Every time a new episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show airs in 2010, we will blog along with it. If you have plenty of time, read the long version. If you are pressed for time, read the “What we learned today” summary. If you are really, really pressed for time, read the Twitter-sized summary.

Archive for category Tragedy

Date: May 13th, 2010
File Under: Public Service Announcement, Relationships, Tragedy
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Episode 70: A Tumor Covered Half Her Face And the Brothers Who Nearly Starved

It was a headline that made us sick- 4 young boys starved by their parents. No one knew what was going on until a 911 call from a neighbor. He reported that a young boy who looked about ten was eating from a trash can at 3am. The boy said he was 19. The police investigated the New Jersey home and found 4 young boys with emaciated bodies starving to death. Bruce, 19, weighed 45 pounds. Treshawn, 14, weighed 40 pounds. Terrell, 10, weighed 28 pounds and 9 year old Michael was found wearing baby clothes and weighed 23 pounds. All four boys had been adopted years earlier by Raymond and Vanessa Jackson. Friends described them as a loving couple and kind parents. Vanessa and Raymond claimed the boys had eating disorders- the boys said that they were given only raw oatmeal and pancake batter to eat. The police found a lock on the refrigerator and an alarm on the kitchen door. Bite marks around the house backed up one of the boys claims that he was so hungry he chewed on the windowsills and wall plaster. The boys were filthy and had lice and rotten teeth when they were found. The county prosecutor said that this was the most horrific case of child abuse and neglect that they had seen over the years. Vanessa and Raymond were charged with 28 counts of aggravated assault and child endangerment. Raymond died of a stroke during the investigation. Almost two years after he was seen eating out of the trash, Bruce faced Vanessa in court- he had grown nearly a foot and gained nearly 100 pounds.  He testified that they were yelled at, cussed at and hit with brooms and rulers and sticks and shoes. She pled guilty to one charge of child endangerment in exchange for a reduced sentence. She served 4 years of a 7 year prison term and was released in February of this year. She continues to deny that she ever starved or hurt the boys.

Oprah says that they talked to Vanessa’s daughter who said that her mother had no interest in talking to Oprah. Oprah says that any time anywhere she will meet with Vanessa so that she can explain this to Oprah. TreShawn weighed 40 pounds at age 14- he was about the weight of a five year old, a typical 14 year old weighs 115 pounds. Terrell weighed 28 pounds at age 10- the average weight of a 2 year old. Michael was 23 pounds at age 9- the average weight of an 18 month old toddler. That was 7 years ago, those boys have been through a living hell and are here with their story, says Oprah. They come out and Oprah hugs them. She says that they are looking good. Bruce is not here but he is the hero of this story- had he not gone out at night looking for food they might still be locked in the house. They said that it was a house of horror. They never knew how much they would eat or when they would eat. Sometimes Vanessa said they had one minute to eat so they would always stuff food in their mouth. They went to her as babies, the youngest was one, and they were fed for two years then they were adopted and everything changed. They went to church and stuffed their clothes or had to wear three or four sweaters so they looked healthy. TreShawn tried to tell his teacher who didn’t believe him, he’d ask for food. The teacher didn’t believe him but Vanessa found out he was talking and they were home-schooled and locked in the house.

Today, the three boys live in rural New Jersey with their adopted parents James and Amber Parish and their 8 year old biological son, CJ. There is an abundance of love. The boys described their childhood with one word, hell. Terrell says that they would get a bowl of water and some soggy bread. Some times they would be fed nothing at all. One of them crept in to the kitchen and found bagels and cake- Vanessa grabbed the closest thing to her and started beating him. If they were caught stealing food they had to sit on the stairs for hours at a time. Of the ten years that he was there, TreShawn says that he spent seven years sitting on the stairs in a total lockdown. He said they would just wait for bedtime so that they could sleep and didn’t have to think anymore.

James says that when they came there was a lot of anger and hate, TreShawn thought that he was put in that home to die. Amber says that she doesn’t know how a mother could not give her kids food and love. No one has been through what those guys have been through, it is a blessing that they have survived.

The boys say that their lives will always be tainted by their experience. They will never take love or family for granted. Life now is a dream come true, they have freedom from starvation.

Oprah says that they were starved of so much more than food. Terrell says that he lost his childhood, being able to go to school and play with friends. He lost all of that. Oprah asks how they feel about Vanessa’s sentence. Terrell says that they messed up the years, and that she should have served the years that they suffered, times each kid. The audience applaud. TreShawn says that Bruce is their hero. Oprah tells them that his attorney says that Bruce loves and misses his brothers very much. He is safe and in the constant care of professionals. The boys nod.

Oprah asks if people checked on them? People came but the boys would be pushed upstairs into the attic. Oprah asks if they ever talked to someone- they weren’t allowed to talk. Social Services went to the Jackson house 38 times and they were about to bring another child into this home. Shocking, shocking, shocking says Oprah. Oprah asks what they would say to Vanessa if she were listening- TreShawn says that her true judgement will come when she comes before God. Terrell says that God is watching and knows what she did and she needs to live the rest of her life knowing that she hurt them. Michael says that he would like to thank her for showing him that he could survive and accomplish things and that kids know what they are saying, and that what they say can be true.

The boys were adopted by James and Amber, their angels. The first time Amber saw them she thought they were little boys, she couldn’t believe their ages. When Michael asked if she would be her mom, she melted like butter. She says that after all the kids have been through they chose her, they are her babies. James says that they know that Dad and Mom love them, no matter what happens. Oprah calls them heroes- they come in with their youngest son CJ. Oprah hugs them and says God Bless You. James was working for the welfare system and was given this case. James and Oprah both stop and cry. The boys needed a mentor, a positive role model and that was James. He worked with them to try and bring them back. The boys were placed in James’ grandmothers home who does emergency placement foster care. He started as a mentor and after they have been in the system for a time they need to see if they were adoptable. Oprah says that teenagers plus boys plus African American means a triple whammy. That there probably wasn’t alot of takers out there for the boys, she says. At the time the parents had CJ, then one day CJ wakes up and has three brothers. CJ says that they could play together and bike ride together and play X-Box so it was all cool. Oprah asks how this could happen. James says that protocol dictated that in the past social workers could only look at the child in question during a visit. Now it has been changed because all the kids in the house need to be checked on. He says that once kids are adopted the check ups stop. Oprah asks Amber how the boys would eat. She says in the beginning they would eat lightly, they looked scared of food and would often throw up. Now she can’t stop them eating. The boys say that they finally understand that the food is not going anywhere. Initially they were timid but would overeat until they vomited, says James. Oprah says that initially they were angry towards women. TreShawn says that he kept seeing Vanessa’s face everywhere he went- he would lash out at any woman he spoke to. They have had a lot of therapy and have dealt with the flashbacks. For CJ he was only 3 when the brothers came so it was fun for him. The rest of the family have embraced the boys and love them.

Oprah asks what Amber and James would say to Vanessa Jackson. Oprah says that it is hard for anyone to imagine that she would adopt these children yet sit in church every a Sunday with a lock on the refrigerator at home. Amber says that Vanessa was not a mother, she was the monster in the closet and she owes her boys an apology. She wants to hear that and she wants to be there. Terrell says that unless Vanessa means it, sorry means nothing. James says that she only got a slap on the wrists. Oprah says that the laws indicate how we really feel about our children- it is unspeakable that Vanessa is out. TreShawn says that an apology doesn’t help, his heart is cut really deep- he wanted to become her son and after he said yes she started to abuse them. Oprah asks if they feel that they have a new chance at life. TreShawn says that his father teaches him everything- to talk well, to keep trying at school, to give 100% at sports so that people see he is trying to be his best and they don’t take pity on him. The crowd applaud.

All four brothers were awarded a large sum of money in a lawsuit against the State of New Jersey and they received full scholarships to go to college. Oprah says that it has been wonderful to have them all here today and she thanks them for coming on the show.

Until recently going out in public was pure torture for 29 year old Ana Rodarte, she was laughed at, pointed at and children even cried in fear. She has turned down numerous TV requests to tell her story- she wanted to be here today because she trusts the Oprah Show to help tell her story. Ana has neurofibromatosis (NF), sometimes called Elephant-Man disease. You may have seen the play and the movie but the term is highly offensive to those who live with NF, says Oprah. Its a disfiguring, incurable disease which has literally destroyed Ana’s face. As you listen to the story, says Oprah, think about how we all judge each other on appearance.

Ana says that her parents noticed a bee-sting like lump when she was a few months old which grew bigger and bigger. She just wanted to be normal, but other kids didn’t want to play with her. She wanted to know why God was so mean, and her parents told her it was just the way he wanted her to be. Throughout her childhood she had many surgeries. After each one the tumor would grow back. It broke Ana’s heart and eventually she lost faith in the doctors. At age 14 she didn’t want to go to school as the tumor was growing at such a rapid pace. After high school, her friends all moved away and she felt very alone and depressed and she secluded herself for 2 or 3 years. She tried to find a job but felt she was discriminated against based on how she looked. She would leave the house maybe once a month. There were times when little kids would see her and start crying. It’s very hard emotionally to lead this life- growing up she built up a wall around herself. By the time she was 22 the tumor had grown so much that it covered up her left eye. Ana would struggle with reading and eating. She suffered many headaches and chewing on the left side would result in her biting the tumor.

She was 24 when she met Dr Batra, she felt that he was talking to her more as a friend than a doctor, and then she knew he wanted to go ahead and hope that he would be different from other doctors.

Oprah says that obviously it is difficult for Ana, so please welcome her. Ana comes out and Oprah hugs her and says welcome, welcome, welcome. Ana was born in Mexico and her parents came to the US for better medical care. They didn’t know what to do in Mexico. Oprah says that on the tape Ana said that she thought as a child that God was mean, and asks her how it is now. Ana says that the experience serves another purpose and that it is not hard for her now. Oprah asks what the tears are for- Ana says that they are for the video, sharing her own emotions. Oprah asks what it would feel like when kids would cry or scream when they saw her. It was heartbreaking. Her family would force her out in public, which she appreciates now. Oprah asks if her disease prevents her from dating and wanting children. Ana does not want children as she does not want to pass on the disease, but she does date. Oprah asks why the term Elephant-Man Disease is offensive. Ana says that the disease has a name and she doesn’t see why people have to call it Elephant-Man Disease.

Four years ago Ana began a series of risky surgeries to remove the tumor from her face. She says that she feels more confident now when she looks in the mirror, she resembles more of a normal person, she is friendlier with people and she doesn’t block them out any more. Oprah asks if Ana can live a normal life. Ana says she could if people would stop judging her on appearance. She wants to tell people that there is help, that people shouldn’t shelter themselves from society. After several doctors said that the tumor was hopeless, Dr Munish Batra offered hope to Ana. The surgeries were paid for by his charity, DOCS- Doctors Offering Charitable Services. Oprah invites the doctor up to the stage.

Oprah shakes his hand. He says that he saw Ana in the office and was amazed that she hadn’t had help before this time. NF is genetic and passed from parent to child- there is a 50% transmission rate that it will be passed on. He was not surprised that Ana had shut herself down- such a big part of our identity is our face. Oprah thanks him for being who he is and doing what he does through DOCS, and thanks Ana for being here.

A viewer, Donna, said in an email that as a stay at home mom she only got a chance to text and talk in the car. After watching the No Phone Zone show, she took the No Phone Zone Pledge and the very next day she could have been in an accident, if she had been not paying attention. Oprah thanks Donna and says that the episode is online so families should watch it and then take the pledge.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Oprah says that the laws of a country indicate how we really feel about our children.

A “loving couple and kind parents” starved their children of so much more than food.

Our face is a major part of our identity.

Having a tumor cover your face makes it hard to connect with people, especially when children cry or scream when they look at you.

Ana has a tumor removed from her face and says she could live a normal life if people would stop judging her on appearance.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

It is inconceivable that a couple would adopt children only to starve and beat them. It is utterly inconceivable that this would merit only a 4 year stint in prison.


Episode 55: Stay Alive

Oprah would like us to listen to a tape recording of a 38 year old woman stuffed in a garbage can with duct tape around her wrist, ankles and face. The operator asks what she needs and the woman reports she is in the back of a green Dodge 4×4 and her husband is trying to kill her- she’s in the back of the car and doesn’t know where she is going. The operator asks if she is handcuffed and she says that she is bound by masking tape.

That was the frantic voice of Teri, a mother of two who should be dead but survived, says Oprah. Oprah is so tired of seeing headline after headline of women hurt or killed at the hands of their abusive partners. Based on the statistics, Oprah assumes everyone is with, or knows someone who is with, a man who is capable of becoming violent. That is why she is really happy to have Gavin De Becker back who has advised everyone from the CIA to World Leaders on how to be more safe. His book, which he wrote 10 years ago “The Gift of Fear”, is a gift that Oprah thinks everyone should give their daughter. Gavin says when a man kills his spouse or girlfriend, it is often predictable and  preventable. He has developed MOSAIC, a new tool that will save lives. Oprah welcomes him back. This is his passion in life, if he was to be killed by a bus tomorrow, this is the thing which he would be most proud of, he says. It is artificial intuition, basically. It takes the factors of a situation and breaks them down, and sees the pieces of the puzzle and puts them back together so a woman can see the full picture for the first time. Say a woman is interviewed by the police and she says, yes he hits me but only after he has been drinking, or yes he is sexually abusive but only after a hard day at work, with MOSAIC there is no way to back away from the issues, they are addressed one by one. The early versions were used to assess threats for justices or the CIA, and all of a sudden it hit Gavin that these people were not getting attacked very often and he thought that the strategy should be made available to women, as one is killed by a partner every 4 hours. Oprah says that the stories we see on the news again and again scare women; being abducted or attacked by a stranger, but most are killed by someone that they know. Particularly women, says Gavin. If you look at the 3100 women who are killed each year in the US, the majority are killed by a husband or boyfriend. You can use the MOSAIC questionnaire for yourself or on behalf of someone else, it is totally anonymous. The link is on Oprah.com, it is a series of 48 questions which help assess how much of a threat an abuser poses to a family.

