Every time a new episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show airs in 2010, we will blog along with it. If you have plenty of time, read the long version. If you are pressed for time, read the “What we learned today” summary. If you are really, really pressed for time, read the Twitter-sized summary.

Archive for category Relationships

Date: February 2nd, 2010
File Under: Family, Relationships, Tragedy

Episode 18: The Children of Elizabeth Smart’s Kidnapper Speak Out

This family portrait of 1981 shows a family of six, with the mother a homemaker and organist in the church. Two decades later, she was part of one of  the most infamous kidnappings of our time, the abduction of Elizabeth Smart. It was almost 8 years ago, 2002, when 14 year old Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped by knifepoint in her bedroom. Her sister Mary Catherine, age 9, witnessed the abduction but pretended to sleep. 4 months later, Mary Catherine had a memory from that night, and the name Emmanuel came into her head. The family recalled they had hired a man named Emmanuel to do work around their house. They worked witha  sketch artist to create an image and a woman came forward identifying the man as Brian David Mitchell, a self-proclaimed profit. The tipster said he would likely be with his wife f 17 years, Wanda Barzee. She was right- a month later, Brian and Wanda were spotted wandering the streets of Salt Lake City with Elizabeth.

Elizabeth’s ordeal was finally over. She is now 22 years old and a few months ago she testified that Mitchell chained her to a tree and raped her repeatedly for the duration of her captivity. He pled not guilty and a judge is deliberating whether he is competent to stand trial. Last year, Wanda Barzee pled guilty to kidnapping and unlawful transportation of a minor. She is confined to a state hospital and is yet to be sentenced.

Wanda Barzee’s 6 children are not surprised that their mom could do something so evil- they say that they were her first victims. A video shows them going to the home they grew up in, they haven’t been back in years. Louree says their  family appeared normal outside, but inside everything changed. Rhonda said their father was over-controlling and abusive. Derrick learned how to fend for himself from age 8, he’d find his refuge in the back yard. Their mom would lock food up in the pantry for a couple of days to torment them. The dog loved them unconditionally, so Louree would hide with her dog in the doghouse, snuggle for warmth and eat dogfood. Derrick would roast on a stick whatever animal he could shoot with his BB gun. Their mom would take them upstairs and brainwash them each that the family would be better off without them, if they were dead. Andrea says she preferred the physical abuse to this mental abuse, these scars have remained. She robbed them of their childhood and innocence.

Rhonda, Derrick, Louree and Andrea are in the studio, 4 of 6 of Wanda’s children. Andrea is on the show to reveal the monster that is her mother, she does not like the media portrayal that Barzee is a vicitim of Mitchell. She thinks that she has been sympathetically portrayed as a psychological victim, Andrea wants to show that Barzee had issues before she ever met Mitchell. They were a bad match, each with their own psychological issues; they fed on each other. As children, they received physical abuse from their father, but also physical and medical neglect and prevalent emotional abuse. Outside appearances, meant that they looked like the Brady brunch, like a good Mormom family. Derrick says they had no sense of right or wrong, he was on his way to prison. Oprah says that as a child you don’t know what you need to develop. Derek craved love. Andrea says kids need structure, knowing they’ll still be loved no matter what. As kids, they never knew what was coming. Andrea did not know their life wasn’t normal until she visited someone else’s home. She went on a camping trip with another family and it was heaven, she realised that she did not care to be at home. She then took on the role of protector. Louree was the baby, when the others could get out and hide from the abuse, she couldn’t fend  for herself in the same way. Things were lost by the time she was born. The divorce happened in 1984, then Wanda who has always been depressed and psychologically abusive did have an emotional breakdown. When Andrea started to stand up for her siblings, she got the most physical abuse from mom and dad. They were all terrified of their dad- he declined the Oprah Winfrey Show’s request to be interviewed.

Oprah asks the siblings what they feel their mother’s sentence should be. Andrea doesn’t think her mother should see the light of day ever again, as a mother and citizen herself. Louree says that her mom is getting the right medication which is a good thing, now that she had accepted her part in this after years of untreated metal illness. Derrick says he is undecided. The eldest daughter had a hard time believing that her mom had any part of the ordeal, until she pled guilty. As the oldest of 6, Rhonda had a different feeling for her mom, she was closer to her- she was the first one, the golden child. She doesn’t remember her mother being abusive to her, they did cooking and baking and Wanda made all their clothes. Oprah reiterates that each child in every family has a different experience within that family. They haven’t seen each other for a long time, they need to respect how they each feel with regards to their upbringing. Rhonda is trying to remember the good.

Wanda was married to their father for 21years, then she  remarried Brian David Mitchell the next year. Rhonda got a creepy feeling from the first hug. Derrick says that everyone got that same feeling from Mitchell’s stare and mannerisms. In a video,  Rhonda says that originally Wanda and Brian seemed to be a happy couple. Derrick says he looked normal, but was weird, he had odd mannerisms. Louree was forced to pray with the couple for 2-4 hours a day. Once Brian nudged her and showed her some photos of nude women, but she closed her eyes. Louree said it seems that he was trying to get her to participate with them that day. The final straw before she moved out came when she asked what was for dinner one day. Her mom said chicken. Neither mom nor Brian touched their food, they were kind of picking at a salad, but Wanda sat smiling. The next day when she went to feed her rabbit Peaches, she wasn’t there. She asked her mom where the rabbit was, and she was told that she’d eaten her last night for dinner.

Back in the studio, Oprah says sitting at the dinner table, finding out you’re eating your pet rabbit, when you’re 14 years old. Louree said she couldn’t stay any more, the rabbit was the final straw in the mental torment. The control was too much; the windows were screwed from the outside, the TV was locked to National Geographic, she had to work from age 12, or was expected to only do church activities. Oprah asked if it also felt weird to hug their father- Derrick said their father never hugged them. The family dispersed, and then watching TV they found out that there mother was suspected of kidnapping Elizabeth Smart.

Back in 1991, Derrick heard that his mom and Brian had hit the road to preach, in an attempt to get closer to god. Wanda disowned her children. When Derrick’s son was about 8 years old, they ran into Wanda and Brian in a parking lot, he tried to introduce his son to his grandmother, and Wanda and Brian completely ignored them. On the 4th July, Louree and her daughter saw Wanda and Brian sitting under a tree, she went over to ask her mom how she was doing. Wanda grabbed her face, screamed that her father was evil, and then yelled scriptures at Louree. Rhonda saw them once at the grocery store, wearing robes holding a sack of potatoes- she couldn’t believe what she saw. Oprah says its interesting that Derrick wanted to introduce his son to Wanda after everything that happened. He says he wanted to connect and hoped his son would be able to, but it wasn’t to be. Derrick learned of the Elizabeth Smart crime on TV – he saw Brian’s profile on America’s Most Wanted. All the ill-feelings he’d had towards Brian clicked just then, and he wanted to find him and bring him to justice. He wanted to drag him by his beard to the police station. He knew 100% their mother had to be involved. Andrea was helping her foster parents move, and was told- later that night she called the police and had an interiew. The whole family gave the police tips as to where Brian and Wanda might be found.

Oprah asks why they went after Elizabeth Smart?  Louree says that she thinks they wanted to start their own religious cult. Brian was power-hungry within the church  and he couldn’t go much further within the church, and he wanted more. Rhonda got a letter from her mother recently. Andrea and Louree don’t stay in communication with their mother, Derrick has received a couple of things but he’s thrown them away; it’s too little, too late. Rhonda as the oldest didn’t believe it at first, she thought that maybe Wanda was the victim, she never spoke up for herself. They saw Brian and Wanda at their grandparents funeral, just before the kidnapping. Brian was yelling and screaming repent, and Wanda was walking quietly beside him. They felt she just followed him. Rhonda thinks she’s his victim because she wants to be. Rhonda thinks her mother should share responsibility for her actions.

Rhonda reads from a recent letter which says Wanda has boundless love for all her kids. Wanda is so very sorry for the lives of abuse, and that they have had to live without a mother or grandmother to their children. It is Wanda’s constant prayer that each of them may find it in their heart to forgive their mother, each is so precious to her. Louree shakes her head. Rhonda and Andrea cry. Louree says it makes her sick, everyone wants a mother’s love, and Wanda was never a mother. It makes her angry that now it’s too late. Usually you get either a mother or father which loves you, and they had neither. Derrick says as children there was a taboo around mentioning their mother’s sickness, and that now after a lifetime of suffering, their mother is getting the treatment she needs but their is a chasm between them to bridge. They don’t know how to do it. Andrea says its hard when there is nothing to model off or build a foundation.  She feels that Wanda doesn’t deserve the title of mother. A mother should nurture, teach, rear, uplift, comfort and love your children unconditionally. Oprah agrees that it is the hardest job on the world when it is done well. Andrea has a 22 year old son and a 19 year old daughter. Her son is the same age as Elizabeth Smart. Two weeks or so before the kidnapping, Wanda and Brian turned up at Andrea’s door, to try and enlist her as another wife. It was an interesting experience and she asked them to leave. As an adult she was able to control her own environment in a way she couldn’t as a child. They had sat down and talked about their gospel and Brian’s part in it as a messenger, and how they really wanted Andrea to take part in it. Andrea asked them to leave and they got up. Wanda asked for a hug and Andrea refused and said no but you can have a nice life.

