Every time a new episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show airs in 2010, we will blog along with it. If you have plenty of time, read the long version. If you are pressed for time, read the “What we learned today” summary. If you are really, really pressed for time, read the Twitter-sized summary.

Archive for category Public Service Announcement

Date: April 26th, 2010
File Under: Marriage, Public Service Announcement, Relationships, Tragedy
2 comments

Episode 55: Stay Alive

Oprah would like us to listen to a tape recording of a 38 year old woman stuffed in a garbage can with duct tape around her wrist, ankles and face. The operator asks what she needs and the woman reports she is in the back of a green Dodge 4×4 and her husband is trying to kill her- she’s in the back of the car and doesn’t know where she is going. The operator asks if she is handcuffed and she says that she is bound by masking tape.

That was the frantic voice of Teri, a mother of two who should be dead but survived, says Oprah. Oprah is so tired of seeing headline after headline of women hurt or killed at the hands of their abusive partners. Based on the statistics, Oprah assumes everyone is with, or knows someone who is with, a man who is capable of becoming violent. That is why she is really happy to have Gavin De Becker back who has advised everyone from the CIA to World Leaders on how to be more safe. His book, which he wrote 10 years ago “The Gift of Fear”, is a gift that Oprah thinks everyone should give their daughter. Gavin says when a man kills his spouse or girlfriend, it is often predictable and  preventable. He has developed MOSAIC, a new tool that will save lives. Oprah welcomes him back. This is his passion in life, if he was to be killed by a bus tomorrow, this is the thing which he would be most proud of, he says. It is artificial intuition, basically. It takes the factors of a situation and breaks them down, and sees the pieces of the puzzle and puts them back together so a woman can see the full picture for the first time. Say a woman is interviewed by the police and she says, yes he hits me but only after he has been drinking, or yes he is sexually abusive but only after a hard day at work, with MOSAIC there is no way to back away from the issues, they are addressed one by one. The early versions were used to assess threats for justices or the CIA, and all of a sudden it hit Gavin that these people were not getting attacked very often and he thought that the strategy should be made available to women, as one is killed by a partner every 4 hours. Oprah says that the stories we see on the news again and again scare women; being abducted or attacked by a stranger, but most are killed by someone that they know. Particularly women, says Gavin. If you look at the 3100 women who are killed each year in the US, the majority are killed by a husband or boyfriend. You can use the MOSAIC questionnaire for yourself or on behalf of someone else, it is totally anonymous. The link is on Oprah.com, it is a series of 48 questions which help assess how much of a threat an abuser poses to a family.

What is so interesting to Oprah after many interviews with domestic abuse victims, is that women always says that he doesn’t hit, but he does push- there is something that makes women think it is ok as long as there is no actual hitting. Gavin says that this is just one of the indicators- others include symbolic violence (tearing up wedding pictures or gowns), another is the pace of the relationship- when it is accelerated in the beginning that is a control strategy, another is persistence. We often confuse perseverance and persistence. Perseverance is good, but persistence does not mean that you are special, but that he is controlling. Oprah never forgot The Gift of Fear (which is now on Kindle and all women should read), if you say no to anyone in any situation and the other person persists, then you should ask why are they trying to control me. Gavin says that anyone who persists after no, be it salesperson or 2 year old, they are trying to control you. Gavin says that when a man says no it is the end of the discussion, when a woman says no it is the beginning of a negotiation. A man learns that if you buckle at the beginning of a relationship, it can cycle on- he learns that your no does not mean no, it means start the negotiation. Oprah says wow, how fantastic to have that information.

Terri, the caller in the 911 call earlier, is what Gavin calls a textbook example of how an abusive relationship can escalate to homicide. First, see what happened when Teri took Gavin’s MOSAIC test the other day.  Teri answers the questions revealing the situation prior to her being beaten with a baseball bat and shoved into a garbage can and left for dead. She had a restraining order and a divorce… MOSAIC expresses results on a scale out of 10- Teri’s situation was ranked at a 9. Had he abused alcohol, a serious factor, it would have been a 10, says Gavin. Oprah asks Gavin if he agrees that Teri sitting here is a miracle. He says it is. He says it is chilling and macabre but the reality is they study thousands of women who are killed; he has never interviewed someone who basically was killed- only by medical intervention and great policework is she alive. Oprah welcomes Teri and says that she knows that the story will save many people. They will probe into Teri’s story so that the audience can apply that information into their life.

Teri, a mother of three, came dangerously close to becoming a statistic. When she met David, she thought he was the perfect mate for her, “Good job, churchgoing, fun-loving, wanted kids,” she says. “What else could I ask for?” After three months of dating, Teri says David started talking about marriage. “I wasn’t really ready for that. It was too soon. But he persisted and persisted, so of course I said yes.”

Teri had doubts before the wedding. Her parents and friends saw the warning signs, and she did too but she didn’t want to acknowledge them.

On her wedding day, Teri says her dad asked her to reconsider. “He turned to me and said, ‘We can turn around and walk out the door,’” she says. “I thought to myself, ‘It’ll be fine.’ She thought once they were married, everything would work out well.

Teri and David’s Hawaiian honeymoon should have been paradise.. “Probably about the second day we got into a dumb little argument about what to wear on a hike. He said: ‘I’m your husband. You listen to me. You do what I say,’” she says. “Because I said no to him, I got a couple blows to my head with the palm of his hand.”  Teri says she tried to write the incident off as a fluke. “Maybe that’s all the stress that was built up from getting married,” she says. She thought maybe she could make it all better.

Oprah says that nothing that she says here today is meant to be in judgement of Teri, Teri nods. Oprah knows that Teri is here to help people.  Before the wedding, Teri thought: ‘I don’t know if I want to do this. I’ve seen his temper. My parents told me they didn’t like him. He wasn’t very respectful to my parents or to his own parents. And I saw this. But being the type of person I am, I thought ‘Well, I’ll marry him and I’ll fix it. I’ll make him happy. He’ll be a better person when he’s married to me.’ I fooled myself.” Oprah asks Gavin to walk us through the red flags. First Gavin says that “being the type of person I am” is now the type of person that Teri was. Now she has the courage to do what she is doing. Intuition is there, showing the warning signs. Teri knew that things were not right.  It is not typical for a father to say that they can leave just before the wedding. Gavin says there’s a big difference between cold feet and running for your life. “If you say: ‘I don’t know if I’m ready. I don’t know if I want to be in a marriage,’ that’s a different animal from: ‘I have fear. I have fear of this person,’” he says. There’s no role for fear in marriage. Fear is the real indicator there. The other thing is the profoundly accelerated pace. You don’t have to do it if it is too fast.

Oprah asks Teri what questions stood out for her when she took the MOSAIC test. The huge standout for her was, Does he take responsibility for his actions. He never did, with her, his job, with anything in his life he always blamed others. Oprah says that she never gets the moment that you are hit it is humiliating and degrading- what did Teri tell herself to overcome that? Teri says “The first thought that came into my mind was, ‘I’m leaving,’ But he had the flight tickets. He had the credit card. He had everything. I felt sort of stuck.”  “But then I started thinking, logically, ‘Well, my parents don’t want to come down to Hawaii and get me.’” Then she thought maybe she’ll listen t him and do what he wants next time to make him happy and then it won’t happen.

Oprah asks if her danger signs went off. The first thing she did was to pick up the phone to call the police but she didn’t know if 911 worked in Hawaii. Gavin says all her original instincts were correct. “So it comes up into your mind, which is a total gift, these ideas, these plans, and then we start to debate and prosecute our own ideas and go through this process that lets us stay in situations we don’t want to be in.”

Oprah says that Teri was divorced, is it true that most spousal murders happen after the spouse leaves? Absolutely, Gavin says, most spousal murders happen after the woman leaves. “About 77 percent of the time,” he says. “That’s why you need help because separation, estrangement, that’s the time that the homicides happen.” Oprah asks if the situation escalated after the divorce? Teri says yes, it continued to escalate. “We had police intervention many times. We shared custody of our two daughters, so there was always that back and forth. We always had to see one another,” she says. “The name-calling, the hitting—it just continued to get worse and worse. The thumbing the nose at the court orders. Anything he could possibly do to stay in control and to say, ‘I am in charge.’”

Oprah asks Gavin to address what people should do when they have to communicate- when there has to be contact because of the children. Gavin says that it has to be addressed and it does not lend itself well to a magazine article or TV show. The biggest message Gavin can share is you cannot do this entirely alone. The good news is you don’t have to, there are resources such as thehotline.org and women shelters in the community. Often it is the last place women want to to go to, but it is like an emergency room- you go when you have to. A battered women’s shelter knows what to do about the kids and the bank account and the emergency plan. They can help. One of the things we often hear is “I was hit” and people ask if it is a clue. It is not a clue, it is the conclusion, it is the end of the mystery. Being hit says that it is over and done. Being hit does not work in relationships and it does not usually get better. It is a rare circumstance that it happens once only and the relationship improves, says Gavin.

Oprah says that we often mistake control for being really loved- Gavin says abusers are typically controlling and exercising complete control means giving the other person a lot of attention. “We’re brought up to think attention equals love,” he says. “Control doesn’t equal love.”

Gavin De Becker has used his thirty plus years in the security business to help women find out if they are at risk of being murdered by an abuser. One Saturday, January 31, 2004, five years after her divorce, Teri drove to her ex-husband David’s Wisconsin house to pick up the girls. When she arrived, David told Teri the girls were playing hide-and-seek and invited Teri inside, which seemed odd. Oprah says that the funny feeling Teri had about that is like a little whisper to says that is strange or odd. This is what can happen when you ignore it.

“My gut was saying, ‘Why is he letting me come in his house?’” Teri says. “Right away I knew, this is kind of weird. He hasn’t allowed me in his house since the day I left. But I was cold. My car was running out of gas,” she says. “Most of all, my kids were hiding. They wanted me to come find them, and I didn’t want to disappoint them.” She overlooked, and talked herself out of, that feeling. “I walked into the foyer, and I remember saying, ‘Gee, I wonder where they are?’” she says. “And, bam, a blow to the back of the head.” Teri says David continuously struck her with a baseball bat, numerous times. “He said: ‘You always said I abused you. Now you can see what abuse really is.” When he was trying to strangle Teri. “He was saying: ‘Go to sleep. Just go to sleep. Just stop breathing,’” she says. “He was mad again that he was ordering me to stop breathing and I wasn’t.”

Teri says David then duct-taped her wrists and ankles and her entire face. “He then had this big garbage can. I could feel he was putting me in it,” she says. “I’m bleeding everywhere. I’m in this garbage bin, and he’s filling it up with snow. What started going through my head was, ‘I’m going to die today.’”

Oprah asks what happened next. Teri says she didn’t die. “He put me on the back of his truck and actually he went back in the house and I knew it had to be to get the kids,” she says. “Knowing that they were 4 and 6, it would take a few minutes.” Remembering she had her cell phone in her pocket, Teri managed to dial 911. She tells people to practice dialing 911 with their eyes closed. “It took just a few minutes and I heard sirens. But by that time, he came back to the truck, started it up and we were on our way,” she says. The police were looking at his home for something and didn’t know that we were on the road. “I heard the sirens pass me right up.” Teri didn’t know but when she was in the back of the truck, David went to Milwaukee and dumped her car. He went through a drive through and had the girls in the cab at the front. “At one point I thought, ‘I’m going to stick my hand out, because the lid wasn’t on the garbage can, and somebody is going to see a hand hanging out and call the police,” she says. “His truck stopped after that. He came back. I was either hit in the head with a baseball bat or kicked.” At that point her phone rang, she doesn’t know who called and none of her friends will admit to it. “He took the phone. He got back in the cab, drove around. I was blacking in and out. I had no idea how long it was.”

As she learned later, David had driven across state lines to Illinois and stopped at a storage locker. She was lifted up inside the garbage can and dragged into the locker. He left her inside an unheated storage locker in January. “All I remember is boxes and all these things being slid against the floor,” she says. “I had no idea where I was.” Teri says intuition told her to play dead. Then, Teri says David stacked anything he could on top of and around the garbage can. “There was no way I was getting out of there,” she says. She heard the door closed and figured that he had left. Teri was trapped for more than 20 hours in the freezing cold. Doctors estimate Teri only had an hour left to live when she was discovered—her body temperature dropped to 84 degrees.

Det. Chris Schooling was one of the police officers on the case and he is in the audience. Oprah asks how they found Teri. He says there was an amber alert put out. Authorities were tipped off by Teri’s first call, which they interpreted as a woman who had difficulty breathing. The deputies made forced entry into the home and they saw signs of struggle and some blood. Interviews with neighbors escalated suspicion as one reported seeing Teri’s car hitched to David’s truck. An Amber Alert was issued. David was arrested at work right after leaving Teri in the storage locker. Teri eventually lost all of her toes to frostbite. Oprah asks what happened after he was picked up. “He’s picked up, and he’s real matter of fact,” Det. Schmaling says. David was very articulate, they told him that ‘There’s an Amber Alert. Where’s your wife? Where’s your kids?’ and he said, ‘I just dropped my children off at Elmwood Park, Illinois, to a girlfriend’s house’ and hasn’t seen Teri since the Wednesday prior.”

Oprah asks Gavin how women can stay safe if they still have to see their exes because of the children. Gavin says that it is the toughest question. Gavin says all abuse cases are tough, but it’s even more difficult to leave when there are children involved. Seek help, Gavin says. Women looking to leave a violent situation with their children can turn to TheHotline.org, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) or contact a local battered women’s shelter. “There is no other way to develop all that you’d have to do,” he says. “It’s like going into the witness protection program. There are so many parts to an escape plan.”

Oprah says that the most important thing to say to women in this situation is that you have to have a plan, and the shelters and hotlines will help you to get a plan. Gavin says that a relationship that is difficult to be in, will also be difficult to exit.  That leverage is often used to keep women in by the men. Most often, women are told that they will be killed if they leave. It takes courage and you can not do it alone.

Oprah says that what most people didn’t realise is that the option is you will be killed if you leave or you will die a little every day that you stay. Gavin says that he interviewed a woman who said that she feared she might be killed. Gavin said that he asked what advice the woman would give her teenage daughter, and she said she would tell her daughter to leave. The woman didn’t know what the difference between her and her daughter was- Gavin told her that the teenager has the mother and the mother does not have herself. She had lost herself so much.

Oprah asks Det. Schooling how they found David. After six hours of interrogation, which was basically begging and pleading on the part of the police, David wouldn’t tell them. David asked for a break at 3.30am—and detectives went through his wallet, which was packed with business cards. “He goes back to his cell, wraps himself in a warm blanket and falls fast asleep. Unbeknownst to us, she’s lying there dying,” he says. “So we go back, we take a look at this wallet, we find a business card. That business card is to a storage facility in Wheeling, Illinois.” They were suspicious that a Racine County, Wisconsin man had a storage locker in Illinois. Wow that is good detective work says Oprah. The crowd applaud. Det. Schmaling and his partner, Det. Keith Dobesh, called the number on the card. “The storage facility said he had been there the prior day,” Keith says. “They had gone out to the unit, and they had actually heard her voice inside the unit pleading for help.” Wow, says Oprah. They told the facility to hang up and call 911 and that is when they found her.

Wow, says Oprah. She asks Gavin what we learn from this. As always the message is to listen to your intuition. “We learned that being out of a relationship, particularly if there’s custody and children, you’re not really out of it. You’re just out of it on paper,” he says. “Getting truly out of it takes a lot of work and a lot of effort, and you can’t do it alone.” Oprah asks if you are ever truly out of it when someone is violent. In cases where men don’t let go and persist, there are cases where women relocate to different states. It is like the Witness Protection Program. There are so many extreme answers, and we look for the simple answers. Questions are complicated, not simple, especially when you have kids. “The best thing is identifying these warning signs before you get into relationships and before you get kids, when it’s possible,” he says. Oprah says that she never forgot from Gavin’s book, that we are the only animals who will have that feeling of intuition and walk into the fear. Any other animal without reason or thinking will leave. Gavin says that an antelope does not go and check if a lion is in the bush, if he feels it is the case. That is where it is about instinct says Oprah. It is about intuition and respecting your opinion and recognizing that your opinion is as valid as his opinion, says Gavin. Which is not how it culturally works.

Oprah asks Gavin what Teri could have done to prevent this form happening. Gavin says that earlier in the relationship, it would have be eneasier to end it. “At those times, the men are usually less invested emotionally. It’s much easier to end a relationship early than it is to end it later on because of that emotional investment.” Gavin says, “I often say the first time a woman is beaten, she is a victim. And the second time, she is a volunteer,” he says. “That’s a very controversial thing for some people because they think I’m blaming the victim. But what I’m actually doing is saying, ‘If you don’t recognize that staying in that relationship is a choice, you’ll never recognize that leaving the relationship is a choice.’” Staying in a relationship for a long time is the number one thing that people can do differently.  A lot of people believe that they can’t leave. The history  of marriage is about property, the woman is the man’s property. Gavin had a case recently where a 24 year old man was having sex with a 17 year old girl. He is going to do 28 years in prison because of that, if she had been 18 there would be no crime, because at 18 you don’t belong to your father anymore- you are your own property. Gavin is not saying that marriage is bad, he likes marriage but he does not own his wife, he does not own his kids. The culture says that she doesn’t have the freedom when she is married, she is led to believe. There was a part of Teri that believed David when he said she was married now to him and that he was in charge. It’s like you are bought and paid for, says Teri. Wow, says Oprah.

David is now serving a life sentence for kidnapping and attempted murder. (The crowd applaud) Though he’s behind bars, Teri says she still fears him. “He’s an angry, bitter person that will never ever change,” she says. He is not trying to be a better person. Teri says he never showed any remorse in court. “The judge even said to him, ‘Would you like to say anything?’ And he said, ‘Not at this time.’ And the judge said, ‘This is your time,’” she says. “He didn’t even have the decency to get up and say, ‘I don’t care about Teri, but I’m sorry what I did to my kids.’” Nothing. Thank you Teri, your story is going to save some people today, says Oprah. Oprah is glad that Teri is alive to tell her story.Oprah says so many women stay because they say that he is doing this to me but he cares about the kids, what does Gavin have to say about that? Gavin says that a relationship that is violent is not good for anyone. As a young girl sees her mother receive those blows, so is she likely to in the future. As a young boy sees the father deliver those blows, so is he likely to. That is what you are teaching your kids. Kids don’t do what you say, they do what you do, says Oprah. Thank you Teri and Mr De Becker, says Oprah. Gavin’s cutting edge MOSAIC assessment is available to everybody watching today for free, it may save a life. Go get this book, the Gif of Fear, it is a must read. Everybody in the audience gets a copy (they cheer). Oprah also says that she sounds like a nag but make your car a no-phone zone. Bye everybody.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

If you say no to anyone in any situation and the other person persists, then you should ask why is that person trying to control you.