What is so interesting to Oprah after many interviews with domestic abuse victims, is that women always says that he doesn’t hit, but he does push- there is something that makes women think it is ok as long as there is no actual hitting. Gavin says that this is just one of the indicators- others include symbolic violence (tearing up wedding pictures or gowns), another is the pace of the relationship- when it is accelerated in the beginning that is a control strategy, another is persistence. We often confuse perseverance and persistence. Perseverance is good, but persistence does not mean that you are special, but that he is controlling. Oprah never forgot The Gift of Fear (which is now on Kindle and all women should read), if you say no to anyone in any situation and the other person persists, then you should ask why are they trying to control me. Gavin says that anyone who persists after no, be it salesperson or 2 year old, they are trying to control you. Gavin says that when a man says no it is the end of the discussion, when a woman says no it is the beginning of a negotiation. A man learns that if you buckle at the beginning of a relationship, it can cycle on- he learns that your no does not mean no, it means start the negotiation. Oprah says wow, how fantastic to have that information.

Terri, the caller in the 911 call earlier, is what Gavin calls a textbook example of how an abusive relationship can escalate to homicide. First, see what happened when Teri took Gavin’s MOSAIC test the other day.  Teri answers the questions revealing the situation prior to her being beaten with a baseball bat and shoved into a garbage can and left for dead. She had a restraining order and a divorce… MOSAIC expresses results on a scale out of 10- Teri’s situation was ranked at a 9. Had he abused alcohol, a serious factor, it would have been a 10, says Gavin. Oprah asks Gavin if he agrees that Teri sitting here is a miracle. He says it is. He says it is chilling and macabre but the reality is they study thousands of women who are killed; he has never interviewed someone who basically was killed- only by medical intervention and great policework is she alive. Oprah welcomes Teri and says that she knows that the story will save many people. They will probe into Teri’s story so that the audience can apply that information into their life.

Teri, a mother of three, came dangerously close to becoming a statistic. When she met David, she thought he was the perfect mate for her, “Good job, churchgoing, fun-loving, wanted kids,” she says. “What else could I ask for?” After three months of dating, Teri says David started talking about marriage. “I wasn’t really ready for that. It was too soon. But he persisted and persisted, so of course I said yes.”

Teri had doubts before the wedding. Her parents and friends saw the warning signs, and she did too but she didn’t want to acknowledge them.

On her wedding day, Teri says her dad asked her to reconsider. “He turned to me and said, ‘We can turn around and walk out the door,’” she says. “I thought to myself, ‘It’ll be fine.’ She thought once they were married, everything would work out well.

Teri and David’s Hawaiian honeymoon should have been paradise.. “Probably about the second day we got into a dumb little argument about what to wear on a hike. He said: ‘I’m your husband. You listen to me. You do what I say,’” she says. “Because I said no to him, I got a couple blows to my head with the palm of his hand.”  Teri says she tried to write the incident off as a fluke. “Maybe that’s all the stress that was built up from getting married,” she says. She thought maybe she could make it all better.

Oprah says that nothing that she says here today is meant to be in judgement of Teri, Teri nods. Oprah knows that Teri is here to help people.  Before the wedding, Teri thought: ‘I don’t know if I want to do this. I’ve seen his temper. My parents told me they didn’t like him. He wasn’t very respectful to my parents or to his own parents. And I saw this. But being the type of person I am, I thought ‘Well, I’ll marry him and I’ll fix it. I’ll make him happy. He’ll be a better person when he’s married to me.’ I fooled myself.” Oprah asks Gavin to walk us through the red flags. First Gavin says that “being the type of person I am” is now the type of person that Teri was. Now she has the courage to do what she is doing. Intuition is there, showing the warning signs. Teri knew that things were not right.  It is not typical for a father to say that they can leave just before the wedding. Gavin says there’s a big difference between cold feet and running for your life. “If you say: ‘I don’t know if I’m ready. I don’t know if I want to be in a marriage,’ that’s a different animal from: ‘I have fear. I have fear of this person,’” he says. There’s no role for fear in marriage. Fear is the real indicator there. The other thing is the profoundly accelerated pace. You don’t have to do it if it is too fast.

Oprah asks Teri what questions stood out for her when she took the MOSAIC test. The huge standout for her was, Does he take responsibility for his actions. He never did, with her, his job, with anything in his life he always blamed others. Oprah says that she never gets the moment that you are hit it is humiliating and degrading- what did Teri tell herself to overcome that? Teri says “The first thought that came into my mind was, ‘I’m leaving,’ But he had the flight tickets. He had the credit card. He had everything. I felt sort of stuck.”  “But then I started thinking, logically, ‘Well, my parents don’t want to come down to Hawaii and get me.’” Then she thought maybe she’ll listen t him and do what he wants next time to make him happy and then it won’t happen.

Oprah asks if her danger signs went off. The first thing she did was to pick up the phone to call the police but she didn’t know if 911 worked in Hawaii. Gavin says all her original instincts were correct. “So it comes up into your mind, which is a total gift, these ideas, these plans, and then we start to debate and prosecute our own ideas and go through this process that lets us stay in situations we don’t want to be in.”

Oprah says that Teri was divorced, is it true that most spousal murders happen after the spouse leaves? Absolutely, Gavin says, most spousal murders happen after the woman leaves. “About 77 percent of the time,” he says. “That’s why you need help because separation, estrangement, that’s the time that the homicides happen.” Oprah asks if the situation escalated after the divorce? Teri says yes, it continued to escalate. “We had police intervention many times. We shared custody of our two daughters, so there was always that back and forth. We always had to see one another,” she says. “The name-calling, the hitting—it just continued to get worse and worse. The thumbing the nose at the court orders. Anything he could possibly do to stay in control and to say, ‘I am in charge.’”

Oprah asks Gavin to address what people should do when they have to communicate- when there has to be contact because of the children. Gavin says that it has to be addressed and it does not lend itself well to a magazine article or TV show. The biggest message Gavin can share is you cannot do this entirely alone. The good news is you don’t have to, there are resources such as thehotline.org and women shelters in the community. Often it is the last place women want to to go to, but it is like an emergency room- you go when you have to. A battered women’s shelter knows what to do about the kids and the bank account and the emergency plan. They can help. One of the things we often hear is “I was hit” and people ask if it is a clue. It is not a clue, it is the conclusion, it is the end of the mystery. Being hit says that it is over and done. Being hit does not work in relationships and it does not usually get better. It is a rare circumstance that it happens once only and the relationship improves, says Gavin.

Oprah says that we often mistake control for being really loved- Gavin says abusers are typically controlling and exercising complete control means giving the other person a lot of attention. “We’re brought up to think attention equals love,” he says. “Control doesn’t equal love.”

Gavin De Becker has used his thirty plus years in the security business to help women find out if they are at risk of being murdered by an abuser. One Saturday, January 31, 2004, five years after her divorce, Teri drove to her ex-husband David’s Wisconsin house to pick up the girls. When she arrived, David told Teri the girls were playing hide-and-seek and invited Teri inside, which seemed odd. Oprah says that the funny feeling Teri had about that is like a little whisper to says that is strange or odd. This is what can happen when you ignore it.

“My gut was saying, ‘Why is he letting me come in his house?’” Teri says. “Right away I knew, this is kind of weird. He hasn’t allowed me in his house since the day I left. But I was cold. My car was running out of gas,” she says. “Most of all, my kids were hiding. They wanted me to come find them, and I didn’t want to disappoint them.” She overlooked, and talked herself out of, that feeling. “I walked into the foyer, and I remember saying, ‘Gee, I wonder where they are?’” she says. “And, bam, a blow to the back of the head.” Teri says David continuously struck her with a baseball bat, numerous times. “He said: ‘You always said I abused you. Now you can see what abuse really is.” When he was trying to strangle Teri. “He was saying: ‘Go to sleep. Just go to sleep. Just stop breathing,’” she says. “He was mad again that he was ordering me to stop breathing and I wasn’t.”

Teri says David then duct-taped her wrists and ankles and her entire face. “He then had this big garbage can. I could feel he was putting me in it,” she says. “I’m bleeding everywhere. I’m in this garbage bin, and he’s filling it up with snow. What started going through my head was, ‘I’m going to die today.’”

Oprah asks what happened next. Teri says she didn’t die. “He put me on the back of his truck and actually he went back in the house and I knew it had to be to get the kids,” she says. “Knowing that they were 4 and 6, it would take a few minutes.” Remembering she had her cell phone in her pocket, Teri managed to dial 911. She tells people to practice dialing 911 with their eyes closed. “It took just a few minutes and I heard sirens. But by that time, he came back to the truck, started it up and we were on our way,” she says. The police were looking at his home for something and didn’t know that we were on the road. “I heard the sirens pass me right up.” Teri didn’t know but when she was in the back of the truck, David went to Milwaukee and dumped her car. He went through a drive through and had the girls in the cab at the front. “At one point I thought, ‘I’m going to stick my hand out, because the lid wasn’t on the garbage can, and somebody is going to see a hand hanging out and call the police,” she says. “His truck stopped after that. He came back. I was either hit in the head with a baseball bat or kicked.” At that point her phone rang, she doesn’t know who called and none of her friends will admit to it. “He took the phone. He got back in the cab, drove around. I was blacking in and out. I had no idea how long it was.”

As she learned later, David had driven across state lines to Illinois and stopped at a storage locker. She was lifted up inside the garbage can and dragged into the locker. He left her inside an unheated storage locker in January. “All I remember is boxes and all these things being slid against the floor,” she says. “I had no idea where I was.” Teri says intuition told her to play dead. Then, Teri says David stacked anything he could on top of and around the garbage can. “There was no way I was getting out of there,” she says. She heard the door closed and figured that he had left. Teri was trapped for more than 20 hours in the freezing cold. Doctors estimate Teri only had an hour left to live when she was discovered—her body temperature dropped to 84 degrees.

Det. Chris Schooling was one of the police officers on the case and he is in the audience. Oprah asks how they found Teri. He says there was an amber alert put out. Authorities were tipped off by Teri’s first call, which they interpreted as a woman who had difficulty breathing. The deputies made forced entry into the home and they saw signs of struggle and some blood. Interviews with neighbors escalated suspicion as one reported seeing Teri’s car hitched to David’s truck. An Amber Alert was issued. David was arrested at work right after leaving Teri in the storage locker. Teri eventually lost all of her toes to frostbite. Oprah asks what happened after he was picked up. “He’s picked up, and he’s real matter of fact,” Det. Schmaling says. David was very articulate, they told him that ‘There’s an Amber Alert. Where’s your wife? Where’s your kids?’ and he said, ‘I just dropped my children off at Elmwood Park, Illinois, to a girlfriend’s house’ and hasn’t seen Teri since the Wednesday prior.”

Oprah asks Gavin how women can stay safe if they still have to see their exes because of the children. Gavin says that it is the toughest question. Gavin says all abuse cases are tough, but it’s even more difficult to leave when there are children involved. Seek help, Gavin says. Women looking to leave a violent situation with their children can turn to TheHotline.org, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) or contact a local battered women’s shelter. “There is no other way to develop all that you’d have to do,” he says. “It’s like going into the witness protection program. There are so many parts to an escape plan.”

Oprah says that the most important thing to say to women in this situation is that you have to have a plan, and the shelters and hotlines will help you to get a plan. Gavin says that a relationship that is difficult to be in, will also be difficult to exit.  That leverage is often used to keep women in by the men. Most often, women are told that they will be killed if they leave. It takes courage and you can not do it alone.

Oprah says that what most people didn’t realise is that the option is you will be killed if you leave or you will die a little every day that you stay. Gavin says that he interviewed a woman who said that she feared she might be killed. Gavin said that he asked what advice the woman would give her teenage daughter, and she said she would tell her daughter to leave. The woman didn’t know what the difference between her and her daughter was- Gavin told her that the teenager has the mother and the mother does not have herself. She had lost herself so much.

Oprah asks Det. Schooling how they found David. After six hours of interrogation, which was basically begging and pleading on the part of the police, David wouldn’t tell them. David asked for a break at 3.30am—and detectives went through his wallet, which was packed with business cards. “He goes back to his cell, wraps himself in a warm blanket and falls fast asleep. Unbeknownst to us, she’s lying there dying,” he says. “So we go back, we take a look at this wallet, we find a business card. That business card is to a storage facility in Wheeling, Illinois.” They were suspicious that a Racine County, Wisconsin man had a storage locker in Illinois. Wow that is good detective work says Oprah. The crowd applaud. Det. Schmaling and his partner, Det. Keith Dobesh, called the number on the card. “The storage facility said he had been there the prior day,” Keith says. “They had gone out to the unit, and they had actually heard her voice inside the unit pleading for help.” Wow, says Oprah. They told the facility to hang up and call 911 and that is when they found her.

Wow, says Oprah. She asks Gavin what we learn from this. As always the message is to listen to your intuition. “We learned that being out of a relationship, particularly if there’s custody and children, you’re not really out of it. You’re just out of it on paper,” he says. “Getting truly out of it takes a lot of work and a lot of effort, and you can’t do it alone.” Oprah asks if you are ever truly out of it when someone is violent. In cases where men don’t let go and persist, there are cases where women relocate to different states. It is like the Witness Protection Program. There are so many extreme answers, and we look for the simple answers. Questions are complicated, not simple, especially when you have kids. “The best thing is identifying these warning signs before you get into relationships and before you get kids, when it’s possible,” he says. Oprah says that she never forgot from Gavin’s book, that we are the only animals who will have that feeling of intuition and walk into the fear. Any other animal without reason or thinking will leave. Gavin says that an antelope does not go and check if a lion is in the bush, if he feels it is the case. That is where it is about instinct says Oprah. It is about intuition and respecting your opinion and recognizing that your opinion is as valid as his opinion, says Gavin. Which is not how it culturally works.

Oprah asks Gavin what Teri could have done to prevent this form happening. Gavin says that earlier in the relationship, it would have be eneasier to end it. “At those times, the men are usually less invested emotionally. It’s much easier to end a relationship early than it is to end it later on because of that emotional investment.” Gavin says, “I often say the first time a woman is beaten, she is a victim. And the second time, she is a volunteer,” he says. “That’s a very controversial thing for some people because they think I’m blaming the victim. But what I’m actually doing is saying, ‘If you don’t recognize that staying in that relationship is a choice, you’ll never recognize that leaving the relationship is a choice.’” Staying in a relationship for a long time is the number one thing that people can do differently.  A lot of people believe that they can’t leave. The history  of marriage is about property, the woman is the man’s property. Gavin had a case recently where a 24 year old man was having sex with a 17 year old girl. He is going to do 28 years in prison because of that, if she had been 18 there would be no crime, because at 18 you don’t belong to your father anymore- you are your own property. Gavin is not saying that marriage is bad, he likes marriage but he does not own his wife, he does not own his kids. The culture says that she doesn’t have the freedom when she is married, she is led to believe. There was a part of Teri that believed David when he said she was married now to him and that he was in charge. It’s like you are bought and paid for, says Teri. Wow, says Oprah.

