Archive for category Grief

Date: April 3rd, 2010
File Under: Celebrity, Grief

Episode 46: Janet Jackson and Tyler Perry

Since her brother Michael’s shocking death, Janet Jackson has been very guarded about her feelings. But now she says she’s in a new place, with a fresh perspective 9 months later, she’s drawing on all that she has been through and is putting herself out there in a way we’ve never seen before.

We all remember where we were when we heard the news, the world was stunned when we heard of the shocking death of Michael Jackson. Several days later, younger sister Janet spoke on behalf of the family. At the time of his death, Janet had just started production on her latest film, Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too? You can feel the pain and raw emotion in Janet’s performance. Welcome Janet Jackson.

They hug. Oprah says that every woman needs a golf club now and then, referring to the scene in the film. Janet says that it felt nice. On the first take she broke the club and it hit her in the ankle and it hurt. Really, says Oprah. Oprah says that obviously Janet was in character but had to use her own self and emotions. Janet says that she used her own pent up emotions and it was very therapeutic. Oprah says that we all remember where we were when we heard the news about Michael, it’s one of those seminal moments in history. Janet was at home in New York, she got a call from her assistant who said that there was something on TV about Michael being ill. She called home and reached her sister Latoyah, her nephew and her brother Jermaine. They were all on their way to the hospital. She can’t remember who she called back to see how he was doing, but then she was told that he had passed. Oprah reiterated that in Janet’s statement after the death, she said that to the world he was an icon, but to them, he was family. Does it feel surreal? Janet says that it is still hard to believe, not a day goes by when they don’t think about him. Oprah asks who in the audience has seen This Is It? Some of the audience applaud. Janet has not seen it and doesn’t know if she will ever be able to watch it. She had to turn away at the clip. Oprah says that it was great to see him in process and it’s great fro fans to have that document. He did look awfully thin and didn’t seem to be the Michael that we’d known in the past, says Oprah. Was Janet and the family aware of a problem? Janet gave her parents a surprise party a month before and they knew he had a problem, as he was thin then. They had tried interventions but he didn’t think that he had a problem. Of course they were all worried, but he was in denial. The last time she wasn’t able to attend, but everyone else was there. Oprah was at an intervention once and says that it is remarkable, it is like being bombarded with love, with everyone trying to reach out. Janet says that she had to leave once, she was so overwhelmed with emotion she had to walk out the room, it was too much for her to handle. What people were saying, and knowing him and hearing what everyone said, and knowing that he had a problem but seeing the denial. We have to remember that a lot of Janet’s relationships have had problems with addiction so she knows something about it. Its difficult when you recognize it because she has dealt with it with past relationships. Oprah says that some reports said that Michael was severely depressed before he died, does Janet think that was true, because we can’t tell because he was such a consummate performer, and that he was most himself when on stage? Janet says that she thinks you have to be to get to that place. Oprah says that we all know how lack of sleep affects us, how we feel when we haven’t slept for a couple of days. In Feb, Los Angeles prosecutors charged Dr Conrad Murray with involuntary manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson. They say that he administered a lethal dose of Propofol, a powerful operating room anaesthetic which actually killed Michael. He pled not guilty to the charges and has returned to practice. Oprah asks if Janet blames the doctor for Michael’s death. Yes she does. He is the one that was administering the drug from what she knows. Oprah asks about the children. Janet says that they are well. Oprah says that for years Michael protected them and kept them out of the public eye and it is interesting that wherever they go now, to the store or to get an ice cream cone the paparazzi are there, how are they handling that? They are ok, all her nieces and nephews are ok , says Janet. It is difficult, there father passed but they are dealing with it. Thank God they have their family around and all their cousins, some of whom are very close in age. Are they being raised as Jehovah’s Witnesses asks Oprah? No, they used to go to the Kingdom Hall, Michael would take them from time to time. Oprah says that in the religion you don’t celebrate birthdays or holidays, so she wonders how Janet feels with them being raised Jehovah’s Witnesses.; how Michael would feel about that? They do celebrate birthdays says Janet, they do celebrate Christmas, it was a foundation. They do get to celebrate birthdays.

They show footage of Janet awarding the Lifetime Achievement Grammy Award to Michael, seventeen years ago. Oprah notices that Janet can’t watch it. Janet says that she can’t watch images of him or listen to his music

Isn’t it hard says Oprah because you cant be in Los Angeles, without seeing billboards everywhere? Oprah was in LA before This Is It came out there were adverts everywhere. Janet says it was hard, she had to keep looking away. Oprah asks Janet when she is able to go the space, the warmest place with thoughts about him, what are those thoughts? Janet says that when they were kids, how much fun they had together. They spent all day together. She can look at the photos of them as kids, it takes her to that place where they were as kids, she has a beautiful photo of them as babies in her home. They take her to that place she missed even when he was here. Oprah asks when she began to lose him as a brother? Janet replies around the time of Thriller, she wound up getting into music and left home and he was still at home. They still kept in touch. Oprah asks if Janet was the closest to him in the family- growing up, yes, says Janet. Oprah asks if she was still able to give him advice as the younger sister? Once in a while, Janet says he’d look at her and say what, and she’d know he didn’t want to hear it. But he listened. Oprah reiterates that Janet is able to be surrounded by earlier memories because that was a different time. She mostly remembers his laughter. The last time she saw him was two days before her birthday at the surprise party. She was being silly like they did as kids and he was looking at her just cracking up. The last thing they said was I love you. That’s a good thing, says Oprah. Yes, says Janet.

At the time of Michael’s death, Janet was filming with Tyler Perry, who said he could see Janet channel her emotions into the role. Come on out Tyler Perry.

The crowd goes wild, Tyler kisses them both. Oprah says that she doesn’t know how to introduce him anymore, he is so all of that and everything. Your friend says Tyler. Obviously you had contacted Janet with the movie script and written the script with the golf club scene, which people thought was a Tiger Woods thing, says Oprah. He says he wrote it long before there were any golf clubs in the news. Oprah says that he says that Janet channeled her emotions into the scene. Tyler says that Janet is extremely private with regards to her family and they spoke of intervention but that he will not speak of it more than she wants her to, but that he wants to tell everyone that they really tried so hard. Oprah says that its really important to say for Janet’s family and the millions out there dealing with abuse, that the perception was that Michael had been enabled. Oprah thought when she heard it, who loved him, as she has participated in an intervention. Tyler knows that Janet is very private but he wants to make sure that everyone knows how hard they tried. Oprah says that it is hard to do when a person is in denial, but it is extremely hard to do when they are in denial and have power and money. But you never give up says Janet. Oprah asks Janet if she was shocked when she heard he was gone from drugs. Janet always felt that day could come, everyone feels that when they have a family member struggling with drugs. Which is your fear, which is why you do an intervention, says Oprah.