When a man says no it is the end of the discussion, when a woman says no it is the beginning of a negotiation.

There’s no role for fear in marriage.

Your instincts are a gift, follow them.

A relationship that is difficult to be in, will also be difficult to exit.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

We are the only animals who will ignore our intuition and walk into the fear: every 4 hours a woman in the US is killed by her partner.


Date: April 22nd, 2010
File Under: Celebrity, Public Service Announcement, Transformation
1 comment

Episode 53: Superstar Mary J Blige & Malaak Rock

We love ourselves some Mary J Bilge here in Harpo land because she never disappoints, says Oprah. Even hopping on a plane today in a last minute crunch. She’s our friend but today she shows us a side that we have never seen before. But first, let’s see her big, big, big career. She has been lighting up our stage for years. Over the past 2 decades she has dug deep into her personal pain to connect with fans on an emotional level. Her soul inspired music has won her nine Grammy awards. In true MBJ fashion, her new album, Stronger With Each Tear, shot to number one on the Billboard Charts.

Many people may not know that Mary J has a rocker chick side. She’s a huge Led Zeppelin fan. Singing their classic hit Stairway to Heaven, here is Mary J Bilge, says Oprah. She sings, wearing her shades.

Who knew you were a Led Zeppelin fan and a rocker chick? Asks Oprah. Mary J says that she heard the song when she was 5, her father was a hippy and she heard this music all the time. She heard it again a couple of months ago and her body just froze. It was a memory hit, says Oprah. The new album is called Stronger With Each Tear, what does that mean to you asks Oprah? “For so long I felt like a weakling because I cried,” Mary says. Because she was trying to be so strong for everyone, for the world. “But I feel like I’m cool with that vulnerability now. I’m stronger with each tear. I’m stronger after every mistake I make because I’m not going to make those mistakes anymore.” Arent we all, yeah says Oprah. The crowd applaud.

We all see Mary as a strong passionate woman who overcame a rough childhood, abuse and addiction, says Oprah. When she offered to take the Oprah Show to the projects in Yonkers, New York, where she grew up, Oprah knew that this was an opportunity for young girls everywhere to dream big.

With Oprah Show cameras in tow, Mary returned to her childhood home.  This is where I grew up, she says. It was her mom and sister when they first moved here. She would walk out of her building and this woman was being beaten and it looked like her head came off when he slapped her. She’ll never forget it. Women were out here getting beaten, screaming, you know, they were running out of their houses naked, and it affected her a lot as a child. Mary turns round to see her old neighbor, Nancy. They say hi and Mary tells her she should change, she is on the Oprah WInfrey Show. This is her building, and seeing all the abuse hurt her and affected her because she suffered abuse too. There was no way round it, it was as if they had it programmed into their psyches that this is the way that they were supposed to live as women. It was relentless.

They go upstairs to the third floor, waiting for the elevator. They had some fun, says Mary, but there was so much violence and abuse and drugs and the constant threat of rape or something. They used to get stuck in the elevator, don’t be stuck in here with a water bug. On the third floor they used to live near some of their friends, Rest In Peace Helen and Paul they are all gone. She knocks on her old door and a dog barks but no one answers. They would try and get away from people by going to the back of the building but they’d often run into abuse, where women would be getting a beating where the men thought no one could see them. It came full circle, she says. “I could have been dead because of this environment,” she says. “But because of this environment, I’m alive too.”

Oprah says that when you go home, wherever that may be, it is always smaller than you imagine it to be. Mary said that it did feel small but that she felt loved, this is it, this is where she goes home, this is where she was raised. Oprah says that before Mary became a superstar she vowed to get out of Yonkers and help the women whose screams kept her awake as a child. She did exactly that, take a look.

This is the Mary J. Blige Center for Women and she is so proud of this place. Last year she opened the learning center for struggling young women. They go into a GED class, then a computer room where women can search for jobs and create résumés. “My thing is if you save women, you save the world,” Mary says.

In 2009, Mary opened the doors to the Mary J. Blige Center for Women. The learning center serves struggling young women in Yonkers. It offers GED classes and has a computer lab. The center also provides childcare. “This is probably one of the most important places because when women are looking for jobs, a lot of time they don’t have babysitters,” she says. “That’s another thing that holds them back.” A 33 year old single mother of three was never able to go back to school, and that is why she is here. Mary says they’re just getting started. “From mothers to daughters to aunts, black, white, it doesn’t matter who you are: If you need help, the Mary J. Blige Center for Women is here,” she says. “It’s starting small, but we’re going to get bigger.”

Mary takes the cameras to Yonkers Pier because this is where things started. This is where she began to dream and have visions of what her life could be. She knew that she was going to get out of the projects.   “I remember one day being here. I was sitting there, and it was a cloudy day. I started praying. I was really depressed that day, and I was crying and I was, like, ‘Father, if there’s a way out, please show me,’” she says. “As I was asking him that, the sky was full of clouds and it opened up and the sun came down. And I knew at that moment I was going to get out.”

Wow, says Oprah, that’s a miracle moment. Mary says it was real, real true, and she said thanks to God, of course. My Life, No More Drama and now Stronger With Each Tear, Mary’s new album- her albums are like little diaries of her life says Oprah. Oprah loves that Mary says that looking back at her music is like therapy for her, and that she says you have to learn to forgive that which you can’t forget. Mary says that is what works for her, she sdoesnt know what works for others. She has lived through so much hatred for herself that it turned into hatred for other people. Oprah asks if she knew it was hatred for herself? No she didn’t but when she did she had to realise that she had to let go of these people and release them to God, otherwise she would suffer so she had to forgive the unforgettable, for real. It is no cakewalk but it really works. You have to surrender what it is that is keeping you captive forever and she can’t give or show love through her eyes or music if she doesn’t have it. She is no angel but she does the best she can honestly. She says to God that she is not perfect but help her with this. They laugh. Oprah knows what she is saying

Mary says never forgetting where she came from has led to the greatest joy in her life—the ability to give back. Her charity, Foundation for the Advancement of Women Now (FFAWN), allows Mary to help the women whose screams kept her up at night as a child. “It’s a dream come true,” she says. Mary is also mentoring high school students at the Women’s Academy of Excellence, the only public all-girls school in the Bronx. Mary is so excited by this, she wishes that she was one of these young women growing up. Mary dropped out of high school in the 11th grade, which she deeply regrets. Mary has adopted the school whose goal is to get the girls to college.Even getting the uniforms is a struggle for these low income families. Mary is in the classroom, she wants these girls to do something she never did—graduate with a high school diploma. “When I was growing up, it wasn’t cool to be educated, so I fell into that slump,” she says. “When you’re in a peer pressure situation where you’re forced to do what everyone else does to survive, then you end up like I did.”  “When you’re educated, you’re confident,” she says. “You know what you’re speaking about. You know who you are.” This spring the first class will graduate and many will go to college thanks to Mary’s help. The students find Mary to be inspiring and motivating, they are extremely thankful to her.

Wow says Oprah. What does it mean to Mary to give back to these girls? It means everything to her, says Mary. “I’m living vicariously through them, I wish I was them. I wish that I was graduating.” And they wish that they were you, says Oprah. Yeah, but can you understand what I am saying, says Mary. Yeah. Thanks to Carol’s Daughter for their contribution, a company owned by herself, Jada Pinkett, Will Smith and JayZ who have contributed money and scholarships to send these women to college. The only way she feels to give back is to be beautiful, to be smart, but it all starts in here, but it starts here so you want to put lotion on your body real good, so go get some Carols’ Daughter Lotion or make up.

Oprah thinks it is shocking that Mary has all this growth and is truly amazing and is not yet 40. What is Mary’s dream for herself for her 40’s? “I strive to be educated, to grow older gracefully, be happy and comfortable with myself,” she says. “And to have helped more women with my walk—not with what I’m saying but what they’re seeing.” Oprah asks what has been her greatest learning tool? Letting go of the ignorance and pride that you cant teach me anything. That comes from being married but at the end of day its about surrendering for yourself, for you. Fantastic, says Oprah, Mary will be back to perform a song at the end of the hour.

She’s married to one of the funniest men on the planet, but Chris Rock’s wife Malaak Compton-Rock is completely serious about why she is here. Her hopes zest and zeal for her new book, If It Takes A Village, Build One, catches on and spreads across the country. Oprah asks why she is so passionate about giving back. Malaak comes from a family of volunteers, her mom in the audience was a 60’s activist and she read the books of Marian Wright Edelman, founder of the Children’s Defense Line, as a child. For her, service is the rent you pay for living. Oprah loves that. Malaak has met people and been to places that she never would have been to otherwise. Oprah wants people to know that this is not a celebrity wife thing, it is part of who Malaak is. She used to work for UNICEF where she realized that the folks in the field are doing God‘s work, and it was a huge inspiration. Malaak took 30 at risk kids to South Africa on a Journey For Change. CNN’s Soledad O’Brian covered that trip, take a look.

These kids come from the Salvation Army community center that her husband attended as a child. The kids went to volunteer for two weeks in South Africa. As kids who were on the receiving end of aid, Malaak hoped that this experience will give them confidence and let them know that they have something to give.  The kids are welcomed by aid workers who take them to visit local homes with no running water, plumbing or electricity. The kids know American poverty but this makes them cry. They take supplies to the family and realize that their giving makes a difference. Malaak sees changes in each of the kids. All of the kids have so much potential, and she loves them all and will be there for all of them.

Malaak and Chris believe in leading by example, especially when it comes to their daughters. This is something any family can do in any afternoon. Their 5 and 7 year old are learning all the ways in which they can give. This day they are going to deliver food and donate toys to a local shelter. The kids pick out toys to donate from their playroom. They go to a bagel store and they get enough food for 150 people. They go to a food assistance center where families in need go for dinner and they run a  shelter. They help plate the food and give it out. They clean up and talk to some of the people eating.

Oprah finds it so interesting that Malaak‘s mom was an activist, and now Malaak is and her children will see that and that is how you pass it on. Oprah asks if the man at the bagel place just gave them all that food. He did, he was throwing away 100s of bagels a day before he knew that he could donate them. Chris is a silent giver, she says. He has been giving back to the center since he made his first dollar. Oprah asks what he thinks of her work? He supports everything she does and he is a phenomenal father. She couldn’t go and hold other people’s babies in South Africa every few months if she didn’t know that he was at home holding her babies.

When you give back, it gives to you. If you give a gift, why not give something that gives back? In their family, they have the give a gift, get a gift policy. Before they can play with new toys, they have to pick out an equal number from their playroom to give away. They then donate their gifts, which is a great way to teach her about giving. Oprah says that we should do that with our shoes too. Some of Malaak’s favorite products which give back include Laga handbags. A family who were moved by the tsunami, who are originally from Indonesia, now have Indonesian women make the bags for an above fair wage. Red is a business, they make money to help eradicate Aids in Africa. Red products help fund the eradication of AIDS. This coffee is Starbucks, it costs the same as regular, but $1 from each purchase goes to help. A Starbucks swipe gift card gives 5c each time it is used. Everyone loves chocolate, yes we do says Oprah. Divine chocolate is made in Ghana where the farmers are getting a fair wage, and they also own 45% of the company. The white chocolate is to die for, says Malaak. The UNICEF greetings cards help women and children across the world. Thanks you, says Oprah.

Oprah has a little business to do, but Mary wants to mention that 30% of each Carol’s Daughter purchase goes to FFAWN. Malaak and Mary have agreed to sign the pledge. Malaak needs to improve, the pledge is a wake up call. Mary can not multitask so this is easy for her. They sign. Coming soon on April 30th is National No Phone Day. Mary is going to sing Each Tear, the title track from her new CD, Stronger With Each Tear. She sings, the crowd applaud. Oprah says wow and they hug. Goodbye everybody.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

If you save women, you save the world.

You have to learn to forgive that which you can’t forget.

When you give back, it gives back to you.

Teach your children to give unto others.

Pass on activism to your children by being an activist.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

God told Mary J Blige she could get out of the projects by revealing sunshine on a cloudy day.

Date: April 21st, 2010
File Under: Betrayal, Public Service Announcement, Tragedy
2 comments

Episode 52: The Most Dangerous Child Sex Offenders in America

Right here in America there is an island where hundreds of the nations most violent sex offenders are being held and treated. Cameras are almost never allowed inside this controversial facility, but our own Lisa Ling was granted rare access. Here is why you need to watch- what we learn from these predators could and perhaps will save your children. It is Part 3 in our in-depth series of child sexual abuse and already the response has been everything we hoped for and more. Young victims are coming forward and in some cases the abuse has actually been stopped. Here’s a look back at parts 1 and 2, says Oprah.

They air extracts from February’s episode where child sexual offenders confessed their crimes. A week later they explored the rarely discussed topic of mother’s who molest their own children. They air extracts from the show.

Both of those shows struck a nerve for so many viewers and we will hear from them a little later, says Oprah. But first, Lisa Ling’s report from a place in America that is home to the nation’s most violent sex offenders. Lisa says that they are one hour outside of Seattle, in a beautiful town known for it’s luxurious homes. That is not where they are going. They are about to board a ferry to a small island where 300 of Washington’s State most dangerous sexual predators are housed. At the port, Lisa is met by Kelly Cunningham, the superintendent of this special commitment center on McNeil Island. This is a mental health facility for Level 3 sexual predators, Lisa says. “The worst of the worst.” All the people on the island have completed their prison terms. Yes, this is a civil commitment, says Kelly. “It’s not voluntary, not by any means,” Kelly says. “Our primary purpose is public safety. We don’t want any more victims.”

After serving their prison sentences in Washington State Prison, violent sexual predators who were deemed too dangerous to return to society, were committed to McNeil Island indefinitely. As they pull up, Lisa says that it looks more like a prison than a treatment center.  Lisa tours the $60 million facility with Kelly. First, she visits the control center where guards monitor 200 security cameras. This is the heart of the institution. “There are only three other facilities in the country that have a similar system,” Kelly says. “They’re all super max prisons.” Despite the need for high-level security, most residents roam freely around the 5-acre campus. Walking through the yard they are approached by a man. Lisa asks Kelly is they can talk to the gentleman on camera. Lisa asks him if he should be here or should be kept away from the general population. He says no, not after treatment, he would not reoffend, he would not want to.

Inside is set up like a college dormitory with a gym, rec room and library. Computers and TV’s are permitted in the rooms but the internet is strictly off limits and only approved TV shows are allowed. Phone calls can be made freely but no inappropriate phone calls are allowed. Lisa asks what kinds of magazines are permitted. “Something as seemingly benign as a catalog isn’t allowed,” Kelly says. “We’ve had residents take those catalogs and tear out the pictures of the little kids in their underwear and use them for deviant fantasies.” Lisa learns that about 60 percent of McNeil Island’s residents are pedophiles.

Wow, says Oprah, Lisa joins us by Skype from North Hollywood, California. Oprah asks what it was like for her- as “all of us in this business” have been in uncomfortable situations- but what did it feel like to be with so many people who molest children?

“This assignment was certainly one of the most disturbing assignments of my career, especially to be amongst so many people with literally thousands of offenses toward children,” she says. “But I really tried to approach this with an open mind.” We are increasingly hearing more warped stories about child molestation in this country, but Lisa wanted to understand the behavior more.  “I believe that the only way to be able to treat this issue is if we understand the behavior.”

So these people have served their prison time, who decides that they spend more time here? Asks Oprah. All of the residents, as they are called, have been before a judge and review board who will determine if the person is fit to be out in society or have to go to the civil commitment facility, explains Lisa. They can stay there indefinitely – they have the option of going in to treatment, and only if they go through the process and get reevaluated, do they have any chance of leaving, otherwise if they refuse treatment they stay indefinitely. Oprah asks how effective the treatment is? Well, no one knows definitively. Since its inception in 1990, 4 residents have been able to leave unconditionally and 16 others have been able to leave with supervision. But we are talking about a small number of the hundreds of residents. Oprah asks if they are a population who cannot control their sexual desires, what is going on there in the facility? Lisa says that they are stringently monitored, there are cameras everywhere and it is set up like a prison. Sex with other residents is strictly forbidden. Oprah asks if Lisa believed the man who said that he didn’t need treatment. Lisa says that initially most people say that they need to be there before treatment, but that if that man who is having treatment says that he is able to control his behavior then he may not reoffend. This is a controversial program, Lisa says, in a sense these people are being sent to this island to prevent them from committing crimes that they haven’t yet committed. There’s a lot of debate about this, says Lisa. Oprah says that she knows a lot of families who have lost their children, their babies, to predators, who wish that there had been programs like this to stop the death of their children.

Lisa says it costs taxpayers $165,000 per resident each year to keep them on the island. Dr. Carey Sturgeon, the clinical director for McNeil Island’s special treatment program says “There are some who say that taxpayer dollars shouldn’t fund treatment,” she says. “That people who commit crimes against children or sexual crimes should just remain in prison or remain locked up without services.”"I guess I want to live in a world where we believe in grace and that people can change,” she says. “Knowing that treatment can work for sex offenders is one way of living that.”

For the first time ever, Dr. Sturgeon allows cameras to film her therapy session with a group of convicted sex offenders. Not all of the residents want their faces shown. Lisa is introduced to the group. Since therapy is voluntary, Lisa says less than half of the residents participate. The ones who do are required to go to group sessions three times a week. While sitting in on the session, Lisa meets Brent, a man who has multiple convictions against both boys and girls. He talks about his victims and his deviant thoughts- he was attracted to the way the children looked. After an hour in the therapy session, Lisa says “When Brent first started talking, it was very uncomfortable for me,” she says. “It felt very, very awkward sitting there listening to the things that he had done.” She says that she looked around the room and it became clear to her that everyone else in the room had engaged in similar behaviors- she tried to just listen. It was certainly challenging, is seemed as an addiction and whether it can be cured, or not, all she tried to do was listen.