David is now serving a life sentence for kidnapping and attempted murder. (The crowd applaud) Though he’s behind bars, Teri says she still fears him. “He’s an angry, bitter person that will never ever change,” she says. He is not trying to be a better person. Teri says he never showed any remorse in court. “The judge even said to him, ‘Would you like to say anything?’ And he said, ‘Not at this time.’ And the judge said, ‘This is your time,’” she says. “He didn’t even have the decency to get up and say, ‘I don’t care about Teri, but I’m sorry what I did to my kids.’” Nothing. Thank you Teri, your story is going to save some people today, says Oprah. Oprah is glad that Teri is alive to tell her story.Oprah says so many women stay because they say that he is doing this to me but he cares about the kids, what does Gavin have to say about that? Gavin says that a relationship that is violent is not good for anyone. As a young girl sees her mother receive those blows, so is she likely to in the future. As a young boy sees the father deliver those blows, so is he likely to. That is what you are teaching your kids. Kids don’t do what you say, they do what you do, says Oprah. Thank you Teri and Mr De Becker, says Oprah. Gavin’s cutting edge MOSAIC assessment is available to everybody watching today for free, it may save a life. Go get this book, the Gif of Fear, it is a must read. Everybody in the audience gets a copy (they cheer). Oprah also says that she sounds like a nag but make your car a no-phone zone. Bye everybody.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

If you say no to anyone in any situation and the other person persists, then you should ask why is that person trying to control you.

When a man says no it is the end of the discussion, when a woman says no it is the beginning of a negotiation.

There’s no role for fear in marriage.

Your instincts are a gift, follow them.

A relationship that is difficult to be in, will also be difficult to exit.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

We are the only animals who will ignore our intuition and walk into the fear: every 4 hours a woman in the US is killed by her partner.


Date: April 21st, 2010
File Under: Betrayal, Public Service Announcement, Tragedy
2 comments

Episode 52: The Most Dangerous Child Sex Offenders in America

Right here in America there is an island where hundreds of the nations most violent sex offenders are being held and treated. Cameras are almost never allowed inside this controversial facility, but our own Lisa Ling was granted rare access. Here is why you need to watch- what we learn from these predators could and perhaps will save your children. It is Part 3 in our in-depth series of child sexual abuse and already the response has been everything we hoped for and more. Young victims are coming forward and in some cases the abuse has actually been stopped. Here’s a look back at parts 1 and 2, says Oprah.

They air extracts from February’s episode where child sexual offenders confessed their crimes. A week later they explored the rarely discussed topic of mother’s who molest their own children. They air extracts from the show.

Both of those shows struck a nerve for so many viewers and we will hear from them a little later, says Oprah. But first, Lisa Ling’s report from a place in America that is home to the nation’s most violent sex offenders. Lisa says that they are one hour outside of Seattle, in a beautiful town known for it’s luxurious homes. That is not where they are going. They are about to board a ferry to a small island where 300 of Washington’s State most dangerous sexual predators are housed. At the port, Lisa is met by Kelly Cunningham, the superintendent of this special commitment center on McNeil Island. This is a mental health facility for Level 3 sexual predators, Lisa says. “The worst of the worst.” All the people on the island have completed their prison terms. Yes, this is a civil commitment, says Kelly. “It’s not voluntary, not by any means,” Kelly says. “Our primary purpose is public safety. We don’t want any more victims.”

After serving their prison sentences in Washington State Prison, violent sexual predators who were deemed too dangerous to return to society, were committed to McNeil Island indefinitely. As they pull up, Lisa says that it looks more like a prison than a treatment center.  Lisa tours the $60 million facility with Kelly. First, she visits the control center where guards monitor 200 security cameras. This is the heart of the institution. “There are only three other facilities in the country that have a similar system,” Kelly says. “They’re all super max prisons.” Despite the need for high-level security, most residents roam freely around the 5-acre campus. Walking through the yard they are approached by a man. Lisa asks Kelly is they can talk to the gentleman on camera. Lisa asks him if he should be here or should be kept away from the general population. He says no, not after treatment, he would not reoffend, he would not want to.

Inside is set up like a college dormitory with a gym, rec room and library. Computers and TV’s are permitted in the rooms but the internet is strictly off limits and only approved TV shows are allowed. Phone calls can be made freely but no inappropriate phone calls are allowed. Lisa asks what kinds of magazines are permitted. “Something as seemingly benign as a catalog isn’t allowed,” Kelly says. “We’ve had residents take those catalogs and tear out the pictures of the little kids in their underwear and use them for deviant fantasies.” Lisa learns that about 60 percent of McNeil Island’s residents are pedophiles.

Wow, says Oprah, Lisa joins us by Skype from North Hollywood, California. Oprah asks what it was like for her- as “all of us in this business” have been in uncomfortable situations- but what did it feel like to be with so many people who molest children?

“This assignment was certainly one of the most disturbing assignments of my career, especially to be amongst so many people with literally thousands of offenses toward children,” she says. “But I really tried to approach this with an open mind.” We are increasingly hearing more warped stories about child molestation in this country, but Lisa wanted to understand the behavior more.  “I believe that the only way to be able to treat this issue is if we understand the behavior.”

So these people have served their prison time, who decides that they spend more time here? Asks Oprah. All of the residents, as they are called, have been before a judge and review board who will determine if the person is fit to be out in society or have to go to the civil commitment facility, explains Lisa. They can stay there indefinitely – they have the option of going in to treatment, and only if they go through the process and get reevaluated, do they have any chance of leaving, otherwise if they refuse treatment they stay indefinitely. Oprah asks how effective the treatment is? Well, no one knows definitively. Since its inception in 1990, 4 residents have been able to leave unconditionally and 16 others have been able to leave with supervision. But we are talking about a small number of the hundreds of residents. Oprah asks if they are a population who cannot control their sexual desires, what is going on there in the facility? Lisa says that they are stringently monitored, there are cameras everywhere and it is set up like a prison. Sex with other residents is strictly forbidden. Oprah asks if Lisa believed the man who said that he didn’t need treatment. Lisa says that initially most people say that they need to be there before treatment, but that if that man who is having treatment says that he is able to control his behavior then he may not reoffend. This is a controversial program, Lisa says, in a sense these people are being sent to this island to prevent them from committing crimes that they haven’t yet committed. There’s a lot of debate about this, says Lisa. Oprah says that she knows a lot of families who have lost their children, their babies, to predators, who wish that there had been programs like this to stop the death of their children.

Lisa says it costs taxpayers $165,000 per resident each year to keep them on the island. Dr. Carey Sturgeon, the clinical director for McNeil Island’s special treatment program says “There are some who say that taxpayer dollars shouldn’t fund treatment,” she says. “That people who commit crimes against children or sexual crimes should just remain in prison or remain locked up without services.”"I guess I want to live in a world where we believe in grace and that people can change,” she says. “Knowing that treatment can work for sex offenders is one way of living that.”

For the first time ever, Dr. Sturgeon allows cameras to film her therapy session with a group of convicted sex offenders. Not all of the residents want their faces shown. Lisa is introduced to the group. Since therapy is voluntary, Lisa says less than half of the residents participate. The ones who do are required to go to group sessions three times a week. While sitting in on the session, Lisa meets Brent, a man who has multiple convictions against both boys and girls. He talks about his victims and his deviant thoughts- he was attracted to the way the children looked. After an hour in the therapy session, Lisa says “When Brent first started talking, it was very uncomfortable for me,” she says. “It felt very, very awkward sitting there listening to the things that he had done.” She says that she looked around the room and it became clear to her that everyone else in the room had engaged in similar behaviors- she tried to just listen. It was certainly challenging, is seemed as an addiction and whether it can be cured, or not, all she tried to do was listen.

After therapy, Brent agreed to talk more with Lisa in his room. She asks why he asked to be here- one reason is that he saw one of his victims in the courtroom and didn’t want to put anyone through that process again. Lisa asks him how many victims? Over the years, he says he’s molested more than 40 children. Lisa asks what his life was like on the outside; he was married for 9 1/2 years he says and has 3 children. He says that he molested other children throughout his marriage but was never sexually attracted to his own. Lisa asks what would be going through his mind when he was around children he was attracted to. He says he would experience sexual preoccupation. “putting them in a role, elevating them to like a partner instead of seeing them as a child,” he says. When he was 10-11, he was a victim of sexual abuse from the man down the street. Lisa says that she was struck in group that he said he would go to church to look for victims. Brent says that it was to spend time with them, not find them.  “Some of my victims attended the same church that I did,” he says. “So that was a place for me to go and spend time with them.” It was part of his front, that he believed in God, that he was going to church, that everything was ok. Lisa asks if there was always penetration.  With almost every victim—up to 98 percent—Brent says the assaults involved sexual penetration. There was occasional touches through clothes but almost always there would be penetration, whether that would be anally or orally. “If you are able to get off this island, do you think you’ll ever be able to be around children?” Lisa asks.

“Realistically? Probably not. Not in the sense of having interpersonal relationships,” he says. “I never offended against my children. They’re adults now. But to be around say, my grandkids? No. My nephews? Nieces? No. No. That’s not an option, and that’s a tough one to take.”

Back in the studio, Oprah says to Lisa that Brent is one of the more enlightened ones as he knows that he cant be around children. Lisa says that she was told that during treatment the residents often come to realize that they may get off the island but they will still have fantasies about children, they know that they would engage in wrong behavior. Oprah asks if Lisa got a sense that Brent had a sense of remorse? Lisa says that she got the feeling that after a lot of treatment, he had a sense of what he had done wrong. He is someone who said that he would have reoffended when he got out of prison, and that is why he asked to be sent to the island.

Oprah says that we are watching this so that If you have ever been molested, or if you have children, to understand and get into the minds of predators. Out of the nearly 300 residents on McNeil Island, only one is a woman. Until now, Laura has never spoken to a reporter about her crimes against children.

Lisa is in the housing unit for the one female resident, to see if she is willing to talk. She is a little intimidated by this but agrees to talk if there is Lisa and one camera man only. Lisa thanks Laura. Lisa asks her why she’s here. In 1989, Laura was sent to prison for the first-degree rape of a child. Lisa asks if Laura should be here-absolutely says Laura. Lisa asks if she is a danger to society and Laura says that is a tough one, she’ll just say that she has more things to work on. Lisa asks how many offenses she has committed? Laura says she took responsibility for 15 offenses, but she says she’s guilty of many more. “I would say, as I said in all of my testings and stuff, that I’ve done, I would say, 100 or more,” she says. Before she was arrested, Laura was a caretaker for babies and toddlers. She admits she sexually abused her young victims while babysitting them. Lisa asks what would go through her mind when Laura was offending “It’s not like every time I see a kid, I get aroused and know I want to hurt them,” she says. “It’s being in the line of their care, like having to bathe them or change them or take care of them physically … I did bad things, really bad things.” Once, Laura says she almost killed one of her victims by suffocating her with a pillow. “I had a friend there, so that got interrupted, which I was very glad for after the fact,” she says. Lisa asks if anything would have stopped her- Laura says she doesn’t think anything would have stopped her.”I didn’t need to groom my victims because they were so young,” she says. “But I did have to groom their parents.” Laura says she groomed low-income, drug-addicted moms by offering them drugs and alcohol.

Lisa asks her what things parents should be aware of. “Don’t just let any Joe Blow babysit your kids. If your kids are uncomfortable around that person or they don’t want to leave with that person, don’t make them go,” she says. Lisa asks if there were signs, if people were paying attention? Yes, that’s the thing says Laura. “I think that there are actually more women out there just like me. I just think they haven’t been caught.” “Back when I was offending, if I saw a parent who seemed negligent or they didn’t want to be bothered with their kid or they didn’t want to go to the park or they didn’t want to play with them or they were messy and dirty or they needed a bath, those were the kind of people that I targeted,” she says. Any child is vulnerable, says Laura, but especially those who don’t get what they need, says Laura. Lisa asks if she has had any interactions with her victims? No, she is not allowed to talk to them, she prays for them, she hopes they are happy and that their lives are not ruined by what she did. Lisa asks if she feels remorse, Laura believes that she does. She has 4 children, 4 girls, they don’t live with her and they never have. She offended against her youngest- it was more physical abuse than sexual abuse, but it was still abuse, their is no difference, she says. Lisa asks if she was molested as a child? Yes, she was, she was 7. Lisa asks if it was violent- Laura says that all molestation is violent, or rape. She has a hard time with the word molestation, because it’s like you didn’t molest, you raped. She sometimes thinks that molestation is an attempt to clean it up. So, Lisa says, you raped. Yes, says Laura.

Back in the studio, Oprah says she agrees with Laura- the word molestation gives everyone a break. Lisa was shocked by Laura’s candor and to reiterate what she said, she sought out environments where she could be in the care of children. This is why these programs they are doing are so important, to inform parents that they need to be ultra diligent: people may not have a criminal background, but they may have multiple offenses against children, like Laura did. Oprah says that she found interesting that Laura said the same as the offenders that she interviewed; they are looking for kids who are neglected and needy, whose parents have not paid attention to them. The abusers are preying on vulnerable children, often of single mothers. Lisa says that they are professional exploiters. Oprah says that the stories we hear on the news of children being chopped up and left in a ditch are the extreme stories, what we are talking about here are the rapes and sexual abuse by people that the families know, by those who gain the trust of the family. Lisa agrees that this is the most important issue- the fact that Brent went to church with his victims to build up confidence and trust within the family. Oprah says that we are looking fro the bogeyman but he may live down the street or be in the house. He may be a relative says Lisa. It often is, says Oprah.