In his latest film, Tyler Perry reunites with Janet Jackson for Why Did I Get Married Too? Where four couples meet in the Bahamas for their annual get-together, but soon there is trouble in paradise, secrets are uncovered and everything unravels. There you go, says Oprah. Ok. Oprah asks if it has hard for Janet to cry on cue? Not that week, says Tyler, not really says Janet it’s been easy since she was a kid. That’s really…really, says Oprah. Tyler says that the first movie was so much fun and they really wanted to see each other again, and they all came together at this time and were so protective of Janet. Tyler wanted to be sure that she was protected, they took the snotty crying pictures out of the film, they didn’t want them to be leaked to the press and taken out of context. He changed the ending so that she didn’t have to speak at a funeral. Janet didn’t want him to do that but he did anyway They hold hands. Janet says that Tyler is so kind and everyone was so kind and she just wants to thank him. Oprah says that Tyler is a nurturing guy. Janet says that he was by her side the whole time making sure that she was ok. Oprah was going through some stuff one day and Tyler showed up at her place in California and turned up to say that he wanted to see her face and see that she was ok. Janet is working on a book, she has been doing it for a while,. Many people had asked her about her weightloss and instead of writing a nutrition book she decided to go back into her childhood and look at issues of self esteem. Oprah asks her if she’s an emotional eater. Absolutely. Oprah asks if she put on weight during all this because it would have sent her to a bag of chips. I did, says Janet. Oprah says that she said to someone the other day that they don’t need to worry about her with drugs or alcohol, but if they ever see her with a bag of blue chips she’ll be mainlining them. The crowd laugh. Janet turns to food when she is stressed and down. Other people forget to eat; Janet and Oprah turn to food. Oprah asks if she has girlfriends who helped her through this? A few, yes. Oprah asks if they go away together for a trip like in the films. Janet says has she done it with her girlfriends? No, but she has done it with guy friends.

Oprah loved the scene where all the women were gathered around Janet. She says that she loved it because first of all, women gather. It is like a laying on of hands- did that happen with your friends? Yes, says Janet. Tyler felt that it was a pivotal moment in the film where they could all gather and cry about everything that was going on. Tyler speaks of the Wailing Women in the Bible, and the power of women coming together to cry and bawl and pray. Janet brought so much to the film, it was great. Oprah asks how he writes so well for women? My momma, he says. They all cheer.

Tyler Perry has been in Chicago this week with a funny musical, Madea’s Big Happy Family. They go backstage with Tyler. He introduces two of the lead singers that Tyler found on You Tube. They sing, he tells them they are going to Oprah. Tyler loves making people’s dreams come true. Oprah says that she surprised Tyler by going to his show in Winston Salem North Carolina. She came in the turnstyle with 6000 other people, and all the crowd were screaming. Oprah says that the show is like a revival, a picnic, a show, a good time, its like an entertainment that you have never seen, and people take their whole families. Oprah talks to the You Tube guys, who have never worn suits before and says that she was so impressed by them, but surprised that Tyler found them on You Tube. They were doping around singing the Brady Bunch. They were friends working at a restaurant, they were on You Tube singing and then they got an email from Tyler’s people and they thought it wasn’t true. They met Tyler on a Wednesday and were rehearsing for the play the next day. They go on stage to sing the Brady Bunch song. That’s great says Oprah, they do gospel like she has never seen on that show. Thanks to Janet Jackson, Tyler will stick around. The film comes out tomorrow.

He is all over TV in one of the steamiest ad campaigns of the year, it’s the manly man Old Spice commercial. Oprah loves that commercial. She loves it so much that she’s going to buy some Old Spice. Isaiah Mustafa is the man in the commercial, he joins them from his bathroom by Skype. Look at your audience, then back at me, then at the audience and back at me, he says. Anything is possible when you are Oprah, he says, if she flies him to Chicago next week she can smell him. Oprah says she loves it. How is he doing? Its been amazing, its opened alot of opportunities for him, its getting him up the ladder. Oprah asks wasn’t he a major football player? He says yes but not major. He’d be cut in and out for a few weeks, he played for the Raiders, Tennessee Titans, Cleveland browns and Seattle Seahawks. Wow, that’s major, says Oprah. How did he get this advert? As an actor you take commercial jobs to pay the bills. He asked his mom to look after his daughter while he ran over to do the audition, on the way he called his buddy, left his audition as a message, listened to the way he did the take and liked it so that was what he went with. To get people to listen to you, you “pull it back a little bit and drop the register”. Oprah chuckles and says very good. So every woman wants to know what are the chances of smelling him? He says that he is not smellable, he is taken, only his girlfriend Brandi can scratch and sniff.

Oprah asks if he’s had any big offers since doing the advert, he says that it has been fast and furious and that he just went up for a Tyler Perry movie. Oprah says that she had Tyler here a couple of days ago, what was the film? Colored Girls. Oh yeah, says Oprah. Oprah says that Tyler is a good friend of hers, Isaiah says that maybe she could put in a good word for him. You can do that yourself says Oprah, Tyler is here in the studio. Isaiah is shocked. Tyler asks him to put his shirt on and get out the bathroom. He got the part, he did a great job. Oprah says that is terrific, all from an Old Spice commercial. Congratulations Isaiah, we’ll look forward to seeing you on the big screen.

They play an extract from Janet Jackson’s latest CD Number One. Everyone in the audience is going home with that, yay. Tyler’s movie is coming out today, and they will all go and see it. Oprah asks if he goes to boost the box office numbers, he says that he likes to see it in real time with the audience. Oprah has a screening room but she has a ticket bought for her, so that her vote counts. Tyler agrees to sign the No Phone Zone Pledge, he will commit to only using a hands-free set. Oprah says that means that he can only use a hands free set only if necessary, don’t conduct your meetings in the car. He signs it and says that he had everybody in the studio sign it. Wow, oh my, says Oprah. Tyler says that this is very important because only a few days ago someone was injured here in Chicago. Oprah says that it is happening all over and that having his whole studio sign the pledge was a great surprise, one that she could handle. Why Did I Get Married Too? opens tomorrow. Thanks everybody, goodbye.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Janet Jackson and her entire family repeatedly tried to stage interventions for Michael Jackson.

Janet Jackson believes that the doctor who administered Propofol to her brother is responsible for his death.

Janet Jackson can not look at images of Michael as an adult, nor can she listen to his music or watch him in film.

Tyler Perry is a kind, sensitive, nurturing friend to both Oprah and Janet Jackson.

Isaiah Mustafa, the actor in the popular Old Spice commercials will only allow his girlfriend to scratch and sniff him.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Janet Jackson and Oprah Winfrey are both close friends with Tyler Perry, but probably not with each other.

Date: March 4th, 2010
File Under: Grief, Public Service Announcement, Tragedy

Episode 40: 43 Hours Lost At Sea: The Sole Survivor of the NFL Boating Tragedy

Oprah says that behind the scenes of the show, they have been talking about this story for months. This story is a complicated story of survival, it is hard to tell but they are going to try and honor everybody involved. It happened over a period of 43 hours and they are going to start at the beginning.

Nick Schuyler a personal trainer, had befriended NFL players Corey Smith and Marquis Cooper at his gym. Marquis was married with a 3-year-old daughter he adored. An experienced fisherman, he often took friends out on his 21-foot boat. Corey, the youngest of six from a tight-knight family, had just finished his season with the Detroit Lions. At the last minute, Nick invited his best friend, Will Bleakley, to join them.

On a chilly Saturday morning the men left a launch in Clearwater, Florida, at 6:30 a.m. They dropped anchor 70 miles away off the Gulf of Mexico. In late afternoon, when the weather turned, they decided to turn back. And then disaster struck. The boat flipped, tossing all 4 into the rough open water 70 miles from the shore. When the group didn’t return home, Marquis’ friend called the coastguard at 1.27am. The coastguard began the search but they only knew that the boat was a single engine boat, they knew the size and the passengers, but not the location. Nick’s sister got the call on Sunday morning that they were missing. Their Mom knew instantly that something had happened to Nick.