After therapy, Brent agreed to talk more with Lisa in his room. She asks why he asked to be here- one reason is that he saw one of his victims in the courtroom and didn’t want to put anyone through that process again. Lisa asks him how many victims? Over the years, he says he’s molested more than 40 children. Lisa asks what his life was like on the outside; he was married for 9 1/2 years he says and has 3 children. He says that he molested other children throughout his marriage but was never sexually attracted to his own. Lisa asks what would be going through his mind when he was around children he was attracted to. He says he would experience sexual preoccupation. “putting them in a role, elevating them to like a partner instead of seeing them as a child,” he says. When he was 10-11, he was a victim of sexual abuse from the man down the street. Lisa says that she was struck in group that he said he would go to church to look for victims. Brent says that it was to spend time with them, not find them.  “Some of my victims attended the same church that I did,” he says. “So that was a place for me to go and spend time with them.” It was part of his front, that he believed in God, that he was going to church, that everything was ok. Lisa asks if there was always penetration.  With almost every victim—up to 98 percent—Brent says the assaults involved sexual penetration. There was occasional touches through clothes but almost always there would be penetration, whether that would be anally or orally. “If you are able to get off this island, do you think you’ll ever be able to be around children?” Lisa asks.

“Realistically? Probably not. Not in the sense of having interpersonal relationships,” he says. “I never offended against my children. They’re adults now. But to be around say, my grandkids? No. My nephews? Nieces? No. No. That’s not an option, and that’s a tough one to take.”

Back in the studio, Oprah says to Lisa that Brent is one of the more enlightened ones as he knows that he cant be around children. Lisa says that she was told that during treatment the residents often come to realize that they may get off the island but they will still have fantasies about children, they know that they would engage in wrong behavior. Oprah asks if Lisa got a sense that Brent had a sense of remorse? Lisa says that she got the feeling that after a lot of treatment, he had a sense of what he had done wrong. He is someone who said that he would have reoffended when he got out of prison, and that is why he asked to be sent to the island.

Oprah says that we are watching this so that If you have ever been molested, or if you have children, to understand and get into the minds of predators. Out of the nearly 300 residents on McNeil Island, only one is a woman. Until now, Laura has never spoken to a reporter about her crimes against children.

Lisa is in the housing unit for the one female resident, to see if she is willing to talk. She is a little intimidated by this but agrees to talk if there is Lisa and one camera man only. Lisa thanks Laura. Lisa asks her why she’s here. In 1989, Laura was sent to prison for the first-degree rape of a child. Lisa asks if Laura should be here-absolutely says Laura. Lisa asks if she is a danger to society and Laura says that is a tough one, she’ll just say that she has more things to work on. Lisa asks how many offenses she has committed? Laura says she took responsibility for 15 offenses, but she says she’s guilty of many more. “I would say, as I said in all of my testings and stuff, that I’ve done, I would say, 100 or more,” she says. Before she was arrested, Laura was a caretaker for babies and toddlers. She admits she sexually abused her young victims while babysitting them. Lisa asks what would go through her mind when Laura was offending “It’s not like every time I see a kid, I get aroused and know I want to hurt them,” she says. “It’s being in the line of their care, like having to bathe them or change them or take care of them physically … I did bad things, really bad things.” Once, Laura says she almost killed one of her victims by suffocating her with a pillow. “I had a friend there, so that got interrupted, which I was very glad for after the fact,” she says. Lisa asks if anything would have stopped her- Laura says she doesn’t think anything would have stopped her.”I didn’t need to groom my victims because they were so young,” she says. “But I did have to groom their parents.” Laura says she groomed low-income, drug-addicted moms by offering them drugs and alcohol.

Lisa asks her what things parents should be aware of. “Don’t just let any Joe Blow babysit your kids. If your kids are uncomfortable around that person or they don’t want to leave with that person, don’t make them go,” she says. Lisa asks if there were signs, if people were paying attention? Yes, that’s the thing says Laura. “I think that there are actually more women out there just like me. I just think they haven’t been caught.” “Back when I was offending, if I saw a parent who seemed negligent or they didn’t want to be bothered with their kid or they didn’t want to go to the park or they didn’t want to play with them or they were messy and dirty or they needed a bath, those were the kind of people that I targeted,” she says. Any child is vulnerable, says Laura, but especially those who don’t get what they need, says Laura. Lisa asks if she has had any interactions with her victims? No, she is not allowed to talk to them, she prays for them, she hopes they are happy and that their lives are not ruined by what she did. Lisa asks if she feels remorse, Laura believes that she does. She has 4 children, 4 girls, they don’t live with her and they never have. She offended against her youngest- it was more physical abuse than sexual abuse, but it was still abuse, their is no difference, she says. Lisa asks if she was molested as a child? Yes, she was, she was 7. Lisa asks if it was violent- Laura says that all molestation is violent, or rape. She has a hard time with the word molestation, because it’s like you didn’t molest, you raped. She sometimes thinks that molestation is an attempt to clean it up. So, Lisa says, you raped. Yes, says Laura.

Back in the studio, Oprah says she agrees with Laura- the word molestation gives everyone a break. Lisa was shocked by Laura’s candor and to reiterate what she said, she sought out environments where she could be in the care of children. This is why these programs they are doing are so important, to inform parents that they need to be ultra diligent: people may not have a criminal background, but they may have multiple offenses against children, like Laura did. Oprah says that she found interesting that Laura said the same as the offenders that she interviewed; they are looking for kids who are neglected and needy, whose parents have not paid attention to them. The abusers are preying on vulnerable children, often of single mothers. Lisa says that they are professional exploiters. Oprah says that the stories we hear on the news of children being chopped up and left in a ditch are the extreme stories, what we are talking about here are the rapes and sexual abuse by people that the families know, by those who gain the trust of the family. Lisa agrees that this is the most important issue- the fact that Brent went to church with his victims to build up confidence and trust within the family. Oprah says that we are looking fro the bogeyman but he may live down the street or be in the house. He may be a relative says Lisa. It often is, says Oprah.

After Oprah aired her no-holds-barred conversation with four admitted child molesters in February 2010, letters, emails and phone calls started pouring in. “We were overwhelmed by the response to that interview. So many victims and parents—and even molesters—came forward. That is exactly the reason why I wanted to do these shows,” Oprah says. “To get people to step out of the shame, to come forward, to tell somebody.” They wanted to create a platform for people to continue to share their stories. For the rest of the program, they will show just what happened when they kept that conversation going in their studio.

After her no holds barred conversation with four molesters, this is what one woman wrote: I’ve been living with the secret for 50 years and having you look into the camera and saying that it was not your fault, you were the victim, I feel  like 50 pounds have been lifted from my shoulders.”

Some people have disagreed with the point that Oprah made when she said if an abuser does his or her job well, the abuse feels good. This can add to a victim’s feelings of shame and confusion. A survivor of sexual abuse, Diane, wanted to share a differing viewpoint, based on her own violent childhood. On the phone she says that “I just wanted to make people aware that it’s not always that you’re going to feel good or get pleasure from it. A lot of times, it’s fear and intimidation. It’s abuse. It’s the fear of being beat again. It’s the abuser using abuse to get you to do what they want.” Oprah asks her how old she was when it started.  She was raped at 9 years old “There was violence throughout my childhood,” she says. “He abused us enough that, when he said he was going to do something, we believed it.” Oprah says she understands where survivors like Diane are coming from. “There are many situations where that happens,” she says. “And as I’ve said before on this show, I’m speaking broadly and in, of course, general terms.” Diane says that she does not disagree with Oprah at all, but she wanted to tell others that sometimes it is violent. Oprah asks when the abuse stopped. The abuse stopped just before Diane’s 13th birthday. Diane says she and her sister, who was abused by the same man, were intimidated into keeping their terrible secret. she says. Oprah asks if others in the household knew that it was going on? No, absolutely not- there was so much physical abuse going on that no one saw beyond that. Oprah asks why they didn’t tell? “When he said he would kill us, we believed him.” He stabbed her mom, he did so many different things that they believed what he said. I get that, says Oprah.

Since Oprah launched her series, two convicted child molesters have also come forward. Ken, one of the molesters, calls in to share a message with vulnerable children and parents. “Once a child molester, always a child molester,” he says.

First off Ken says that he was molested for 1 – 1/2 years by a man who was living with them at the time. When Ken was 10 or 11 years old, he says he was groomed and subsequently molested by a man well known to his family. Now, at 48 years old, he admits that he followed the same violent pattern. “I molested my relative, a 10-year-old girl,” Ken says. Ken says this was the only time he molested a child…but he tried unsuccessfully twice before. “I tried with two other relatives, but they didn’t let me,” he says. “I didn’t force.” “What did they do that stopped you?” Oprah asks. “One, when I started reaching my hand, she would block it, and I never actually got to touch her,” he says. “In the back of my mind, I think that child, either somebody else had done something with her or somebody taught her well. The other relative, I tried a quick, accidentally-on-purpose touch, and I got a very negative response from that person.”

The reason that Oprah is doing this series of shows is to educate parents and children on their own power. Oprah says to her girls at the school all the time- when you are 4 and 5 it’s hard to stand up for yourself and have a voice but when you get old enought to use your voie or block, you can. Oprah says this is an important takeaway for children and parents. “No molester wants trouble. No molester wants to be identified,” she says. “Train your children that, regardless of who it is, you’re not supposed to be touched in a certain way, in a certain place or you’re not supposed to allow that to happen to them. If they say no immediately, the molester is going to look to find somebody who will.”They are looking for a more vulnerable child, they will move away from the big mouth. Nobody wants to mess around with somebody who will expose them.

Oprah continued raising awareness about childhood sexual abuse in part 2 of the series by by touching on a subject that’s rarely discussed—mothers who abuse. Gregg Milligan, a man who says he was brutally raped by his mother when he was a boy, shared details of his horrific childhood. His story inspired even more victims to come forward. Tom, a 39-year-old who says he’s a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, joins Oprah on Skype to thank her for bringing Gregg’s story to light.  Unlike Gregg, Tom never got married or had children because he says he’s afraid to bring children into this world. For many years, Tom also felt lost. Tom says that the story does not compare to Gregg’s, that story brought him to tears, he feels a lot for Gregg.

“A lot of us, I guess, it happened when we were younger, 8 or 9 years old. … You really don’t have much in your life at that age but your family, and for some people, a relationship with God,” he says. “When something like that does happen, and it’s a family member, you pretty much shatter that duality of the comfort of your family and your spirituality.” Tom was lost for a long time, set himself up and sabotaged himself on a number of occasions. He thanks Oprah for talking about this; 30 years ago this was taboo and would never have happened. Oprah says that as a reporter in Baltimore she had never shared her story. She was in her 20s and a woman came on the show and told her story- she was abused by her uncle and a friend of the family. Oprah was too ashamed and even though she wanted to say that it happened to her too, she couldn’t. “I know what it’s like, and I also know how freeing it is to recognize you are not the only one,” she says. At 22, she thought she was the only one that this had happened to. Gregg says that at first you believe that it is normal and happens in every family, then there is the dramatic shift where you think that you are the only person in the world that this is happening too. So you must be a freak, adds Oprah. Oprah thanks Tom.

We know Dr. Laura Berman as a sex therapist and as the author of books like The Book of Love. However, Dr. Berman has also worked extensively with child molesters and victims of sexual abuse, and she sees the aftermath. As Oprah keeps saying, its not just the act itself, it’s what happens after the act.  Dr. Berman says that even after the abuse ends, a survivor may struggle for decades. According to Dr. Berman, long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse may include:

Poor body image because the body was the instrument used during the sexual abuse. There are often bad attitudes towards the body, seeing it as bad and dirty and that deeply affects the survivor. The common feelings are shame, guilt, isolation, depression and low self-esteem. Sexual confusion or promiscuity can be a result of not dealing with the emotions and feelings surrounding the abuse. Confusing rape or sexual abuse fantasies may be a way of taking their power back. Many victims suffer with eating disorders, obesity and anorexia- the anorexia is a way to find control in a world that feels out of control. Obesity is often used to keep sexual attraction at bay and to stop the emotions.

If these feelings are not dealt with, it can often lead to other destructive behaviors such as

  • Drug abuse and alcoholism
  • Poor decision-making in relationships
  • Difficulty with intimacy
  • Suicidal behavior

Oprah thanks Dr Laura Berman and stresses the importance of listening to our children. She says that the caller gave great advice today- if you teach your children well, if an offender comes to them and they say no, that person will move on. If you are a child, tell someone today. Tell a teacher, and if they don’t believe you, tell a friend or a parent. And if you are a parent and you have that “Hmm, something is off there” feeling, that is an instinct, that is what it feels like. This is what has to happen. Parents all across America have to risk blowing up their families and stirring up all kinds of trouble  if you want to stop the molesting of your children. Thanks and bye.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

The treatment facility on McNeil Island houses 300 Level 3 sexual predators who are deemed to be unable to return to society without re-offending.

The facility is controversial as the”residents” are there to prevent them from committing crimes that they haven’t yet committed.

Interviews with the predators reveal that parents and childrena nd society need to be ultra-vigilant in our battle to stamp out child sexual abuse.

Predators prey on the needy and vulnerable. Teach your children to speak loudly for themselves.

The offense is only one part of the equation, the aftermath can have devastating consequences for the victim, including eating disorders, poor body image, drug abuse, alcoholism and suicide.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

A child sexual predator may be in your house. Be ultra vigilant. Teach your kids that they have their own power.

Date: March 4th, 2010
File Under: Grief, Public Service Announcement, Tragedy

Episode 40: 43 Hours Lost At Sea: The Sole Survivor of the NFL Boating Tragedy

Oprah says that behind the scenes of the show, they have been talking about this story for months. This story is a complicated story of survival, it is hard to tell but they are going to try and honor everybody involved. It happened over a period of 43 hours and they are going to start at the beginning.

Nick Schuyler a personal trainer, had befriended NFL players Corey Smith and Marquis Cooper at his gym. Marquis was married with a 3-year-old daughter he adored. An experienced fisherman, he often took friends out on his 21-foot boat. Corey, the youngest of six from a tight-knight family, had just finished his season with the Detroit Lions. At the last minute, Nick invited his best friend, Will Bleakley, to join them.

On a chilly Saturday morning the men left a launch in Clearwater, Florida, at 6:30 a.m. They dropped anchor 70 miles away off the Gulf of Mexico. In late afternoon, when the weather turned, they decided to turn back. And then disaster struck. The boat flipped, tossing all 4 into the rough open water 70 miles from the shore. When the group didn’t return home, Marquis’ friend called the coastguard at 1.27am. The coastguard began the search but they only knew that the boat was a single engine boat, they knew the size and the passengers, but not the location. Nick’s sister got the call on Sunday morning that they were missing. Their Mom knew instantly that something had happened to Nick.

Coast guards helicopters planes and boats faced grueling conditions and 14 feet waves. Looking for the white speck of the upturned boat was like looking for a fingernail in a shag carpet. Overnight temps dropped to 40 degrees, hypothermia became a major concern.  “All the processes in the body just slow down, so your mind starts to slow down and you cannot think,” Dr. Mark Rumbak says. “One of the main symptoms of hypothermia is the hallucinations, and you could become very aggressive. You could just start fighting and you could start beating somebody up, or just slipping off your clothes and just running away. You just become very confused and could do something that may, in fact, cause your death.”

When reporters found out that 2 NFL players were missing, it triggered a media frenzy. Nick’s mother was beside herself. She remembers thinking that if they don’t find them when its light, they’ll be in trouble.

On Monday morning, the weather finally broke and the Coast Guard intensified their search. After days of searching for over 2 days for more than 24,000 square miles of ocean, a lookout made a miraculous discovery at 11:46 a.m. “It turned out to be the white upside-down hull of the boat,” Capt. Close says. “Then they saw Nick sitting there with his life jacket.”

Theres’ only one person who knows what happened on that boat. The sole survivor, Nick Schuyler is here today, welcome Nick. Oprah says that it was a boys trip and at some point Nick became sea sick, so he had his ski jacket on.  Everyone else wore wind pants and wind jackets. Marquis had shorts on. They knew a storm was coming and they had talked about not going out so far. Still, Nick says they decided to go all the way out. It was one of Marquis’ favorite spots. Nick says he’s not an avid fisherman, but Marquis knew what he was doing. It was his last weekend before he left to Oakland for camp, and he wanted to make one last trip.

Around 4pm they realized that they needed to head back. When Marquis decided to turn the boat around they realized the anchor was stuck. Nick says the same thing happened the week before when he, Corey and Marquis were fishing in the same spot. They had to cut the line and leave the anchor behind.  This time, Nick says Marquis didn’t want to lose another anchor. They tried a couple different maneuvers and turned the boat around and pulled it from every which angle. The anchor’s rope was attached to the front of the boat. Will suggested untying the rope, reattaching it to the back and gunning the engine to move the anchor. “Our intention was, ‘Okay, if we gun the motor, we’re either going to rip this thing out or the line’s going to snap,’” Nick says. Oprah asks why they didn’t cut it like the previous week- they didn’t want to waste another $200. No one thought that it would flip the boat or that it was a dangerous move.

As Marquis gunned the engine, Nick says the boat began to flip. “Marquis was driving. Within maybe two seconds, it slowly flipped over to the left. The water was very cold, 64-degrees. They attempted to flip it back, there’s nothing to hold on to, there’s no leverage. Physics worked against them. They were in shock. The waves were already crashing in, they were tired and didn’t have life jackets on.

The tragedy made headlines around the world. With the lifejackets trapped underneath the boat, they were left stranded clinging to the boat. Oprah says that the book is one of the most harrowing stories of survival that she has ever read.

Nick says Marquis kept apologizing. ‘I’m so sorry you guys,’ Marquis said after about a half hour in the water. He must have said it ten times, he felt it was his fault because he was the captain. There’s these stories out there that Marquis was an inexperienced boater, which is absolutely not the truth. He knew what he was doing. He had been on the water a hundred times, a thousand times, and he was an experienced fisherman. Who would think that a 1” rope would flip this boat with 4 big guys on it? In the beginning they thought they’d get out of it. Oprah asks if they had been drinking. Cory didn’t drink, Marquis was leaving town so Nick had thought they’d have a whole lot of beer and that Cory would drive the boat back. But with the conditions, that was not the case- Nick had 2 beers over 4 or 5 hours. Everyone was coherent when this happened.

Will took charge and took off his clothes to swim under the boat. Marquis would give instructions and Will would go and look. He was able to swim underneath the boat several times and retrieved three life vests and a floating seat cushion. Nick says Will gave everyone a life jacket and strapped the seat cushion onto his own back. That’s quite a friend says Oprah. Absolutely says Nick.

As darkness fell, Nick says the men assumed their positions on and around the boat. They worked together through the night to help each other. Marquis was face-down, straddling a cooler on top of the exposed bow. Nick was next to Marquis, crouching with one foot on the hull of the boat and the other on the swim platform. At Nick’s feet, Will perched on the swim platform next to the engine. At Marquis’ feet, Corey held on to the boat, the only one submerged in water.