After Oprah aired her no-holds-barred conversation with four admitted child molesters in February 2010, letters, emails and phone calls started pouring in. “We were overwhelmed by the response to that interview. So many victims and parents—and even molesters—came forward. That is exactly the reason why I wanted to do these shows,” Oprah says. “To get people to step out of the shame, to come forward, to tell somebody.” They wanted to create a platform for people to continue to share their stories. For the rest of the program, they will show just what happened when they kept that conversation going in their studio.

After her no holds barred conversation with four molesters, this is what one woman wrote: I’ve been living with the secret for 50 years and having you look into the camera and saying that it was not your fault, you were the victim, I feel  like 50 pounds have been lifted from my shoulders.”

Some people have disagreed with the point that Oprah made when she said if an abuser does his or her job well, the abuse feels good. This can add to a victim’s feelings of shame and confusion. A survivor of sexual abuse, Diane, wanted to share a differing viewpoint, based on her own violent childhood. On the phone she says that “I just wanted to make people aware that it’s not always that you’re going to feel good or get pleasure from it. A lot of times, it’s fear and intimidation. It’s abuse. It’s the fear of being beat again. It’s the abuser using abuse to get you to do what they want.” Oprah asks her how old she was when it started.  She was raped at 9 years old “There was violence throughout my childhood,” she says. “He abused us enough that, when he said he was going to do something, we believed it.” Oprah says she understands where survivors like Diane are coming from. “There are many situations where that happens,” she says. “And as I’ve said before on this show, I’m speaking broadly and in, of course, general terms.” Diane says that she does not disagree with Oprah at all, but she wanted to tell others that sometimes it is violent. Oprah asks when the abuse stopped. The abuse stopped just before Diane’s 13th birthday. Diane says she and her sister, who was abused by the same man, were intimidated into keeping their terrible secret. she says. Oprah asks if others in the household knew that it was going on? No, absolutely not- there was so much physical abuse going on that no one saw beyond that. Oprah asks why they didn’t tell? “When he said he would kill us, we believed him.” He stabbed her mom, he did so many different things that they believed what he said. I get that, says Oprah.

Since Oprah launched her series, two convicted child molesters have also come forward. Ken, one of the molesters, calls in to share a message with vulnerable children and parents. “Once a child molester, always a child molester,” he says.

First off Ken says that he was molested for 1 – 1/2 years by a man who was living with them at the time. When Ken was 10 or 11 years old, he says he was groomed and subsequently molested by a man well known to his family. Now, at 48 years old, he admits that he followed the same violent pattern. “I molested my relative, a 10-year-old girl,” Ken says. Ken says this was the only time he molested a child…but he tried unsuccessfully twice before. “I tried with two other relatives, but they didn’t let me,” he says. “I didn’t force.” “What did they do that stopped you?” Oprah asks. “One, when I started reaching my hand, she would block it, and I never actually got to touch her,” he says. “In the back of my mind, I think that child, either somebody else had done something with her or somebody taught her well. The other relative, I tried a quick, accidentally-on-purpose touch, and I got a very negative response from that person.”

The reason that Oprah is doing this series of shows is to educate parents and children on their own power. Oprah says to her girls at the school all the time- when you are 4 and 5 it’s hard to stand up for yourself and have a voice but when you get old enought to use your voie or block, you can. Oprah says this is an important takeaway for children and parents. “No molester wants trouble. No molester wants to be identified,” she says. “Train your children that, regardless of who it is, you’re not supposed to be touched in a certain way, in a certain place or you’re not supposed to allow that to happen to them. If they say no immediately, the molester is going to look to find somebody who will.”They are looking for a more vulnerable child, they will move away from the big mouth. Nobody wants to mess around with somebody who will expose them.

Oprah continued raising awareness about childhood sexual abuse in part 2 of the series by by touching on a subject that’s rarely discussed—mothers who abuse. Gregg Milligan, a man who says he was brutally raped by his mother when he was a boy, shared details of his horrific childhood. His story inspired even more victims to come forward. Tom, a 39-year-old who says he’s a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, joins Oprah on Skype to thank her for bringing Gregg’s story to light.  Unlike Gregg, Tom never got married or had children because he says he’s afraid to bring children into this world. For many years, Tom also felt lost. Tom says that the story does not compare to Gregg’s, that story brought him to tears, he feels a lot for Gregg.

“A lot of us, I guess, it happened when we were younger, 8 or 9 years old. … You really don’t have much in your life at that age but your family, and for some people, a relationship with God,” he says. “When something like that does happen, and it’s a family member, you pretty much shatter that duality of the comfort of your family and your spirituality.” Tom was lost for a long time, set himself up and sabotaged himself on a number of occasions. He thanks Oprah for talking about this; 30 years ago this was taboo and would never have happened. Oprah says that as a reporter in Baltimore she had never shared her story. She was in her 20s and a woman came on the show and told her story- she was abused by her uncle and a friend of the family. Oprah was too ashamed and even though she wanted to say that it happened to her too, she couldn’t. “I know what it’s like, and I also know how freeing it is to recognize you are not the only one,” she says. At 22, she thought she was the only one that this had happened to. Gregg says that at first you believe that it is normal and happens in every family, then there is the dramatic shift where you think that you are the only person in the world that this is happening too. So you must be a freak, adds Oprah. Oprah thanks Tom.

We know Dr. Laura Berman as a sex therapist and as the author of books like The Book of Love. However, Dr. Berman has also worked extensively with child molesters and victims of sexual abuse, and she sees the aftermath. As Oprah keeps saying, its not just the act itself, it’s what happens after the act.  Dr. Berman says that even after the abuse ends, a survivor may struggle for decades. According to Dr. Berman, long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse may include:

Poor body image because the body was the instrument used during the sexual abuse. There are often bad attitudes towards the body, seeing it as bad and dirty and that deeply affects the survivor. The common feelings are shame, guilt, isolation, depression and low self-esteem. Sexual confusion or promiscuity can be a result of not dealing with the emotions and feelings surrounding the abuse. Confusing rape or sexual abuse fantasies may be a way of taking their power back. Many victims suffer with eating disorders, obesity and anorexia- the anorexia is a way to find control in a world that feels out of control. Obesity is often used to keep sexual attraction at bay and to stop the emotions.

If these feelings are not dealt with, it can often lead to other destructive behaviors such as

  • Drug abuse and alcoholism
  • Poor decision-making in relationships
  • Difficulty with intimacy
  • Suicidal behavior

Oprah thanks Dr Laura Berman and stresses the importance of listening to our children. She says that the caller gave great advice today- if you teach your children well, if an offender comes to them and they say no, that person will move on. If you are a child, tell someone today. Tell a teacher, and if they don’t believe you, tell a friend or a parent. And if you are a parent and you have that “Hmm, something is off there” feeling, that is an instinct, that is what it feels like. This is what has to happen. Parents all across America have to risk blowing up their families and stirring up all kinds of trouble  if you want to stop the molesting of your children. Thanks and bye.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

The treatment facility on McNeil Island houses 300 Level 3 sexual predators who are deemed to be unable to return to society without re-offending.

The facility is controversial as the”residents” are there to prevent them from committing crimes that they haven’t yet committed.

Interviews with the predators reveal that parents and childrena nd society need to be ultra-vigilant in our battle to stamp out child sexual abuse.

Predators prey on the needy and vulnerable. Teach your children to speak loudly for themselves.

The offense is only one part of the equation, the aftermath can have devastating consequences for the victim, including eating disorders, poor body image, drug abuse, alcoholism and suicide.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

A child sexual predator may be in your house. Be ultra vigilant. Teach your kids that they have their own power.

Date: March 4th, 2010
File Under: Grief, Public Service Announcement, Tragedy

Episode 40: 43 Hours Lost At Sea: The Sole Survivor of the NFL Boating Tragedy

Oprah says that behind the scenes of the show, they have been talking about this story for months. This story is a complicated story of survival, it is hard to tell but they are going to try and honor everybody involved. It happened over a period of 43 hours and they are going to start at the beginning.

Nick Schuyler a personal trainer, had befriended NFL players Corey Smith and Marquis Cooper at his gym. Marquis was married with a 3-year-old daughter he adored. An experienced fisherman, he often took friends out on his 21-foot boat. Corey, the youngest of six from a tight-knight family, had just finished his season with the Detroit Lions. At the last minute, Nick invited his best friend, Will Bleakley, to join them.

On a chilly Saturday morning the men left a launch in Clearwater, Florida, at 6:30 a.m. They dropped anchor 70 miles away off the Gulf of Mexico. In late afternoon, when the weather turned, they decided to turn back. And then disaster struck. The boat flipped, tossing all 4 into the rough open water 70 miles from the shore. When the group didn’t return home, Marquis’ friend called the coastguard at 1.27am. The coastguard began the search but they only knew that the boat was a single engine boat, they knew the size and the passengers, but not the location. Nick’s sister got the call on Sunday morning that they were missing. Their Mom knew instantly that something had happened to Nick.

Coast guards helicopters planes and boats faced grueling conditions and 14 feet waves. Looking for the white speck of the upturned boat was like looking for a fingernail in a shag carpet. Overnight temps dropped to 40 degrees, hypothermia became a major concern.  “All the processes in the body just slow down, so your mind starts to slow down and you cannot think,” Dr. Mark Rumbak says. “One of the main symptoms of hypothermia is the hallucinations, and you could become very aggressive. You could just start fighting and you could start beating somebody up, or just slipping off your clothes and just running away. You just become very confused and could do something that may, in fact, cause your death.”

When reporters found out that 2 NFL players were missing, it triggered a media frenzy. Nick’s mother was beside herself. She remembers thinking that if they don’t find them when its light, they’ll be in trouble.

On Monday morning, the weather finally broke and the Coast Guard intensified their search. After days of searching for over 2 days for more than 24,000 square miles of ocean, a lookout made a miraculous discovery at 11:46 a.m. “It turned out to be the white upside-down hull of the boat,” Capt. Close says. “Then they saw Nick sitting there with his life jacket.”

Theres’ only one person who knows what happened on that boat. The sole survivor, Nick Schuyler is here today, welcome Nick. Oprah says that it was a boys trip and at some point Nick became sea sick, so he had his ski jacket on.  Everyone else wore wind pants and wind jackets. Marquis had shorts on. They knew a storm was coming and they had talked about not going out so far. Still, Nick says they decided to go all the way out. It was one of Marquis’ favorite spots. Nick says he’s not an avid fisherman, but Marquis knew what he was doing. It was his last weekend before he left to Oakland for camp, and he wanted to make one last trip.

Around 4pm they realized that they needed to head back. When Marquis decided to turn the boat around they realized the anchor was stuck. Nick says the same thing happened the week before when he, Corey and Marquis were fishing in the same spot. They had to cut the line and leave the anchor behind.  This time, Nick says Marquis didn’t want to lose another anchor. They tried a couple different maneuvers and turned the boat around and pulled it from every which angle. The anchor’s rope was attached to the front of the boat. Will suggested untying the rope, reattaching it to the back and gunning the engine to move the anchor. “Our intention was, ‘Okay, if we gun the motor, we’re either going to rip this thing out or the line’s going to snap,’” Nick says. Oprah asks why they didn’t cut it like the previous week- they didn’t want to waste another $200. No one thought that it would flip the boat or that it was a dangerous move.

As Marquis gunned the engine, Nick says the boat began to flip. “Marquis was driving. Within maybe two seconds, it slowly flipped over to the left. The water was very cold, 64-degrees. They attempted to flip it back, there’s nothing to hold on to, there’s no leverage. Physics worked against them. They were in shock. The waves were already crashing in, they were tired and didn’t have life jackets on.

The tragedy made headlines around the world. With the lifejackets trapped underneath the boat, they were left stranded clinging to the boat. Oprah says that the book is one of the most harrowing stories of survival that she has ever read.

Nick says Marquis kept apologizing. ‘I’m so sorry you guys,’ Marquis said after about a half hour in the water. He must have said it ten times, he felt it was his fault because he was the captain. There’s these stories out there that Marquis was an inexperienced boater, which is absolutely not the truth. He knew what he was doing. He had been on the water a hundred times, a thousand times, and he was an experienced fisherman. Who would think that a 1” rope would flip this boat with 4 big guys on it? In the beginning they thought they’d get out of it. Oprah asks if they had been drinking. Cory didn’t drink, Marquis was leaving town so Nick had thought they’d have a whole lot of beer and that Cory would drive the boat back. But with the conditions, that was not the case- Nick had 2 beers over 4 or 5 hours. Everyone was coherent when this happened.

Will took charge and took off his clothes to swim under the boat. Marquis would give instructions and Will would go and look. He was able to swim underneath the boat several times and retrieved three life vests and a floating seat cushion. Nick says Will gave everyone a life jacket and strapped the seat cushion onto his own back. That’s quite a friend says Oprah. Absolutely says Nick.

As darkness fell, Nick says the men assumed their positions on and around the boat. They worked together through the night to help each other. Marquis was face-down, straddling a cooler on top of the exposed bow. Nick was next to Marquis, crouching with one foot on the hull of the boat and the other on the swim platform. At Nick’s feet, Will perched on the swim platform next to the engine. At Marquis’ feet, Corey held on to the boat, the only one submerged in water.

Oprah reads an extract from the book on page 49 stating that Marquis was insecure. As conditions deteriorated, the waves threw them from the boat over and over again. “We’d hear them approach and scream, ‘Hold on,’ trying to brace ourselves.” It was like trying to ride a bucking bronco. Marquis must have come off the boat 20 or 30 times. Nick probably came off 15, sometimes you’d be thrown off just as you were climbing back on. There was a grim determination and a lot of Oh my God’s. At first they were Oh my God I can’t believe this is happening, and then they were Oh my God this might be it.

By about 10pm that night they realized that it was deeply serious. Nick says Corey kept stating, ‘No way in hell I’m going out like this.’ Corey had a waterproof watch on with a light so they could keep track of time. Oprah says at some point Will brought up a bag of cellphones. Yes, says Nick, Will was able to find a ziplock bag with cell phones- without Will, Nick wouldn’t be here today. Nick was trying to make calls or texts to 911, and all it says was ‘Connecting, connecting, connecting,’. He was trying to conserve the battery but also hoped that they’d float closer to a cell phone tower.