Coast guards helicopters planes and boats faced grueling conditions and 14 feet waves. Looking for the white speck of the upturned boat was like looking for a fingernail in a shag carpet. Overnight temps dropped to 40 degrees, hypothermia became a major concern. “All the processes in the body just slow down, so your mind starts to slow down and you cannot think,” Dr. Mark Rumbak says. “One of the main symptoms of hypothermia is the hallucinations, and you could become very aggressive. You could just start fighting and you could start beating somebody up, or just slipping off your clothes and just running away. You just become very confused and could do something that may, in fact, cause your death.”

When reporters found out that 2 NFL players were missing, it triggered a media frenzy. Nick’s mother was beside herself. She remembers thinking that if they don’t find them when its light, they’ll be in trouble.

On Monday morning, the weather finally broke and the Coast Guard intensified their search. After days of searching for over 2 days for more than 24,000 square miles of ocean, a lookout made a miraculous discovery at 11:46 a.m. “It turned out to be the white upside-down hull of the boat,” Capt. Close says. “Then they saw Nick sitting there with his life jacket.”

Theres’ only one person who knows what happened on that boat. The sole survivor, Nick Schuyler is here today, welcome Nick. Oprah says that it was a boys trip and at some point Nick became sea sick, so he had his ski jacket on. Everyone else wore wind pants and wind jackets. Marquis had shorts on. They knew a storm was coming and they had talked about not going out so far. Still, Nick says they decided to go all the way out. It was one of Marquis’ favorite spots. Nick says he’s not an avid fisherman, but Marquis knew what he was doing. It was his last weekend before he left to Oakland for camp, and he wanted to make one last trip.

Around 4pm they realized that they needed to head back. When Marquis decided to turn the boat around they realized the anchor was stuck. Nick says the same thing happened the week before when he, Corey and Marquis were fishing in the same spot. They had to cut the line and leave the anchor behind. This time, Nick says Marquis didn’t want to lose another anchor. They tried a couple different maneuvers and turned the boat around and pulled it from every which angle. The anchor’s rope was attached to the front of the boat. Will suggested untying the rope, reattaching it to the back and gunning the engine to move the anchor. “Our intention was, ‘Okay, if we gun the motor, we’re either going to rip this thing out or the line’s going to snap,’” Nick says. Oprah asks why they didn’t cut it like the previous week- they didn’t want to waste another $200. No one thought that it would flip the boat or that it was a dangerous move.

As Marquis gunned the engine, Nick says the boat began to flip. “Marquis was driving. Within maybe two seconds, it slowly flipped over to the left. The water was very cold, 64-degrees. They attempted to flip it back, there’s nothing to hold on to, there’s no leverage. Physics worked against them. They were in shock. The waves were already crashing in, they were tired and didn’t have life jackets on.

The tragedy made headlines around the world. With the lifejackets trapped underneath the boat, they were left stranded clinging to the boat. Oprah says that the book is one of the most harrowing stories of survival that she has ever read.

Nick says Marquis kept apologizing. ‘I’m so sorry you guys,’ Marquis said after about a half hour in the water. He must have said it ten times, he felt it was his fault because he was the captain. There’s these stories out there that Marquis was an inexperienced boater, which is absolutely not the truth. He knew what he was doing. He had been on the water a hundred times, a thousand times, and he was an experienced fisherman. Who would think that a 1” rope would flip this boat with 4 big guys on it? In the beginning they thought they’d get out of it. Oprah asks if they had been drinking. Cory didn’t drink, Marquis was leaving town so Nick had thought they’d have a whole lot of beer and that Cory would drive the boat back. But with the conditions, that was not the case- Nick had 2 beers over 4 or 5 hours. Everyone was coherent when this happened.

Will took charge and took off his clothes to swim under the boat. Marquis would give instructions and Will would go and look. He was able to swim underneath the boat several times and retrieved three life vests and a floating seat cushion. Nick says Will gave everyone a life jacket and strapped the seat cushion onto his own back. That’s quite a friend says Oprah. Absolutely says Nick.

As darkness fell, Nick says the men assumed their positions on and around the boat. They worked together through the night to help each other. Marquis was face-down, straddling a cooler on top of the exposed bow. Nick was next to Marquis, crouching with one foot on the hull of the boat and the other on the swim platform. At Nick’s feet, Will perched on the swim platform next to the engine. At Marquis’ feet, Corey held on to the boat, the only one submerged in water.

Oprah reads an extract from the book on page 49 stating that Marquis was insecure. As conditions deteriorated, the waves threw them from the boat over and over again. “We’d hear them approach and scream, ‘Hold on,’ trying to brace ourselves.” It was like trying to ride a bucking bronco. Marquis must have come off the boat 20 or 30 times. Nick probably came off 15, sometimes you’d be thrown off just as you were climbing back on. There was a grim determination and a lot of Oh my God’s. At first they were Oh my God I can’t believe this is happening, and then they were Oh my God this might be it.

By about 10pm that night they realized that it was deeply serious. Nick says Corey kept stating, ‘No way in hell I’m going out like this.’ Corey had a waterproof watch on with a light so they could keep track of time. Oprah says at some point Will brought up a bag of cellphones. Yes, says Nick, Will was able to find a ziplock bag with cell phones- without Will, Nick wouldn’t be here today. Nick was trying to make calls or texts to 911, and all it says was ‘Connecting, connecting, connecting,’. He was trying to conserve the battery but also hoped that they’d float closer to a cell phone tower.

Nick has written about his terrifying ordeal in the book Not Without Hope. After 9 hours in the sea, Marquis and Corey started to show signs of hypothermia, like aggression and disorientation. Oprah remembers that at 2.30am they noticed a change in Marquis. They’d been talking through the night, but then Marquis began to get very quiet. “So we’d be like: ‘Coop! Coop!’ And he wouldn’t answer at first. … Some time would pass, 10 seconds later… ‘Yeah, I’m all right.’ They didn’t think anything of it, they were frightened but were thinking that they’d be rescued. They knew that Marquis’ wife would call at midnight if they weren’t back.

Nick says they talked about their families and what they would change in their lives. Will had mentioned stuff about being closer to his brother, Blake. Marquis just talked about how much he loved his family and Delaney, his little girl. They all had a million thoughts going on that this could be it.

Marquis started to lose some motor functions, and he started to foam at the mouth. Nick says Marquis also began to hallucinate. He kept saying things like: ‘I need to get underneath the boat. I need to cut the rope. I need to get the anchor,’ Nick says. At that point, he knew, okay, we’re in deep trouble. That wasn’t Marquis. That’s not the kind of guy he is. The elements were definitely taking him in.

They were being pounded by the waves and taking in salt water. They show again the footage of the doctor saying that hypothermia may make you do things which will endanger your life. Nick says he did everything he could to keep Marquis from leaving the boat. He positioned himself up on the boat where he straddled the motor. He had pulled him up with the help of the other guys, and pretty much bear hugged him. Around 4 a.m. on Sunday, Nick was still holding onto Marquis. They had been in this position for roughly over an hour, and it was a fight to hold him down; he was trying to struggle to get away. They were all saying to him ‘Hold on. They’ll be here any minute. Relax, Coop. You’re good. We’ve got the anchor.’