Oprah reads an extract from the book on page 49 stating that Marquis was insecure. As conditions deteriorated, the waves threw them from the boat over and over again. “We’d hear them approach and scream, ‘Hold on,’ trying to brace ourselves.” It was like trying to ride a bucking bronco. Marquis must have come off the boat 20 or 30 times. Nick probably came off 15, sometimes you’d be thrown off just as you were climbing back on. There was a grim determination and a lot of Oh my God’s. At first they were Oh my God I can’t believe this is happening, and then they were Oh my God this might be it.

By about 10pm that night they realized that it was deeply serious. Nick says Corey kept stating, ‘No way in hell I’m going out like this.’ Corey had a waterproof watch on with a light so they could keep track of time. Oprah says at some point Will brought up a bag of cellphones. Yes, says Nick, Will was able to find a ziplock bag with cell phones- without Will, Nick wouldn’t be here today. Nick was trying to make calls or texts to 911, and all it says was ‘Connecting, connecting, connecting,’. He was trying to conserve the battery but also hoped that they’d float closer to a cell phone tower.

Nick has written about his terrifying ordeal in the book Not Without Hope. After 9 hours in the sea, Marquis and Corey started to show signs of hypothermia, like aggression and disorientation. Oprah remembers that at 2.30am they noticed a change in Marquis. They’d been talking through the night, but then Marquis began to get very quiet. “So we’d be like: ‘Coop! Coop!’ And he wouldn’t answer at first. … Some time would pass, 10 seconds later… ‘Yeah, I’m all right.’ They didn’t think anything of it, they were frightened but were thinking that they’d be rescued. They knew that Marquis’ wife would call at midnight if they weren’t back.

Nick says they talked about their families and what they would change in their lives. Will had mentioned stuff about being closer to his brother, Blake. Marquis just talked about how much he loved his family and Delaney, his little girl. They all had a million thoughts going on that this could be it.

Marquis started to lose some motor functions, and he started to foam at the mouth. Nick says Marquis also began to hallucinate. He kept saying things like: ‘I need to get underneath the boat. I need to cut the rope. I need to get the anchor,’ Nick says. At that point, he knew, okay, we’re in deep trouble. That wasn’t Marquis. That’s not the kind of guy he is. The elements were definitely taking him in.

They were being pounded by the waves and taking in salt water. They show again the footage of the doctor saying that hypothermia may make you do things which will endanger your life. Nick says he did everything he could to keep Marquis from leaving the boat. He positioned himself up on the boat where he straddled the motor. He had pulled him up with the help of the other guys, and pretty much bear hugged him. Around 4 a.m. on Sunday, Nick was still holding onto Marquis. They had been in this position for roughly over an hour, and it was a fight to hold him down; he was trying to struggle to get away. They were all saying to him ‘Hold on. They’ll be here any minute. Relax, Coop. You’re good. We’ve got the anchor.’

Oprah asks Nick to talk about letting go of Marquis. Nick and Will had checked Marquis’ pulse a few times, and then Will said, ‘He’s not there.’ At that point, they tried to flip him over and give him CPR, which was virtually impossible with the waves. The hypothermia was setting in with Corey, who was becoming disorientated; aggressive and pulling on all of them. Nick said Corey was starting to fight as well, whichwas not Corey. “The hypothermia was definitely set in,” he says. “There was no way that I could hold onto Corey and Marquis at the same time.” Nick had to decide what to do. Nick says he faced an impossible decision. If he didn’t let Marquis’ body go, he couldn’t help Corey. If he held on, he could lose them both. ‘I just kept telling Coop, ‘Coop, I’m so sorry,’ he says. Will said that he had to let Marquis go, and Nick agreed. It was the worse thing. He let him go, and Marquis slowly sunk. He rolled off Nick’s right side and Nick watched him until he couldn’t see him anymore.

Oprah asks if there was a moment to grieve- no Corey was much more verbal and aggressive than Marquis had been. He was very aggressive, screaming. Saying some things that they had never heard Corey even joke about. Which, once again, was not Corey. He said things like I’m going to kill you, clarifies Oprah. He said things that were hard to take in, but it is hard to forget the last words says Nick. Oprah says that he was literally out of his mind. Yes, says Nick and he was literally using his legs to leapfrog off the boat. Nick was holding on with his right hand, and Corey was shooting, so he was literally ripping Nick’s arm trying to get away. He had jumped one time across the back of the motor, and he had sliced my hand, sliced my arm on the motor prop, Nick says. In that moment, Nick says he let go of Corey. Corey then jumped into the water. He was roughly 6, 8 feet off the boat and they couldn’t reach him at that point. Corey ripped off his life jacket and rolled his body forward in the water. He kind of did a swan dive and put his feet in the air and just kicked down. They didn’t see him after two seconds.

Nick was left with his best friend in the world. They’d been in the water for 15 hours. Will told Nick something he says he’ll never forget. “He said, ‘I don’t think I’m going to make it another night,’ Nick says he didn’t say anything at first then he said  ‘They’re going to find us today.’

Will began to display the same signs as the others; he wasn’t aggressive, he was helpless. Nick was fending for both of them at that point, they were operating on 20%. The waves continued to batter them, pulling them off the boat and into the cold, churning water. After a while, Will could no longer pull himself back on the boat. He didn’t have the strength. Nick was trying to pull up a 225-pound man with not a whole lot of leverage. Will went in the water one time, and his life jacket shot up. It kind of choked him. His first reaction was, ‘I’m going to take the jacket off.’ So he took the jacket off, and within a few seconds that thing was yards away. I thought about going to get the jacket, but then I’d have to leave Will, jacketless, alone.” Nick held him for some time with the waves banging banging, banging. He was on one side of the motor. Nick was on the other. They both kept going under, and Will was coughing. That happened probably five or six times. Then one time Nick was calling his name, and he was just not there.

Oprah asks if Will had drifted off. No, says Nick  Will was dead. Nick says he fought to hold onto his friend’s body. “I was beyond devastated. I tried to climb back up on the boat holding a literally lifeless body,” he says. “He just got away from me, and there wasn’t a whole lot that I could do.” Nick watched as his friend’s body slowly disappeared into the sea. He had to watch his best friend sit there floating in the water. Before he died. Nick said, ‘I love you, man’, and Will said the same.

Oprah reads some of Nicks thoughts from the book “I needed to live long enough to tell the story, even if I was found alive and died later. I felt useless and worthless. It seemed like every time I thought it couldn’t get worse, it got worse. I hoped I would be found, but I experienced what no person should have to experience. It was awful. Three are gone. Now it’s my turn. It’s just a matter of time. I didn’t have any choice but to go on.”

Being sick and the jacket probably saved his life, his mom gave him the jacket. He was alone from Sunday night. “I was very sad,” he says. “I kept thinking about the guys, of course, and my family.”  Oprah says did he ask his Aunt and God if they were up there to help him? Yes. Nick started to say his final prayers. “I kept picturing my family, my mother, particularly,” he says. “I just could not picture my mother attending my funeral. That’s by far the worst thing that any mother would have to go through.”

He never gave up hope, but to see three guys die in his arms, three athletes, and he already had been so sick before they started. Nick says he saw the Coast Guard’s boat approaching but thought it was a hallucination. He was hunched over, “I was like, ‘There’s no way,’” he says. “I kind of stood up for a second and I’m like, ‘Thank you, God.’ I took my jacket off, swung it around like a towel, and I just broke down.”

The lives of the men who died at sea will be remembered for much more than the accident which took their lives. Corey’s family are very proud of his achievements and say that he is deeply missed. His coach at the Detroit Lions says that his heart was bigger than everyone else’s. Marquis Cooper was his parents pride and his sisters biggest fan. His wife misses his smile and his gentle spirit and his daughter Delaney was the joy of his life.

Will Bleakley’s mom, Betty, says her son had a twinkle in his eye and made everything fun. She’s grateful she told Will she loved him the last time she talked to him.

Oprah asks what Nick told Will’s parents about the day he died. He was in the hospital the second day and he knew it was one of those things he had to do. “I wanted to emphasize how without Will, I would not be having this conversation with you right now. Will saved my life.”

Oprah says that there has been controversy over the book. Some of the family members involved believe Nick is profiting from their tragedy. Nick says that he has heard some things too and that unfortunately his relationships with some of the families aren’t where he would like them to be. But at the end of the day, “I’ve said since day one, the most important thing for me has been the Bleakleys, the Smiths, the Coopers and the three guys.”

A few months after the accident, Nick was approached and they said, ‘Here’s the deal: They’re gonna do a book, with or without you,’” he says. “I wanted to do it for the right reasons, for the three guys and their families.” Oprah asks about the money. He has set up a foundation and is giving to charities. Unfortunately he has not been able to speak with the families. The money has never been a thing. He didn’t want to talk about it at first because it was so fresh, a year ago but it feels like a month.

Corey’s family have said that Nick’s depiction of Corey’s last hours as aggressive was not the Corey that they knew. Nick repeatedly stated that it was not the Corey he knew. Corey was the big teddy bear that everyone loved.

Marquis’ wife Rebecca asked Oprah to read following statement: “The last morning I saw Marquis, I kissed him goodbye and told him I loved him, as I have for years. My family and I didn’t get the chance to bring him home, to lay him to rest. I’ve heard conflicting reports stemming from Mr. Schuyler of what happened on the day Marquis, Corey and Will died, but never once heard or been told of my husband’s last words, whether he spoke of Delaney and I. How is it that Mr. Schuyler has enough recollection and material to write a book, yet has never once sat down with our family to tell us how Marquis died?  Marquis was not an inexperienced boater or a careless friend. He was a husband worth fighting for in life, and in his absence still today.”

The hardest thing right now for Nick is this relationship. He has talked to Will’s parents and two of Corey’s sisters and that “More than anything in this world, I would love to tell her the story, and I’ve always wanted to tell her the story,” he says. “I’m willing to do whatever it takes.” The setting was never right to have the conversation, even though they were friendly after the accident. Oprah says this is a lesson everyone facing loss can learn from. “For everybody, there comes a moment when things need to be said and everybody always wants to know the answer to the question, ‘Why?’ … Particularly when somebody dies or there’s an awkward situation. You don’t know what to say, so you end up saying nothing. And then that nothing ends up creating really bad feelings because somebody should have said something, and nobody really knows what to say. Even if you can, just say, ‘I don’t know what to say.’”

Oprah asks if he misses them. Every day. He had only known Marquis for a little while, and Corey even shorter, but he was with Will 2 or 3 times a week. Oprah asks if he’s ok. His friends and family have been out of this world. “Without them, who knows?”

Nick says one of the reasons he wrote Not Without Hope was to help this happen to anyone else. Here’s what the Coast Guard says everyone should take away from his story:

  • Boaters should always leave a ‘Float Plan’ with someone ashore—including a description of the boat, names of the people onboard, where exactly they are going, and when they are expected back.
  • Boaters should always wear lifejackets.
  • Every boat should carry an Electronic Position Indicating Radiobeacon (EPIRB). An EPIRB is water-activated and will broadcast an exact position via satellite to rescue centers.
  • Visual distress signals such as flares, strobe lights and even flashlights can be critical in helping the Coast Guard find someone in need of assistance.

Oprah thanks Nick and wishes him well. His life is a testament to live more consciously, so please no more texting in the car. Thank you.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

One of the main symptoms of hypothermia is the hallucinations

Sufferers become very confused and could do something that may, in fact, cause their death.

Seasickness caused Nick Schuyler to put on his ski jacket, which probably saved his life.

Wear life jackets and tell people exactly where you are going when going out to sea.

Watching 3 of your friends die in your arms is incomprehensibly terrible.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

When something so awful has happened that you don’t know what to say, say something, even if you are saying that you don’t know what to say.

Date: February 24th, 2010
File Under: Betrayal, Celebrity, Family, Marriage, Public Service Announcement, Relationships

Episode 34: Sex, Lies and Scandal

People across the country have been talking for weeks about the guy who took the fall for former senator John Edwards. He lied and said he was the father of John’s love child. Oprah has seen him on 20/20 and on a bunch of other shows, but she still has questions for him. Just in case you have been living under a rock, here’s a quick recap of his story.

Andrew Young was the right-hand man for John Edwards for more than a decade. He was next to the rising star through good times and bad. When tabloid stories broke suggesting that Edwards had fathered a love child with his mistress Rielle Hunter, Young did what most can’t fathom- the married father of three took the bullet for his boss and said the baby was his. In his new book The Politician, Andrew details how he helped his former boss carry on a two-year affair behind his wife’s back, while she battled cancer. It didn’t take long for the story to unravel- the lies, the cover up, and rumors of a sex-tape destroyed the career of the presidential hopeful.

Oprah welcomes Andrew Young  to the studio. Oprah doesn’t normally watch other people’s TV shows, but she was watching the 20/20 piece and yelling at the TV. She thought that Bob Woodruff did a great job, but she wanted Andrew to answer more fully if looking back on this he sees that this was stupid. He says its stupid, immoral, ridiculous. Andrew says that he is scared to death of public speaking so perhaps his emotions didn’t come across. Cheri, his most wonderful wife, and he have lived with this for several years and she stayed with him through all this. Oprah says that is what we really don’t understand. Andrew says John Edwards was more than just his boss. He and his wife had worked with the Edwards’ and become close personal friends. He had volunteered for his Senate campaign in ‘97 and ‘98. And when he first met them, they were the most inspiring people to work for. He loved them. Andrew says he and John grew closer as their friendship evolved and John became like a big brother. They went to basketball games. Oprah says that in the book Andrew says Edwards was like a father to him, and Andrew clarifies that Edwards reminded him of his father.

Andrew’s wife Cheri,  is a pediatric nurse. He says that 10 days after the Iowa caucasus, they had 12 hours before the National Enquirer would release photographs. Oprah backs up a little and says that Andrew had known of, and helped to cover up, the affair since 2006. The National Enquirer was going to reveal the discovery. Edwards called them at Petsmart when they were buying a turtle aquarium. He threw in what you’d expect—he said that the presidency is at stake. He talked off good versus evil, but the closing thing he said was, “Andrew, Elizabeth is about to die.” … He made them all believe that Elizabeth was going to die within a matter of weeks, it was imminenet. What he said was it would be a short term thing so that his wife didn’t die in disgrace, it wasn’t about the presidency. Andrew and Cheri had only 12 hours to make a decision. They made the wrong decision on so many different levels, but they truly believed in John Edwards. Andrew loved him like a big brother and  loved Elizabeth like a big sister. He asks, does that make it right? Absolutely not.

Oprah asks what part of him could make it ok to tell that lie, that’s what she really can’t understand after reading the book and watching the interviews. She finds it to be bigger than taking the fall for John Edwards, it was about deceiving all of America that would vote for him. Oprah asks if a part of Andrew asked if he thought that this was the most crazy thing ever when he got the call. Andrew says he was sitting in a minivan outside of Petsmart looking at Edwards on the cover of Newsweek and it makes the argument about how he could win the presidency,- it was like a surreal bubble that came around him. He knows it doesn’t make sense. There was a part of him that was always on call when John needed help, if he was in hot water. He has records of all the phone calls, after the story was released, within 24-48 hours derogatory things were being said about Andrew by Edwards and the campaign.

When Elizabeth heard of the affair, Edwards said that he slept with Rielle one time, but that Andrew was having an affair. Andrew says that didn’t make any sense as Rielle was traveling with him all the time and he was at home with his family in North Carolina. Elizabeth then became angry with Andrew, as she thought  he was immoral. But, he says, it was more than that, whenever she was suspicious of anything, he had become the one that she had come to blame things on. He was worried- the Edward camp had fired a lot of people. Elizabeth insisted that John fire Andrew,  but John kept him because he was the fall guy. Andrew says that he should have noticed that he was being blamed whenever something was going on. Oprah asks if there were other women and he says there were things that he should have noticed. In the book, which he wrote when his father was dying, he writes no holds barred, warts and all. He speaks of all the ridiculously stupid things that he did to his family, to his wife. He tried to tell the truth about what modern presidential politics are like and how cutthroat it is.

According to Young, Edwards began his affair with Rielle Hunter in 2006, 10 months before he began his campaign. In May 2007, Hunter became pregnant while the campaign was in full swing. Edwards then hatched a plan that Young would claim to be the father. In December the press snapped a photo of a visibly pregnant Hunter and speculated that Edwards was the father. Young released a statement saying that he is the father at Edwards’ request, and he and his family and Rielle Hunter went into hiding at high end homes and hotels bankrolled by two of Edwards supporters.

Oprah says he talks of the comparison of love and devotion for his father and for Edwards, but she is wondering at what point do you feel that you are selling your soul? His Dad was a minister and got Andrew involved in politics- he had an affair of his own that destroyed his career. Obviously Andrew went through a lot with a therapist. Oprah thought that this would mean that he would do the opposite for Edwards. Andrew says it doesn’t make sense, it was as if he was trying to put Humpty Dumpty back on the wall to save his family from what they had gone through. There was a part of him that didn’t want this to happen to Edwards.

Oprah says take politics out of it; If Edwards was just his friend, and was doing something stupid, wouldn’t you just say stop that? Andrew says that most of your friends aren’t some of the most charismatic, powerful people in the world who intimidate you. Edwards was his friend, but also his boss. Oprah asks if they thought that they’d get away with it. Andrew says that they did get away with it that no one in the mainstream press… Oprah interrupts to say that no one in the public believed the story so they didn’t get away with it. The crowd applaud. Andrew asks to finish his sentence- from December to July when he was caught, Edwards led all the polls.  Oprah says that the baby was down the road  when Obama was meeting with Edwards about possibly being the vice president. She says that they all knew this- did they think they’d get away with it? Young says that in Washington, there’s a sense that once someone becomes president they can get away with anything with the billionaire lawyers. They didn’t think it was right but they were so far in. Oprah says it makes her so angry that they would all take the risk that Edwards could become Vice president or Attorney General, it’s not right. Andrew says that they were cut off from their families and were scared to death. Andew says that when he first met the Edwards’, their son had just died. All the things that Edwards wanted to do for poverty and healthcare- Andrew just loved him. He agrees that this means nothing if he lies about the baby and the relationship- what else could he deceive us on? Young says it gets worse- Edwards asked him to steal a diaper so he could prove it wasn’t his child with a DNA test. He kept out of that one. They were also asked to find a doctor who would fake the DNA result, and Edwards offered to sign an affidavit with the National Enquirer to say that he hadn’t done any of this. Oprah says she heard them say that the presidency was at stake, and this is why they did it- why would they want this lying deceiving person to be president when they have his mistress in their house? In December they did believe in him, despite those faults. Oprah apologises that she won’t let him answer the question, she’s just so frustrated. She says sometimes you make a decision, and you’re in the mess, and the mess just gets messier and messier. He says it’s like a rabbit hole- he worked 16 hours a day, 7 days a week for 8-9 years, so after this he was home with his kids and getting to put them to bed. Oprah says yes, but they were home with the mistress. They go to break.