Nick has written about his terrifying ordeal in the book Not Without Hope. After 9 hours in the sea, Marquis and Corey started to show signs of hypothermia, like aggression and disorientation. Oprah remembers that at 2.30am they noticed a change in Marquis. They’d been talking through the night, but then Marquis began to get very quiet. “So we’d be like: ‘Coop! Coop!’ And he wouldn’t answer at first. … Some time would pass, 10 seconds later… ‘Yeah, I’m all right.’ They didn’t think anything of it, they were frightened but were thinking that they’d be rescued. They knew that Marquis’ wife would call at midnight if they weren’t back.

Nick says they talked about their families and what they would change in their lives. Will had mentioned stuff about being closer to his brother, Blake. Marquis just talked about how much he loved his family and Delaney, his little girl. They all had a million thoughts going on that this could be it.

Marquis started to lose some motor functions, and he started to foam at the mouth. Nick says Marquis also began to hallucinate. He kept saying things like: ‘I need to get underneath the boat. I need to cut the rope. I need to get the anchor,’ Nick says. At that point, he knew, okay, we’re in deep trouble. That wasn’t Marquis. That’s not the kind of guy he is. The elements were definitely taking him in.

They were being pounded by the waves and taking in salt water. They show again the footage of the doctor saying that hypothermia may make you do things which will endanger your life. Nick says he did everything he could to keep Marquis from leaving the boat. He positioned himself up on the boat where he straddled the motor. He had pulled him up with the help of the other guys, and pretty much bear hugged him. Around 4 a.m. on Sunday, Nick was still holding onto Marquis. They had been in this position for roughly over an hour, and it was a fight to hold him down; he was trying to struggle to get away. They were all saying to him ‘Hold on. They’ll be here any minute. Relax, Coop. You’re good. We’ve got the anchor.’

Oprah asks Nick to talk about letting go of Marquis. Nick and Will had checked Marquis’ pulse a few times, and then Will said, ‘He’s not there.’ At that point, they tried to flip him over and give him CPR, which was virtually impossible with the waves. The hypothermia was setting in with Corey, who was becoming disorientated; aggressive and pulling on all of them. Nick said Corey was starting to fight as well, whichwas not Corey. “The hypothermia was definitely set in,” he says. “There was no way that I could hold onto Corey and Marquis at the same time.” Nick had to decide what to do. Nick says he faced an impossible decision. If he didn’t let Marquis’ body go, he couldn’t help Corey. If he held on, he could lose them both. ‘I just kept telling Coop, ‘Coop, I’m so sorry,’ he says. Will said that he had to let Marquis go, and Nick agreed. It was the worse thing. He let him go, and Marquis slowly sunk. He rolled off Nick’s right side and Nick watched him until he couldn’t see him anymore.

Oprah asks if there was a moment to grieve- no Corey was much more verbal and aggressive than Marquis had been. He was very aggressive, screaming. Saying some things that they had never heard Corey even joke about. Which, once again, was not Corey. He said things like I’m going to kill you, clarifies Oprah. He said things that were hard to take in, but it is hard to forget the last words says Nick. Oprah says that he was literally out of his mind. Yes, says Nick and he was literally using his legs to leapfrog off the boat. Nick was holding on with his right hand, and Corey was shooting, so he was literally ripping Nick’s arm trying to get away. He had jumped one time across the back of the motor, and he had sliced my hand, sliced my arm on the motor prop, Nick says. In that moment, Nick says he let go of Corey. Corey then jumped into the water. He was roughly 6, 8 feet off the boat and they couldn’t reach him at that point. Corey ripped off his life jacket and rolled his body forward in the water. He kind of did a swan dive and put his feet in the air and just kicked down. They didn’t see him after two seconds.

Nick was left with his best friend in the world. They’d been in the water for 15 hours. Will told Nick something he says he’ll never forget. “He said, ‘I don’t think I’m going to make it another night,’ Nick says he didn’t say anything at first then he said  ‘They’re going to find us today.’

Will began to display the same signs as the others; he wasn’t aggressive, he was helpless. Nick was fending for both of them at that point, they were operating on 20%. The waves continued to batter them, pulling them off the boat and into the cold, churning water. After a while, Will could no longer pull himself back on the boat. He didn’t have the strength. Nick was trying to pull up a 225-pound man with not a whole lot of leverage. Will went in the water one time, and his life jacket shot up. It kind of choked him. His first reaction was, ‘I’m going to take the jacket off.’ So he took the jacket off, and within a few seconds that thing was yards away. I thought about going to get the jacket, but then I’d have to leave Will, jacketless, alone.” Nick held him for some time with the waves banging banging, banging. He was on one side of the motor. Nick was on the other. They both kept going under, and Will was coughing. That happened probably five or six times. Then one time Nick was calling his name, and he was just not there.

Oprah asks if Will had drifted off. No, says Nick  Will was dead. Nick says he fought to hold onto his friend’s body. “I was beyond devastated. I tried to climb back up on the boat holding a literally lifeless body,” he says. “He just got away from me, and there wasn’t a whole lot that I could do.” Nick watched as his friend’s body slowly disappeared into the sea. He had to watch his best friend sit there floating in the water. Before he died. Nick said, ‘I love you, man’, and Will said the same.

Oprah reads some of Nicks thoughts from the book “I needed to live long enough to tell the story, even if I was found alive and died later. I felt useless and worthless. It seemed like every time I thought it couldn’t get worse, it got worse. I hoped I would be found, but I experienced what no person should have to experience. It was awful. Three are gone. Now it’s my turn. It’s just a matter of time. I didn’t have any choice but to go on.”

Being sick and the jacket probably saved his life, his mom gave him the jacket. He was alone from Sunday night. “I was very sad,” he says. “I kept thinking about the guys, of course, and my family.”  Oprah says did he ask his Aunt and God if they were up there to help him? Yes. Nick started to say his final prayers. “I kept picturing my family, my mother, particularly,” he says. “I just could not picture my mother attending my funeral. That’s by far the worst thing that any mother would have to go through.”

He never gave up hope, but to see three guys die in his arms, three athletes, and he already had been so sick before they started. Nick says he saw the Coast Guard’s boat approaching but thought it was a hallucination. He was hunched over, “I was like, ‘There’s no way,’” he says. “I kind of stood up for a second and I’m like, ‘Thank you, God.’ I took my jacket off, swung it around like a towel, and I just broke down.”

The lives of the men who died at sea will be remembered for much more than the accident which took their lives. Corey’s family are very proud of his achievements and say that he is deeply missed. His coach at the Detroit Lions says that his heart was bigger than everyone else’s. Marquis Cooper was his parents pride and his sisters biggest fan. His wife misses his smile and his gentle spirit and his daughter Delaney was the joy of his life.

Will Bleakley’s mom, Betty, says her son had a twinkle in his eye and made everything fun. She’s grateful she told Will she loved him the last time she talked to him.

Oprah asks what Nick told Will’s parents about the day he died. He was in the hospital the second day and he knew it was one of those things he had to do. “I wanted to emphasize how without Will, I would not be having this conversation with you right now. Will saved my life.”

Oprah says that there has been controversy over the book. Some of the family members involved believe Nick is profiting from their tragedy. Nick says that he has heard some things too and that unfortunately his relationships with some of the families aren’t where he would like them to be. But at the end of the day, “I’ve said since day one, the most important thing for me has been the Bleakleys, the Smiths, the Coopers and the three guys.”

A few months after the accident, Nick was approached and they said, ‘Here’s the deal: They’re gonna do a book, with or without you,’” he says. “I wanted to do it for the right reasons, for the three guys and their families.” Oprah asks about the money. He has set up a foundation and is giving to charities. Unfortunately he has not been able to speak with the families. The money has never been a thing. He didn’t want to talk about it at first because it was so fresh, a year ago but it feels like a month.

Corey’s family have said that Nick’s depiction of Corey’s last hours as aggressive was not the Corey that they knew. Nick repeatedly stated that it was not the Corey he knew. Corey was the big teddy bear that everyone loved.

Marquis’ wife Rebecca asked Oprah to read following statement: “The last morning I saw Marquis, I kissed him goodbye and told him I loved him, as I have for years. My family and I didn’t get the chance to bring him home, to lay him to rest. I’ve heard conflicting reports stemming from Mr. Schuyler of what happened on the day Marquis, Corey and Will died, but never once heard or been told of my husband’s last words, whether he spoke of Delaney and I. How is it that Mr. Schuyler has enough recollection and material to write a book, yet has never once sat down with our family to tell us how Marquis died?  Marquis was not an inexperienced boater or a careless friend. He was a husband worth fighting for in life, and in his absence still today.”

The hardest thing right now for Nick is this relationship. He has talked to Will’s parents and two of Corey’s sisters and that “More than anything in this world, I would love to tell her the story, and I’ve always wanted to tell her the story,” he says. “I’m willing to do whatever it takes.” The setting was never right to have the conversation, even though they were friendly after the accident. Oprah says this is a lesson everyone facing loss can learn from. “For everybody, there comes a moment when things need to be said and everybody always wants to know the answer to the question, ‘Why?’ … Particularly when somebody dies or there’s an awkward situation. You don’t know what to say, so you end up saying nothing. And then that nothing ends up creating really bad feelings because somebody should have said something, and nobody really knows what to say. Even if you can, just say, ‘I don’t know what to say.’”

Oprah asks if he misses them. Every day. He had only known Marquis for a little while, and Corey even shorter, but he was with Will 2 or 3 times a week. Oprah asks if he’s ok. His friends and family have been out of this world. “Without them, who knows?”

Nick says one of the reasons he wrote Not Without Hope was to help this happen to anyone else. Here’s what the Coast Guard says everyone should take away from his story:

  • Boaters should always leave a ‘Float Plan’ with someone ashore—including a description of the boat, names of the people onboard, where exactly they are going, and when they are expected back.
  • Boaters should always wear lifejackets.
  • Every boat should carry an Electronic Position Indicating Radiobeacon (EPIRB). An EPIRB is water-activated and will broadcast an exact position via satellite to rescue centers.
  • Visual distress signals such as flares, strobe lights and even flashlights can be critical in helping the Coast Guard find someone in need of assistance.

Oprah thanks Nick and wishes him well. His life is a testament to live more consciously, so please no more texting in the car. Thank you.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

One of the main symptoms of hypothermia is the hallucinations

Sufferers become very confused and could do something that may, in fact, cause their death.

Seasickness caused Nick Schuyler to put on his ski jacket, which probably saved his life.

Wear life jackets and tell people exactly where you are going when going out to sea.

Watching 3 of your friends die in your arms is incomprehensibly terrible.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

When something so awful has happened that you don’t know what to say, say something, even if you are saying that you don’t know what to say.

Date: February 23rd, 2010
File Under: Public Service Announcement, Tragedy
1 comment

Episode 33: Amanda Knox’s Family Speak Out

A pretty American college student studying abroad in Italy, an alleged sex game and a brutal murder, this story sparked a media frenzy. The Amanda Knox story, with all its shocking twists and turns, has left the public riddled with questions. Did she? Didn’t she? But whether you believe the American college student is innocent or guilty of the murder of which she’s been convicted, there is one thing everyone can agree on: Her story has become an international media sensation.While Amanda was studying abroad in Perugia, Italy, her roommate Meredith Kercher was found murdered. Today, Amanda is behind bars, sentenced to 26 years in an Italian prison for the crime, but her parents say the stories in the media couldn’t be further from the truth.

Amanda and her younger sister visited Perugia, Italy two years ago to find somewhere for Amada to live. They soon found a cottage. Amanda Knox moved to Perugia, Italy, to study abroad in 2007. She lived with three roommates—two Italians and one British exchange student, 21-year-old Meredith Kercher. She got on well with her roommates, she and Meredith both spoke English, the other two older roommates spoke Italian. On November 2, two months after Amanda moved in, Meredith’s nearly naked and bloodied body was discovered under a bedspread in her bedroom. She’d been beaten, raped and tortured. Her throat was slashed, causing her to choke on her own blood.

The Italian police say that as they began their investigation, they noticed Amanda was behaving bizarrely. She was hugging and kissing her boyfriend of two weeks, Raffaele Sollecito, outside the bedroom where Meredith’s dead body was found and reportedly performed cartwheels and splits at the police headquarters where her boyfriend was being questioned.  Over the course of the investigation, Amanda’s own recollection of the events on the night of Meredith’s murder changed. First, Amanda claimed she was at Raffaele’s house. Later, during an all-night interrogation with no attorney present, Amanda said she had a vision of being inside the house at the time of the murder. She even said she  may have heard Meredith scream. She identified the killer as Patrick Lumumba, her boss at a local bar.

A few hours later, Amanda retracted those statements, saying they had been coerced- she was hit in the back of the head by one of the police officers sho said she would make her remember. Amanda said she didn’t know what to think anymore, she was confused. The, police arrested Amanda, Raffaele and Patrick. Prosecutors claimed the murder was a result of a satanic, drug-fueled sex game turned violent and then  deadly. Their  theory made newspaper headlines around the world. Then a video of Amanda and her boyfriend buying underwear a day after the murder was released. Overnight, Amanda Knox, the sraight-A college student from Seattle became known as “the girl with the angel face and ice-cold eyes.”

The situaton got worse for Amanda when Amanda’s boss, Patrick, turned out to have an air-tight alibi. He was released from custody, and police set their sites instead on a drifter and alleged drug dealer, Rudy Guede. Forensic tests found his DNA inside Meredith’s body and in her bedroom. While the police had their three suspects in custody,  Guede was first  found guilty of murder and sentenced to 30 years in prison. Amanda’s trial lasted 15 months.  The prosecutor argued that a knife found in Raffaele’s apartment had Amanda’s DNA on the handle and Meredith’s DNA on the blade. He also said that Raffaele’s DNA was found on Meredith’s bra clasp, fueling the sex game theory. In the bathroom that Amanda and Meredith shared, police found a mix of Meredith’s blood with Amanda’s DNA.

Then it was the turn of the defense. Amanda’s attorney convinced the judge to throw out her initial statements. Amanda’s mother was called as a witness. A forensic expert for the defense team testified that the knife was too large and could not have made some of the wounds on Meredith’s neck. The defense also argued that the DNA levels on the knife were too low to be accurately measured and that the crime scene had been contaminated by careless police work. Then Amanda took the stand saying in Italian that she was afraid of having the mask of an assassin forced onto her skin

After deliberating for 11 hours, 2 judges and 6 jurors found Amanda and Raffaele guilty of murder, of sexual assault, of staging a break-in and carrying a knife. Raffaele was sentenced to 25 years and Amanda was sentenced to 26 years in prison. Rudy Guede appealed the decision against him  and a judge reduced his sentence to 16 years.Whether you believe Amanda is guilty or not is up to you,  Amanda’s parents, Edda Mellas and Curt Knox, say that Meredith’s death was a terrible tragedy, but their daughter’s story has yet to be told.