Oprah goes back to ask Louree about the praying and the nude pictures- was there any abuse from Brian? Louree says there was no abuse but there was innuendos, long hugs and shrugging up against her. Itw as very uncomfortable, she felt that even in a turtleneck, Brian would undress her with his eyes. It ws very uncomfortable. She says that Brian gave Wanda a little bit of power to see what she would do with it, and it trickled. Derrick says Andrea would have kicked Brian’s butt if he’d tried to abuse her.

On September 10th, 2008 Elizabeth Smart was interviewed on Oprah when she said her captors should be charged as guilty, and that if they got out they’d do it all over again. Oprah asks the family what they think when they see Elizabeth Smart. Andrea commends her for the person she is, all she has endured and all that she aspires to be. Andrea says that as adults we create our own realities, and that her mom and Brian created theirs and shouldn’t be set free. She feels Brian is competent to stand trial- she says they are both intelligent, calculating manipulators. If you look at the time frame, her sudden cooperation is to help herself.

Oprah asks how the sins of their mother  have affected their lives. Louree respects every instance of her life for making her who she is. It has made her much stronger as a mother, and very close to her children. Derrick had to evaluate who he was, to look back and realise he was on the wrong path. He had to learn responsibility and own his own mistakes. He couldn’t blame his background for where he was going.  Rhonda is unable to have any children of their own. She got a letter recently from her dad apologizing that she had to parent her siblings. Growing up she was left to watch her siblings a lot. She wants to believe her mom, she’s tried to have a relationship with her for all these years. It’s hard. She doesn’t know how a mother could give up 6 of her own children and kidnap someone else’s child. Shes missed  a lot with her kids, but they’ve all turned out pretty darn good given the circumstances. She says both her mom and dad must have done something right.

Oprah asks why they haven’t all seen each other. Andrea feels she cant move forward if she’s living in the past, so she needs to surround herself with support. Oprah asks if the differences between their stages of healing and belief keeps them apart. Andrea has had a lot of therapy. Louree says its hard to go back and live in the past- it has been crazy since the story broke, prior to that she kept her past to herself. Now she has to come out and talk about it, which is good she supposes. Everyone’s experience is different, but seeing her mother try and take knives to her wrist or try and drown herself in the tub so that the children could save her, could try and make her love them, was so hard. And it’s hard for the siblings to remake their relationship when they have been in a mode of  every day survival.

Louree got a dolls house when she was 5 and it was her favorite things, 2 weeks later it was gone. It was as if her mother got a sense of happiness from the children’s distress. Oprah asks if Louree ever worries about becoming her mother, with the depression and mental abuse and neglect. She says no, she is aware of the psychological department, she is well-educated but her awareness helps her stay away from it. Oprah says we all have levels of dysfunction in our families, even Oprah has had to say I can meet you where you are now, to not go back and want to change the past. Rhonda is at that point. Derrick has too much distance, he doesn’t know to overcome the disconnection. Andrea has no desire for contact. Being a mother she can’t conceptualize what her mother did. Louree knew a monster, but she can’t say she’d want a relationship with that person, Louree doesn’t know who her mother is now. Andrea feels that this way her mother no longer has control. Taking a stand for herslelf. She left home at 13 to go to a foster home. Since then she has had to deal with the guilt of removing the primary target from the home. She was taken out of the home by a church program. Their mother kicked them out on the streets but she bribed the 3 youngers back into the house to stop the talk on the streets that she was a bad mother- two of them refused to go back.

Rhonda has forgiven her mother, but she is not sure how honest her mom is being. From the letters she’s received, Rhonda feels that her mother wasn’t able to stick up for her kids in front of her father. Oprah says it is our mammalian instinct to protect and care for our children, when that doesn’t happen something is very wrong. Oprah wishes them all peace and says that Wada Barzee declined to be interviewed for the program. A statement issued from her attorney stating that she remains in treatment for her mental illness and is a defendant in two criminal cases. Therefore she is unable to engage in a dialogue or comment on the subject of the program. She hopes to continue mending relationships wherever possible as she proceeds through her serious and unique circumstance.

Thank you all for watching today.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Each child in every family has a different experience within that family.

As adults we create our own realities and must be responsible for them.

We have to learn responsibility for our own mistakes and not blame our backgrounds for where we are going.

We all have levels of dysfunction in our families.

It is hard to form and nurture relationships when you are in survival mode every day.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

It is our mammalian instinct to protect and care for our children, when that doesn’t happen something is very wrong.

Date: January 26th, 2010
File Under: Betrayal, Celebrity, Family, Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized

Episode 13: Denise Richards and Mrs Ted Haggard: Surviving a Public Scandal

Actress Denise Richard says she knows what you might think of her, she has been called all the names in the book. For the last five years she has just taken it – the stares, the comments, the speculation- and now she’s ready to speak her mind. At the time of her divorce she took the high road, she was advised to keep quiet, she hoped it would blow over and it didn’t- it escalated and got really, really bad.. She survived it and now she’s here to speak her piece, and to offer hope to any woman in her situation. Oprah clarifies that she means that literally, after all the anger and emotional struggle, Denise now has peace. Denise says she had so much emotional difficulties at the time that she would not have been able to talk about this while she was living it, but now she has distanced herself, and that she and Charlie are now in a great place.

Denise Richards was the beautiful Midwestern girl who set her sights on Hollywood. She became a Bond Girl, and 2 years later got together with Charlie Sheen. They were red capet regulars, but she filed for divorce when pregnant with her second child. The battle raged on for more than four years, with accusations of drugs, pornography and prostitutes, and allegations that she stole her best friend’s husband. Denies and Charlie have called a truce. But on Christmas morning in Aspen Colorado, Charlie’s wife of 20 months, Brooke, called police saying that he had  threatened her with a  knife. They have twin baby boys. Denise got a collect call on Christmas Day from jail, her first reaction was is he ok? He told her that he and Brooke had got into a fight and Brooke called the cops, but he wanted to say Merry Christmas to the girls, Sammy and Lola. He called again when he got out of jail. Oprah recalls that he threatened Denise, as written in the divorce documents. Denise takes a deep breath and says that he was abusive at times. She can’t lie- he was abusive and threatening – there were times with much verbal abuse, which got very scary. He never hit her but he would push or shove her. It’s public knowlege that she had a restraining order against him because of this. She told Charlie she was coming on the show, she told him she would be honest, but there are some things she won’t reveal. Does Denise think he has a problem with managing his temper and with the way he treats her and his current wife? Yes, says Denise. He has a very sharp tongue- he played on Denise’s insecurities, which she acknowledges that we all do in relationships . Oprah interrupts to say that it is interesting that Denise said he never hit her, and so many women use the “he never hit me” calling card yet they cower in intimidation and manipulation. Denise says it’s easy to judge when you are on the outside. Denise loved him, she wanted it to work- she doesn’t love him now, he’s not the person she married. She cares for him and would help him out if necessary because he is her daughters father. There were some very dark times, with humiliation, particularly when she filed the restraining order. She was scared, embarrassed, terrified. She didn’t have any inkling when they married that the relationship would be volatile. He was 3 years sober when they met, which she admired, she thought that his past was in the past. Did she feel put upon because alot of the press was labelling her as a golddigger and man-stealer, when he was being threatening and abusive? Denise says it was very, very difficult, and she hit rock-bottom. This is a sad situation, he now has two baby boys and they have a Dad in jail for Christmas, but perhaps people can understand what she went through. She’s not sure that she feels vindicated. As the show goes to commercial break, there is a written and spoken disclaimer that Charlie Sheen has repeatedly denied Denise Richards’ allegations of abuse.

This is Denise Richard’s first time speaking out since the Christmas arrest, but they have got to a good place together. Oprah asks how good that place will be after this show and Denise laughs and says it depends how much they talk about- she says they’ve gotten through worse with a lot of work. Their daughters did not ask to be born into a hostile situation- she and Charlie started to see  a mediator,- so to be able to have an early dinner together on New Year, is important for the kids who don’t deserve this stuff. Denise’s dad in the audience says it’s so frustrating- he respects his daughter for trying to makie it work but was angry at her for repeatedly going back. She kept going back because their oldest was 9 months and she was 6 months pregnant when she filed for divorce. She did it for the kids, she did not want this life for them. She was terrified for her own life. When she filed for divorce, they had had a very big argument, the next day he went to work and she packed a suitcase and took her 9 month old and went straight to an attorneys office. She was terrified and relieved that she had the strength to do it. When she heard he was remarrying, she had very much moved on- it was impossible to make her marriage work- she hopes he is different. Brooke is her daughters step-mom so she wants it to be a healthy relationship for everyone.