They show the footage of John Edwards denying that Hunter’s baby is his in an interview on Nightline with Bob Woodruff. He denies that he knows who the baby is, and  says that he would gladly take a paternity test. Edwards says that he doesn’t know if Andrew Young is the father. Oprah shakes her head and says “oh, please”. That was Edwards lying, she says. Cheri, Andrew’s wife is now in the studio. Oprah asks what they thought when they first saw that tape. They watched it together and it sent shivers up their spines. Andrew says he couldn’t lie that good if Cheri caught him drinking a beer in the garage. Edwards makes you believe him even though its all lies. He is sorry for what they did but also sorry for people across the country who gave money they couldn’t afford to the campaign, slept in gyms, and volunteered. A woman in the audience says that she gave $500 to John Edwards and she’d like her money back. The crowd applaud. Oprah says on behalf of all wives, what spirit allowed Cheri to say yes Rielle could move in with them. Cheri says he told me, Edwards wants me to claim the baby.  She looked at him and simply said: “Why in the world would you even tell me about this? You say no. We have done enough.” She wants to let everyone know what they did for that family over the previous 8-9 years. They did everything, they both did. Cheri would cook breakfast. Whatever he wanted, whatever they needed. When they came back from D.C. and didn’t have a car, they used Cheri’s car. She was without a car. Or Andrew was without a car. It was extreme. They never, never said no. Andrew was so valuable to them.

Later that night, Andrew and Cheri had a long conversation and she still wasn’t on board. They had a call with John and Rielle, which Cheri just listened to. John said this was his chance. They’ve worked so hard, he was so close. Then he spoke of Elizabeth, that she was very ill. She was going to pass very soon. He could not, could not let her know this. They had two huge things in their lap- the presidency that he could win, and the family. Oprah interrupts to ask why they wanted him to be president when he was willing to carry on such a deception. Cheri says she didn’t think of that, only of her responsibility. Oprah says it’s every person who donated. Cheri says that the last two years have been hell, and they are paying for the consequences. Oprah asks if they wanted a role for themselves in DC if he became President, because that motivation she could at least understand.  Andrew says he wanted to take the kids and work in different consulates, experience different countries. Cheri says that by this point they had done so much, invested so much, and this was Andrew’s career. He believed in Edwards so much; “America was fooled. We were all fooled”.

Oprah says would they have come clean  if Edwards had said he would take care of them and set them up. Young says that they waited 2 years and that Edwards had promised that this would be a very short term thing. Within 2 weeks of Andrew’s book being published, after 2 years, Edwards announced that he’s the father, signed the custody papers  and goes to see Rielle and so all these things happen as the book comes out. Cheri says that living these lies has been horrific. She was criticized for being happy in an interview and she was just so relieved that the truth was out. The lies that Elizabeth has told about them, mostly Andrew… Oprah asks if they feel that they also betrayed Elizabeth. Cheri says yes, and she’s very sorry that Elizabeth has a terminal illness but the thing that she doesn’t understand as a nurse (Oprah wipes away Cheri’s tears) working with childrens and families with various terminal illnesses- she doesn’t understand Elizabeth because of how she’s treated them. She’s seen interesting things with how she’s treated others, but they’ve always been safe. She doesn’t understand the voicemails – why would Elizabeth, if she knew the truth, why would she target her? And if she thought that Andrew was the father, why did she target her? The voicemails were downright bizarre and threatening. She called and said take care of your concubine… Oprah says that they must understand why Elizabeth is so upset. Andrew tries to interrupt and Cheri stops him and says that he listens to her now, he agrees, the audience laugh. Cheri tried to protect Elizabeth- Oprah asks if she protected her by harboring the mistress of her husband. Cheri says that now they know that they were wrong, wrong, wrong in their decision.  Oprah says that in an interview with her, Elizabeth said that if the baby is or isn’t Johns, it has nothing to do with her, which Oprah thought was interesting. Any wife who has been lied to and deceived knows that- and she and Elizabeth talked about this off-camera- the feeling that everyone else knows but you. Andrew says that it has broken his heart that his best friend lied repeatedly and drove over him with a dump-truck- he can’t fathom what Elizabeth has gone through.They had to step up and take care of their own family. Oprah says she is surprised that Edwards didn’t take better care of them.After the baby was born he didn’t speak to them. They were in California away from their families and support structure.

For 8 months, they moved from house to house with Rielle. They show photos of Rielle very pregnant then with a newborn. Cheri admits that it looks like they were a happy family and they weren’t but they had to make do, for the children. Rielle stayed in one end of the house and they stayed at the other end. Oprah asks if they all got along. After a pause, Andrew chuckles and says no. Cheri says that they were polar opposites. Oprah asks what they were thinking? Andrew says that the baby was born in February and in March the Senator stopped speaking to him. The night the baby was born, Andrew called Edwards and told him to call. Edwards refused. A switch went off for Andrew, when he realised that not only was he disposable, everyone was disposable. On July 22nd,  Edwards called and said he’d been caught, which was eerily like what happened with his father years before. Edwards was crying and distraught, Andrew said Senator please, don’t make a comment until they know what they have. Edwards got caught in the lies and half truths he told Elizabeth. the only person the Woodruff story made sense to was Elizabeth. He told her that Rielle had made him come to the hotel room because Andrew hadn’t paid child support, and that she was going to blackmail him about their one night stand, unless he paid child support. And that is why Elizabeth said why don’t you take care of your concubine on the voicemail says Oprah. Cheri wants to go back to talking about when they were living in California, when they wanted to get out. They didn’t feel that they could, they were controlled by three attorneys and millionaires and billionaires. They lived in California, they were  building a house in North Carolina and didn’t know how the next month would pan out, how they’d pay for the house, where the kids would go to school. They had their health insurance paid for them…

Oprah asks if he was offered a lot of money for the alleged sex tape- Andrew says its not an alleged sex tape, it shows Edwards but not Rielle. They got alot of email offers but never took them up. Oprah asks what the tape shows, Andrew says no comment and Rielle says she’ll speak. Andrew says no and grabs her hand. Oprah says go ahead. Cheri says that Edwards is naked, performing sexual acts and the woman is holding the camera. Oprah thanks her for the information. Oprah asks if they ever thought of selling it- the mean thought may have crossed their minds but they never acted on it. They found it in July 08 and told him in August 08- Oprah says that she would be very nice to anyone with that tape. Andrew says that the Edwards’ had successfully got them kicked out the house they were renting- Oprah says that makes no sense- Cheri says the tape allowed them to get through the last two years of hell. Finally after being controlled by millionaires, Edwards got busted, they got dumped back in North Carolina and their house wasn’t done. This was the worst time for them but they’d found the tape in a bedroom that Rielle had stayed in. Oprah says that Edwards had to be out of his mind to be filmed naked when running for the presidency of the United States.  Andrew thought it was narcissism gone wild. On top of this it was 3 1/2 months before the election  and he was having sex with a visibly pregnant woman while his wife is dying of cancer. They left the tape in Andrew’s house that they were renting with realtors trooping in and out. Cheri says that the tape was her security after the millionaires and billionaires that had been controlling them. Was she going to do anything with it? No, but she had something to prove from what happened. Oprah asks what they learned from this, that there are huge life lessons to be learned from this. Rielle is suing them to return the photos and videos to her, and says that their statement that there is a visibly preganant woman on the video tape is false and her invasion of privacy has been horrifying. Oprah asks for their final thoughts- in the book Andrew speaks of his fathers betrayal and that he tried to make peace through the brother,  father, friend figure- John. His dad taught him that we can make a positive difference from our actions. Andrew was seduced by the politics, power and money when the job with this viable world leader dropped into his lap. The things that matter the most, Andrew says he already has the. The lesson is that most of us have what we want already, money doesn’t change that. It made their marriage stronger. Cheri says that they have always had  a strong love and trust for each other and with this they hit rock bottom and made it through. Now they are closer, the kids are great, she has her husband back and the kids have their daddy back and he listens to her. The book, The Politician, will have you screaming at the pages, according to Oprah. Both John and Elizabeth Edwards have released statements saying that the book contains false allegations and exaggerations. Edwards claims that Andrew Young is motivated by financial gains and media attention. Oprah appreciates that they allowed her to ask the questions that she still had, and hopefully the Young family can go home and don’t have to do another interview.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Oprah doesn’t normally watch other people’s TV shows.

Filming a naked sex tape while running for the US Presidency is stupid.

Having an affair while your wife publicly battles cancer and you run for President is not a good thing to do.

Even if your boss is like a father/ brother/ friend to you, claiming that his love child is your love child will not be easily understood by others.

Narcissism gone wild will always end in tears.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Sometimes you make a decision, and you’re in a mess, and the mess just gets messier and messier.

Date: February 23rd, 2010
File Under: Public Service Announcement, Tragedy
1 comment

Episode 33: Amanda Knox’s Family Speak Out

A pretty American college student studying abroad in Italy, an alleged sex game and a brutal murder, this story sparked a media frenzy. The Amanda Knox story, with all its shocking twists and turns, has left the public riddled with questions. Did she? Didn’t she? But whether you believe the American college student is innocent or guilty of the murder of which she’s been convicted, there is one thing everyone can agree on: Her story has become an international media sensation.While Amanda was studying abroad in Perugia, Italy, her roommate Meredith Kercher was found murdered. Today, Amanda is behind bars, sentenced to 26 years in an Italian prison for the crime, but her parents say the stories in the media couldn’t be further from the truth.

Amanda and her younger sister visited Perugia, Italy two years ago to find somewhere for Amada to live. They soon found a cottage. Amanda Knox moved to Perugia, Italy, to study abroad in 2007. She lived with three roommates—two Italians and one British exchange student, 21-year-old Meredith Kercher. She got on well with her roommates, she and Meredith both spoke English, the other two older roommates spoke Italian. On November 2, two months after Amanda moved in, Meredith’s nearly naked and bloodied body was discovered under a bedspread in her bedroom. She’d been beaten, raped and tortured. Her throat was slashed, causing her to choke on her own blood.

The Italian police say that as they began their investigation, they noticed Amanda was behaving bizarrely. She was hugging and kissing her boyfriend of two weeks, Raffaele Sollecito, outside the bedroom where Meredith’s dead body was found and reportedly performed cartwheels and splits at the police headquarters where her boyfriend was being questioned.  Over the course of the investigation, Amanda’s own recollection of the events on the night of Meredith’s murder changed. First, Amanda claimed she was at Raffaele’s house. Later, during an all-night interrogation with no attorney present, Amanda said she had a vision of being inside the house at the time of the murder. She even said she  may have heard Meredith scream. She identified the killer as Patrick Lumumba, her boss at a local bar.

A few hours later, Amanda retracted those statements, saying they had been coerced- she was hit in the back of the head by one of the police officers sho said she would make her remember. Amanda said she didn’t know what to think anymore, she was confused. The, police arrested Amanda, Raffaele and Patrick. Prosecutors claimed the murder was a result of a satanic, drug-fueled sex game turned violent and then  deadly. Their  theory made newspaper headlines around the world. Then a video of Amanda and her boyfriend buying underwear a day after the murder was released. Overnight, Amanda Knox, the sraight-A college student from Seattle became known as “the girl with the angel face and ice-cold eyes.”

The situaton got worse for Amanda when Amanda’s boss, Patrick, turned out to have an air-tight alibi. He was released from custody, and police set their sites instead on a drifter and alleged drug dealer, Rudy Guede. Forensic tests found his DNA inside Meredith’s body and in her bedroom. While the police had their three suspects in custody,  Guede was first  found guilty of murder and sentenced to 30 years in prison. Amanda’s trial lasted 15 months.  The prosecutor argued that a knife found in Raffaele’s apartment had Amanda’s DNA on the handle and Meredith’s DNA on the blade. He also said that Raffaele’s DNA was found on Meredith’s bra clasp, fueling the sex game theory. In the bathroom that Amanda and Meredith shared, police found a mix of Meredith’s blood with Amanda’s DNA.

Then it was the turn of the defense. Amanda’s attorney convinced the judge to throw out her initial statements. Amanda’s mother was called as a witness. A forensic expert for the defense team testified that the knife was too large and could not have made some of the wounds on Meredith’s neck. The defense also argued that the DNA levels on the knife were too low to be accurately measured and that the crime scene had been contaminated by careless police work. Then Amanda took the stand saying in Italian that she was afraid of having the mask of an assassin forced onto her skin

After deliberating for 11 hours, 2 judges and 6 jurors found Amanda and Raffaele guilty of murder, of sexual assault, of staging a break-in and carrying a knife. Raffaele was sentenced to 25 years and Amanda was sentenced to 26 years in prison. Rudy Guede appealed the decision against him  and a judge reduced his sentence to 16 years.Whether you believe Amanda is guilty or not is up to you,  Amanda’s parents, Edda Mellas and Curt Knox, say that Meredith’s death was a terrible tragedy, but their daughter’s story has yet to be told.

Oprah says that as parents no one wants to believe that their daughter is capable of such a thing- Oprah wants to know why she did such odd behaviour in the days after the crime, starting with Amanda’s supposed bizarre behavior in the days following Meredith’s murder. Her mother Edda says that if you know Amanda, she’s shocked. This is not a smiling girl; referring to video of Amanda hugging her boyfriend outside the house where Meredith was murdered. They’re not making out. He’s rubbing her back and comforting her. She was just shocked. She was devastated, she had been devastated for a large amount of time.

Edda says Amanda’s behavior at police headquarters,  turning cartwheels and doing splits, was another misrepresentation. She says that Amanda had been  there for 54 hours over a 91 hour period, and while doing homework, she got up to stretch. She was getting cramped, and the officers came in—they were being really friendly—and they said, Oh, you seem pretty flexible, and she said ‘Yes , I was a gymnast. They asked her if she could still do any gymnastics, and Amanda said yes and went into a split. Edda says, that was it. It was lost in translation. Amanda said that there was absolutely no cartwheels ever. Curt says that the media blows things out of proportion and especially over there. In the US we are used to having two sides to every story, over there, pretty much anyone can make up anything and they’ll print it. Edda says that much has been lost in translation, including possibly the notion of cartwheels.

Oprah asks why Amanda changed her testimony, which is never a good thing. Edda said she watched an Oprah show where a man talked about changing his testimony- he confessed to killing  a whole family or something he didn’t really do. Edda says that Amanda always, in all of her statements, maintained the bottom line was that she didn’t know what was true anymore, but she did  know that she did not have anything to do with the murder of her friend. Oprah asks about the vision that Amanda supposedly had- Edda says that the police fed her prompts, that she was encouraged to keep talking.

Edda also says that interestingly the Italian police recorded all other conversations and phone calls before and after the interrogation, but they did not tape the overnight 14 hour interrogation itself. Oprah asks who they think killed Meredith- Curt says that the evidence sure points to Rudy Guede. His DNA is all over and on Meredith  and all over the murder scene. Amanda has no fingerprints, no blood, no sweat, no hair, nothing in the room. Raffaele has nothing there other than the bra clasp, and a speck of DNA. The bra clasp was photographed on November 2nd and it was picked up 47 days later after the crime scene had been released. There had been people going back and forward so there was an extreme possibility of contamination.

Today Curt says visiting Amanda in prison is almost unbearable. Some days visits are nice and others are extremely tough. You just do the best you can. He once held Amanda for 45 minutes while she cried in his arms. Curt and Edda divorced when Amanda was only three years old but they have joined forces to help get Amanda back. Oprah can’t imagine how it must feel to visit your child in a foreign prison where she will be for 26 years. Curt says that the time she cried for 45 minutes was the worst. Oprah asks what a good day is like- she comes out bubbly, it’s different over there you get to hold her and hug her. Curt asks her what she is up to and how her schooling is going. She is still attending the University of Washington thanks to some generous professors. She is doing German and Italian studies, and she completes the assignments and Curt or Edda get them back to Washington to be graded, she is treated like any other child. Its an independent study program which gives her a light at the end of the tunnel. Then Amanda will not feel that her time there has been wasted, so she will have something when she gets out.

Oprah asks if they really believe that Amanda will get out, and if so how? Curt says she is absolutely innocent. She went through a trial by media. Inside the courtroom there is no evidence to convict her. In Italy jurors are not sequestered and the media did a character assasination in the first year and all the jurors had been exposed to that. Oprah confirms that the jurors are not questioned in any way, it’s a very different situation. Oprah says if you want to be tried, get tried in the USA. Edda says that we make mistakes too, and that their have been Oprah episodes about that. At least to begin with it’s fair, says Oprah.

Amanda’s attorney, Theodore Simon, is in the audience and says there’s no question that Amanda’s was a wrongful conviction. We are not  immune to misplaced justice and wrongful convictions in the US, no one has a monopoly on justice. This is a prime example. He says that the audience just heard Curt speak about the lack of evidence in the case which is both profound and compelling, You’ve already portrayed how horrific this murder scene was and it was very tragic and terrible. But there was no hair, no fiber, no footprint, no shoe print, no hand print, no palm print, no fingerprint, no saliva, no sweat, no cells, no blood, no DNA of Amanda Knox in the room where Kercher was found or on her body. That’s virtually impossible to have occurred in this type of case. Oprah asks if Amanda’s initial accusation of an innocent man shows a lack of integrity. The lawyer says that we have to understand the circumstances here- she had been spoken to for many hours over a long period of time without a lawyer or interpreter. Her statements were thrown out by the Supreme Court of Italy finding that her rights had been violated. This was critical, her statements were not confessions.The prosecutor in this case labored under an indictment for abuse of office during the entire pendency of Amanda’s case and was ultimately convicted.

Her boss called her to say that she didn’t need to go into to work that night and she texted thanks, see you later.  In the U.S., that means, ‘See you tomorrow, next week, whenever.’ They took that to mean, again, lost in translation, literally you’re meeting up with him later today in a few hours to commit this horrible crime,” Edda says. So they kept holding that message up in front of her face and yelling at her and saying: ‘We know you were meeting with him. We know he was involved.’ It was the police that prompted all of that. Oprah asks if Amanda says that she was coerced under pressure- Edda says that she was hit, called a liar, told her that she’d never see her family again. They said just give us possibilities. Edda agrees that it was a trial by media and that things were printed that were not true about the case or Amanda herself. After the arrest, a  media fire erupted- Amanda was a sex crazed party girl who did drugs and murder. Edda says that Amanda admitted that she and Raffaele had smoked pot that night after watching a movie. She stayed at his house overnight.