Oprah says that as parents no one wants to believe that their daughter is capable of such a thing- Oprah wants to know why she did such odd behaviour in the days after the crime, starting with Amanda’s supposed bizarre behavior in the days following Meredith’s murder. Her mother Edda says that if you know Amanda, she’s shocked. This is not a smiling girl; referring to video of Amanda hugging her boyfriend outside the house where Meredith was murdered. They’re not making out. He’s rubbing her back and comforting her. She was just shocked. She was devastated, she had been devastated for a large amount of time.

Edda says Amanda’s behavior at police headquarters,  turning cartwheels and doing splits, was another misrepresentation. She says that Amanda had been  there for 54 hours over a 91 hour period, and while doing homework, she got up to stretch. She was getting cramped, and the officers came in—they were being really friendly—and they said, Oh, you seem pretty flexible, and she said ‘Yes , I was a gymnast. They asked her if she could still do any gymnastics, and Amanda said yes and went into a split. Edda says, that was it. It was lost in translation. Amanda said that there was absolutely no cartwheels ever. Curt says that the media blows things out of proportion and especially over there. In the US we are used to having two sides to every story, over there, pretty much anyone can make up anything and they’ll print it. Edda says that much has been lost in translation, including possibly the notion of cartwheels.

Oprah asks why Amanda changed her testimony, which is never a good thing. Edda said she watched an Oprah show where a man talked about changing his testimony- he confessed to killing  a whole family or something he didn’t really do. Edda says that Amanda always, in all of her statements, maintained the bottom line was that she didn’t know what was true anymore, but she did  know that she did not have anything to do with the murder of her friend. Oprah asks about the vision that Amanda supposedly had- Edda says that the police fed her prompts, that she was encouraged to keep talking.

Edda also says that interestingly the Italian police recorded all other conversations and phone calls before and after the interrogation, but they did not tape the overnight 14 hour interrogation itself. Oprah asks who they think killed Meredith- Curt says that the evidence sure points to Rudy Guede. His DNA is all over and on Meredith  and all over the murder scene. Amanda has no fingerprints, no blood, no sweat, no hair, nothing in the room. Raffaele has nothing there other than the bra clasp, and a speck of DNA. The bra clasp was photographed on November 2nd and it was picked up 47 days later after the crime scene had been released. There had been people going back and forward so there was an extreme possibility of contamination.

Today Curt says visiting Amanda in prison is almost unbearable. Some days visits are nice and others are extremely tough. You just do the best you can. He once held Amanda for 45 minutes while she cried in his arms. Curt and Edda divorced when Amanda was only three years old but they have joined forces to help get Amanda back. Oprah can’t imagine how it must feel to visit your child in a foreign prison where she will be for 26 years. Curt says that the time she cried for 45 minutes was the worst. Oprah asks what a good day is like- she comes out bubbly, it’s different over there you get to hold her and hug her. Curt asks her what she is up to and how her schooling is going. She is still attending the University of Washington thanks to some generous professors. She is doing German and Italian studies, and she completes the assignments and Curt or Edda get them back to Washington to be graded, she is treated like any other child. Its an independent study program which gives her a light at the end of the tunnel. Then Amanda will not feel that her time there has been wasted, so she will have something when she gets out.

Oprah asks if they really believe that Amanda will get out, and if so how? Curt says she is absolutely innocent. She went through a trial by media. Inside the courtroom there is no evidence to convict her. In Italy jurors are not sequestered and the media did a character assasination in the first year and all the jurors had been exposed to that. Oprah confirms that the jurors are not questioned in any way, it’s a very different situation. Oprah says if you want to be tried, get tried in the USA. Edda says that we make mistakes too, and that their have been Oprah episodes about that. At least to begin with it’s fair, says Oprah.

Amanda’s attorney, Theodore Simon, is in the audience and says there’s no question that Amanda’s was a wrongful conviction. We are not  immune to misplaced justice and wrongful convictions in the US, no one has a monopoly on justice. This is a prime example. He says that the audience just heard Curt speak about the lack of evidence in the case which is both profound and compelling, You’ve already portrayed how horrific this murder scene was and it was very tragic and terrible. But there was no hair, no fiber, no footprint, no shoe print, no hand print, no palm print, no fingerprint, no saliva, no sweat, no cells, no blood, no DNA of Amanda Knox in the room where Kercher was found or on her body. That’s virtually impossible to have occurred in this type of case. Oprah asks if Amanda’s initial accusation of an innocent man shows a lack of integrity. The lawyer says that we have to understand the circumstances here- she had been spoken to for many hours over a long period of time without a lawyer or interpreter. Her statements were thrown out by the Supreme Court of Italy finding that her rights had been violated. This was critical, her statements were not confessions.The prosecutor in this case labored under an indictment for abuse of office during the entire pendency of Amanda’s case and was ultimately convicted.

Her boss called her to say that she didn’t need to go into to work that night and she texted thanks, see you later.  In the U.S., that means, ‘See you tomorrow, next week, whenever.’ They took that to mean, again, lost in translation, literally you’re meeting up with him later today in a few hours to commit this horrible crime,” Edda says. So they kept holding that message up in front of her face and yelling at her and saying: ‘We know you were meeting with him. We know he was involved.’ It was the police that prompted all of that. Oprah asks if Amanda says that she was coerced under pressure- Edda says that she was hit, called a liar, told her that she’d never see her family again. They said just give us possibilities. Edda agrees that it was a trial by media and that things were printed that were not true about the case or Amanda herself. After the arrest, a  media fire erupted- Amanda was a sex crazed party girl who did drugs and murder. Edda says that Amanda admitted that she and Raffaele had smoked pot that night after watching a movie. She stayed at his house overnight.

20/20 co-anchor Elizabeth Vargas  covered the case from the very beginning, She joins Oprah from the ABC studio in NY. She says that she has never worked on a story that caused such outrage. The outrage was international; the victim was British, it happened in Italy and here in the US thousands of American families send their children overseas as exchange students. This has been a nightmarish ordeal for the Knox family, regardless of what you believe about Amanda’s guilt. There was an enormous amount of early publicity early in this case which later turned out to be untrue. For example she was in this sexy underwear store buying lingerie- Vargas was in that store, it was a Target essentially and Amanda couldn’t get home to get any of her clothes, so that makes sense. That story was sold along with the idea that she and Raffaele were planning a night of hot sex. Those kinds of stories gave a negative opinion of Amanda which never changed throughout the trial. In London the tabloids at least said Amanda Knox is guilty, but of what? Oprah says that the decision was unanimous. Elizabeth says that some jurors expressed sympathy for Amanda, for some reason, many Italians believe that she did something wrong, but they don’t know what- the fact that she said something in the interrogation then retracted it struck them as untrue. Elizabeth was struck by the early judgements on Amanda’s character that were not changed desppite a rigorous defence. During the prosecution it was like one side was saying the sky is blue while the other said that the sky is green, that’s how opposing the arguments were. An impartial expert was requested to reconcile the differences,and that request was denied. Italy gets jumpy when questions about sequestering, or the prosecutor etc arise. There was much resistance into looking at what might not have been a fair process.

Amanda has three younger sisters, Deanna, Ashley and Delaney. Deanna (21), the second-oldest, says her life has been put on hold since Amanda’s arrest. She wants Amanda back to be the older sister, she wants to be the best but Amanda is the best at being the older sister. Delaney (11) wants everything to have not happened, they won’t be a family until Amanda comes home. Ashley (15) cries because Amanda is not there, she stays strong for Amanda because she knows that she has to. She says its even harder on other people like her Dad and Edda and Amanda, she doesn’t want to say to her mom or dad that she’s sad because it makes them sad and then they worry about her and not Amanda which is who they should be worrying about. Oprah says that this says to all of us that a tragedy in the family focuses on one person but everyone is equally impacted.  Deanna says that her life is on hold, on pause. They’re all just in a waiting period, waiting for Amanda to come home. Deanna stopped going to college, she works full-time. She visits Ashley and Delaney and takes care of her parents as much as possible. She has to go on- the worst thing is when Amanda cries that her whole family’s eyes fill with tears, she doesn’t want them to cry for her. Deanna says she has be strong and keep her feelings inside for the sake of her family. Curt says that because he spends so much time in Italy, he isn’t always aware of what the other girls are going through. He knows Deanna has done a fantastic job keeping them up, and hopefully this will all be done soon and Amanda’ll get to come home and they’ll get to carry on with their lives. As the mom, Edda says that you want to take care of them, but they all worry about us. They’re all putting on brave faces for each other.

Every Friday night, Amandas friends sleep over at her house so they are all together for the Saturday morning call. Her family and friends gather at Edda’s house to be there for the call. The ten minutes goes by really quick. Deanna sleeps in Amanda’s bed every night after the call.The phone rings and the cameras are turned off.  Edda says Amanda sounded okay, she was upbeat. They go around the table and speak, it’s great to hear her voice. Saying goodbye is really hard, you want to talk forever. They asked to turn off the cameras because the footage would result in their calls being taken away from them. It is bittersweet to hear her, Amanda said tell Oprah hi, I love her. Edda’s eyes fill with tears, Oprah holds her hand. Amanda said  ’See if you can thank all the people that have written me or donated money to the defense fund or whatever,’ because she can’t. She doesn’t have enough time to write everybody back and she’s getting hundreds of letters from people, and she wanted to find a way to thank them. Oprah asks if Amanda is putting on a good face for them- Curt says yes, its nice to hear her voice. She’d always ask how they were doing , even when she was in the courtroom.  Curt’s eyes well up. Oprah asks about the 45 minutes when Amanda cried in Curts arms, Curt takes a few breaths and says trying to explain to your daughter why she is a position when she’s completely innocent… Edda says that you have to try to explain that Amanda is in the middle of this massive mistake that has to be fixed. They both say their hardest moments are trying to explain to Amanda why she is in this position.

Oprah wants to talk about MySpace pages- foxy knoxy was a name given to Amanda as a soccer-playing 8 year old – she put it up there for a joke, no one in her adult life called her that. The media took elements of her MySpacee page out of context to make her into someone that she was not. Oprah asks if they ever had a shadow of a doubt that Amanda could be guilty? Never. Did they ask her point blank? Edda says that she was the first to see Amanda after the arrest and she was confused. Once Amanda told her what had hapened, it was clarified- it was a mistake that had to be cleared up. Amanda has always maintained point blank that she had nothing to do with this, that Meredith was her friend, they were great friends.

Oprah asks if they have spoken  to the family of Meredith Kercher. Curt says that during interviews, they’ve tried to express their condolences and the sorrow for the loss of their daughter. The Kercher’s have experienced the worst phone call a parent could ever have. They still have a chance with Amanda. The Kercher’s don’t with their daughter, and until they know that Amanda had nothing to do with it, Curt doesn’t know how he would feel as a parent receiving that type of call. Edda says that lawyers say that now is not the time.

Amanda’s parents are now looking to the future and trying to plan how they will free their daughter. They are hoping that a document from the jury on why they found her guilty will help their cause. Curt says ”We’re waiting for this motivation document, from there, that will allow us to draft the appeal and approach how we’re going to go about it.” The lawyer says that this case makes no legal or common sense. He likes to believe that it shouldn’t matter where the prosecution takes place, there is simply insufficient evidence.  If you believe the theory that in 3 weeks Amanda went to Italy and turned into satanic ritualistic murderer, if you can get past that you’ll realise there is no forensic evidence that Amanda had anything to do with the murder. This has been a horrible experience for the family.

On the day that Amanda Knox was sentenced, Meredith Kercher’s brother, Lyle, made this statement: “Ultimately, we are pleased with the decision, pleased that we’ve got a decision, but it’s not a time for celebration. At the end of the day,its not a moment of triumph, at the end of the day we’re all gathered here because our sister was brutally murdered and taken away from us.”

Oprah says thank you all for being here.We’re all mindful that at the heart of the story is the tragic and senseless death of Meredith Kercher; we’d also like to wish her family much  peace. Another reason to stop talking in your hands free cell phone  in your car- 600,000 traffic accidents happen a year as a result of talking on the phone according to a Harvard study. Go online and take the no phone zone pledge. Bye everybody and thanks to Delaney and Ashley for taking part in the show.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

In Italy jurors are not sequestered

Oprah says if you want to be tried, get tried in the USA.

The prosecutor in this case labored under an indictment for abuse of office during the entire pendency of Amanda’s case and was ultimately convicted.

There was no hair, no fiber, no footprint, no shoe print, no hand print, no palm print, no fingerprint, no saliva, no sweat, no cells, no blood, no DNA of Amanda Knox in the room where Meredith Kercher was found or on her body.

A tragedy in the family focuses on one person but everyone is equally impacted.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

In the US we are used to having two sides to every story, over there, pretty much anyone can make up anything and they’ll print it in the papers.

Date: February 17th, 2010
File Under: Family, Public Service Announcement, Tragedy

Episode 29: Serial Killer John Wayne Gacy’s Sister & Mass Murderer Jim Jones’ Son Speak Out

We’ve all heard the expression don’t drink the Kool-Aid which means don’t follow the crowd, think for yourself. Do you know where the expression comes from? It comes from the  1978 Jonestown Massacre where more than 900 people drank a Kool-Aid-like beverage laced with cyanide. 900 people, that’s the audience members multiplied by three. 900 people. It was the biggest mass murder suicide in modern history, and it was masterminded by Jim Jones, the leader of the People’s Temple. In 1956 Jones was a young and dynamic preacher with a radical voice for the times; he preached total equality. He created his own church in Indiana and called it the People’s Temple. He stood for divine principles: Total equality. A society where people own all things in common, where there is no rich or poor, where there are no races.He and his wife  had what they called a Rainbow Family with their kids-  2 kids from South Korea, an African American kid,  and one homegrown kid. in 1965, Jones moved his family and the People’s Temple to progressive California. It was the 60’s, and the People’s Temple had what many were seeking, they spoke of what people had in their hearts- the government was not taking care of people, there were too many poor people and poor children. When Garrett Lambrev  joined the People’s Temple in 1965, there were 81 members, five years later there were 1000’s of members. As the movement grew, so did Jones’ demands. Followers signed over their paychecks, their life saving and even their homes. In the 70’s, Jones claimed he could miraculously heal the sick. A darker side of Jones was emerging, and rumors of physical and sexual abuse began to spread. Laura Johnston Kohl says that people were spanked, slapped and beaten in meetings. Jones sent an advanced team to the jungles of Guyana, South America, to build their utopia, Jonestown, far away from media and government scrutiny.