Oprah asks Nick to talk about letting go of Marquis. Nick and Will had checked Marquis’ pulse a few times, and then Will said, ‘He’s not there.’ At that point, they tried to flip him over and give him CPR, which was virtually impossible with the waves. The hypothermia was setting in with Corey, who was becoming disorientated; aggressive and pulling on all of them. Nick said Corey was starting to fight as well, whichwas not Corey. “The hypothermia was definitely set in,” he says. “There was no way that I could hold onto Corey and Marquis at the same time.” Nick had to decide what to do. Nick says he faced an impossible decision. If he didn’t let Marquis’ body go, he couldn’t help Corey. If he held on, he could lose them both. ‘I just kept telling Coop, ‘Coop, I’m so sorry,’ he says. Will said that he had to let Marquis go, and Nick agreed. It was the worse thing. He let him go, and Marquis slowly sunk. He rolled off Nick’s right side and Nick watched him until he couldn’t see him anymore.

Oprah asks if there was a moment to grieve- no Corey was much more verbal and aggressive than Marquis had been. He was very aggressive, screaming. Saying some things that they had never heard Corey even joke about. Which, once again, was not Corey. He said things like I’m going to kill you, clarifies Oprah. He said things that were hard to take in, but it is hard to forget the last words says Nick. Oprah says that he was literally out of his mind. Yes, says Nick and he was literally using his legs to leapfrog off the boat. Nick was holding on with his right hand, and Corey was shooting, so he was literally ripping Nick’s arm trying to get away. He had jumped one time across the back of the motor, and he had sliced my hand, sliced my arm on the motor prop, Nick says. In that moment, Nick says he let go of Corey. Corey then jumped into the water. He was roughly 6, 8 feet off the boat and they couldn’t reach him at that point. Corey ripped off his life jacket and rolled his body forward in the water. He kind of did a swan dive and put his feet in the air and just kicked down. They didn’t see him after two seconds.

Nick was left with his best friend in the world. They’d been in the water for 15 hours. Will told Nick something he says he’ll never forget. “He said, ‘I don’t think I’m going to make it another night,’ Nick says he didn’t say anything at first then he said ‘They’re going to find us today.’

Will began to display the same signs as the others; he wasn’t aggressive, he was helpless. Nick was fending for both of them at that point, they were operating on 20%. The waves continued to batter them, pulling them off the boat and into the cold, churning water. After a while, Will could no longer pull himself back on the boat. He didn’t have the strength. Nick was trying to pull up a 225-pound man with not a whole lot of leverage. Will went in the water one time, and his life jacket shot up. It kind of choked him. His first reaction was, ‘I’m going to take the jacket off.’ So he took the jacket off, and within a few seconds that thing was yards away. I thought about going to get the jacket, but then I’d have to leave Will, jacketless, alone.” Nick held him for some time with the waves banging banging, banging. He was on one side of the motor. Nick was on the other. They both kept going under, and Will was coughing. That happened probably five or six times. Then one time Nick was calling his name, and he was just not there.

Oprah asks if Will had drifted off. No, says Nick Will was dead. Nick says he fought to hold onto his friend’s body. “I was beyond devastated. I tried to climb back up on the boat holding a literally lifeless body,” he says. “He just got away from me, and there wasn’t a whole lot that I could do.” Nick watched as his friend’s body slowly disappeared into the sea. He had to watch his best friend sit there floating in the water. Before he died. Nick said, ‘I love you, man’, and Will said the same.

Oprah reads some of Nicks thoughts from the book “I needed to live long enough to tell the story, even if I was found alive and died later. I felt useless and worthless. It seemed like every time I thought it couldn’t get worse, it got worse. I hoped I would be found, but I experienced what no person should have to experience. It was awful. Three are gone. Now it’s my turn. It’s just a matter of time. I didn’t have any choice but to go on.”

Being sick and the jacket probably saved his life, his mom gave him the jacket. He was alone from Sunday night. “I was very sad,” he says. “I kept thinking about the guys, of course, and my family.” Oprah says did he ask his Aunt and God if they were up there to help him? Yes. Nick started to say his final prayers. “I kept picturing my family, my mother, particularly,” he says. “I just could not picture my mother attending my funeral. That’s by far the worst thing that any mother would have to go through.”

He never gave up hope, but to see three guys die in his arms, three athletes, and he already had been so sick before they started. Nick says he saw the Coast Guard’s boat approaching but thought it was a hallucination. He was hunched over, “I was like, ‘There’s no way,’” he says. “I kind of stood up for a second and I’m like, ‘Thank you, God.’ I took my jacket off, swung it around like a towel, and I just broke down.”

The lives of the men who died at sea will be remembered for much more than the accident which took their lives. Corey’s family are very proud of his achievements and say that he is deeply missed. His coach at the Detroit Lions says that his heart was bigger than everyone else’s. Marquis Cooper was his parents pride and his sisters biggest fan. His wife misses his smile and his gentle spirit and his daughter Delaney was the joy of his life.

Will Bleakley’s mom, Betty, says her son had a twinkle in his eye and made everything fun. She’s grateful she told Will she loved him the last time she talked to him.

Oprah asks what Nick told Will’s parents about the day he died. He was in the hospital the second day and he knew it was one of those things he had to do. “I wanted to emphasize how without Will, I would not be having this conversation with you right now. Will saved my life.”

Oprah says that there has been controversy over the book. Some of the family members involved believe Nick is profiting from their tragedy. Nick says that he has heard some things too and that unfortunately his relationships with some of the families aren’t where he would like them to be. But at the end of the day, “I’ve said since day one, the most important thing for me has been the Bleakleys, the Smiths, the Coopers and the three guys.”

A few months after the accident, Nick was approached and they said, ‘Here’s the deal: They’re gonna do a book, with or without you,’” he says. “I wanted to do it for the right reasons, for the three guys and their families.” Oprah asks about the money. He has set up a foundation and is giving to charities. Unfortunately he has not been able to speak with the families. The money has never been a thing. He didn’t want to talk about it at first because it was so fresh, a year ago but it feels like a month.

Corey’s family have said that Nick’s depiction of Corey’s last hours as aggressive was not the Corey that they knew. Nick repeatedly stated that it was not the Corey he knew. Corey was the big teddy bear that everyone loved.

Marquis’ wife Rebecca asked Oprah to read following statement: “The last morning I saw Marquis, I kissed him goodbye and told him I loved him, as I have for years. My family and I didn’t get the chance to bring him home, to lay him to rest. I’ve heard conflicting reports stemming from Mr. Schuyler of what happened on the day Marquis, Corey and Will died, but never once heard or been told of my husband’s last words, whether he spoke of Delaney and I. How is it that Mr. Schuyler has enough recollection and material to write a book, yet has never once sat down with our family to tell us how Marquis died? Marquis was not an inexperienced boater or a careless friend. He was a husband worth fighting for in life, and in his absence still today.”

The hardest thing right now for Nick is this relationship. He has talked to Will’s parents and two of Corey’s sisters and that “More than anything in this world, I would love to tell her the story, and I’ve always wanted to tell her the story,” he says. “I’m willing to do whatever it takes.” The setting was never right to have the conversation, even though they were friendly after the accident. Oprah says this is a lesson everyone facing loss can learn from. “For everybody, there comes a moment when things need to be said and everybody always wants to know the answer to the question, ‘Why?’ … Particularly when somebody dies or there’s an awkward situation. You don’t know what to say, so you end up saying nothing. And then that nothing ends up creating really bad feelings because somebody should have said something, and nobody really knows what to say. Even if you can, just say, ‘I don’t know what to say.’”

Oprah asks if he misses them. Every day. He had only known Marquis for a little while, and Corey even shorter, but he was with Will 2 or 3 times a week. Oprah asks if he’s ok. His friends and family have been out of this world. “Without them, who knows?”