Oprah asks her how she felt when the tabloids called her a husband-stealer, what happened there? Richie was single when they were both going through their divorces. It started as a friendship, they leaned on each other and both had parents that were ill. Oprah asks if she knows the rule that the best friends husband is off limits rule, whatever the circumstances may be? Denise says that she was friends with Heather, but they weren’t best friends, and if they been friends then she would have never crosssed that line; Richie would have been off limits. The friendship was done, they weren’t friends anymore. She had mixed feelings, she was embarrassed and could feel the other mothers staring at her. Doing Mommy and Me and preschool runs was humiliating. She is now in a good place herself. Her 4 and 5 year old daughters are her pillars. Their favorite presents were their American Girl dolls- they were spoiled at Christmas. She did tell them about their Dad- a kid in kindergarten asked her 5 year old if her Daddy was still in jail. Oprah says theat kindergarten ain’t what it used to be. She asks if she is comfortable for Charlie to be with the girls, does she trust him? Denise says yes after a long pause. She says it’s up and down, a work in progress. Oprah asks if that means she didn’t trust him at some point; Denise says it was challenging. Many people said she was being manipulative and controlling, but she did what any parent in their right mind would have done. It is about the girls. Oprah asks if it’s his temper, what is it? Denise says it’s a combination of a lot of things, and Denise has always been about keeping the girls safe and healthy. Oprah says that Denise is not going to tell her what it is, as “a lot of things” is not an answer. Denise says she is starting to sweat. Oprah says Denise should only say what she feels comfortable with, but she wants Denise to know that it’s a lot isn’t an answer. Denise looks to her Dad and says everyone has read certain things, and that everyone must agree that some of those things are not appropriate for children. She can’t control Charlie or Brooke or what goes on in their home, but what she can control is the situation in her own home and keep her girls safe. Oprah leaves it at that because Denise is uncomfortable, but she says that all the things we read about prostitution, pornography and drugs are not appropriate for children. Oprah wishes Denise the best and thanks Denise for coming on the show. As the show goes to commercial break, a disclaimer says that Charlie Sheen denies that he threatened his wife Brooke with a knife, and that Brooke and Charlie want to work on their issues. He goes to trial in February.

It’s all too common; a well known, widely respected man is caught in a very public scandal, then steps forward and admits doing something wrong while his wife stands stoically by his side. Ted Haggard and his wife Gail were on the show last January after his shocking secret life was exposed – he was a powerhouse evangelist with 30 million followers, charismatic and influential, a rising star, until the sex scandal. On the show he said he wasn’t gay, but a heterosexual with homosexual attachments, as diagnosed by his first therapist. In 2006 a former male escort claimed a 3 year sexual relationship that included payment for sex and crystal meth. The details were sordid and humiliating. It was not an emotional relationship, it was strictly for sex. Ted initially denied everything, he said he never did drugs nor did he have a gay relationship, ever. Gail initially believed him but the story began to fall apart. He admitted that he called the other man for meth, for himself, but never used it. He eventually admitted to using drugs and sexual immorality. He said to Gail that he was toxic, so poisonous, that she should divorce him. Why did she stay? Gail is here and has written a new book called Why I Stayed.

Oprah read it last night and then this morning had an epiphany; she decided to approach this interview with no judgement; judge not lest ye be judged. Her conclusion is that Gail loves this man in a way that Oprah has never loved, Oprah is independent and has always made her own decisions and can’t therefore imagine ever being in the situation where someone could betray her and she would stay. It is unimaginable to her, yet Oprah can see that coming where Gail came from, Oprah can see how Gail could do it.

Gail is glad that Oprah doesn’t want to judge her- she would say that she is strong and independent and that these were her choices. She felt that the betrayal could lead to greater strength. On page 108 of her book, Gail asks if the fault lays with her- was she not enough, not attractive , not fun, not sexually satisfying enough? Gail says that most women would ask herself those questions when faced with infidelity , would ask if they failed somehow, would ask what’s wrong with me? Gail asked herself those questions then asked Ted those questions. He answered that this was his problem, not hers, and that she was enough. Oprah asks if this would be the same if the infidelities were with women? That for some women it’s easier if the man was gay. Gail says the dynamics were different, another woman would make her feel that she definitely wasn’t enough; it raises a whole different set of challenges. Oprah says another man means there’s nothing you can do about it, which can make it easier. Gail thinks that the whole woman thing would have been different challenges, but the same principles.

Oprah asks for clarification; knowing that her husband had had relationships with men in the past, why did Gail believe him when he denied a relationship? Gail says she really did believe it becasue she was too naive, there were hints. After Jonathan, their special needs son was born, Ted came to her and said that there had been an incident the previous year that he needed to share. It involved another man, it wasn’t a sexual relationship, but it was a somewhat sexual encounter that had happened when he was a graduate student in a bookstore in another city. He determined to get out of grad school and never go back, and went to see a counselor that day. He carried so much guilt that he didn’t reveal the incident for a year, a year and a half. Oprah asks if the admission of an encounter of any kind plants the seed  that he is interested in men. Yes, it did. This happened over 25 years ago. Gail understands that we all have struggles and weaknesses in our life- but if she heard that now it would have  been a huge sign for her. Then she was naive to the gravity of the situation. She wanted to deal with it and believed that he had dealt with it, and that was why she was so staggered when the situation came out.

Its been just over 3 years since Ted Haggard was brought down by a gay sex scandal. Ted joins us. Gail writes on page 67 of the day she decided to stay in the marriage. Ted reached out for her in bed, and her heart broke, and she began her journey of choosing to love. Ted, literally, cried when he read that. He realised that so many others would have withdrawn, justifiably so, and maybe just put him out. Oprah asks her what made her choose- it was the first night that he had confessed that parts of the allegations were true. Ted was already in bed, when she slowly went to bed. Oprah is outraged that he was in the bed, that he was allowed to be there, and that Gail went to join him. Ted says that’s why the book is so incredible, to see Gail making so many choices to keep there family together.  Gail clarifies that she had a sense of betrayal and had a sense of revulsion, but she fell back on what mattered in her marriage, the things she believed about her husband. It was a secret, she hates secrets, it was very painful for her; she wanted to know the truth and know her husband. But she knows what kind of man he is, the good that he’s done and the wonderful parts of their marriage. and she’s not willing to let go of that. Sharing her epiphany, Oprah says to Ted that Gail really loves her. Ted says yes she really loves him, this woman is deeply infatuated with him, she loves him, which is an incredible thing. Gail says its more than infatuation, she really loves him. Ted says its incredible for a woman to love a man the way Gail loves him, he doesn’t deserve it, it’s a gift she has given him, and that he is so grateful.

Oprah asks Gail if she trusts him as much as she loves him? Gail says this is her answer: Rebuilding trust, she had the confidence that he was faithful to her, and that she could believe what he said. Ted felt that when the scandal happened it became his responsibility to do  things so she could trust him. He took lie detector tests, he’s super accountable, he calls her constantly. He makes sure she has no doubt about where he is, so that Gail can deal with her fears reasonably. He makes it his resonsibility, he doesn’t expect blind trust. The rules he lives by are

1 He answers everything. He Tweets and Facebook’s his schedule for Gail and the public.

2. If he goes anywhere alone, he calls Gail when he gets there and when he leaves, and informs her of any adjustments of schedule

He says he stepped up and decided to do this, rather than have rules imposed by Gail, which would feel very different. He’ll mask it by asking if she wants anything from the grocery store as he’s leaving, so it doesn’t feel like checking in with his parole officer. He realises he also violated his children’s trust. If he travels and Gail can’t go, for whatever reason, something like the children or whatever, then he stays in the pastor’s home, not in a hotel. No one imposed that on him, he does it himself, it’s not a contract or anything like that. Oprah asks if he does it so that he can be trusted by them or if he doesn’t trust himself? Ted says that always when people have been in any behaviour like that, there is a chance of a problem. Ted trusts himself but step number 1 in the 12 step program encourages us to never think that we are immune. Oprah asks if the 12-step program got him through this process? He says it helped, and he’s still in counselling for other (non-sexual) issues, other things. The biggest thing that helped him was therapy, since that time he’s not had one compulsive thought or behaviour. Oprah asks if he feels he’s heterosexual and he says oh yeah, we have a lot of evidence. He laughs, Gail doesn’t. Oprah asks, and he clarifies that he no longer has any homosexual issues.

Oprah asks Gail what if he comes to her and says he’s slipped up? Gail says it’s a day she hopes never happens, but realistically she has to be prepared for that. She thinks her heart is not ready for that at this point, but she believes that the principles that got her through before could get her through again. Oprah asks if the marriage is stronger and better; Gail says absolutely. Gail loves him more now after they’ve  walked through these difficulties together and she knows his weaknesses. Before she felt she couldn’t get close enough to him, there was a wall she couldn’t get past, and once they started this process, once the huge lights were shining on her husband  they were able to get behind the wall and walk through that and that gave her more love for Ted. Gail’s book is out today, thank you Gail, thank you Ted.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Despite denials, Charlie Sheen is most likely threatening and abusive

Most people would agree that drugs, pornography and prostitutes are not appropriate for children

If Gail Haggard’s husband had been unfaithful with women, there would have been different challenges, but the same principles of recovery.