20/20 co-anchor Elizabeth Vargas  covered the case from the very beginning, She joins Oprah from the ABC studio in NY. She says that she has never worked on a story that caused such outrage. The outrage was international; the victim was British, it happened in Italy and here in the US thousands of American families send their children overseas as exchange students. This has been a nightmarish ordeal for the Knox family, regardless of what you believe about Amanda’s guilt. There was an enormous amount of early publicity early in this case which later turned out to be untrue. For example she was in this sexy underwear store buying lingerie- Vargas was in that store, it was a Target essentially and Amanda couldn’t get home to get any of her clothes, so that makes sense. That story was sold along with the idea that she and Raffaele were planning a night of hot sex. Those kinds of stories gave a negative opinion of Amanda which never changed throughout the trial. In London the tabloids at least said Amanda Knox is guilty, but of what? Oprah says that the decision was unanimous. Elizabeth says that some jurors expressed sympathy for Amanda, for some reason, many Italians believe that she did something wrong, but they don’t know what- the fact that she said something in the interrogation then retracted it struck them as untrue. Elizabeth was struck by the early judgements on Amanda’s character that were not changed desppite a rigorous defence. During the prosecution it was like one side was saying the sky is blue while the other said that the sky is green, that’s how opposing the arguments were. An impartial expert was requested to reconcile the differences,and that request was denied. Italy gets jumpy when questions about sequestering, or the prosecutor etc arise. There was much resistance into looking at what might not have been a fair process.

Amanda has three younger sisters, Deanna, Ashley and Delaney. Deanna (21), the second-oldest, says her life has been put on hold since Amanda’s arrest. She wants Amanda back to be the older sister, she wants to be the best but Amanda is the best at being the older sister. Delaney (11) wants everything to have not happened, they won’t be a family until Amanda comes home. Ashley (15) cries because Amanda is not there, she stays strong for Amanda because she knows that she has to. She says its even harder on other people like her Dad and Edda and Amanda, she doesn’t want to say to her mom or dad that she’s sad because it makes them sad and then they worry about her and not Amanda which is who they should be worrying about. Oprah says that this says to all of us that a tragedy in the family focuses on one person but everyone is equally impacted.  Deanna says that her life is on hold, on pause. They’re all just in a waiting period, waiting for Amanda to come home. Deanna stopped going to college, she works full-time. She visits Ashley and Delaney and takes care of her parents as much as possible. She has to go on- the worst thing is when Amanda cries that her whole family’s eyes fill with tears, she doesn’t want them to cry for her. Deanna says she has be strong and keep her feelings inside for the sake of her family. Curt says that because he spends so much time in Italy, he isn’t always aware of what the other girls are going through. He knows Deanna has done a fantastic job keeping them up, and hopefully this will all be done soon and Amanda’ll get to come home and they’ll get to carry on with their lives. As the mom, Edda says that you want to take care of them, but they all worry about us. They’re all putting on brave faces for each other.

Every Friday night, Amandas friends sleep over at her house so they are all together for the Saturday morning call. Her family and friends gather at Edda’s house to be there for the call. The ten minutes goes by really quick. Deanna sleeps in Amanda’s bed every night after the call.The phone rings and the cameras are turned off.  Edda says Amanda sounded okay, she was upbeat. They go around the table and speak, it’s great to hear her voice. Saying goodbye is really hard, you want to talk forever. They asked to turn off the cameras because the footage would result in their calls being taken away from them. It is bittersweet to hear her, Amanda said tell Oprah hi, I love her. Edda’s eyes fill with tears, Oprah holds her hand. Amanda said  ’See if you can thank all the people that have written me or donated money to the defense fund or whatever,’ because she can’t. She doesn’t have enough time to write everybody back and she’s getting hundreds of letters from people, and she wanted to find a way to thank them. Oprah asks if Amanda is putting on a good face for them- Curt says yes, its nice to hear her voice. She’d always ask how they were doing , even when she was in the courtroom.  Curt’s eyes well up. Oprah asks about the 45 minutes when Amanda cried in Curts arms, Curt takes a few breaths and says trying to explain to your daughter why she is a position when she’s completely innocent… Edda says that you have to try to explain that Amanda is in the middle of this massive mistake that has to be fixed. They both say their hardest moments are trying to explain to Amanda why she is in this position.

Oprah wants to talk about MySpace pages- foxy knoxy was a name given to Amanda as a soccer-playing 8 year old – she put it up there for a joke, no one in her adult life called her that. The media took elements of her MySpacee page out of context to make her into someone that she was not. Oprah asks if they ever had a shadow of a doubt that Amanda could be guilty? Never. Did they ask her point blank? Edda says that she was the first to see Amanda after the arrest and she was confused. Once Amanda told her what had hapened, it was clarified- it was a mistake that had to be cleared up. Amanda has always maintained point blank that she had nothing to do with this, that Meredith was her friend, they were great friends.

Oprah asks if they have spoken  to the family of Meredith Kercher. Curt says that during interviews, they’ve tried to express their condolences and the sorrow for the loss of their daughter. The Kercher’s have experienced the worst phone call a parent could ever have. They still have a chance with Amanda. The Kercher’s don’t with their daughter, and until they know that Amanda had nothing to do with it, Curt doesn’t know how he would feel as a parent receiving that type of call. Edda says that lawyers say that now is not the time.

Amanda’s parents are now looking to the future and trying to plan how they will free their daughter. They are hoping that a document from the jury on why they found her guilty will help their cause. Curt says ”We’re waiting for this motivation document, from there, that will allow us to draft the appeal and approach how we’re going to go about it.” The lawyer says that this case makes no legal or common sense. He likes to believe that it shouldn’t matter where the prosecution takes place, there is simply insufficient evidence.  If you believe the theory that in 3 weeks Amanda went to Italy and turned into satanic ritualistic murderer, if you can get past that you’ll realise there is no forensic evidence that Amanda had anything to do with the murder. This has been a horrible experience for the family.

On the day that Amanda Knox was sentenced, Meredith Kercher’s brother, Lyle, made this statement: “Ultimately, we are pleased with the decision, pleased that we’ve got a decision, but it’s not a time for celebration. At the end of the day,its not a moment of triumph, at the end of the day we’re all gathered here because our sister was brutally murdered and taken away from us.”

Oprah says thank you all for being here.We’re all mindful that at the heart of the story is the tragic and senseless death of Meredith Kercher; we’d also like to wish her family much  peace. Another reason to stop talking in your hands free cell phone  in your car- 600,000 traffic accidents happen a year as a result of talking on the phone according to a Harvard study. Go online and take the no phone zone pledge. Bye everybody and thanks to Delaney and Ashley for taking part in the show.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

In Italy jurors are not sequestered

Oprah says if you want to be tried, get tried in the USA.

The prosecutor in this case labored under an indictment for abuse of office during the entire pendency of Amanda’s case and was ultimately convicted.

There was no hair, no fiber, no footprint, no shoe print, no hand print, no palm print, no fingerprint, no saliva, no sweat, no cells, no blood, no DNA of Amanda Knox in the room where Meredith Kercher was found or on her body.

A tragedy in the family focuses on one person but everyone is equally impacted.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

In the US we are used to having two sides to every story, over there, pretty much anyone can make up anything and they’ll print it in the papers.

Date: February 17th, 2010
File Under: Family, Public Service Announcement, Tragedy

Episode 29: Serial Killer John Wayne Gacy’s Sister & Mass Murderer Jim Jones’ Son Speak Out

We’ve all heard the expression don’t drink the Kool-Aid which means don’t follow the crowd, think for yourself. Do you know where the expression comes from? It comes from the  1978 Jonestown Massacre where more than 900 people drank a Kool-Aid-like beverage laced with cyanide. 900 people, that’s the audience members multiplied by three. 900 people. It was the biggest mass murder suicide in modern history, and it was masterminded by Jim Jones, the leader of the People’s Temple. In 1956 Jones was a young and dynamic preacher with a radical voice for the times; he preached total equality. He created his own church in Indiana and called it the People’s Temple. He stood for divine principles: Total equality. A society where people own all things in common, where there is no rich or poor, where there are no races.He and his wife  had what they called a Rainbow Family with their kids-  2 kids from South Korea, an African American kid,  and one homegrown kid. in 1965, Jones moved his family and the People’s Temple to progressive California. It was the 60’s, and the People’s Temple had what many were seeking, they spoke of what people had in their hearts- the government was not taking care of people, there were too many poor people and poor children. When Garrett Lambrev  joined the People’s Temple in 1965, there were 81 members, five years later there were 1000’s of members. As the movement grew, so did Jones’ demands. Followers signed over their paychecks, their life saving and even their homes. In the 70’s, Jones claimed he could miraculously heal the sick. A darker side of Jones was emerging, and rumors of physical and sexual abuse began to spread. Laura Johnston Kohl says that people were spanked, slapped and beaten in meetings. Jones sent an advanced team to the jungles of Guyana, South America, to build their utopia, Jonestown, far away from media and government scrutiny.

In 1977, with Jonestown almost complete, Jones ordered his followers to Guyana, and nearly 1000 people dropped everything and moved with him to where they believe heaven on earth awaited them. The followers thought it loooked like freedom. The community was well planned with a school, clinic and communal  kitchen. But as Jonestown flourished, their leader grew increasingly bizarre. There was a speaker system that only Jones spoke on. He would tape himself and play it over and over, 24 hours a day. In the summer of 1978, it was noticed that Jones was getting sicker. It was widely rumored that he was abusing drugs.  His tirades were getting more and more frantic and he seemed to be getting more insane. Back in the States, former church members began complaining that Jones was keeping their loved ones against their will. Californian congressman, Leo Ryan flew to Jonestown with a handful of reporters. The People’s Temple welcomed them to the party. But later that evening a Jonestown resident passed a note to a reporter saying that he was being held against his will. The next morning, more and more defectors came forward. Though Jones appeared calm in front of the cameras, behind the scenes he had ordered his avenging angels, as he called them, to take action. They ambushed the Congressman and his crew at the airstrip. Congressman Ryan and four others were killed in a shootout. Back at Jonestown, Jones called an emergency meeting where he announced that the Congressman was dead. He stated that as they wouldn’t live in peace, they should die in peace. Jones presented to his followers a large metal vat filled with a cyanide-laced beverage. First mothers were ordered to give it to their children and then drink it themselves.  ”Die with respect, Die with a degree of dignity” Jones urged them. “Mother please, put down your life with your child”. Tim Carter is one of only 7 who survived the mass suicide. He looked to his right and saw his wife with their son in her arms and poison being injected into his mouth, and his son was dead, and he was frothing at the mouth. His wife died in his arms, and their son was in her arms. All Tim could say was I love you, over and over. Jim Jones Jr lost his wife, his unborn child and his mother and father.

Oprah says it still seems unbelievable that 909 people including nearly 300 children died that day, and a further 5 at the airstrip. Jim Jones Jr was not there that day, he is here in the studio today. Jones preached to his followers about dying a peaceful and dignified death. This is what a death by Potassium Cyanide does to the body. The deadly poison attacks the nervous system, starving the body of oxygen. Unable to breathe, victims die of suffocation, eventually their organs shutdown. Eye-witnesses at Jonestown reported seeing the poisoned people going into violent convulsions, their faces twisted and foam coming out of their mouths. It took about 5 minutes to die their agonizing deaths.

They came to take newborn babies out of their mother’s arms. Jones said “Bring the vat, the vat, the vat, lay it here so that the adults may begin”. They were slaughtered says Tim. There was nothing dignified, it was senseless waste and death. Rev Jim Jones, his wife, 2 of their children and 5 of their grandchildren died that day. 3 of their sons were spared. Jim Jones Jr and his two brothers were in Georgetown, 150 miles away with the basketball team when he got his father’s call. His father spoke of visiting Ms Frazier, which was code for suicide. Jim couldn’t believe what Jones planed to do, he asked if there was another way. His father told them to find knives or piano wire or whatever they could to commit suicide. When Jim received those instructions he didn’t kill himself, he didn’t believe and couldnt understand what was happening. He didn’t know if his family would drink the Kool-Aid. At the time he was 18. They went to the US embassy to find what was going on, they hoped they could stop it. In Jonestown prior to this, the community had practiced drills of suicide- which were tests of loyalty where people would pledge their allegiance to the cause. The cause was the non-isms; non-racism, non-sexism, non ageism. The class system coming out of the 70’s of haves and have nots was opposite to the utopian society of the Pople’s Temple. People believed that they would create a whole new world. They had the whole gamut of intelligence, and 70% African Americans. Jim was adopted by Jones when he was 10 weeks old. The story goes that he was the first African American kid to be adopted by a caucasian family. Jones was his father, and Jim loved him. He took pride in his father. Oprah asks was it difficult being the first black kid in a white family? He says no, he didn’t know. There were Koreans in the family and Jim Jr just thought that he had a better tan. He had two Korean siblings,  and Homemade the blond blue eyed natural son. There was no race at the church, they were a rainbow family.

Even Jones’ voice was becoming slurred towards the end. During the last year he was becoming detached and crazy. Jim Jr was probably the last to see it- he didnt want to see it. Jones had multiple affairs and mistresses which happened for years prior to Jonestown. As a child they’d go on holiday for a week with their father and a mistress, and then their mother would join them for the second week. His mother was aware. Jim Jr was told that the women needed his father. He was resentful, but felt that he had to do it for the people to build the new world. He says that he drank the Kool-Aid before; he was indoctrinated into believing, that was his bubble. Oprah asks why would 900 people agree to do that? Jim Jr cant answer but he can try and explain the mindset. The 900 people were told that the Congressman had been shot. They were told that their community would be invaded and their  children would be taken away. Jones’ words were that they needed to lay down their lives in protest. He had the children ingest the cyanide first, very manipulatively. Jim Jr says he has 3 boys and if he watched them die, why would he want to live? Jones created that vacuum. When you see the syringes and needles, he doesn’t think everyone lined up willingly. Oprah clarifies that people were made to do it against their will, and that guards were there to shoot people if they didn’t comply. Jim Jr’s brother, sister, mother , father, wife and unborn child all died. For Jim Jr there was no reason to live. He came back to the States and went by James Jones for many years. 15 years later  he worked his way up to be the Director of a Cardio Pulmonary Department in a hospital. Because of the acronyms behind his name, they shortened his name to Jim. As he walked up to his great new job he was faced with the name Jim Jones and he realised that Jim Jones Jr is who he is. He faced up to the fact that he was part of a community trying to build  a brave new world. They tried and failed, but he can’t hide from who he is. He doesn’t hate his father, he has forgiven him. Was Jones mentally ill or on drugs? Oprah asks. The mental illness was exacerbated by the drug abuse and his power which was never challenged. Jones spiraled out of control, self destructed and took 900 people with him.

In 1998, Jim Jr went back to Jonestown and took his sons with him, he wanted to give them the foundation of what kind of world they were trying to create. When he got to Jonestown, looking for answers to his questions the only thing he could find was the tin vat that the KoolAid was stored in. The grass had grown over it. At that point he realised that he couldn’t have answers but he had to figure out how to get on with his life from that point. Oprah asks if he would have drunk the Kool-Aid that day, he can’t say he wouldn’t have if his wife and family had all taken it. The 900 people had already been brainwashed, practicing suicide raids, they were  already indoctrinated. To kill the children first was a strategy. Oprah says again, it is incomprehensible that any mother would feed their child cyanide.

Jim Jr says that basketball saved his life twice. 15-18 years after Jonestown he hit rock bottom and found solace in alcohol and drugs. He became emotionally unavailable to his wife and children to the stage where his wife was willing to leave him and take the kids. To save his family he got clean and found something that his son gave him as a gift that they could connect upon, basketball. He’d denied himself basketball because of guilt, and that saved him. When people says sports save their life, Jim Jr says it saved his life twice. Jim’s oldest son Rob is making a name for himself on the basketball court. For years Jim Jr was defined as the son of Jim Jones. Now he’s known as the father of his son Rob, with great pride and honor. Oprah says that’s really great.

Jim Jr shared many stories with his kids about their grandfather;  trips they went on, playing ball. Some of his sons friends came up to Rob and said they just learned about his grandfather in history class. And Rob said, yeah, that was my Grandfather. To Rob it’s just stories. Oprah says she finds it hard to believe that there is no guilt, shame and resentent connected to… that it would be easy to dismiss the first 17 years of his life, banish it and move on. Jim Jr says he wanted to embrace it for both himself and his children. Oprah asks why. He embraces it because then he doesn’t have to  hide from it. Oprah says that is so good and that we can learn alot from him. He says that there is no stigma for his children. Oprah says that everyone has something in their past that they are embarrassed by, or ashamed of, something that a family member has done. Jim Jr is proof that you don’t have to let the past be a burden. He says it is by the Grace of God and a great wife. Oprah says listen to your wife, Jim Jr laughs. Thank you Jim and to CBS for some of the footage they used to tell this story.

John Wayne Gacy’s sister is not recognised by her background- she had to bury that part of her life. She likes to talk about the brother that she knew, who was kind and loving and a great loving uncle to her children who they dearly loved and dearly remember. Karen’s brother was one of the most horrific serial killers of all time. Anyone under 35 may not remember the grizzly story before his arrest in 1978. He was one of the carziest and scariest human beings because he functioned in society. At 25 years old, John Wayne Gacy was a family man with a wife and 2 children. He ran a successful business and was well respected. One afternoon he invited a 15 year old boy to his home and molested him. In 1968 he was arrested and convicted of sodomy. He received 10 years, the maximum sentence, at the State Penitentiary. His wife divorced him and took the children who he never saw again. While in prison, he was a model prisoner, he was the head cook and sang in the choir. After 18 months he was released on good behaviour. Returning to his home town of Chicago, determined to rebuild his life, he started a contracting business. He remarried and volunteered at charitable events as Pogo the Clown. His family believed that when his second marriage failed, something in him snapped. He began to abduct young men and boys, raping and murdering them. Police never suspected anything until 1978 when he was reported as the last person seen with a young boy. Investigators were shocked when he admitted to throwing five bodies in the river and he drew a map showing where more than 2 dozen bodies were buried in a crawl space beneath his home and garage. He was found guilty of murdering 33 young men and boys, he received the death penalty and died by lethal injection in 1994.