In 1977, with Jonestown almost complete, Jones ordered his followers to Guyana, and nearly 1000 people dropped everything and moved with him to where they believe heaven on earth awaited them. The followers thought it loooked like freedom. The community was well planned with a school, clinic and communal  kitchen. But as Jonestown flourished, their leader grew increasingly bizarre. There was a speaker system that only Jones spoke on. He would tape himself and play it over and over, 24 hours a day. In the summer of 1978, it was noticed that Jones was getting sicker. It was widely rumored that he was abusing drugs.  His tirades were getting more and more frantic and he seemed to be getting more insane. Back in the States, former church members began complaining that Jones was keeping their loved ones against their will. Californian congressman, Leo Ryan flew to Jonestown with a handful of reporters. The People’s Temple welcomed them to the party. But later that evening a Jonestown resident passed a note to a reporter saying that he was being held against his will. The next morning, more and more defectors came forward. Though Jones appeared calm in front of the cameras, behind the scenes he had ordered his avenging angels, as he called them, to take action. They ambushed the Congressman and his crew at the airstrip. Congressman Ryan and four others were killed in a shootout. Back at Jonestown, Jones called an emergency meeting where he announced that the Congressman was dead. He stated that as they wouldn’t live in peace, they should die in peace. Jones presented to his followers a large metal vat filled with a cyanide-laced beverage. First mothers were ordered to give it to their children and then drink it themselves.  ”Die with respect, Die with a degree of dignity” Jones urged them. “Mother please, put down your life with your child”. Tim Carter is one of only 7 who survived the mass suicide. He looked to his right and saw his wife with their son in her arms and poison being injected into his mouth, and his son was dead, and he was frothing at the mouth. His wife died in his arms, and their son was in her arms. All Tim could say was I love you, over and over. Jim Jones Jr lost his wife, his unborn child and his mother and father.

Oprah says it still seems unbelievable that 909 people including nearly 300 children died that day, and a further 5 at the airstrip. Jim Jones Jr was not there that day, he is here in the studio today. Jones preached to his followers about dying a peaceful and dignified death. This is what a death by Potassium Cyanide does to the body. The deadly poison attacks the nervous system, starving the body of oxygen. Unable to breathe, victims die of suffocation, eventually their organs shutdown. Eye-witnesses at Jonestown reported seeing the poisoned people going into violent convulsions, their faces twisted and foam coming out of their mouths. It took about 5 minutes to die their agonizing deaths.

They came to take newborn babies out of their mother’s arms. Jones said “Bring the vat, the vat, the vat, lay it here so that the adults may begin”. They were slaughtered says Tim. There was nothing dignified, it was senseless waste and death. Rev Jim Jones, his wife, 2 of their children and 5 of their grandchildren died that day. 3 of their sons were spared. Jim Jones Jr and his two brothers were in Georgetown, 150 miles away with the basketball team when he got his father’s call. His father spoke of visiting Ms Frazier, which was code for suicide. Jim couldn’t believe what Jones planed to do, he asked if there was another way. His father told them to find knives or piano wire or whatever they could to commit suicide. When Jim received those instructions he didn’t kill himself, he didn’t believe and couldnt understand what was happening. He didn’t know if his family would drink the Kool-Aid. At the time he was 18. They went to the US embassy to find what was going on, they hoped they could stop it. In Jonestown prior to this, the community had practiced drills of suicide- which were tests of loyalty where people would pledge their allegiance to the cause. The cause was the non-isms; non-racism, non-sexism, non ageism. The class system coming out of the 70’s of haves and have nots was opposite to the utopian society of the Pople’s Temple. People believed that they would create a whole new world. They had the whole gamut of intelligence, and 70% African Americans. Jim was adopted by Jones when he was 10 weeks old. The story goes that he was the first African American kid to be adopted by a caucasian family. Jones was his father, and Jim loved him. He took pride in his father. Oprah asks was it difficult being the first black kid in a white family? He says no, he didn’t know. There were Koreans in the family and Jim Jr just thought that he had a better tan. He had two Korean siblings,  and Homemade the blond blue eyed natural son. There was no race at the church, they were a rainbow family.

Even Jones’ voice was becoming slurred towards the end. During the last year he was becoming detached and crazy. Jim Jr was probably the last to see it- he didnt want to see it. Jones had multiple affairs and mistresses which happened for years prior to Jonestown. As a child they’d go on holiday for a week with their father and a mistress, and then their mother would join them for the second week. His mother was aware. Jim Jr was told that the women needed his father. He was resentful, but felt that he had to do it for the people to build the new world. He says that he drank the Kool-Aid before; he was indoctrinated into believing, that was his bubble. Oprah asks why would 900 people agree to do that? Jim Jr cant answer but he can try and explain the mindset. The 900 people were told that the Congressman had been shot. They were told that their community would be invaded and their  children would be taken away. Jones’ words were that they needed to lay down their lives in protest. He had the children ingest the cyanide first, very manipulatively. Jim Jr says he has 3 boys and if he watched them die, why would he want to live? Jones created that vacuum. When you see the syringes and needles, he doesn’t think everyone lined up willingly. Oprah clarifies that people were made to do it against their will, and that guards were there to shoot people if they didn’t comply. Jim Jr’s brother, sister, mother , father, wife and unborn child all died. For Jim Jr there was no reason to live. He came back to the States and went by James Jones for many years. 15 years later  he worked his way up to be the Director of a Cardio Pulmonary Department in a hospital. Because of the acronyms behind his name, they shortened his name to Jim. As he walked up to his great new job he was faced with the name Jim Jones and he realised that Jim Jones Jr is who he is. He faced up to the fact that he was part of a community trying to build  a brave new world. They tried and failed, but he can’t hide from who he is. He doesn’t hate his father, he has forgiven him. Was Jones mentally ill or on drugs? Oprah asks. The mental illness was exacerbated by the drug abuse and his power which was never challenged. Jones spiraled out of control, self destructed and took 900 people with him.

In 1998, Jim Jr went back to Jonestown and took his sons with him, he wanted to give them the foundation of what kind of world they were trying to create. When he got to Jonestown, looking for answers to his questions the only thing he could find was the tin vat that the KoolAid was stored in. The grass had grown over it. At that point he realised that he couldn’t have answers but he had to figure out how to get on with his life from that point. Oprah asks if he would have drunk the Kool-Aid that day, he can’t say he wouldn’t have if his wife and family had all taken it. The 900 people had already been brainwashed, practicing suicide raids, they were  already indoctrinated. To kill the children first was a strategy. Oprah says again, it is incomprehensible that any mother would feed their child cyanide.

Jim Jr says that basketball saved his life twice. 15-18 years after Jonestown he hit rock bottom and found solace in alcohol and drugs. He became emotionally unavailable to his wife and children to the stage where his wife was willing to leave him and take the kids. To save his family he got clean and found something that his son gave him as a gift that they could connect upon, basketball. He’d denied himself basketball because of guilt, and that saved him. When people says sports save their life, Jim Jr says it saved his life twice. Jim’s oldest son Rob is making a name for himself on the basketball court. For years Jim Jr was defined as the son of Jim Jones. Now he’s known as the father of his son Rob, with great pride and honor. Oprah says that’s really great.

Jim Jr shared many stories with his kids about their grandfather;  trips they went on, playing ball. Some of his sons friends came up to Rob and said they just learned about his grandfather in history class. And Rob said, yeah, that was my Grandfather. To Rob it’s just stories. Oprah says she finds it hard to believe that there is no guilt, shame and resentent connected to… that it would be easy to dismiss the first 17 years of his life, banish it and move on. Jim Jr says he wanted to embrace it for both himself and his children. Oprah asks why. He embraces it because then he doesn’t have to  hide from it. Oprah says that is so good and that we can learn alot from him. He says that there is no stigma for his children. Oprah says that everyone has something in their past that they are embarrassed by, or ashamed of, something that a family member has done. Jim Jr is proof that you don’t have to let the past be a burden. He says it is by the Grace of God and a great wife. Oprah says listen to your wife, Jim Jr laughs. Thank you Jim and to CBS for some of the footage they used to tell this story.

John Wayne Gacy’s sister is not recognised by her background- she had to bury that part of her life. She likes to talk about the brother that she knew, who was kind and loving and a great loving uncle to her children who they dearly loved and dearly remember. Karen’s brother was one of the most horrific serial killers of all time. Anyone under 35 may not remember the grizzly story before his arrest in 1978. He was one of the carziest and scariest human beings because he functioned in society. At 25 years old, John Wayne Gacy was a family man with a wife and 2 children. He ran a successful business and was well respected. One afternoon he invited a 15 year old boy to his home and molested him. In 1968 he was arrested and convicted of sodomy. He received 10 years, the maximum sentence, at the State Penitentiary. His wife divorced him and took the children who he never saw again. While in prison, he was a model prisoner, he was the head cook and sang in the choir. After 18 months he was released on good behaviour. Returning to his home town of Chicago, determined to rebuild his life, he started a contracting business. He remarried and volunteered at charitable events as Pogo the Clown. His family believed that when his second marriage failed, something in him snapped. He began to abduct young men and boys, raping and murdering them. Police never suspected anything until 1978 when he was reported as the last person seen with a young boy. Investigators were shocked when he admitted to throwing five bodies in the river and he drew a map showing where more than 2 dozen bodies were buried in a crawl space beneath his home and garage. He was found guilty of murdering 33 young men and boys, he received the death penalty and died by lethal injection in 1994.

Gacy’s sister Karen shows her favorite photo of them together as children with their older sister Joanne. John and her were best friends and did everything together. He liked gardening, baking and cooking, not stereotypical male activities of the time. It bothered their father who would bring it up when he drank. Her father would call John a  sissy, and he was a mean drunk. John felt that he never lived up to his father’s expectations which went all the way up until he married and had a son and daughter. He was arrested about 18 months later and was accused of sodomy with a minor- he always insisted that he was innocent and he was framed. Karen believed him and says that she has often wondered if they hadn’t believed him so easily that his life may have turned out differently.

In 1978 the remains of at least 27 bodies were found under Gacy’s house. Karen says that there was always a musty smell at the house, When he was arrested, she couldn’t believe that he was capable of killing all the people. An attorney called to tell her, she spoke to John and he admitted that he did it. Neither she nor her husband could believe it. He wasn’t the person that they knew, who was good and kind and loving. Gacy recanted his confession and maintained that he was innocent until his execution, but he did tell Karen initially that he did it. In jail she asked him how he didn’t know that the bodies were under their mothers house. He said he didn’t kill all of them but maybe one or two. She told him that if he killed one, he killed them all;  you can’t kill one and not be guilty. She was so angry at what he had done to their family and children. She could have socked him because she didn’t know that about him.

Oprah asks if he killed things as a boy, like animals, or other traits of serial killers? Karen says no, nothing like that, he was good to their dogs, there were no signs of anything. Oprah asks if he was trying to hide his homosexuality or bisexuality? In Iowa, Karen and her husband and their oldest daughter visited him and they went to a function together. Gacy said don’t be upset if they don’t go home with each other. Gacy went home with the wife of a couple who was with them, and the husband went home with them. Karen never set foot in their house again. She said what in the world is going on, and he said it was nothing. She’d never heard anything about him with another man. Oprah asks what the family thought when he was jailed for sodomy of a 15 year old boy? He said it was consensual. Her mom told her later that as a child he was molested, and she is not trying to use that as a justification for what he did. Oprah says that if everyone who was molested ended up killing people and putting them in a crawlspace, we wouldn’t have a world. Karen agrees.

Karen was with John the hours before his execution. The chief prosecutor felt he got an easier death than he deserved. Leaving the prison and knowing she’d never see him again was really hard. It was a nightmare. You could hear the people chanting. No one ever called her to say Im sorry for your loss after he was executed.  Oprah asks what it was like to spend the day before the execution with her brother. He was at peace with it, he said he’d rather be dead than live in prison for the rest of his life. They show a photo of them hugging, taken hours before he was transferred for execution. Karen sees that people may find it hard to believe that she would hug him, but she says that he was her brother. She never knew the evil part of him. She hates that part of him and she told her family that if any appeal ever worked, she’d see to it that he’d never walk the face of the earth again. She never spoke to the victims families, she was not allowed to by attorneys because it was tantamount to admitting that he was guilty. She feels remorse about that. She only told her boss last week who her brother was. The name Gacy has disappeared, she never uses her maiden name. After 31 years of hiding her past, never mentioning that she has a brother, living in a closet, to allow her children and grandchildren a  normal life, she is ready  to reveal herself to her neighbors on Oprah. The last thing that she said to her brother was that she loved him and forgave him for the the stuff that he… not the crime, she could never forgive that, but for what they were put through.

Oprah thanks her and says it is interesting to hear from people who have to carry on their lives when they are related to some of the most infamous and reviled people in history. Remember to make your car a no-phone zone; no one else needs to die because people are stupidly texting. Thank you.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:
909 people died in Jonestown including almost 300 children in the biggest mass murder suicide in modern history, masterminded by Jim Jones.

Jim Jones Jr, the son of Jim Jones has forgiven his dad because they were trying to create a utopian ideal.

Jim Jones Jr has embraced his father’s legacy so that to his children, this particular history is just stories.

John Wayne Gacy, a seemingly functional member of society abducted, raped and murdered 33 yound men and boys.

Karen, sister of Gacy saw no warning signs in her brother, and has forgiven him, but not his crime.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Even the most reviled, infamous people in history can find  forgiveness from their family.