Nick says one of the reasons he wrote Not Without Hope was to help this happen to anyone else. Here’s what the Coast Guard says everyone should take away from his story:

Boaters should always leave a ‘Float Plan’ with someone ashore—including a description of the boat, names of the people onboard, where exactly they are going, and when they are expected back.
Boaters should always wear lifejackets.
Every boat should carry an Electronic Position Indicating Radiobeacon (EPIRB). An EPIRB is water-activated and will broadcast an exact position via satellite to rescue centers.
Visual distress signals such as flares, strobe lights and even flashlights can be critical in helping the Coast Guard find someone in need of assistance.

Oprah thanks Nick and wishes him well. His life is a testament to live more consciously, so please no more texting in the car. Thank you.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

One of the main symptoms of hypothermia is the hallucinations

Sufferers become very confused and could do something that may, in fact, cause their death.

Seasickness caused Nick Schuyler to put on his ski jacket, which probably saved his life.

Wear life jackets and tell people exactly where you are going when going out to sea.

Watching 3 of your friends die in your arms is incomprehensibly terrible.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

When something so awful has happened that you don’t know what to say, say something, even if you are saying that you don’t know what to say.

Date: January 20th, 2010
File Under: Celebrity, Grief, Public Service Announcement, Tragedy

Episode 9: Help The Victims in Haiti

Live from Chicago. This morning an aftershock of 6.1 was recorded in Haiti. Oprah’s guest today just returned from Haiti a few days ago. He says it’s an apocalypse and the media coverage doesn’t begin to describe it. Wyclef Jean, the most famous person from Haiti; a Grammy award winning musician is here today, you may know him from The Fugees. This show is about Haiti so some of the images will be graphic.

Oprah says that Wyclef is the first person to describe this as an apocalypse. She says she’d said to friends that being there must be like being in hell. Wyclef says it’s like the 7th hell- there’s two things- what you see by the airport and then there is the belly of the beast. He says walking into the city feels like walking into a morgue. For every two blocks, there are 15-16 uncovered bodies, 3 are children. People are running holding their babies, while their babies are already dead. The aid workers can’t do much as there are so many people, and they are out of medication, and people want them to help their children but their children are already dead. Wyclef’s cousin used his Flip camera to go inside the belly of the beast.

As the footage rolls, Wyclef narrates. The first thing they heard were bone chilling screams. This is the worst thing they’ve seen in their lives, the whole country is a morgue, everywhere they walk there are bodies in the street. little kids. They spent hours in the heat moving decomposing bodies. The smell is very bad. the local cemetries are already overflowing, so the survivors are ae digging shallow graves. Their team pulled a fourteen year old out of the rubble, the rest of her family are dead.

Watching the footage, Wyclef remembers that every night they heard the Haitian people sing Amazing Grace. The Haitian people know struggle, despite what they are going through they are still chanting and singing the word of God. Oprah says that they have shown over and over that they are resilient people. Wyclef says the only thing they have is their pride.

Oprah observes that Wyclef’s team had masks on, whilst others did not. He says that the media don’t cover on the news the smell of the bodies. It’s raw meat, it’s animal, like a dead dog that no one has taken care of. Oprah asks about his friends and families. He has lost alot of friends. One of his friends was stopped by the police and a building fell on top of them all. It took two days to get his body out. Oprah says that the inital problem was the lack of heavy equipment. Wyclef says that the people who would drive the tractors are buried under rubble. They can not be where they should be, just like the President and his wife are at the airport. We was warned to be strong for he wouldn’t believe what he would see outside the airport.

About the size of Maryland, a two hour flight from the Florida coast lies Haiti, on the west end of a Carribean island- on the east is the wealthy Dominican Republic.In contrast, Haiti is home to the poorest citizens in the Western Hemisphere. Haiti is the only country on earth which gained independence by a slave rebellion. 9 million people speak two languages- French and Creole. 95% are of African descent. Civil war, violence, famine, corruption, war and countless disasters have wreaked havoc on Haiti but it was felt that Haiti was on a path to success. Bill Clinton said anyone who has seriously followed Haiti for a long time would say that it has the best chance now to break the chains of its lifetime and build a truly modern state. Amazingly the statue of a free slave, which signifies Haiti’s spirit is still standing.

Wyclef was 9 when his family left Haiti and came to the US. He dreamed of making it big in the music business, and both as a member of the Fugees and with his solo career he has been very successful. His passion in life is to get the rest of the world to care about Haiti as much as he does. It is his mission from God, he wants to make a serious dent with his Foundation, a school for young artists in Haiti. On Wednesday, the school was flattened with no survivors. It was in the Jacmel area, which is not talked about much in the news; it is 80% devastated. He and his wife have been trying to help Haiti for a long time- Wyclef says he went from being an ant to a gorilla overnight. Oprah says there has been alot of focus on the non-filing of taxes up until 2009 with his Foundation. He says in 1996 when he did the Grammys he wore a Haiti flag; therefore his pariotism cant be questioned. He says starting a foundation needs the right people around you. Being Haitian, a foundation needs logisitics; helicopters and trucks. No one was focused on the Foundation until they noticed that they raise $1 million a day. A lot of eyebrows were raised, as they are the youngest NGO on the ground. He put his first million into the charity, he has never taken any form of payment from the charity. Oprah says she has 3 foundations and comes under a lot of scrutiny, she says the IRS lives here. She says you need the right people who know the tax laws, was he let down by his people? He says it was poorly ran and moving forward they’ll be stronger than ever. The crown applaud.

Oprah says she heard Wyclef say there should be an exodus from Port-au-Prince, but where would the people go? Wyclef says there are places outside the capital where the US army could set up tents outside of the capital. He wants the tents to be built into communities in the future; we don’t want refugee camps. On Friday Wyclef joins George Clooney and a huge host of stars, for Hope For Haiti Now, a television event, with all proceeds going to Haiti. He’s going back to Haiti on Saturday because the food is being thrown down by helicopter, and he wants them to know that the Haitian people are not animals. He’s going to work on logisitics to distribute food and water more effectively.

Aids, malnutirition and poverty have ravaged Haiti- half of the population is under 18. 300,00 children were orphans before the earthquakes. Parents who can no longer feed children send them to be slaves in wealtheir homes where they are often abused. Tens of thousands of children live on the street eating dirt to surive, just hundreds of miles from our shores.

Rihanna is one of the stars performing for the Hope for Haiti Now TV event on Friday. She’ll be singing with JayZ and Bono. She says, we need your help, everyone should tune in. Today she will sing Bob Marley’s Redemption Song as it is so liberating. She played it as a child when times were difficult, and she still plays it now when her back is up against the wall. She feels the people of Haiti need to hear something uplifting. She sings the song, while images from Haiti are displayed behind her. Oprah gives Rihanna a hug. For the next 48 hours you can download this song, go to Oprah.com to find out how. All the proceeds will go to Haiti. Rihanna’s new album is called Rated R.

Neurosurgeon and CNN’s chief medical correspondent, Dr Sanjay Gupta filed some of the first reports out of Haiti. We see footage of a fifteen day old baby with a head injury who needed a doctor. She has a laceration and a fracture, but she’ll be ok. Reports of violence led Belgian doctors to evacuate the Field Hospital, leaving Dr Gupta the only person to care for 25 people overnight. A few days ago, the US military evacuated Dr Gupta out of Haiti to an aircraft carrier several miles off shore. The earthquake had embedded concrete in a 12 year old girls brain- Dr Gupta performed a ninety minute emergency surgery and saved the girls life.