Gacy’s sister Karen shows her favorite photo of them together as children with their older sister Joanne. John and her were best friends and did everything together. He liked gardening, baking and cooking, not stereotypical male activities of the time. It bothered their father who would bring it up when he drank. Her father would call John a  sissy, and he was a mean drunk. John felt that he never lived up to his father’s expectations which went all the way up until he married and had a son and daughter. He was arrested about 18 months later and was accused of sodomy with a minor- he always insisted that he was innocent and he was framed. Karen believed him and says that she has often wondered if they hadn’t believed him so easily that his life may have turned out differently.

In 1978 the remains of at least 27 bodies were found under Gacy’s house. Karen says that there was always a musty smell at the house, When he was arrested, she couldn’t believe that he was capable of killing all the people. An attorney called to tell her, she spoke to John and he admitted that he did it. Neither she nor her husband could believe it. He wasn’t the person that they knew, who was good and kind and loving. Gacy recanted his confession and maintained that he was innocent until his execution, but he did tell Karen initially that he did it. In jail she asked him how he didn’t know that the bodies were under their mothers house. He said he didn’t kill all of them but maybe one or two. She told him that if he killed one, he killed them all;  you can’t kill one and not be guilty. She was so angry at what he had done to their family and children. She could have socked him because she didn’t know that about him.

Oprah asks if he killed things as a boy, like animals, or other traits of serial killers? Karen says no, nothing like that, he was good to their dogs, there were no signs of anything. Oprah asks if he was trying to hide his homosexuality or bisexuality? In Iowa, Karen and her husband and their oldest daughter visited him and they went to a function together. Gacy said don’t be upset if they don’t go home with each other. Gacy went home with the wife of a couple who was with them, and the husband went home with them. Karen never set foot in their house again. She said what in the world is going on, and he said it was nothing. She’d never heard anything about him with another man. Oprah asks what the family thought when he was jailed for sodomy of a 15 year old boy? He said it was consensual. Her mom told her later that as a child he was molested, and she is not trying to use that as a justification for what he did. Oprah says that if everyone who was molested ended up killing people and putting them in a crawlspace, we wouldn’t have a world. Karen agrees.

Karen was with John the hours before his execution. The chief prosecutor felt he got an easier death than he deserved. Leaving the prison and knowing she’d never see him again was really hard. It was a nightmare. You could hear the people chanting. No one ever called her to say Im sorry for your loss after he was executed.  Oprah asks what it was like to spend the day before the execution with her brother. He was at peace with it, he said he’d rather be dead than live in prison for the rest of his life. They show a photo of them hugging, taken hours before he was transferred for execution. Karen sees that people may find it hard to believe that she would hug him, but she says that he was her brother. She never knew the evil part of him. She hates that part of him and she told her family that if any appeal ever worked, she’d see to it that he’d never walk the face of the earth again. She never spoke to the victims families, she was not allowed to by attorneys because it was tantamount to admitting that he was guilty. She feels remorse about that. She only told her boss last week who her brother was. The name Gacy has disappeared, she never uses her maiden name. After 31 years of hiding her past, never mentioning that she has a brother, living in a closet, to allow her children and grandchildren a  normal life, she is ready  to reveal herself to her neighbors on Oprah. The last thing that she said to her brother was that she loved him and forgave him for the the stuff that he… not the crime, she could never forgive that, but for what they were put through.

Oprah thanks her and says it is interesting to hear from people who have to carry on their lives when they are related to some of the most infamous and reviled people in history. Remember to make your car a no-phone zone; no one else needs to die because people are stupidly texting. Thank you.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:
909 people died in Jonestown including almost 300 children in the biggest mass murder suicide in modern history, masterminded by Jim Jones.

Jim Jones Jr, the son of Jim Jones has forgiven his dad because they were trying to create a utopian ideal.

Jim Jones Jr has embraced his father’s legacy so that to his children, this particular history is just stories.

John Wayne Gacy, a seemingly functional member of society abducted, raped and murdered 33 yound men and boys.

Karen, sister of Gacy saw no warning signs in her brother, and has forgiven him, but not his crime.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Even the most reviled, infamous people in history can find  forgiveness from their family.

Date: February 15th, 2010
File Under: Betrayal, Family, Public Service Announcement, Relationships, Tragedy

Episode 27: Raped By His Mother- A Victim Comes Forward

Last Monday Oprah talked to 4 child molesters, who revealed in chilling detail how they lured children into their sick world. What they did was evil, but what they said can help your children. Today we turn your view of child molestation upside down when we look at what happens when the molesters are women, even mothers. This is Gregg Milligan’s graphic recount of what he went through every single day as a boy. This was his childhood home where he and his oldest brother and younger sister lived with their mother. He didn’t know his father, his mother was his whole world. The physical abuse started long before the sexual abuse. When he was 8 years old he was fondled and touched by his mother, and he was made to touch her. When perhaps she thought she could take it further, she did, she’d make him have sex with her, moving his body agains hers. If he didn’t respond physically he would be beaten and choked and  thrown from the bedroom. He had to help her reach orgasm – until that happened he was her prisoner in her bed and she’d make an awful screaching sound when she reached orgasm, then she’d hit him and push him. When he went to bed at night he couldn’t get the smell of her of his hands. By the time he was 9 or 10 it felt consensual, he wanted to die, to be rid of this ugly feeling of being his mother’s lover.

Back in the studio Oprah says we are talking here about a ten year old boy. Gregg’s mother died nearly 14 years ago but he recently came out the shadows to tell his story. We don’t hear about mother-son abuse much, but it does happen. She asks Gregg about the sense that the abuse felt consensual- was that because it was pleasurable? He says it was never pleasurable, it was always awful, but his body started to respond to the stimulus. As he grew older and his body matured, he responded physically with an erection. He couldn’t differentiate between the biological and the mental response. Oprah asks if he thought it was normal? He says yes. Oprah qualifies that you don’t have a language for it as an abused child. Later as an adult you can articulate it, but as a child he thought all boys had this relationship with their mothers. Oprah asks if there was any seduction? He says the beatings were consistent, and the sexual abuse started the same way but when the sexual abuse started he would be told mother needs you, rather than shouted at to stand still. It was manipulative and gentle. The beatings were worse if she didn’t reach orgasm- he tried hard to help her orgasm quickly so he could go back to his room. Oprah says part of the shame of abuse is because there is some pleasure; being touched is supposed to feel good and that’s why we are all doing it. As a child, the newly aroused feelings are confusing. Greg says if his mother had been gentle and kind and sweet he is sure it would have been diffeerent. But because of the brutality of the physical abuse it was very different. Her anger if she didnt reach orgasm, and the dismissiveness with which she told him to get out if she did reach orgasm was always there. After she’d reached orgasm, she’d say that he did it to her, that he seduced her and that this was his doing. He believed that and was completely confused. He thought that this was love at first. Oprah asks for a picture of him to be shown on screen at age 8 or 10. She asks that everyone who feels responsible for their abuse to look at a picture of themself at the age it happened and ask what a child of that age could have done to stop the abuse. Gregg sees a young boy who was given no choice but to allow this to happen in his photo. He couldn’t have stopped it and wouldn’t have stopped it- his mother was the center of his universe and he loved her. Oprah reiterates her stance that  molesters in the bushes do exist but mainly it is friends and relatives who are the abusers.

Gregg says as a child he was physically tortured and violently raped by his mother. 35 years later he is still tortured by his past. He is working on it, but at age 46 he is still trapped inside his childhood house. What was taken from Gregg and any abused child will be gone forever. Part of him was taken and died- the innocence that every child deserves was taken. Before age 11 there was no one that he could have told. There were teachers but he was desperately afraid of his mother. She was his only parent, she was feared by her kids and in the neighborhood. It wasn’t just the fear of his mother, it was the absolute shame that this was taking place. Even today Oprah asks which is easier to say, that he was abused or that he had sex with his mother? He says abused. It is easier to admit to physical abuse rather than sexual abuse. Oprah says that  in all these years, Gregg is the first person she has spoken to who was forced to have had actual physical intercourse with his mother at such a young age, and that is interesting for her to talk about what that experience does to you as a person. The experience itself was that his mother had control of his body- they were both small people, close to emaciated, and she would control his physical body to pleasure her. It was worse than the physical abuse- it forced him to shut off what was happening. He had to pretend that it wasn’t his mother doing this because she was the only person that he had in this world. He needed his mom. Oprah says the stories behind the smiles are never revealed in childhood photos. Gregg wanted them to think he was normal, he craved normalcy and acceptance to be like the other children.

After a year of being raped by his mother, the abuse took a turn for the worse. His mother frequently prostituted herself at local pubs, soliciting men in the neighborhood. The men soon followed for Gregg- his mother would justify prostituting him out by saying if he didn’t they’d go hungry, lose the house and be out on the street. She said that if he didn’t comply the men would come back and cut off his genitals, and Gregg believed her. Oprah says his mother sounds like a monster. He recalls his mother prostituting herself when he was seven. Oprah wants Gregg’s information to help viewers. Kids don’t have the words- so asking them if they have been molested is unhelpful as they dont understand the concept. Greg was 8-9 the first time; a man came over, money changed hands and his mother left. The man undressed him and performed fellatio, He struggled desperately to not let his body respond to the stimulus. It worked that time and the man, frustrated, left. It became worse when he got older and couldn’t always control the biological response to the stimulus. That was the worst when he got an erection, then it felt like it was his fault, that he wanted it. Oprah says she so understands that. Oprah asks if he understands that the little boy in the photo could not possibly be responsible. He understands now, but it took years. Oprah says that the abusers use your biological response to justify their behavior, to say that you liked it. His mother would convince him that it wouldn’t have happened had he not responded sexually, with her or the other men. Oprah says that this is horrific and that his mother was obviously a damaged person with a lot of  pain in her life and no ability to love her children. But  in all cases, the sexual act itself is minor compared to the emotional and spiritual damage done. Gregg agrees wholeheartedly. The shame is crushing and is what destroys you. The shame changes what you are as a human being. It caused Gregg to act and react differently. He withheld emotionally and academically. He was afraid to play with other young boys- his mother would say he was immoral, homosexual and perverted. He believed that it was not normal behaviour  to find affection or friendship. Oprah asks if he finds it is a marvel that he is alive and and sane and able to marry and have a life beyond this? Greg say that there is definitely something bigger and better than all of this out there.

In the photo album of his childhood, Gregg and his siblings have forced smiles- if you look closely you’ll see bruises, scars, greasy hair, unkempt clothes and fear. Fear is exactly what the abusers want you to feel. No one in the neighborhood ever stepped in to help. Neighbors saw what their mother did to the kids, and they’d tell their own kids to stay away  from the family, further ostracizing them from the rest of the neighborhood. Due to her advanced alcoholism, she could no no longer control  her bowels, so she would walk up and down the street urinating and defecating while screaming obscenities. Kids would ask if his mother was the whore, the crazy woman? There were obvious signs that he was abused- he was emaciated, his clothing smelled awful. His nicknames were stinky, smelly, brains- because he couldnt read write or tell the time. If you really want to hurt someone, make a joke that a boy is having sex with his mother. It was meant in jest, no one could fathom that it would be true, but it was.  Oprah asks what he would do when that joke was made? Gregg would laugh along to appear as normal as possible. Oprah says every child wants to fit in and be normal. Greg just wanted to fit in and be normal, even though he couldn’t tell the time at age 10.

Gregg’s sister April is here, she was also sexually abused by their mother. She is two years younger than Gregg. April knew something was going on with Gregg, but she was instructed to stay in her room at all times. Her mom would come and grab her hand and take her to her bedroom. To April it was spending time with mom. Her mom would make April fondle her mother’s vagina, and she would do the same to April. This went on for a couple of years until Gregg stepped in, thank god. Her saviour saved her life. He said no more, you’re not going to abuse my sister so he took the abuse. A man came to the house when he was about 9 and april was 7. Money changed hands and Gregg assumed the man was there for him or his mother. But his mother called April out the room  which had never happened. She then instructed Gregg to follow her to her room. Gregg grabbed april, his mother grabbed him and slammed him against the wall. Gregg told April to hide, and he went to the living room and he had to be abused by the man instead, while his mother went to her room. He says it was the best decision that he ever made. She never tried to prostitute April again. He was beaten after the man left yet Gregg said he would never let it happen again. He would always insert himself into the situation so that April never had to do this. April knew he was protecting her, she knew as a child that something was not right- with regards to touching and private areas. She knew with her mother that the sexual abuse was wrong, she was afraid of her, she would try and hide. She knew when a man arrived that it was not a good feeling.

Gregg says the house always smelled of sex and alcohol. He had to get all three of the kids out because one day he wouldn’t be there and April would be raped and it would be his fault. When Gregg was 11, they were removed from the home and the abuse stopped. The shame went on for years after. Greg spent two weeks stealing money from his mother’s purse to run down to the corner store and use the payphone to call and say you have to help us, you have to get us out of here to an older sister. After two weeks, a sister did come and physically remove them from the house. Their mother died in 1996. Oprah asks how their relationship was. Gregg worried about her, he loved her very much but avoided her because he was afraid of her. Preparing for this show, he saw a photo of his mom at his college graduation,standing next to him.  He didn’t remember her being there , he cut her from his life entirely, didn’t communicate with her. He was still afraid of her as an adult. Oprah says that when you’ve been abused by someone you love and trust, it is very confusing as children love even the abuser. It is hard to understand but it is confusing and shameful for the abused.

Every nightmare starts the same, Gregg feels his mother forcing him to have sex with him, he sees her face, he can smell her breath of wine and whisky. He wakes up clawing at the bed; screaming, weeping, shouting out.  The dreams are vivid and real and they are every night. Gregg’s wife Sarah is in the studio. She says Gregg will cry out and struggle in his sleep, he makes choked out, fearful cries. She sometimes wakes him up or she’ll hold him. Oprah asks how you begin to put a life back together with the shame and the guilt. Oprah says she’s speaking in broad generalities, and she knows that, but many people cannot have  intimate communication and for others it goes the opposite way. Oprah became a promiscuous teenager, looking for love in all the wrong places. For Gregg, as a teenager and into his 20’s he became very promiscuous with multiple relationships and short relationships. Sarah and Gregg met at work and she heard about all this maybe a year or so into the relationship. Oprah says this is enough to make you pack your bags and run, and Sarah says no, never. Gregg was very quiet at first, he was fearful of the shame of telling, afraid to tell her. He was scared that she would judge him or find him perverted. The trust and love he had for his abuser, an unhealthy love, had to become a safe healthy trust and love for someone else. Oprah says the ramifications of being abused by someone as close to you as your mother means that you simply don’t know how to love. You don’t trust anyone.

Despite everything that happened to Gregg before his 12th birthday, he went on to graduate high school, college and got his master’s degree. The crowd applaud. Education saved him by allowing him to be more independent and functional, a contributing member of society and people started to pay attention to  him when he spoke,especially when he asked for help. He has a 23 year old son who is in the audience, Gregg the second. Oprah asks how it feels to hear this- it makes him, sad, he loves his dad and he’s a great father who is easy to talk to. Oprah asks Gregg if fatherhood helped him heal- absolutely, one of his greatest fears was turning out like his parents. To be able to raise his son with love and no violence, it affirmed to Gregg that it might be ok, that it can be done. Oprah says that it is a choice; every abused child does not have to choose to become an abuser. Gregg says we need more people to make that choice. Oprah thanks everyone for being here. Gregg is the spokesperson for RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. If anybody who has heard this story today wants to talk about what has happened in their life or what is happening in someone’s life, the number is on the screen. There is a reason why the last 4 digits spell Hope. 1-800-656-HOPE. Before they go, photographs of 12 year old Joe from Spring Lake Michigan are shown onscreen. A driver on a cellphone ran a red light and killed this little boy. Joe is not here to speak for himself so Oprah asks us all to take the pledge and please do not use phones in the car.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

The stories behind the smiles are never revealed from childhood photos.

The innocence that every child deserves is taken by sexual abuse.

Kids don’t have the right words- so asking them if they have been molested is unhelpful as they don’t understand the concept.

Every child wants to fit in and be normal.

It is a choice, every abused child does not choose to become an abuser

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

The shame of sexual abuse is crushing and is what destroys you. The shame changes what you are as a human being.

Date: February 9th, 2010
File Under: Public Service Announcement, Transformation

Episode 23: Lisa Ling Goes Inside the Secret World of a Modern Geisha and a Real-Life Nunnery

This is something that Oprah has never done; today we’re going to meet a real-life geisha. You probably think of the book, Memoirs of a Geisha- of a secret society of Asian women in white make up fulfilling mens fantasies. That book was fiction, this story is real. Fiona Graham was born in Australia, she has a PhD from Oxford and insists on being called by her geisha name, Sayuki. She’s the only white woman to become a full-fledged geisha in Japan.

They sent Lisa Ling, who will go anywhere, to Tokyo, to get the story. Sayuki tells Lisa all about her life as a gesiha. There used to be 42 districts, now there are 6. Her journey began when filming a documentary about geisha’s; the only way to capture the true essense of a geisha was to become one. She has a PhD in anthropology from Oxford and doesn’t feel that she has wasted her education by becoming a geisha.

For centuries geishas were highly paid companions to elite wealthy men. They had years of intense training, some starting in childhood. They perform elaborate duties with graceful precision; playing music, dancing, serving tea and charming conversation. Sayuki has never been asked to do anything she doesnt want to do as a geisha, she says that the idea that geisha’s are prostitutes for the right price is ridiculous. Today geishas still perform, mostly for businessmen and tourists. The rigorous training has been likened to becoming a doctor; Sayuki says that a geisha is an artist. Everyone knows to become a ballet dancer takes years of intense training, and becoming a geisha is the same. No other white woman has ever been a geisha, so Fiona trained for an intense year. In the beginning,  you do everything that your geisha-mother tells you as you have no judgement. She thinks it takes years to get good judgement. They go to the Geisha District Office, and on the board are  the names of the Geishas and the tea houses to show who is going where tonight. It is determined by the tea house owners, the customers or now the modern Geisha can be contacted through their website. The charge is around $350 for a minimum engagement. Much of Sayuki’s income is spent on expensive handwoven kimonos. $13,500 was the price on one of the kimonos that they look at.