To avoid all trust issues with oneself and others, stay in the pastor’s house rather than a hotel.

Therapy can work to reverse all homosexual impulses and feelings.

A VERY CONCISE SUMMARY:

Drugs and sexual immorality can lead to a stronger, better marriage with more love.

Date: January 25th, 2010
File Under: Celebrity, Entertainment, Family, Marriage, Relationships
1 comment

Episode 12: Rosie O’Donnell: Life After The Breakup and Her New Love

It’s been a long time since the Oprah Winfrey Show has heard from Rosie, come on out. They hug. Oprah admires her hair, and Rosie says she had to do the menopause cut at the back… she cut the underneath of her hair to avoid the thick-hair-sweat issue. They are both angry that no-one told them about menopause, about how it would be- Rosie hit menopause at 41, Oprah at 50. Suzanne Sommers called Rosie after seeing her on the show and advised her to take bio-identical hormones, and it changed her whole life. She doesn’t do everything Suzanne does, not 7 million pills and a shot in the vajayjay- Rosie takes a prescription cream. For a while she had a brillo moustache from the progesterone- she became The Lunch Lady, who didn’t remove it because she couldn’t see it. She feels alot better and younger now- Oprah interrupts to say that’s a topic for a whole new show.

It’s been 13 years since she was last on the show, but she did call Oprah once at 2 in the morning, crying after Columbine saying that they have to form a union to save the children of the world. Oprah was so good, telling her to breathe. Oprah realised that that tragedy affected different people in different ways. Rosie says when she first started her show she had a delusion of fame that the power of fame could stop bad things from happening- she felt she could get the other superhero media women together to change things, to make the world a better place. Rosie says that Oprah plays a central role in the movie of Rosie’s life, but Oprah doesn’t realise that she’s cast in it.

Oprah asks where Rosie has been the last couple of years, and Rosie says she’s been at home trying to figure out what to do with the second part of her life. Her mother died at age 40, so Rosie spent her whole life thinking she would only live to be 40. Her goal was to do everything she could by 40 then retire and wait to be told she was going to die. And yet every year her mammogram is clear. Rosie got divorced, although she and Kelly were in the first group to be married and it was annulled so they didn’t need a divorce as such. Rosie says that a lesbian divorce is a different paprdigm- the emotional connection remains. Every woman but one of Rosie’s past relationships is still in her life. They prioritise looking after the kids, they are the focus, that is what it is about. Oprah asks why they broke up. Rosie says that what they wanted and and needed at 30/ 35 and 40/ 45 changed. They did not grow apart, they both came back to being their authentic selves. When they met they were very wrapped up in their careers, and fame. For the last two years, she was at home painting and spending alot of time alone. She took her show as a job, with the aim of being at home with her children. She finds it impossible that fame doesn’t corrupt people, it is a toxic drug. Oprah agrees that it is a drug, but says that she hasn’t been drugged by it. Rosie didn’t realise until she was done with her show. She did alot of charity work, and her son asked why she didn’t stay home and take care of them instead of running out to compulsively raise money for charity. Oprah says that in the last 5 years, fame has become an obsession. Rosie agrees that as a nation we have become obsessed with fame, so that trivial news such as who she’s dating can be a headline on CNN.

Video footage shows Rosie’s guesthouse in New York state, where she has made a radio studio, The best part of her gig is that she can wear pajamas. She does a radio show with her kids. Back in the studio, Oprah says Rosie has a new radio show and an HBO documentary about families. Oprah asks what she has learned from her kids now, the oldest of whom is 14. Rosie said she has had to learn alot lately, especially with the idea of co-parenting, Her whole life she has wanted to be a mother, a full-time mother. They co-parent and spend equal time together with the kids. The kids are free-flowing, some are always here and there. Kelly lives close by, but not quite in the same town. One night when she was crying, her son said calm down mom, I’ll always be your son, no matter where I am. Rosie always wanted to be a family with a mom who stayed. She could do the things she could only dream of as a child- provide matching socks, clean underwear. She was raised with love, compassion and grace by  a community of women with no blood relation- the neighbor women. Sadly her mother’s death was never talked about- Rosie never said out loud that her mother died until she was at college. Oprah is sure that affected her – Rosie says she’s almost annoying to her kids by asking what are you feeling? Should we talk? She wants her kids to remember that family is forever, change is inevitable and you can always survive it, that you can survive unexpected huge challenges. She hopes to teach them by doing it herself; that there is always something new in the future and you don’t now what that might be, but it has the potential for tremendous joy and to remember what was without the pain of what it is not now.

Despite the divorce, they do all the monumental events together- first day at school, the red carpet… The documentary is about family, and truth is what works for her and her family. She has been working for the last 2 years on “A Family is a Family, is a Family: A Rosie O’Donnell Celebration of Love”, an HBO documentary. They play an extract from the documentary, Rosie is talking with her daughter, about how a family is forever and family is love. Oprah asks why Rosie wanted to make that documentary? She says that she had been a rolemodel for the gay/ lesbian community, and she wanted to be honest in this documentary- gay families are just like other families, and divorce happens. It’s been the most painful experience of her adult life.

Rosie started in stand-up, then became most famous in her 6 year stint hosting the Rosie O’Donnell Show starting in 1996 , where she got 11 Emmy’s. She quit to spend more time with her family, then in 2006 returned to daytime television as a co-host on The View. Ratings soared and so did the controversy. It all came to a head with a heated political debate with co-host Elizabeth Hasselback. They’d had a friendship and it didn’t ring true. Rosie decided she’d had enough. Rosie asked Elizabeth how she felt about her comrades on Fox, where Hasselback is a commentator, calling Rosie un-American and saying she didn’t care about the troops. Elizabeth said she wasn’t going to defend her. Rosie said they were friends, and that Elizabeth had been to her house, and that what viewers saw were her hurt feelings and betrayal. Oprah asks if that’s why she didn’t come back- Rosie says that the producers had pre-prepared a split-screen. Rosie knew that and felt that she had been manipulated. She doesn’t feel that the best use of her talent is arguing and fighting. Living legend Barbara Walters was the person who’s show it was, it was not Rosie’s show. They play a clip of Barbara Walter’s on the Oprah Show, saying Rosie is loving and wonderful but had a moment of pure rage in the dressing room once that she didn’t want to talk about.

Oprah had read in Rosie’s Book, Celebrity Detox, about the incident. Rosie had made fun of Donald Trump’s hair. Oprah reads from the book saying that if Rosie stands up after a confrontation, it is because her rage is too big for her body. Rosie  says she stood up,  said a lot of terrible things and regretfully she says she scared Barbara Walters. Rosie regrets that moment because no one speaks to Barbara that way. They liken Walters to the queen; Oprah says she is the queen. Rosie was demanding an emotional connection.They think that maybe Rosie was projecting stuff onto her; Rosie says she didn’t think Barbara was her mother, but anyone in that age range, she has reverence for. Rosie was hurt because she felt Barbara should have come to her defense and she didn’t. Rosie tries to teach her children, her 12 year old, what are you feeling? She tries to show her children what their feelings are. If she had been braver, at that moment she would have just cried. Oprah says that is so interesting- when crying is so often perceived as the weak thing to do, why does Rosie say it would be braver? Because it would have been authentic, the true feeling . Rosie’s armour is to stand up and shout. She did go home and cried, alot. Kelly would say to her that she has to get her feelings under control. She is lucky that in her business she can express those emotions but sometimes she gets overwhelmed. Oprah asks how it healed her, the process. Rosie says you get to face yourself over and over, that you evolve and at some point the stories have to change. There are so many stories; by telling the same one over and over you define yourself in the past. What has healed Rosie is a willingness to step out of her history and into her present. Now she can live more authentically, she can speak without putting her guard up.

Rosie’s video blog has quite a following. That’s how she met Tracy- she wrote on the blog asking if she wanted to trade art. Rosie looked her up, she’s an artist and a  single lesbian mom of 6 – 5 adopted from foster care and 1 she birthed with down syndrome. She’s a doula, surfer, gardener, recycler, works for gay foster care rights… Rosie wrote to her and asked if she was for real or a joke. She was the perfect match for Rosie’s wants. Her big heart appealed to Rosie. Rosie invited her to Miami, she didn’t even know if it was a date. They had never spoken, nor had she seen her. Tracy got out of the car and Rosie said zoinks, because she is absolutely gorgeous. They are moving to live together, they are going to blend the families. Rosie says her kids know her. When she told her oldest about Tracy, he said it sounds pretty perfect. Rosie is very happy, and it’s not that Kelly made her unhappy, it’s just that they wanted different things at different times.

Oprah asks her to reveal something that she’s never revealed. Rosie says that’s hard, that she tends to tell everything, almost too much- in her book she says she told how she used to self-injure as a child. That’s a tough thing to say, but a important one. She understands how you feel the need to make a physical pain to override the emotional pain. Right now, her secret, she is not wearing underpants.