In the studio, Oprah welcomes Dr Gupta via satellite from Port au-Prince. She thanks him and asks about this mornings aftershock. He says it was quite scary, behind him tents have been set up behind him- people are fearful to go back inside buildings with the continued aftershocks. The roads are a disaster, there are piles of rubble everywhere. He says it is hard to imagine how it will all get cleaned up. 6.1 and 5.2 are aftershocks in Haiti, but by any standards they are real earthquakes. They will have to test for trauma to buildings, but the emotional anxiety is very high here. Oprah says she is sure the fear and anxiety level are growing, The most pressing medical problem now, according to Dr Gupta, is that although many people died, many now are barely alive. They have preventable deaths, like crushed limbs. They are walking the streets having kidney failure and heart problems. In any other situation, these injuries are easily treated. 8 days out, these things are not happening, The problem now is distribution- the supplies are at the airports, but the supplies are not getting out where they are needed. In medical emergencies you count time in minutes and hours. So far it has been 8 days…

So many reporters are saying that this is the worst tragedy they have ever seen, worse even than Hurricane Katrina. Dr Gupta says this is the worst because Haiti is one of the most impoverished countries, there is no medical structure and they have one of the worst patient to doctor ratios in the world. From this point, there are infinitely more people needing medical care and infinitely less medical structure. In Katrina, people mainly lived or died, what they needed was food and water. In Haiti the people who lived have catastrophic injuries. They need someone on the ground to oversee the infrastructure. The security concerns are huge, there are soldiers and security there, but doctors are having problems getting in. The problems dovetail, solve the medical problems and the security issues will ease.

Thanks to Dr Gupta. Wyclef is willing to go to Haiti, he needs a taskforce, he knows Haiti. He will be in charge of distribution from the airport to the people of Haiti. He says the need for security will decrease if the medical situation improves.

Giving hope to Haiti is near and dear to singer Maxwell’s heart. He was raised by his Haitian grandmother. He is excited to help the great people of Haiti, today he will sing Fistful of Tears. He sings with images from Haiti playing behind him. Maxwell sings and cries. Oprah hugs him. For the next 48 hours you can download this song from Oprah.com, with all proceeds going to Haiti.

Oprah says they are here to encourage us to watch Hope for Haiti on Friday, it will play on all channels. Maxwell has been devastated by the tragedy. he doesn’t know fully how it feels for others like Wyclef who have lost so many people dear to them. He says “As someone who is you know, you know, my heritage is from there on some level”, he hopes he can stand as a beacon of hope for the Haitians to see there is more than this devastation, that you can grab onto something alot more tighter and secure than what Haiti has been holding on to for the last 200 years. Rihanna says she she goes to bed thinking of the orphans- the children suffer most and they had almost 400,000 orphans before this. The children are hungry and hopeless, they are the next generation, the chidren are our future. Rhianna and her Foundation are helping to rebuild Haiti. After survival, there is so much more to be done. Wyclef tells the Haitians to have unity and strength. The Haitian people told him to say on the show that they don’t need any more photo-ops, what they need is logistics, people to go to the airport and get the stuff out of the airport and to the people. The crowd applauds.

Rhianna and Maxwell donate the proceeds from the downloads of their songs from Oprah.com to Haiti. Watch the benefit on Friday. Thanks.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Wyclef Jean is the most famous person from Haiti, he has a mission from God to help the rest of the world care about Haiti as much as he does

Haiti today is apocalyptic, like the 7th hell

Wyclef Jean would like to manage the distribution of supplies from the airport to the people of Haiti; he will need a taskforce

This tragedy is worse than any other, because those who lived are dying from their injuries, which should be preventable deaths

Celebrities are helping as much as they can, there is a huge benefit on all channels on Friday night

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Haiti needs a new infrastructure to end their apocalypse. Wyclef Jean is on a mission from God

Date: January 18th, 2010
File Under: Grief, Public Service Announcement, Tragedy, Uncategorized
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Episode 7: This Show Could Save Your Life: America’s New Deadly Obsession

This is the start of something really big in America. Oprah is asking us to give up something which we do all too much- texting while driving. This is maybe more dangerous than driving drunk- talking on the phone while driving is the equivalent of having 4 drinks and getting behind the wheel. The audience have taken a pledge to stop texting while driving; they are all wearing pledge t-shirts. Oprah is passionate about the issue and hopes that we will be too, that we will spread the message amongst our families, friends and communities.

The problem is not just texting, but also talking on the phone. They are both part of a dangerous practice called distractive driving. Almost 6 thousand people die, and 1/2 million are injured each year by a driver with their hands off the wheel. Drivers on the phone are 4 times more likely to have an accident than those concentrating on driving. 19 states plus DC have banned texting; in 7 states plus DC one can only use cell phones if they are hands free.

A year ago Shelly and Darren were happily married with 3 girls. On the way home from the doctors, Shelly saw fire trucks at end of her street. There were fire trucks and all these people and a child laying on ground. She had no idea it was her child, but then she saw Erica’s bicycle. The driver was distracted on the phone, and hit Erica face-on with her 5000lb SUV. The neurosurgeon knew she wouldn’t make it. Sheelly spend the night saying goodbye. Erica has gone because of a person on a cell phone.

Shelly’s kids at the time were 13 year old, Jessica, Erica was 9 and Valerie was 4 years old. Shelly was on her way home from doctor, she drove home talking to her dad on her bluetooth headset. She got out the car just at the end of their street, and saw her child laying still. The driver of the SUV said I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see her. The paramedics cut off Erica’s clothes- at this point Shelly realized this was serious. They spent the next two days at the children’s hospital. Darren says that Erica was out on her bike, 30 seconds from their house- 15 pedals from home, when the neighbor called him to say Erica had had an accident.

Oprah strongly believes that the laws need to change- Shelly and Darren are very proactive to try to change the law in Colorado. Shelly does not want anyone else to go through this. Shelly says we are doing too much, we must concentrate on driving- the deaths are not worth a phone call, a text, an email. Don’t talk and drive.

Throughout the show we will hear from more families who have paid the price for our deadly habit. A series of articles in the New York Times inspired this program which Oprah has waned to do for a long time.

In Oxford England- Victoria, 24, was a fashion designer. She got a flat tire, pulled over, put on her hazard lights and called her mother. 3 minutes later, Phillipa Curtis hit the back of the car, killing Victoria instantly. Phillipa was sending emails. Victoria’s mother says that seeing the car brings it all home. You never forget.

Jordan was the most lovable being that his father ever encountered. He was 18 years old, on Mothers Day. Around 4.25pm his parents called him on his cellphone and the line went dead. Soon after, the police came to the door. They went to the hospital, where they were told their son was dead. The father said he let out a primal scream like you hear in the movies. He says you feel like your whole life has died- children should not die before their parents. His job was to protect his son and he couldn’t do it; his son died. They believe he dropped his cell phone, unbuckled his seat belt and bent down to pick it up. He hit a big tree and was killed instantly.

There are two reasons why Utah has the strictest laws against distractive driving. Megan says her dad Keith was her whole world. Before the incident, Jackie was married with two kids and now she is a single parent. Jackie kissed her husband Jim goodbye as he went to pick up his colleague Keith on the way to work. At her work two hours later, Jackie was told he was dead. A 19 year old was texting while driving. Jackie lost Jim and Megan lost her father Keith. They were told the driver of a Tahoe went across the yellow line, hit Keith and Jim- their car span out of control and was blindsided by another vehicle. They were killed instantly. It was hard to believe the news. There was shock, dismay, disbelief. Jackie insisted that Reggie, the 19 year old driver, watched the funeral; he should know who he had killed.

