no power. The memory has the power and the memory could come whenever, thus Nate took the power back. Angela tells Oprah that this advice really helped her. Oprah remembers that Camille Cosby said after her son was murdered that everyone has to walk through the fire at some time, that we have to walk right through it.

Oprah knows many of us have struggled through grief. Eric’s depression got so bad that he said he didn’t want to be here anymore. They went to the family paediatrician. The doctor tells Nate that Aaron was unrecognisable. She asked him what he likes to do, he said cook, so the doctor gave him $20 and told him to cook for his brother, and that she was an investor and needed a business plan. A week later he returned to the doctor with a tray of cookies and a big smile. He pays his big brother $2 a day to help out and he gives a portion of his proceeds to the charities that helped Eric.

Oprah says the story is beautiful but  she is crying because the doctor did not just put Eric on anti-depressants. God Bless You she says. That is amazing. Angela noticed a change immediately. Aaron got a sense of pride and self-esteem. He thinks of his brother with every cookie he makes. His favourite cookie is inspired by Paula Dean, his favorite chef, the recipe: chocolate gooey butter cookies. In comes Paula Dean with a tray of cookies and hugs Eric. She hugs Angela and Oprah.

Paula Dean, Food Network superstar, built her empire from working out of home cooking up lunches. She turned to her kitchen when she lost her parents. Only in the kitchen would she be able to forget about her loss. She says Aaron can go to the kitchen and celebrate his brother’s life and make his brother proud. Nate recounts the kitchen challenges they have at home- they’ve been through five mixers, the oven is broken and they broke a wooden spoon. Paula remembers she broke a bowl on the Oprah Show. Lowe’s donates a $10,000 gift card to Aaron to outfit the kitchen for his business. The audience each get a $100 gift card. And Lowe’s will donate to two of Aaron’s favourite charities for each gift card that is purchased between now and Valentine’s Day, with a guaranteed donation of $125,000 each to Casey Cares and Make A Wish.

Paula and Nate have cooked up one more surprise for Aaron, they are going to fly him to Georgia to get a behind the scenes look at how Paula’s business works. They look at Paula’s brand new heels that aren’t even hers. Oprah thanks everyone.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

There is a three cat limit, beyond this a line has been crossed

The best-kept dating secret is the divorced man

When dating you are not Human Resources: stop interviewing

In grief, the date does not have the power, the memory has the power

In the kitchen, one can be creative and temporarily forget loss

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Finding a partner is not the same as buying a car or ordering a pizza.

« Older Entries