Oprah asks if Rosie has healed some of the rage? Yes, but it took a long time and self acceptance and understanding that you can choose to see the  glass as half empty or half full. Whenever she teaches that lesson to her kids, she relearns  it for herself. Oprah advises every family to watch the family documentary on HBO on January 31st. Oprah and Rosie both have a radio series on Sirius FM; Rosie bought a Sirius radio or everyone in the audience. The audience  go wild. Goodbye everybody.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Menopausal hot-sweat discomfort for those with thick hair can be eased with the right haircut.

Fame corrupts. Fame is a toxic drug.

Family is forever, change is inevitable and you can always survive it,  you can survive unexpected huge challenges

There is always something new in the future and you don’t know now what that might be, but it has the potential for tremendous joy, without the pain of the present.

Crying is not weak; it is brave, authentic and true.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

What has healed Rosie is a willingness to step out of her history and into her present

Date: January 14th, 2010
File Under: Family, Grief, Looking for love, Relationships

Episode 5: Nate Teams Up with the Millionaire Matchmaker

41 year old Robin’s plea was to be helped out by Nate Berkus. She was the homecoming princess, she always had a boyfriend: who knew she’d end up a single cat lady?  She feels she still looks good but she is picky. She’s given up hope, she is thinking of getting another cat to bring home to the three she already has. She needs Nate, “please Oprah send him to me” she implores.

Nate comes out to wild applause. Oprah says he smells good. They speak of the three cat limit, how a line is crossed beyond that. Oprah tells us that Nate is very straight talking in matters of the heart, but he has never done matchaking so he called in Patti Stanger, a third generation matchmaker. She is on Bravo TV’s The Matchmaker. Patti and Nate team up to help Robin. They look at her man-wishlist. She wants smart and unmarried, she says quitting is not an option, she doesn’t want someone’s ex. Patti and Nate disagree- the best kept secret is the divorced man because they can commit; 90% will stay second time around. Robin does not want a man who drinks out of a straw- Patti and Nate say this can’t be on the dealbreaker list. Dealbreaker’s include religion and politics, not straws. Robin says she can be intense, maybe it scares men away. Patti thinks this is scary, like Robin is interviewing for her new husband- the men pick up on her vibration. Oprah implies that Robin’s vibration is like a panting, no-straw repeating dog.

Robin doesn’t understand why she is still single. Her new dating coaches say it may have something to do with her expectations. Nate reads from her huge list of requirements including no Facebook page, no kids, no straw-drinking; good-looking, athletic, generous, no smoking, likes sweets, handy, with a big family he loves and  success in all he does. Robin doesn’t believe this man exists. Patti and Nate say this list shows the girl is too high maintenenace. Patti doesn’t want her to miss out on a great opportunity because of the list. Nate thinks she has added so many items to the list to counteract previous disappointments. Oprah says that the person on the wish list does exist and his name is Jesus. The crowd go wild. Robin was asked to narrow the list down to five attributes. She picks honest, smart, passionate, funny/ silly and successful. Successful could mean money, Robin thinks she could potentially be comfortable if she earned more money than the man, like if he was a teacher and loved it despite it being a badly paid profession.

Patti forced Robin to choose the dealbreaker’s, the values. This is not about lowering expectations- this is a person with frailties; Robin is not buying a car or ordering a pizza. Patti says that people think that they order from a wishlist and God will deliver it tomorrow. We need to reprogram our brain to think that the man is alive and out there. Dating should be fun, not a dentist visit. You are not human resources, stop interviewing. Women looking for men should go skiing, men outnumber women 5-1 and they are rich; you don’t have to ski just sit in the lodge and drink the hot toddies. Most guys go skiing alone, with their buddies.

Robin goes out on a date while Patti and Nate are staking them out in a van outside the restaurant. Robin meets Rick while the coaches are in the surveillance van. Everyone is smiling. Rick looks at the wine list and Robin says she’ll actually have a beer. Rick is happy that she’s having a beer- Patti says that’s excellent, it shows that she is low maintenance, Rick says something very similar. Nate observes that Robin drinks from the bottle yet has a straw issue. They send her a note from the van saying that she’s doing well, then later one saying let your hair down. She tells the guy what they want and  he says she should work with them. Nate and Patti say she is dumbing herself down in the conversation. They send her a note asking to meet her in the bathroom, where she says Rick is too old- she guesses he is probably her age. She wants someone in their thirties. Back in the studio they discuss with Oprah that she was being too cutesy, and dumbing herself down. Robin feels that men her age are too old- they have old hearts or old spirits and Robin is young at heart. Oprah says that something peculiar happens to men in their fiftiess, but not in their forties’s. They discuss the issue that she wants someone unmarried but those she meets are set in their ways. She wants a man in his mid-thirties and Oprah says that those men want women in their twenties.

Patti told Nate that the person asking the questions is the one who is pursuing. Oprah tells Robin that this isn’t the hotseat, but rather the warm and fuzzy Oprah show. Robin is representative of the millions of single women watching the show. Oprah says she hated the taking down of the hair, that it was too overt, too contrived. Patti felt the conversation was drifting and that the only way to shift that was sexually. Oprah says she literally was trying to perk things up. Patti wants Robin to know that she is amazing and she’ll help Robin find someone in the real world, off-camera. Patti has a newly released book.

It has been five years since Nate experienced loss in the tsunami in the Indian Ocean. When the disaster struck, Nate was right in the middle of it. He and his partner were  vacationing. Miraculously, Nate lived through the catastrophe but Fernando did not. A few weeks later Nate came on the air and talked about his experience, his tragedy. He and Fernando were carried out to the water, where Fernando slipped away. Oprah says it has been five years, and asks Nate how the grief process has been. He says that when Oprah came to his house he couldn’t find any reason to get out of bed. He had daily therapy, Oprah asks if it taught him more about himself. He says he is unrecognisable to the person he used to be.

In 1996, Angela and Jeff had a two year old, Bryce, and the they found out they were having twins. Eric and Aaron were unseparable; as newborns they held hands. They were always together, having fun. When the twins were six, Angela and Jeff noticed a change in Eric, he would fall down the stairs. He was diagnosed with a  benign brain tumour. The radiation therapy shrunk the tumour, but it later came back as cancer and Eric died when he was nine. Aaron didn’t do well at all, all he did at school was cry. Aaron says he didn’t feel like life, he was going through the motions, but not really living. Aaron would write notes to Eric to tell him what he was doing. Nate went to their house to do a business plan, but he recognised himself in Eric. Nate called the Oprah Show and said this story is not about a business plan, it is about grief and grieving.

Nate says he can see that the parents are doing their best to keep the family together. Angela feels it just doesn’t go away, some days she has to be under the covers. Some days just stick in her face that he’s gone. Nate says that December, the month of the tsunami and August, the month of Fernando’s birthday were horrorible. Then he realised that the dates have no power. The memory has the power and the memory could come whenever, thus Nate took the power back. Angela tells Oprah that this advice really helped her. Oprah remembers that Camille Cosby said after her son was murdered that everyone has to walk through the fire at some time, that we have to walk right through it.

Oprah knows many of us have struggled through grief. Eric’s depression got so bad that he said he didn’t want to be here anymore. They went to the family paediatrician. The doctor tells Nate that Aaron was unrecognisable. She asked him what he likes to do, he said cook, so the doctor gave him $20 and told him to cook for his brother, and that she was an investor and needed a business plan. A week later he returned to the doctor with a tray of cookies and a big smile. He pays his big brother $2 a day to help out and he gives a portion of his proceeds to the charities that helped Eric.

Oprah says the story is beautiful but  she is crying because the doctor did not just put Eric on anti-depressants. God Bless You she says. That is amazing. Angela noticed a change immediately. Aaron got a sense of pride and self-esteem. He thinks of his brother with every cookie he makes. His favourite cookie is inspired by Paula Dean, his favorite chef, the recipe: chocolate gooey butter cookies. In comes Paula Dean with a tray of cookies and hugs Eric. She hugs Angela and Oprah.

Paula Dean, Food Network superstar, built her empire from working out of home cooking up lunches. She turned to her kitchen when she lost her parents. Only in the kitchen would she be able to forget about her loss. She says Aaron can go to the kitchen and celebrate his brother’s life and make his brother proud. Nate recounts the kitchen challenges they have at home- they’ve been through five mixers, the oven is broken and they broke a wooden spoon. Paula remembers she broke a bowl on the Oprah Show. Lowe’s donates a $10,000 gift card to Aaron to outfit the kitchen for his business. The audience each get a $100 gift card. And Lowe’s will donate to two of Aaron’s favourite charities for each gift card that is purchased between now and Valentine’s Day, with a guaranteed donation of $125,000 each to Casey Cares and Make A Wish.

Paula and Nate have cooked up one more surprise for Aaron, they are going to fly him to Georgia to get a behind the scenes look at how Paula’s business works. They look at Paula’s brand new heels that aren’t even hers. Oprah thanks everyone.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

There is a three cat limit, beyond this a line has been crossed

The best-kept dating secret is the divorced man

When dating you are not Human Resources: stop interviewing

In grief, the date does not have the power, the memory has the power

In the kitchen, one can be creative and temporarily forget loss

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Finding a partner is not the same as buying a car or ordering a pizza.