Reggie Shaw was the 19 year old texting while driving instead of focusing on the road. He admits he was texting, he clipped another vehicle sending it into traffic. Opra appreciates that he is here. Reggie texted maybe almost 100% of the time while driving, as did most of his friends. Oprah finds this hard to believe, knows we can’t do this at the same time as driving, perhaps because she is an older person. Reggie says he never thought about it. Oprah says she does not use the word stupid much, and she isn’t calling Reggie stupid, but she says it is a stupid thing to do, to take your eyes off the road. In Reggie’s Driver’s Ed he says that no one mentioned how dangerous texting while driving is. He felt terrible when he discovered that he’d killed two people. He says it never gets easier. It affects his life every day. He can’t forgive himself for his bad choice. He can’t sleep at night; every day is hard.

Oprah says for every single person who texts, we could be looking at ourself when we look at Reggie in this chair. He didn’t mean to do it, it could happen to any of us. Oprah asks if he thought he could text and drive safely at the same time. He says of course he did but one second later this poor choice took two people’s lives. Reggie speaks out at high schools and gatherings; he explains to high schoolers that it is absolutely not safe to take your mind off the road. In the aftermath of this accident, Utah passed some of the strictest laws. Reggie was an essential part of this- he approached lawmakers to hasten the laws. Jackie says she has forgiven him; he went above and beyond his punishment in some cases. Oprah asks what his punishment was. He did 30 days in jail and 30 days of community service. Oprah asks if he thinks that he was in jail long enough. Reggie thinks how hard it was for him in jail, and thinks about the two lives lost, and he doesn’t know if it was long enough. Oprah thanks him for his honesty and for coming on the show.

AJ was a presence; goofy and funny and he had an amazing smile. On Dec 3rd, 2007, his mother was coming down the street and saw an accident ahead- she saw that it was her son’s car. At the hospital the doctors said they did all the could but they could not save him. He rolled through a stop sign into the path of a garbage truck. he was texting his girlfriend. The accident was 100% preventable. We are not talking about statistics, we are talking about mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, aunties, and uncles. She says that her son is not a number, not a statistic, he was her son.

Linda was 61 years old. A little over a year ago, the family lost their hero. A 23 year old driver t-boned Linda’s car at a light. He was engrossed in in a conversation on his cell phone. Linda’s daughter, Jennifer. says seeing the seat was the hardest part. She asks us to put our loved one in that seat, is that phone call worth it? Before her accident, Jennifer who is a realtor, used her car as her office. Even with a headset, she says you should not talk while driving- it’s not where your hands are, it’s where your head is. The man who killed her mother was on the phone for less than a minutes, his brain couldn’t handle it, he didn’t see the light. You can’t do it, you are not Superman. She has a bumper sticker that says “someone talking on their cell phone while driving killed my mom”.

Dr David Strayer, a professsor at the University of Utah says our brain doesn’t work the way we’d like it too- we can’t multitask the way we think we can. Many people think they are safer drivers, but we are not. Texting makes it like a multitude of drunks on the road says Oprah. David says it is worse than drunks- you are 8 times more likely to crash while texting, drunk driving is equivalent to talking on a phone- you are 4 times more likely to have accident. Talking on the phone gives us tunnel vision. Your brain won’t let you take in all the information. We have inattention blindness- you see about half of the visual information in front of us. The brain can’t take in all the information; we are not wired to multitask that way. We miss quite a bit.

In 2008 a San Antonia bus driver was caught on video driving and texting while in rush hour traffic. He looked up to the camera a split second before slamming on his brakes and ploughing into the car ahead. Months later in LA, a train driver so distracted sending and receiving over 40 text messages, missed a red light and his commuter train crashed into a freight train. 135 were injured. 25, including the conductor, were killed, making it the 2nd worst commuter train accident in US history. Weeks later, a school bus with 21 students was rammed by an 18 wheeler, when stopped with its blinkers on The bus was pushed over 200 feet before it burst into flames. 20 students escaped but one was tragically killed. The driver of the 18 wheeler admitted he was distracted on the phone and did not see that the bus had stopped.

71% people age 18-49 admit they text or talk on the phone while they drive. If you do that and think you’re safe, the next three guests are right there with you. Sean, a father of 4, thinks he has great driving and texting skills. Carly, a stay at home mom of 2, once found herself in the opposite lane while texting. Jen is a 19 year old college student and self-procclaimed super-texter. To gauge how dangerous their driving/ texting habits are, they went to do some driving tests. They were tested for reaction times stopping at a red light, and had to complete a slalom to measure deviation from their path. Each test was done twice; once concentrating on driving and again while texting and driving.

Jen hit a cone while texting, as did Sean, as did Carly. Jen felt she was out of control, Sean found the test hard- he sees this as a wake-up call. Carly thinks she’s very lucky that nothing has happened to her to date.

Gerard Ball, the editor at Car and Driver Magazine, analysed the data results of the road tests.. The results are dramatic. The reaction times increase greatly- there is a 22 ft difference in reaction time. This could be a huge difference between stopping or hitting someone. Oprah puts Carly on the spot saying she went into other lane before while texting, but now says the driving test has changed her life. Carly wants to spread the word and make a change in her city, to stop these 100% preventable accidents. Jen thought she could do it because all high school and college students text and drive. She feels that if all kids did the road test, she is 120% sure that the bad habits would stop. Sean was really cocky about texting and driving, he felt he was invincible. His wife always called him on it- he found the the test to be a big wake-up call. He went into the test thinking he could do it all. Now he realises that these accidents could have been him or his family. His wife was very infuriated by his behavior. He is a defensive football player, and that attitude spilled into his driving.

Oprah calls on us to make our cars a No Phone Zone, we can take the pledge on Oprah.com and pass it on via Twitter and Facebook. She urges that we make this show the end of being on the phone in the car. She asks us to take another look at the faces of the children, husbands, fathers, mothers who were killed by a distracted driver… and look at the loved ones left behind who carry that pain for the rest of their lives. She says we should think about that next time we are tempted to use your phone when driving.

Don’t tempt fate, that text or call when wait. Believe it. Thanks everybody.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Talking on the phone while driving is as unsafe as driving with 4 drinks in your system- you are 4 times more likely to have an accident

Texting is twice as dangerous as talking while driving- statistically you are 8 times more likely to have an accident

Distractive driving is responsible for six thousand deaths and half a million injuries per year

These numbers are not just statistics, they are mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, sons, daughters, sisters, brothers

These accidents are 100% preventable

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Don’t tempt fate, that text or call when wait. Believe it.

Date: January 14th, 2010
File Under: Family, Grief, Looking for love, Relationships

Episode 5: Nate Teams Up with the Millionaire Matchmaker

41 year old Robin’s plea was to be helped out by Nate Berkus. She was the homecoming princess, she always had a boyfriend: who knew she’d end up a single cat lady? She feels she still looks good but she is picky. She’s given up hope, she is thinking of getting another cat to bring home to the three she already has. She needs Nate, “please Oprah send him to me” she implores.