Back in the studio, Lisa Ling joins Oprah. Sayuki is on the phone from her home in Tokyo. Oprah asks her how she was accepted as the first white woman. Sayuki grew up in Japan, she attended high school and university in Japan, and she worked there for a japanese company. She needed that background to get in. Oprah says she is among one of the ignorant people in the world that thought that there could be arrangement, if the price is right, that sex could be an option. Sayuki says that the Geisha is like a Hollywood actress, Geisha are women like any other, they fall in love and maybe have affairs, but it is never part of the job. No one accuses acttresses of being prostitutes just because they sometimes have affairs every now and again. Oprah says the role is to entertain and delight men. Sayuki says it means artist, and it is a private entertainment, much like Mozart would be called to entertain nobility. They perform to customers, not just men. Oprah asks why they are so alluring to the Japanese and the world. Sayuki says it’s the Japanese ideal of the perfect woman. The make up and kimono have been perfected over 400 years. It is breathtakingly beautiful to see a geisha in her full regalia for the first time. Oprah says so you dance and pour tea, is that it? Sayuki says there is also alcohol, not just tea. Some geisha would be upset if it was just tea.

Geisha means a person of the arts. For nearly 400 years it ws a highly coveted life for Japanese women They entertained the richest and most powerful men in Japan, some were even paid to meet a mans sexual desires. Elaborate hairstyles, exquisit kimonos and white make up with red lips; they were the embodiment of the perfect Japanese woman. They were renowned for their grace, intelligence, musical ability and beautiful dancing. They adhered to a strict code- no marriage, no eating in public and no revealing of your true age. 100 years ago there were 80,000 Geisha in Japan, today about 2000 remain.

It took Sayuki 3 years of strict training to master the Japanese artform. Oprah asks if it is painful to kneel- Sayuki says in the beginning it was hard. Oprah asks if there a way to pour tea that you learn? Is there a way to do it so a man wants you? The crowd laughs. Sayuki says it is an art. She demonstrates bowing, she does it whenever she meets her older sisters. Lisa Ling says it is incredible that Sayuki exists as if  in 17th century Japan in modern Tokyo. Sayuki practices her instrument before the performance. A kimono expert of 50 years dresses her. There are 4 layers. She wears black contact lenses. She does get nervous, it’s like going on stage. Sayuki and 5 others were hired to perform at a banquet. Events like this give her the exposure she wants to become one of the top geishas. A performance like this is like stepping back in time. She usually travels by rickshaw around the geisha district. Sayuki wants to stress that sex is never, and has never been, part of the geisha tradition. She says that prostitution was banned in 1957 in Japan, and that geisha’s have never been part of it. Oprah says it is an exquistive culture.

Oprah first read Sayuki’s story in Marie Claire, their new issue is on the stands now, thank Marie-Claire.

As Oprah said earlier, Lisa Ling will go almost anywhere. Most convents did not want cameras in, when asked, so  thank the lord for the Dominican Sisters of Mary outside Detroit. They opened their doors for Lisa and invited her to spend the night. They have a TV but it is only a luxury. The average age of the nuns is 26, the youngest is 18. Sister Mary Judith was told by God, she felt it in her heart. At 7pm, the bell signals the call to nightly prayer, the first 15 minutes are silent. Then prayers are chanted followed by  a choreographed procession of youngest to oldest to the altar. For silence, the sisters go and study, or do duties.  At 10pm they have profound silence which means no talking and everyone in their cell. The 100 cells (bedrooms) are cloistered which means no one from the outside world is allowed behind the door. We are the first. Their vow of poverty means no mirrors, they wear the habit all the time except for in bed. They say its very versatile. They say it is like a wedding ring, it means someone loves me, someone has claimed me, and that person is Christ. They dont need much.

The life of a nun means no children, sex, make-up, jewellry, possessions. Oprah asks, do think you could do that? Lisa got a great night sleep there and the sisters were some of the kindest people that she had met. Sister Mary Judith has been there for 5 years since she was 21. Sister Frances Mary got the calling at 22, 4 years ago. Oprah believes everyone has a calling in their life. Sister Frances Mary says she was dating a wonderful young man whose sister was a nun in her community. She felt a stirring. Sister Mary Judith was at a crisis point after 3 years in college. She grew up on a reservation in Saskatchewan. She encountered alot of drugs and wanted to save those who were drowning but wanted to also save herself. Oprah says lots of people have a crisis but don’t become nuns. For her, Sister Mary Judith felt God was calling in her emptiness. And she felt that she had to give all of herself to god. She didn’t ask alot of questions or visit before she entered. On her first day she thought what did I do? But she decided to get on with it. Oprah asks if there is a turn-back period? The first 7 years before you take your final vow you can question your decision. The first year you are a postulant, which means questioning. Many parents are upset when their girls become nuns.

There are more than 60,000 catholic nuns in the US, and 750,000 in the world.  Chastity, poverty, and obedience to God and church are the strict vows taken. The nuns believe they are married to Christ, some even wear wedding rings. They wear a habit which they consider to be their wedding dress. Clositered nuns rarely leave the confines and pray up to 12 hours a day. Many nuns devote their lives to helping the poorest people, some choose an independent path, live alone go to college and even have careers. This week Lisa Ling went behind the walls of a thriving convent in Michigan. Oprah says our culture places such a value on things, and possessions and sex appeal; did they turn those messages off in their head? Sister Frances Mary says that the bombardment of imagery undermines the human dignity. She had to weed it out slowly.  She grew up in a normal environment, without even God. Her boyfriend was shocked at first but very supportive. God takes care of everything and her former boyfriend is going to be ordained as a priest the same year that she makes her final vows. They wanted to get married, it was a struggle, they both cried, it was hard, they were in love. Oprah asks if she misses the affection of a man. She says she is still human, right, there is such a community and bonds of love between sisters, Jesus Christ is her spouse and God is Love (John 3:16). Love incarnate is her spouse. The habit represents the wedding gown, and that you’re married to christ, Oprah didn’t know that. Sister Mary Judith says that Christ is a really difficult person to be married to because if something goes wrong she knows its her fault. Everyone laughs, Oprah claps. Sister Mary Judith never thought she’d ever be this happy. Sister Frances Mary says they give their sexuality to Jesus which is beautiful gift, they don’t just give it to a thing or idea. Sister Mary Judith feels she has reclaimed her sexuality from an oversaturated sexualised world and she doesn’t want to be an object. Her sexuality is precious. Oprah interrupts to ask if they have any sexual urgings or feelings. Sister Mary Judith says it is a part of who they are, but not all they are. It’s like every craving we have that we don’t indulge all the time, like eating chocolate. Not eating chocolate all the time is not going to make her into a crazy person who is repressed. They use their desires for a greater calling or cause.

Lisa got up at 5am with the nuns, Sister Joseph Andrew, one of the founders is her tour guide. All meals are eaten in silence. Everyone has a job after beakfast. Sister Joseph Andrew uses her Balckbeerry to communciate by email with new recruits. The sisters play field hockey or soccer or basketball after lunch. They pull up their habits a little and wear sneakers. They are competitive. It can take up to 9 years to become a nun. Lisa sits down with the postulants who have been there for 5 months and haven’t yet earned the veil. Lisa aks how hard it was- it was hard to leave family, but a relief to leave behind Facebook and cellphones. The novices are the next level of nun. One speaks of the constant noise which gnaws at the human soul. Taking a religious life and vow of poverty gives her the silence she needs. The beautiful part of chastity means that you love more not less. Once sisters have taken their final vows they wear a black veil. Mother Assumpta, one of the founders, has been in the convent since she was 17. She hasn’t missed having children, God called her to this to be a spiritual mother.

Previously some of the nuns had other lives, one was a pharmacist, one was working in a fast food restaurant, one was engaged, but she had a longing in her heart. One was living the dream. Oprah also thought you had to have been a virgin to be a nun. Sister Maria says that it is possible to enter the convent by proving they have been living a chaste life and commit to living a chaste life in the future. She had a good life, which she enjoyed but it was superficial and empty, she was in the car business in New York. She says God is so good. Sister Maria Catherine joined at 27, she’d suspected she had a religious vocation for 5 years, but she was terrified. She ran out of all the reasons not to commit, she had to go and try it. Oprah says the best thing about being a nun is sensible shoes.

Oprah asks what happens if you break a vow, like if you go to Target and buy something. Sister Mary Judith says its an integrative away of life and even in married life women have the same vows of chastity, poverty and obedience. They can’t go where they want to go and they have to be spendthrift to support their families. Religious life is meant to mirror a human life of integration with the other. To break a vow means you’re not being true to yourself so you inflict your own punishment on yourself. Like if you know you are cheating on your husband, you inflict damage on yourself and others.

Sister Mary Samuel says that our culture is very challenging with its materialistic, secular nature. Its difficult for families and kids in schools. All our lives are a journey before God, and a religious life is a more intimate journey before God. They are freed from material things through the vows. Lisa Ling says she was surprised by the difference between the perception of nuns leading strict lives and the nuns that she met. Their lives are liberating now because they are not worried about being skinny enough when previously they always wanted more out of life. Oprah thanks the Dominican Sisters of Mary.

Oprah wants to make a difference in the number of lives lost by texting and talking on cell phones while we drive. Yesterday in a producers meeting, Oprah heard that Lisa drives with her knees and texts while she drives. Lisa admits it, she says she can’t lie in front of the sisters. She has done it, not alot, but she has. Oprah thanks her for being honest, but says she is stunned. Lisa is willing to say she’ll not text, but she’ll use a bluetooth which is legal in CA. Oprah says that’s not enough, she wants Lisa to go all the way infront of the sisters. She will not text and will encourage others to do the same. She will take half the pledge. People at home please take the whole pledge and at least give up texting. Goodbye everybody., thanks Lisa

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Paid sex is never, and has never been, part of the geisha tradition.

God takes care of everything.

The beautiful part of chastity means that you love more not less.

The habit represents the wedding gown, and that you’re married to Christ.

Nuns and geishas are just like us: they use email too.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Oprah says the best thing about being a nun is wearing sensible shoes.

Date: February 8th, 2010
File Under: Public Service Announcement

Episode 22: Oprah & A No Holds Barred Conversation With Child Molesters

If you can suspend your judgement and repulsion for an hour, we have an opportunity to learn from Oprah’s one hour converstaion with child molesters.

  • 90% of Child molesters are people that you know- family friends, uncles, brothers, fathers, neighbors
  • Child molesters seek out and sediuce vulnerable needy kids and gain their trust- trust is integral to the abuse
  • Child molesters are so conniving and manipulative that the molestation feels good, which confuses the child

What should you be looking for? This is a group session with 4 Child Molesters, their group therapist and Oprah. She says she comes attempting not to judge, so that their words will not be in vain.

Lee molested 3 kids when he was age 10-12, when he was 14 he raped his girlfriend who was also 14, when he was 65 he molested a 5 year old who called him grandpa. He was like a grandpa to the kid, he fondled her, touched her vagina and buttocks, orally raped  her and had her touch his penis. The mother walked in and discovered the kid pulling up her sweatpants- the child denied everything until the next day.

Darren began fantasising about orally copulating his 12 year old daughter, which grew into an obsession. He raped 14 year olds when he was in his 20’s which he was never charged for. When his daughter was 12 he was divorced and had custody of his daughter, he touched her when she was sleeping, it was impulsive, she was laying in an arousing position and he didn’t think she’d notice. The first time it woke her and she told her mom, Darren told the mom that the daughter was lying to get to back home to mom. He wasn’t worried about calling his daughter a liar, he wanted to protect himself. They shared a room, not the same bed. She wasn’t always asleep, he was molesting her- he’d feel between her legs before work to get a quick fix and head on his way. Both were clothed, he’d masturbate later, he’d use images of orally copulating her. He did that over her clothes on 3 occasions. It was an adrenaline turn on for him, it was something real fast without her knowing. Except that she did know. He asked her if he could orally copulating her, she said no. She did ask him to stop at other times, and he said ok but he continued.

Many people know Oprah was raped at nine and molested from 9-14 and because of that she wanted to sit down with child molesters to find out the why and how of their methodically carried out crimes. David had a family member 3 years younger than him growing up and he molested her from age 8 (she was 5) up to age 20. He got the idea one morning after she’d stayed the night and she didnt have underwear on. He wanted to see her vagina, she idolised him and would do anything he asked. He was manipulating that from he start. It progressed to him touching her on her vagina and chest and orally copulating her one time. He got her to orally copulate him at around age 12. One of his friends gave him a condom for a joke when he was 14, and she was 11;  he used it to rape her. She never consented to any of this, she went along with it to get his attention. She was as neglected as he was at home and he exploited that; he’d withold his attention to molest her. Sometimes she’d seek out the abuse to simply get attention. This went on till she was 17 and she got a boyfriend and told him. When he was about 14, he was molesting her in her bed when her mother walked in- he said he was giving her a goodnight snuggie. He mostly denied what had happened, he told himself that she wanted it  and that it was a  relationship and that her parents had forced her to admit to it and she didn’t want bad things to happen to him. While he was in trouble, he was witholding his attention from her  so she was even more primed for the molestation when it re-started which is how he came to rape her the first time. Oprah asks if they see adifference between molestation and rape. They say no, the methodology has the same emotional damage. Oprah says as a child you have no name for it so there is little difference between a hand, object, or penis. David saw rape as the last bastion of their relationship.

Robert was 18 and she was 12, he was walking home with friends, they started messing around kissing, then got her to take of her clothes and raped her. The therapist interjects to say that 90% of abusers know their victims. Oprah asks why they agreed to the interview- Lee says to tell parents what to look out for- if an adult spends more time with kids at a party than with the adults, then that is a red flag. Lee took advantage of the trust of a 5 year old. He thought she liked it but found out later that it hurt her. Oprah says as someone who’s been abused, that if an abuser is doing a job well, it will feel good. Lee needed the attention himself. Darren wants to prevent another father from molesting his daughter If he can save one child, he would say to that father harboring fantasies; if you are having fantasies, go get help, it doesn’t go away. Deep seated issues need to be treated as they won’t go away by themselves. David wants to impress that people be better parents- his victim was neglected, children are always looking for love. Oprah says she looked up to her uncle and cousin and family friend and was manipulated but didnt know and blamed herself. David can see the effects he’s had on his victim’s life. Oprah stresses that it’s about grooming and seducing your target, the targets are chosen, they are often needy and neglected. No one is choosing a child with confidence and self esteem, one whom they perceive will tell. David saw anger and retaliation against her parents in his victim, and he had trust from her parents. He couldn’t victimize without trust. The therapist thinks it is because of the trust that the victims don’t tell or scream. Oprah says if they are good, its not pain they are causing, they are trying to give their victims pleasure.

Child molesters charm their victims into trusting them, and many of them do not believe that they are doing harm, because they are not causing pain. Their goal is to give sexual pleasure to a child so that pleasure is reciprocated. Oprah was 42 before she realised that she’d been groomed. Darren talks of backrubs and foot rubs to prepare the child for the touch so that he could touch chest or genitals. David agrees, he would listen to her, then have his hand on her shoulder, then cuddle on the couch. Its like a couple on a first date. Darren knew it was wrong but justified it as a special thing between them. They all basically believed that they were bringing the child physical pleasure. Oprah asks Lee if he thought at the time that he was a disgusting old man, yes but it was too late to stop. He thought she enjoyed it so he’d fondle her to make her happy. None of them thought that they were causing harm at the time.

Oprah says that if you have been abused and are holding on to the feeling that its your fault because it felt ok, then that is exactly what they want you to think, so that you won’t tell; it is not your fault. Oprah says that sexual abuse changes who you are. David says it happened 2-3 times a week. The first time he gave her an orgasm by orally coupluating her he thought he was the king of the world. He had fantasies that they could run away together and live as a married couple. He has spent alot of time thinking of the consequences of his actions- he killed what she could have been, he murdered a person. Just because she’s alive and getting her life back doesn’t change what he did. A few years ago she contacted him through her therapist and said she forgave him. David has a real problem with that as he finds what he did unforgivable. Oprah says that him saying he killed who his victim could have been is one of the most powerful things that she’s ever heard anyone say; it is the absolute truth. When a child is abused, it changes who they are, it kills their spirit.

Oprah asks what they said to keep their victims quiet? Lee says that the 5 year old loved him and knew he’d get in trouble- he once told her that if her daddy found out he’d beat him up and she wouldn’t be able to see him again. That was a big thing, that was enough. Darren said he’d be taken away- if his victim told, she’d never see him again. Robert told his victims that he loved them.

Oprah asks what they most want parents to know. Lee says be on the alert , dont mistrust everybody but at least open your eyes and look around at what is happening. He feels that an alert person would have seen the signs with him- the cuddles, lap-sitting the attention. But he’d have lied about it if asked and would say he just loves children. Darren says  pay attention to kids cues and listen to your kids. If they say that someone touches them, listen, they dont make this up. They agree that the victim could potentially stop them by saying no. Robert says he may have been stopped by his victim saying no, in some not all of his crimes, David may have stopped if she’d said no and reported him. Lee feels he would have stopped if the 5 year old had said no grandpa. He loved her so much he would have stopped. Darren’s daughter turned him in, and he’s very proud of her for that, she has every right to protect herself and he is glad she exercised that right.

Oprah says listen to your child’s cues and if you think something is going on and something seems weird, then it probably is. That is instinct, trust it. If you are a child, tell someone, and if they don’t believe you tell someone else and keep telling people until someone believes you. Child molesters do not want you to tell. Oprah asks the therapist if Child molestation is misunderstood, as it is portrayed in the press as torture an pain. The therapist agrees; the unspoken shame is that for millions at the time it was not a horrific, horrible experience,- you would tell if it caused you great pain.

Lee feels he is being cured, he’s not there yet. He doesn’t trust himself around children. Darren says it is abit like being an alcoholic, but he can’t say he wont do it again. He may yet go back to the dark place. Robert  says he will not offend again, he has tools to help him with his triggers and problems, he’s happy. Oprah asks if he would be a danger to a group of gorgeous 14 year old girls; he says no. David says he probably wont offend again, therapy has helped him see he will always be damaged but he can work on it and be a better person.

Oprah thanks them for being so candid and open, and thanks to their therapist for her support, The whole 2 hour interview will be up on Oprah.com. A week today we are talking to mothers and babysitters who molest. Thank you for watching and remember to make your car a no phone zone.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY

90% of Child Molesters are people that you know- family friends, uncles, brothers, fathers, neighbors.

Child Molesters seek out and seduce vulnerable needy kids and gain their trust.

Trust is integral to the abuse.

Child molestation is about grooming and seducing a target. The targets are chosen, they are often needy and neglected.

Listen to your child’s cues and if you think something is going on and something seems weird, then it probably is.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Trust your instincts. When a child is abused, it changes who they are, it kills their spirit.

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