Date: January 13th, 2010
File Under: Family, Marriage, Relationships

Episode 4: Marriage Around The World

Those of you who have been married a long time could write a book about it, yet the institution of marriage is changing around the world. Last year Oprah went to copenhagen, and was so impressed by relationships and life there. One of the people who showed Oprah around Copenhagen,  Nanna,  is now taking us to Cairo.

In the old part of Cairo, twenty times more populated than Copenhagen, we go to meet Heba, an interior designer. Nanna says that in Denmark it is very safe, extremely safe; what about here? Nanna is surprised to hear that Cairo is also extremely safe. Egypt has the highest divorce rate, one in three marriages end in divorce. Nanna lives with her boyfriend of 14 years, but they are unmarried. In Cairo this is unacceptable. Even after Heba’s divorce she would not live with a man without marriage. After divorce, women tend to move in with parents; Heba lives with her Mum. Nanna says that in Denmark every woman works, in Cairo almost all women stop working when they have kids.

Oprah says this is interesting. Nanna joins the conversation by Skype. What is Nanna’s impression of women in Egypt? Many women wear scarves but many of the younger have tight clothing, lots of make up and a scarf, which she found to be contradictory. Heba says to wear a scarf means you are more traditional, more pious, and to not wear a scarf means that you are more open minded. She sits next to Injy who is wearing a scarf. Oprah asks if there is tension between the scarf wearers and non-wearers. All present on Skype answer in the affirmative. Heba says that women are judged on their scarf, despite the tenets of religion which says don’t judge others. Injy disputes the idea that no scarf means you are more contemporary and  more open-minded. She says scarf wearing and non-scarf wearing runs across the gamut.

Nanna asks three Egyptian women, Heba, Injy and Dr Heba, how much the  scarf wearing is religion or culture. They say all religion. Injy clarifies that in wearing the scarf you are causing people to not lust after you, not to want you. Nanna tells them that in Denmark being found to be sexy is very desirable. Heba will not wear a scarf, she says her religion is more a spiritual sense. Dr Heba says this means she’s not religious. Heba responds that people say you can choose to wear the scarf or not, that it is the choice of the individual, but that you are judged at the same time.

Nanna goes to Dr Heba’s home, where she lives with husband and three daughters. Dr Heba introduces Helen who helps them out in the home- she says it’s  not hard to have a maid in India because it costs such a tiny amount of money. Everyone loves yoghurt, Danes and Egyptians. There are lots of creams but no make-up in the bathroom. Nanna seems disturbed by all the colors in Dr Heba’s daughter’s room.  Nanna says that  in Denmark the whole room would be pretty much white.

Oprah thinks it is interesting that making ones self attractive to men is all we do here in the US. Injy says that attemping to create a lustfull reaction in the opposite sex is absolutely not a priority. She has prioritised her religion by choosing to wear the scarf two years ago. Nanna talks to some women about divorce- women have only been able to initiate divorce within the last ten years. A man can divorce simply by saying you are free to go, whereas the women have to go to court for a trial. In Denmark, Nanna says no one  ever gets  married before living together. Injy clarifies that this does mean that the whole country is living in sin by Egyptian standards.

Injy says that Egypt is a very sexually frustrated country. There is no sex before marriage, but men often have no money to marry, and consequently have no sex until they are  in their thirties. Islam endorses a healthy sex life between married people and encourages foreplay and pleasure within that structure. Oprah asks why Heba is so quiet. Heba is very awkward, says she is more liberal and open minded. She says that a relationship culminates in marriage. Without necessarily living with your partner, it is long term. Oprah asks if people who are not strictly religious are having sex before marriage. Alot of people says Heba. (The audience laughs)

Divorce is on rise, Injy says that this is because men are no longer men, and women no longer women. There is serious confusion. Neither gender complies with the  stereotype, yet each expects the other to live up to the stereotype. Oprah says Denmark has an extreme sense of equality, does Nanna feel the same in Egypt? Nanna says no, as illustrated by the ability for a man to divorce his wife by text message, while women need to go to trial. She declares that this is unfair in her opinion.

Do the Egyptian women feel repressed? Heba does feel repressed as a woman to a certain extent. There are still many things that she can’t do. Injy doesn’t feel repressed but is aware that she is not representative of the population. Oprah has never been to Egypt, but will go as soon as she can. Not only is Egypt promoted by Obama as a country to visit, but now she alos knows two people who live there. Oprah will go to Egypt soon, thanks to everyone.

Oprah interviews two indignant Palestininians in the audience, speaking on behalf of Muslims. They say that men can’t divorce by text message. A man must actually say it 3 times. Oprah clarifies that the bottom line is that women must go to court for a divorce, while men jsut speak their desire.

Eat, Pray, Love author Elizabeth Gilbert wrote about recovering from divorce and learning to love again. The author is featured in Oprah Magazine this month. Oprah comments on the difference between how she looks in the morning versus how she is portrayed on the cover of the magazine.

Elizabeth Gilbert says we have this sweet and lovely idea that traditional marriage is a union between one man and one women. This is not the case- marriage was usually an agreement between one man and several women, for economic or family-building reasons. She says the only thing that is consistent about the history of marriage is the element of change. Usually for many women, the idea of the golden age of marriage now means nothing. In 1967 interr-racial marriage made legal, the same arguments being made before that ruling apply now for gay marriage. Now there is the idea of the wifeless marriage- many people want to be married without becoming, or having, the traditional idea of the wife.

100,000 women become mail order brides. Ukraine, which is the size of Texas, is  known for beautiful women, most of whom work in low-paid jobs, Women see marriage as a way out. Lera became a mail order bride to be able to move to US. It was an arrangement for a visa and green card; the husband is simply an extra. She says she had low standards and was only really  after conversation. She did however want to be liked for her self so her online picture was not a tight short red dress image, like the majority of the Ukrainian pictures.

Steve, a man in his 50’s was the third man to reply to her email. They got to know each other over the internet. Steve came to visit in Kiev, Steve was already in love with her. They got married 2 days after she arrived in the US six years ago. Lera takes us back to show the life she left behind in Ukraine; the house where she grew up, now shared by mother and brother. Her parents are doctors which is a government profession in Ukraine, and thus very badly paid. Growing up, there were lots of sacrifices. They would eat bread, cheese and white fish. Lera’s mother never knew of anyone who got married in the way Lera did, and she didn’t think it would end well. We see an internet cafe- where Lera says everyone is secretly online looking for a  husband. Age 17,18 or 19 is considered to be marital age. Lera’s friend got married at 18, she is now on second marriage at 26. She looked for a man who could allow her to stay home with her 8 year old. Lera’s unmarried brother wants his hypothetical wife to stay home, he doesn’t want her to work. Lera can’t wait for Ukraine to catch up  with her ideas.

Lera and Steve are in the studio; they say there marriage is very happy, unexpectedly so. This was a surprise; she was looking for a visa and he was looking for someone to talk to in the lonely post-9/11 weeks in Manhattan. Lera admired the fact that Steve could make things happen and could take her places. There was an element of courtship, Steve legitimately dated her for many months, he came to Kiev. Oprah asks if it would be fair to say that Lera was just using him as a ticket out of Ukraine. Pretty Much, says Lera.

Oprah asks if this is now a traditional marriage? Lera says neither of them are traditional people. Steve is a music producer, with an untraditional life. He has been married before. He says that after 9/11 people had a different take on relationships and life. Oprah says hmm. Lera’s family likes him now, likes that he takes care of her. Lera wanted and liked the ability to live in NYC. Oprah was so impressed by Danish women and their lack of needing someone to take care of them; their strong independence. Lera says that in Ukraine, the bargaining power of women is very very little. By 20, they are considered old, by 25 some doctors tell you not to have children.

Thank God we live in the USA proclaims Oprah, who then goes on to say that it is interesting because it shows that all arrangements can work.

For 95% of Indian couples, first comes marriage then the possibility of love. We know go to Mumbai which has one of the fastest growing global economies. Where old meets new, we meet 31 year old Shalin and 27 year old Sneha. They met over dinner with both of the families, which was very, very awkward. Too many relatives perhaps? He went back to see her a week later and spent the day with her. He was sure there was a spark, so he asked her if he should proceed to ask his parents to ask her parents to go forward with the marriage. 5 months later they shared their first kiss at their wedding ceremony. Shalin says he tells his friends that the first 24 hours of marriage are the most special. This is when you begin figuring out what the other wants and likes, if they like tea or coffee. Shalin smokes, Sneha didn’t know. She slept on the same side of bed that he wanted to sleep in. Arranged marriages aren’t meant to force you together with someone, rather you slowly grow into them.