Nate comes out to wild applause. Oprah says he smells good. They speak of the three cat limit, how a line is crossed beyond that. Oprah tells us that Nate is very straight talking in matters of the heart, but he has never done matchaking so he called in Patti Stanger, a third generation matchmaker. She is on Bravo TV’s The Matchmaker. Patti and Nate team up to help Robin. They look at her man-wishlist. She wants smart and unmarried, she says quitting is not an option, she doesn’t want someone’s ex. Patti and Nate disagree- the best kept secret is the divorced man because they can commit; 90% will stay second time around. Robin does not want a man who drinks out of a straw- Patti and Nate say this can’t be on the dealbreaker list. Dealbreaker’s include religion and politics, not straws. Robin says she can be intense, maybe it scares men away. Patti thinks this is scary, like Robin is interviewing for her new husband- the men pick up on her vibration. Oprah implies that Robin’s vibration is like a panting, no-straw repeating dog.

Robin doesn’t understand why she is still single. Her new dating coaches say it may have something to do with her expectations. Nate reads from her huge list of requirements including no Facebook page, no kids, no straw-drinking; good-looking, athletic, generous, no smoking, likes sweets, handy, with a big family he loves and success in all he does. Robin doesn’t believe this man exists. Patti and Nate say this list shows the girl is too high maintenenace. Patti doesn’t want her to miss out on a great opportunity because of the list. Nate thinks she has added so many items to the list to counteract previous disappointments. Oprah says that the person on the wish list does exist and his name is Jesus. The crowd go wild. Robin was asked to narrow the list down to five attributes. She picks honest, smart, passionate, funny/ silly and successful. Successful could mean money, Robin thinks she could potentially be comfortable if she earned more money than the man, like if he was a teacher and loved it despite it being a badly paid profession.

Patti forced Robin to choose the dealbreaker’s, the values. This is not about lowering expectations- this is a person with frailties; Robin is not buying a car or ordering a pizza. Patti says that people think that they order from a wishlist and God will deliver it tomorrow. We need to reprogram our brain to think that the man is alive and out there. Dating should be fun, not a dentist visit. You are not human resources, stop interviewing. Women looking for men should go skiing, men outnumber women 5-1 and they are rich; you don’t have to ski just sit in the lodge and drink the hot toddies. Most guys go skiing alone, with their buddies.

Robin goes out on a date while Patti and Nate are staking them out in a van outside the restaurant. Robin meets Rick while the coaches are in the surveillance van. Everyone is smiling. Rick looks at the wine list and Robin says she’ll actually have a beer. Rick is happy that she’s having a beer- Patti says that’s excellent, it shows that she is low maintenance, Rick says something very similar. Nate observes that Robin drinks from the bottle yet has a straw issue. They send her a note from the van saying that she’s doing well, then later one saying let your hair down. She tells the guy what they want and he says she should work with them. Nate and Patti say she is dumbing herself down in the conversation. They send her a note asking to meet her in the bathroom, where she says Rick is too old- she guesses he is probably her age. She wants someone in their thirties. Back in the studio they discuss with Oprah that she was being too cutesy, and dumbing herself down. Robin feels that men her age are too old- they have old hearts or old spirits and Robin is young at heart. Oprah says that something peculiar happens to men in their fiftiess, but not in their forties’s. They discuss the issue that she wants someone unmarried but those she meets are set in their ways. She wants a man in his mid-thirties and Oprah says that those men want women in their twenties.

Patti told Nate that the person asking the questions is the one who is pursuing. Oprah tells Robin that this isn’t the hotseat, but rather the warm and fuzzy Oprah show. Robin is representative of the millions of single women watching the show. Oprah says she hated the taking down of the hair, that it was too overt, too contrived. Patti felt the conversation was drifting and that the only way to shift that was sexually. Oprah says she literally was trying to perk things up. Patti wants Robin to know that she is amazing and she’ll help Robin find someone in the real world, off-camera. Patti has a newly released book.

It has been five years since Nate experienced loss in the tsunami in the Indian Ocean. When the disaster struck, Nate was right in the middle of it. He and his partner were vacationing. Miraculously, Nate lived through the catastrophe but Fernando did not. A few weeks later Nate came on the air and talked about his experience, his tragedy. He and Fernando were carried out to the water, where Fernando slipped away. Oprah says it has been five years, and asks Nate how the grief process has been. He says that when Oprah came to his house he couldn’t find any reason to get out of bed. He had daily therapy, Oprah asks if it taught him more about himself. He says he is unrecognisable to the person he used to be.

In 1996, Angela and Jeff had a two year old, Bryce, and the they found out they were having twins. Eric and Aaron were unseparable; as newborns they held hands. They were always together, having fun. When the twins were six, Angela and Jeff noticed a change in Eric, he would fall down the stairs. He was diagnosed with a benign brain tumour. The radiation therapy shrunk the tumour, but it later came back as cancer and Eric died when he was nine. Aaron didn’t do well at all, all he did at school was cry. Aaron says he didn’t feel like life, he was going through the motions, but not really living. Aaron would write notes to Eric to tell him what he was doing. Nate went to their house to do a business plan, but he recognised himself in Eric. Nate called the Oprah Show and said this story is not about a business plan, it is about grief and grieving.

Nate says he can see that the parents are doing their best to keep the family together. Angela feels it just doesn’t go away, some days she has to be under the covers. Some days just stick in her face that he’s gone. Nate says that December, the month of the tsunami and August, the month of Fernando’s birthday were horrorible. Then he realised that the dates have no power. The memory has the power and the memory could come whenever, thus Nate took the power back. Angela tells Oprah that this advice really helped her. Oprah remembers that Camille Cosby said after her son was murdered that everyone has to walk through the fire at some time, that we have to walk right through it.

Oprah knows many of us have struggled through grief. Eric’s depression got so bad that he said he didn’t want to be here anymore. They went to the family paediatrician. The doctor tells Nate that Aaron was unrecognisable. She asked him what he likes to do, he said cook, so the doctor gave him $20 and told him to cook for his brother, and that she was an investor and needed a business plan. A week later he returned to the doctor with a tray of cookies and a big smile. He pays his big brother $2 a day to help out and he gives a portion of his proceeds to the charities that helped Eric.

Oprah says the story is beautiful but she is crying because the doctor did not just put Eric on anti-depressants. God Bless You she says. That is amazing. Angela noticed a change immediately. Aaron got a sense of pride and self-esteem. He thinks of his brother with every cookie he makes. His favourite cookie is inspired by Paula Dean, his favorite chef, the recipe: chocolate gooey butter cookies. In comes Paula Dean with a tray of cookies and hugs Eric. She hugs Angela and Oprah.

Paula Dean, Food Network superstar, built her empire from working out of home cooking up lunches. She turned to her kitchen when she lost her parents. Only in the kitchen would she be able to forget about her loss. She says Aaron can go to the kitchen and celebrate his brother’s life and make his brother proud. Nate recounts the kitchen challenges they have at home- they’ve been through five mixers, the oven is broken and they broke a wooden spoon. Paula remembers she broke a bowl on the Oprah Show. Lowe’s donates a $10,000 gift card to Aaron to outfit the kitchen for his business. The audience each get a $100 gift card. And Lowe’s will donate to two of Aaron’s favourite charities for each gift card that is purchased between now and Valentine’s Day, with a guaranteed donation of $125,000 each to Casey Cares and Make A Wish.

Paula and Nate have cooked up one more surprise for Aaron, they are going to fly him to Georgia to get a behind the scenes look at how Paula’s business works. They look at Paula’s brand new heels that aren’t even hers. Oprah thanks everyone.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

There is a three cat limit, beyond this a line has been crossed

The best-kept dating secret is the divorced man

When dating you are not Human Resources: stop interviewing

In grief, the date does not have the power, the memory has the power

In the kitchen, one can be creative and temporarily forget loss

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Finding a partner is not the same as buying a car or ordering a pizza.