Oprah says that more than half of the worlds marriages are arranged, like 60%. Shalin and Sneha join us by Skype. He says the marriage is arranged by love. The family finds you someone wth whom you are compatible. The relationship grows into compatability and love. Oprah asks if the idea is that you hope to love one day? Yes, says Sneha,  infatuation is what happens overnight; love takes longer. Oprah asks if they now love each other, after 5 1/2 years. Yes is the answer.

Oprah says that is fascinating to look at how we are all alike and yet different. With so many arranged marriages in the world, there must be something in it. Thanks everyone, the conversation continues straight after the show at the brand new website Oprah.com.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Everyone loves yoghurt, both Danes and Egyptians

Divorce is on the rise because men are no longer men and women are no longer women

The history of marriage is not what we believe it to be

Mail order brides can lead to lasting love

Arranged marriages are very popular and often successful

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

All arrangements can work out, we are all different. Thank God we live in the USA.

Date: January 11th, 2010
File Under: Aha Moment, Family, Live your best life, Relationships, Transformation

Episode 2: A Family Stripped Down: Peter Walsh Moves In

He’s going to strip them down… it’s a bold experiment to take away everything that is tearing their lives apart- TV’s, Blackberries, take out menus, mess. In seven days this major transformation will change them into the family they want to be- this experiment could change the world for them and, by extension,  everyone.

Seven days with no phone, computer, TV microwave. Expert Perter Walsh is coming in.

Steve and Rhonda have been married for five years,they have a five year old son Drake, and Rhonda’s  fifteen year old son Blake from a previous marriage. By 5.30am Blake has sent 23 texts, Mom is at gym, Blake eats a Pop Tart alone. When Mom returns Drake has already watched an hour of TV. By 9am Ronda is alone in the house and is stressed by the mess which drives her crazy, she shuts the door on it. The laundry downstairs is a disaster. When Blake comes home from school he goes straight to the computer- by now he has sent 119 texts. The family sometimes communicate with him by text. Drake needs to be played with. At 6pm dad is home with takeout. They do use the TV, it is the only family time they get. Mom wants quality time. The kids grow up so fast and she doesn’t want them to only have memories of watching TV.

Watching that recap, Ronda is tired. The audience can relate. Blake texts 7000 -9000 texts per month saying stuff about school. But it does bother him that the family aren’t close. It would be better for Drake if they spent some time together. Sometimes the big brother watches the little brother and the couple go out. If they could re-edit the tape of a day in the life of their family, they’d get up together, maybe make breafast for the kids, be without the mess. And at night they would spend time together- nothing special, just together time. There’s only maybe twice a month that they sit down together. It’s so rushed- they eat then check Facebook, then go. Oprah says that’s exactly what is happening to our world.

As a family they are often in the same room but not communicating with each other. They don’t know where they lost their way, but they should be treating each other the best. Inside their idyllic home, the family are disconnected from each other. They need life organisational expert Peter Walsh. Peter says this family needs to be “stripped down”. Peter says this problem is too common, we believe more is better and our lives full of too much stuff are thus disconnected. Must strip down everything that comes between you and your best life.

This is a seven day challenge to get rid of everything which makes you feel disorganised or disconnected. The family need to give 110% to get everything back together. The family are “in”. The challenge begins right now.

5 rules for the family

1. No cell phones, no texting for the next seven days (“For a week” says Oprah)

2. No computers, email, TV, computer games or iPods. Their only entertainment is to be each other

3. Healthy meals prepared together. Sit together eat together

4. Their house is a mess. Clean it up.

5. A little bit of loving- every day they must hug each of  the others and tell them that they love them

The rules are posted on a billboard outside their house. There will be no cheating because of “the vault”. All their stuff is inside the vault- anything which disconnects the family- microwave, energy drinks, iPods, computers. Peter has taken the liberty of removing every door from the closets. Now the family will go home and has until noon the next day to do Challenges 1 & 2.

1- think of an activity to enjoy together tomorrow.

2. Wash fold and put away all the laundry.

At noon tomorrow, Peter will knock on their door and move in with them. He has no idea where he will sleep. Peter says,”Mom, Dad, I’m looking forward to a very fun week”.

This all happened a week ago. Let’s tune in and see how they did. If this family can be transformed in a week, think what it can do for your family. At noon, Peter arrived and went to the now-spotless laundry room. He was impressed and gave them a new rule. From now on, if they go to the laundry room, they have to go upstairs with more than one thing. Drake has many toys but doesn’t get the attention he wants by being included in the family. Blake needs more patience. Now they are going to tackle the three car garage. Peter’s goal is to park all three cars in there by the end of the day. They sort through all their stuff to see if they need, use or want it- otherwise it goes. In 2 hours they have a truckload of donations and a clean garage. they survive Day 2 but no one has any idea that the next day will be full of breakdowns and breakthroughs.

Oprah asks why the garage stuff plays a role in the disconnection. Peter says if your home does not rise up to meet you, you are missing that element. If you fill your time with technology, it does not mean you are better connected. 1,000 emails or  100,000 texts do not mean that you are connected. At first Blake found it hard to give up texting, but after a while he was pleased to not have his phone. It wasn’t all that hard.

It’s usually/ always the third day that takes you out. Oprah likens this to the cycle of dieting. On the first day you are full of energy and resolve but on day three you get a burger and fries. The messy garage was a metaphor for their life. Oprah says it’s all a metaphor for your life- nasty car, messy bedroom. All the messy stuff in your life is your emotions. Peter says you must strip down the stuff, gadgets and mess which are disconnecting your family.

Day 3 (kids backstage) There is a deeper level of disconnection in this family. Dad doesn’t know if he’s doing a good enough job.  He thinks he’s failing a little bit, not putting the time in. What is the future for him and the kids? Steve is terrified. All he does is work, when he comes home he feels his family is moving in all different directions. He feels a little bit unloved. He has a level of resentment that he is working so hard. There is a guilt that Rhonda feels for not working in corporate america. Is she frightened of another divorce? Is Rhonda worried that this is going to fail?

Back in the studio, Oprah wants to say that she’ll never forget a show from 6,7, or 10 years ago when she had a Aha Moment  - a father said that every good father has a dream for his family. Peter helped Rhonda and Steve break down the walls of guilt, resentment and fear. How did Peter know to do this? So many people are disconnected, he’s seen it over and over. Everyone is so busy and if they are busy then they should be doing good things. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! What your kids want is you, to feel that they are a part of you. The kitchen nourishes the family. Without that nourishment around the table where do they get it? Drake rose to the challenge incredibly. In a week he is more patient and gving. By shifting the focus away from self-parenting, and removing the TV, the dynamic is changed. He had a few tantrums in the beginning, but now they are connected as a family. For kids, TV is a passive interaction but they are in control- to remove that is a shock. It is hard for them to learn that they don’t have control; they need parents to be in control.

How could you do this without the help of Peter Walsh? It’s all about communciation and taking the first step. You have got to get beyond the fear. Where will it go? Will you end up divorced? Tonight, everyone should sit down and have a conversation with their partner. Tell them you are nervous but that you love them and want to be with them, and if that changes you will let them know. This is the basis foundation, so that conversations don’t take us to the extreme place. One date night a month is worth a 100 weeks of vacation at the end of the year. Get together regularly- don’t leave it to catch up at the end of the year. This family tried it and it worked out pretty nicely. Oprah says she can see that and gesticulates at the couple’s intertwined  hands.

The family have survived four days. With Peter, they have come up with new rules.

1. No cell phones, texting, or computer use from 6-9pm.

2. No TV before school or during meals

3. Sunday family breakfast, make a weekly meal plan, eat 3 dinners together  a week

4. Weekly clean up and laundry sort on Saturday mornings

5. Stay with the I love you rules. Plus monthly date night and weekly family night

Within 48 hours the family have to take a road trip to Chicago. They have a kit with  activities and a photo cut-out of Peter stuck on a stick. The road trip was awesome, they followed the new rules and had so much fun. Pancake Peter was with them all the way, in their photos.

The point of this was to spend time together and travel with the new rules. They had to negociate activities the whole family could do. They did three activities, one of which was going to a park. Blake feels awesome, he doesn’t need his phone as much. He is now mindful of Peter’s advice to  ”Be where you are”; not texting. Rhonda lost 4lbs without her energy drink. Oprah invites Peter to live in her house.

Peter summarizes that if you spend time together, eat healthy and be active then it will all work out. Thanks to everyone, Peter’s new book, “It’s All Too Much” has just been released on DVD.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

The state of your stuff is a metaphor for your life, be it nasty car or messy bedroom

Our lives need to be “stripped down” of all our stuff so that we can re-connect with each other

You should always “Be where you are”

A clean house is a happy house

Communication begins with a conversation

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

If you spend time together, eat healthy and be active then it will all work out.

Date: January 8th, 2010
File Under: Betrayal, Relationships
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Episode 1: Ultimate Betrayal: How She Discovered Her Dead Husband’s Mistresses

It is with some trepidation that we are about to embark upon this years One Year Project. Originally we had planned to make transcripts of the Oprah Winfrey Show in its entirety, but when we discovered that you could buy transcripts at the Oprah website/ online store, we decided to reconsider. So, starting today, the idea is to blog along with the show- not to pause it or rewind it, but to attempt to catch the essence of the thing as we go along. Unfortunately, I am very much a two finger typist, so initial entries at least may be somewhat condensed. At the end of each show, we’ll do a rough spellcheck and hit upload and bam! Done for the day. Oh, we’ll put out a Twitter summary too, what’s that, 140 characters? Hopefully over the course of the year, typing skills will improve along with our knowledge of the ways of Oprah’s world. Also, we had hoped to do this live, at 4pm each weekday, but the two little children means that we’ll be blogging after their bedtime, courtesy of the DVR.

OK we’re up…

Imagine waking up and finding your life is a lie? What if you are being cheated on? Barbara’s husband Michael was a successful oral surgeon. They used to be so in love- he had a strong silent way, they were soulmates, like “Ken and Barbie” she was living the dream. He was a perfect guy, two kids, a happy suburban life. But, he was a dentist with DEMONS. He had a drug problem, he struggled with addiction and lost his medical license. One day he didn’t come home, Barbara went to look for him and found him being arrested.. with another woman in the car. Barbara didnt want to believe it; her entire idea of love and marriage was shattered. Michael then started a business selling body tissue- making $4 million in 4 years. But Barbara did not know Michael was stealing and selling skin bone and body parts without permission from grieving families. With his team, they dissected over 1000 bodies, some infected with HIV or Hepatitis and cancer. Corpses were stuffed with garbage to hide the missing parts. When Michael was arrested again, Barbara was devastated; she had stood by him. But now she knows her life was a lie, nothing is sacred. The truth makes the good times feel like a lie. Her memories are tainted but she wants to help other women avoid her pain. How could she have been helped? If friends know something, they should tell you. It’s very painful to know that others knew- your betrayal becomes multiplied.

Barabara counsels that you must hold on to your dignity despite your betrayal. Oprah says that checking up on someone means that the trust is already broken- the lies make you become someone you don’t want to be. The charges were placed, and Barbara became a stereotypical TV wife standing next to her husband. She didn’t know of the charges,  but she knew of the affair. After the affair, Michael said this would not happen again, and Barbara believed him. When charged with body part crimes, Barbara was told by husband that he was being made a fall guy. And she believed him.

Barbara takes us to her old house, full of painful memories, full of false security, false happiness, 8000 square feet of easy secure life. She had to sell her home, pay legal fees, pay victims. Karen joins us by Skype from New Jersey; her father was chopped up by Michael. Karen cannot forgive, what happened can not be undone. Her father , family and memories have been stolen. Barabara cannot apologise for her husbands crimes. Barbara has been wronged but not in comparison with the victims families. Michael may have apologised for his actions in court, Barbara is not sure- but she knows he is only sorry when he’s caught; for everything. Karen discovered the crime because a detective called her, asking for her brother Vincent. She said she had no brother but her Dad had been living with her. He informed her that there was a ficititious brother with a forged death certificate. Her father was a Korean war vet who didn’t want an autopsy. He was supposed to be a direct cremation. The body was picked up, and Karen talked to the harvester and found out what was done. It was a nightmare.

Oprah says that sorry sounds so hollow, that this is a heinous nightmare. Karen pleads for legislation to stop this happening again, and then she’ll have closure.

Michael was guilty of body stealing, forgery, larceny and grand corruption. At this point Barbara knew he was guilty. She asked Michael why, and he said he did it for greed, for the money. Then Barbara knew she had to get away from him. Her sons are doing ok, going forward in their lives. She has told them they can see Daddy if they want to- so far they don’t want to see him or write to him. He’s been away 2 years and the eldest went to see him to ask why. Four simple words “I made a mistake”. Barbara was furious; Michael wouldn’t elaborate.

Oprah’s favorite lessons is from Maya Angelou; Believe people the first time when they tell you who they are. A liar lies, a cheater cheats. There are red flags. With Michael he bought trendy shoes and started to go out at night. But as a surgeon always on call it was hard to see the signs. If B confronted him, he would always deny it. Barbara should have followed her instinct.

Thank you Barbara, her story airs on Wednesday night. Coming up, more betrayal, other people.

If you ever suspect a secret life is being led, remember Julie. She was together for 16 years with the kind of guy who lights the room up. Looking back at photos, Julie remembers a wonderful wedding day. They had a daughter and he was an affectionate and loving father. One day she heard a thud and downstairs he’d fallen over. Julie thought he’d be ok but the EMS guys couldn’t fix him. He died and Julie fell to the floor screaming in shock. Suddenly without his big personality to fill the house, its seemed so big and empty.

About six months later, looking for his address book, her friends found emails from women he was having  affairs with. Julie called them up. The second one, a mom like Julie was forthcoming, she even looked like Julie. The third woman was in Argentina . The fourth was from the gym. He had a way of charming the women. One of the affairs was the mother of Julie’s daughters friend- they had playdates and sleepovers, she was always in Julie’s house. In fact, the day Julie found out about the affairs, she had to pick up her  daughter at this womans house. There were five affairs going on, some of which were  overlapping. The daughters mothers friends relationship had been going on for two years.

What were the signs she didnt see? Julie had so much invested in her perfect life, in her pretty house in a  small town, she didn’t want to look at the signs. I f she’d looked for signs, she would have heard the conversations about other women and using the kids as  cover. Oprah says women often can’t help  mentioning the names of the person they are  in love with. The husband did  tell Julie about the women he’d met, and how she would like them. Julie was afraid that talking about the women would unravel her life. She chronicles her life in her New York Times bestseller, Perfection. We all want Perfection- perfect lives, bodies, kids- and it causes shame that we are not perfect. Julie wanted to explore what else perfection could mean. Julie met her husband when she was young, and thought that he was the man to grow old with- that was how she saw her life. She didn t imagine she’d be a young widow and have to deal with all this. Oprah says we often don’t want to rock the boat and ruin the picture we have.

When Julie decided to look again for someone, she wanted to find someone who shares her values. She met a lovely man who is more like her and they want the same things. It makes her cry because she is so happy and lucky to find happiness, lovely. Millions of women are watching right now, what would  Julie say to them? Julie found out that she’s much tougher than she guessed, she could look after herself and her daughter and trust again. She has a satisfying life. Her book is called Perfection.

The next guest, Karen, had a very opulent lifestyle- $100,000 a  month was easily spent on credit cards. She had  a Wall Street husband . She didn’t ask questions. They had the ultimate dream, with three condos overlooking Central Park, 2 kids, and lovely cars. If they couldn’t find it in NY they went to Milan. She was seduced by the lifestyle but had a rocky marriage. There were obviously other women, there were long absences, signs. She overlooked the affairs to keep her lifestyle. At 36, pregnant with her third, her husband came home and told her he was going to prison. He had been conning investors for millions of dollars. Karen found him tying a noose- he’d  been indicted by the FBI, and was due to go to prison next day. The hanging was a pretend attempt to solicit her sympathy. She gave him a cold shower and drove him to prison. He was patted down, climbed into a vehicle and Karen watched the back of his head get smaller. In her car, crying, the guard asked her to move the car. That was a wake up call- there would be no sympathy for her in her gold BMW. The nightmare began, the properties were to be taken. Does she play a role in this, having been seduced by intoxicating seductive money? She did not play a part in the crime, but in retrospect she had some culpability by wanting and expecting this lifestyle, by giving up her independence. The other guests had different situations but similar.

Even if you have the loveliest of surroundings, do not surrender your sense of self and independence. Working validates you and not working makes you be not validated. Don’t give up on you, whatever you do. Karen allowed her husband back to the family home when he got out of prison. When he went to prison she was so angry, with lots of screaming, and eventually she had to let the anger go. Eventually, over time, she looked at her marriage more sympathetically as she considered how to support her kids. She started to read his apologetic letters, she felt sorry for him and she let him sleep on the coach in the famiy home. It was a facade; he wasn’t sorry and his family was not his first responsibility. Karen needs the Maya Angelou thing. There’s never just one secret. One betrayal means there’s almost always others. When in prison, it is very easy to write some letters and say sorry and you saw Jesus and everything. Karen knows this now but she wanted to believe it. It was hardest for her to let go of the idea of her marriage, she didn’t want to let go of her dream of fairytale love and romance. Oprah attests to the difficulty of letting go of the hope and dream of what you always wanted. When Karen let the dream go, she had clarity. The fog of affluence and the fog of sleep-deprivation lifted. She had lost herself in the marriage. Rich friends  leave you like that. They’re tight and dont want to see what happened to Karen as it might be happening to them.

Thanks everyone.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

  • Hold onto your dignity, despite your betrayal
  • Believe people the first time they tell you who they are; a liar lies, a cheater cheats
  • If you see red flags, follow your instincts
  • Even if you have the loveliest of surroundings, don’t surrender your sense of self and your independence
  • Don’t expect sympathy if you are sitting in a gold BMW

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

A liar lies, a cheater cheats, watch out for red flags and trendy shoes. Don’t give up on you whatever you do.

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