Date: February 15th, 2010
File Under: Betrayal, Family, Public Service Announcement, Relationships, Tragedy

Episode 27: Raped By His Mother- A Victim Comes Forward

Last Monday Oprah talked to 4 child molesters, who revealed in chilling detail how they lured children into their sick world. What they did was evil, but what they said can help your children. Today we turn your view of child molestation upside down when we look at what happens when the molesters are women, even mothers. This is Gregg Milligan’s graphic recount of what he went through every single day as a boy. This was his childhood home where he and his oldest brother and younger sister lived with their mother. He didn’t know his father, his mother was his whole world. The physical abuse started long before the sexual abuse. When he was 8 years old he was fondled and touched by his mother, and he was made to touch her. When perhaps she thought she could take it further, she did, she’d make him have sex with her, moving his body agains hers. If he didn’t respond physically he would be beaten and choked and  thrown from the bedroom. He had to help her reach orgasm – until that happened he was her prisoner in her bed and she’d make an awful screaching sound when she reached orgasm, then she’d hit him and push him. When he went to bed at night he couldn’t get the smell of her of his hands. By the time he was 9 or 10 it felt consensual, he wanted to die, to be rid of this ugly feeling of being his mother’s lover.

Back in the studio Oprah says we are talking here about a ten year old boy. Gregg’s mother died nearly 14 years ago but he recently came out the shadows to tell his story. We don’t hear about mother-son abuse much, but it does happen. She asks Gregg about the sense that the abuse felt consensual- was that because it was pleasurable? He says it was never pleasurable, it was always awful, but his body started to respond to the stimulus. As he grew older and his body matured, he responded physically with an erection. He couldn’t differentiate between the biological and the mental response. Oprah asks if he thought it was normal? He says yes. Oprah qualifies that you don’t have a language for it as an abused child. Later as an adult you can articulate it, but as a child he thought all boys had this relationship with their mothers. Oprah asks if there was any seduction? He says the beatings were consistent, and the sexual abuse started the same way but when the sexual abuse started he would be told mother needs you, rather than shouted at to stand still. It was manipulative and gentle. The beatings were worse if she didn’t reach orgasm- he tried hard to help her orgasm quickly so he could go back to his room. Oprah says part of the shame of abuse is because there is some pleasure; being touched is supposed to feel good and that’s why we are all doing it. As a child, the newly aroused feelings are confusing. Greg says if his mother had been gentle and kind and sweet he is sure it would have been diffeerent. But because of the brutality of the physical abuse it was very different. Her anger if she didnt reach orgasm, and the dismissiveness with which she told him to get out if she did reach orgasm was always there. After she’d reached orgasm, she’d say that he did it to her, that he seduced her and that this was his doing. He believed that and was completely confused. He thought that this was love at first. Oprah asks for a picture of him to be shown on screen at age 8 or 10. She asks that everyone who feels responsible for their abuse to look at a picture of themself at the age it happened and ask what a child of that age could have done to stop the abuse. Gregg sees a young boy who was given no choice but to allow this to happen in his photo. He couldn’t have stopped it and wouldn’t have stopped it- his mother was the center of his universe and he loved her. Oprah reiterates her stance that  molesters in the bushes do exist but mainly it is friends and relatives who are the abusers.

Gregg says as a child he was physically tortured and violently raped by his mother. 35 years later he is still tortured by his past. He is working on it, but at age 46 he is still trapped inside his childhood house. What was taken from Gregg and any abused child will be gone forever. Part of him was taken and died- the innocence that every child deserves was taken. Before age 11 there was no one that he could have told. There were teachers but he was desperately afraid of his mother. She was his only parent, she was feared by her kids and in the neighborhood. It wasn’t just the fear of his mother, it was the absolute shame that this was taking place. Even today Oprah asks which is easier to say, that he was abused or that he had sex with his mother? He says abused. It is easier to admit to physical abuse rather than sexual abuse. Oprah says that  in all these years, Gregg is the first person she has spoken to who was forced to have had actual physical intercourse with his mother at such a young age, and that is interesting for her to talk about what that experience does to you as a person. The experience itself was that his mother had control of his body- they were both small people, close to emaciated, and she would control his physical body to pleasure her. It was worse than the physical abuse- it forced him to shut off what was happening. He had to pretend that it wasn’t his mother doing this because she was the only person that he had in this world. He needed his mom. Oprah says the stories behind the smiles are never revealed in childhood photos. Gregg wanted them to think he was normal, he craved normalcy and acceptance to be like the other children.

After a year of being raped by his mother, the abuse took a turn for the worse. His mother frequently prostituted herself at local pubs, soliciting men in the neighborhood. The men soon followed for Gregg- his mother would justify prostituting him out by saying if he didn’t they’d go hungry, lose the house and be out on the street. She said that if he didn’t comply the men would come back and cut off his genitals, and Gregg believed her. Oprah says his mother sounds like a monster. He recalls his mother prostituting herself when he was seven. Oprah wants Gregg’s information to help viewers. Kids don’t have the words- so asking them if they have been molested is unhelpful as they dont understand the concept. Greg was 8-9 the first time; a man came over, money changed hands and his mother left. The man undressed him and performed fellatio, He struggled desperately to not let his body respond to the stimulus. It worked that time and the man, frustrated, left. It became worse when he got older and couldn’t always control the biological response to the stimulus. That was the worst when he got an erection, then it felt like it was his fault, that he wanted it. Oprah says she so understands that. Oprah asks if he understands that the little boy in the photo could not possibly be responsible. He understands now, but it took years. Oprah says that the abusers use your biological response to justify their behavior, to say that you liked it. His mother would convince him that it wouldn’t have happened had he not responded sexually, with her or the other men. Oprah says that this is horrific and that his mother was obviously a damaged person with a lot of  pain in her life and no ability to love her children. But  in all cases, the sexual act itself is minor compared to the emotional and spiritual damage done. Gregg agrees wholeheartedly. The shame is crushing and is what destroys you. The shame changes what you are as a human being. It caused Gregg to act and react differently. He withheld emotionally and academically. He was afraid to play with other young boys- his mother would say he was immoral, homosexual and perverted. He believed that it was not normal behaviour  to find affection or friendship. Oprah asks if he finds it is a marvel that he is alive and and sane and able to marry and have a life beyond this? Greg say that there is definitely something bigger and better than all of this out there.

In the photo album of his childhood, Gregg and his siblings have forced smiles- if you look closely you’ll see bruises, scars, greasy hair, unkempt clothes and fear. Fear is exactly what the abusers want you to feel. No one in the neighborhood ever stepped in to help. Neighbors saw what their mother did to the kids, and they’d tell their own kids to stay away  from the family, further ostracizing them from the rest of the neighborhood. Due to her advanced alcoholism, she could no no longer control  her bowels, so she would walk up and down the street urinating and defecating while screaming obscenities. Kids would ask if his mother was the whore, the crazy woman? There were obvious signs that he was abused- he was emaciated, his clothing smelled awful. His nicknames were stinky, smelly, brains- because he couldnt read write or tell the time. If you really want to hurt someone, make a joke that a boy is having sex with his mother. It was meant in jest, no one could fathom that it would be true, but it was.  Oprah asks what he would do when that joke was made? Gregg would laugh along to appear as normal as possible. Oprah says every child wants to fit in and be normal. Greg just wanted to fit in and be normal, even though he couldn’t tell the time at age 10.

Gregg’s sister April is here, she was also sexually abused by their mother. She is two years younger than Gregg. April knew something was going on with Gregg, but she was instructed to stay in her room at all times. Her mom would come and grab her hand and take her to her bedroom. To April it was spending time with mom. Her mom would make April fondle her mother’s vagina, and she would do the same to April. This went on for a couple of years until Gregg stepped in, thank god. Her saviour saved her life. He said no more, you’re not going to abuse my sister so he took the abuse. A man came to the house when he was about 9 and april was 7. Money changed hands and Gregg assumed the man was there for him or his mother. But his mother called April out the room  which had never happened. She then instructed Gregg to follow her to her room. Gregg grabbed april, his mother grabbed him and slammed him against the wall. Gregg told April to hide, and he went to the living room and he had to be abused by the man instead, while his mother went to her room. He says it was the best decision that he ever made. She never tried to prostitute April again. He was beaten after the man left yet Gregg said he would never let it happen again. He would always insert himself into the situation so that April never had to do this. April knew he was protecting her, she knew as a child that something was not right- with regards to touching and private areas. She knew with her mother that the sexual abuse was wrong, she was afraid of her, she would try and hide. She knew when a man arrived that it was not a good feeling.

Gregg says the house always smelled of sex and alcohol. He had to get all three of the kids out because one day he wouldn’t be there and April would be raped and it would be his fault. When Gregg was 11, they were removed from the home and the abuse stopped. The shame went on for years after. Greg spent two weeks stealing money from his mother’s purse to run down to the corner store and use the payphone to call and say you have to help us, you have to get us out of here to an older sister. After two weeks, a sister did come and physically remove them from the house. Their mother died in 1996. Oprah asks how their relationship was. Gregg worried about her, he loved her very much but avoided her because he was afraid of her. Preparing for this show, he saw a photo of his mom at his college graduation,standing next to him.  He didn’t remember her being there , he cut her from his life entirely, didn’t communicate with her. He was still afraid of her as an adult. Oprah says that when you’ve been abused by someone you love and trust, it is very confusing as children love even the abuser. It is hard to understand but it is confusing and shameful for the abused.

Every nightmare starts the same, Gregg feels his mother forcing him to have sex with him, he sees her face, he can smell her breath of wine and whisky. He wakes up clawing at the bed; screaming, weeping, shouting out.  The dreams are vivid and real and they are every night. Gregg’s wife Sarah is in the studio. She says Gregg will cry out and struggle in his sleep, he makes choked out, fearful cries. She sometimes wakes him up or she’ll hold him. Oprah asks how you begin to put a life back together with the shame and the guilt. Oprah says she’s speaking in broad generalities, and she knows that, but many people cannot have  intimate communication and for others it goes the opposite way. Oprah became a promiscuous teenager, looking for love in all the wrong places. For Gregg, as a teenager and into his 20’s he became very promiscuous with multiple relationships and short relationships. Sarah and Gregg met at work and she heard about all this maybe a year or so into the relationship. Oprah says this is enough to make you pack your bags and run, and Sarah says no, never. Gregg was very quiet at first, he was fearful of the shame of telling, afraid to tell her. He was scared that she would judge him or find him perverted. The trust and love he had for his abuser, an unhealthy love, had to become a safe healthy trust and love for someone else. Oprah says the ramifications of being abused by someone as close to you as your mother means that you simply don’t know how to love. You don’t trust anyone.

Despite everything that happened to Gregg before his 12th birthday, he went on to graduate high school, college and got his master’s degree. The crowd applaud. Education saved him by allowing him to be more independent and functional, a contributing member of society and people started to pay attention to  him when he spoke,especially when he asked for help. He has a 23 year old son who is in the audience, Gregg the second. Oprah asks how it feels to hear this- it makes him, sad, he loves his dad and he’s a great father who is easy to talk to. Oprah asks Gregg if fatherhood helped him heal- absolutely, one of his greatest fears was turning out like his parents. To be able to raise his son with love and no violence, it affirmed to Gregg that it might be ok, that it can be done. Oprah says that it is a choice; every abused child does not have to choose to become an abuser. Gregg says we need more people to make that choice. Oprah thanks everyone for being here. Gregg is the spokesperson for RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. If anybody who has heard this story today wants to talk about what has happened in their life or what is happening in someone’s life, the number is on the screen. There is a reason why the last 4 digits spell Hope. 1-800-656-HOPE. Before they go, photographs of 12 year old Joe from Spring Lake Michigan are shown onscreen. A driver on a cellphone ran a red light and killed this little boy. Joe is not here to speak for himself so Oprah asks us all to take the pledge and please do not use phones in the car.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

The stories behind the smiles are never revealed from childhood photos.

The innocence that every child deserves is taken by sexual abuse.

Kids don’t have the right words- so asking them if they have been molested is unhelpful as they don’t understand the concept.

Every child wants to fit in and be normal.

It is a choice, every abused child does not choose to become an abuser

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

The shame of sexual abuse is crushing and is what destroys you. The shame changes what you are as a human being.

Date: February 2nd, 2010
File Under: Family, Relationships, Tragedy

Episode 18: The Children of Elizabeth Smart’s Kidnapper Speak Out

This family portrait of 1981 shows a family of six, with the mother a homemaker and organist in the church. Two decades later, she was part of one of  the most infamous kidnappings of our time, the abduction of Elizabeth Smart. It was almost 8 years ago, 2002, when 14 year old Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped by knifepoint in her bedroom. Her sister Mary Catherine, age 9, witnessed the abduction but pretended to sleep. 4 months later, Mary Catherine had a memory from that night, and the name Emmanuel came into her head. The family recalled they had hired a man named Emmanuel to do work around their house. They worked witha  sketch artist to create an image and a woman came forward identifying the man as Brian David Mitchell, a self-proclaimed profit. The tipster said he would likely be with his wife f 17 years, Wanda Barzee. She was right- a month later, Brian and Wanda were spotted wandering the streets of Salt Lake City with Elizabeth.

Elizabeth’s ordeal was finally over. She is now 22 years old and a few months ago she testified that Mitchell chained her to a tree and raped her repeatedly for the duration of her captivity. He pled not guilty and a judge is deliberating whether he is competent to stand trial. Last year, Wanda Barzee pled guilty to kidnapping and unlawful transportation of a minor. She is confined to a state hospital and is yet to be sentenced.

Wanda Barzee’s 6 children are not surprised that their mom could do something so evil- they say that they were her first victims. A video shows them going to the home they grew up in, they haven’t been back in years. Louree says their  family appeared normal outside, but inside everything changed. Rhonda said their father was over-controlling and abusive. Derrick learned how to fend for himself from age 8, he’d find his refuge in the back yard. Their mom would lock food up in the pantry for a couple of days to torment them. The dog loved them unconditionally, so Louree would hide with her dog in the doghouse, snuggle for warmth and eat dogfood. Derrick would roast on a stick whatever animal he could shoot with his BB gun. Their mom would take them upstairs and brainwash them each that the family would be better off without them, if they were dead. Andrea says she preferred the physical abuse to this mental abuse, these scars have remained. She robbed them of their childhood and innocence.

Rhonda, Derrick, Louree and Andrea are in the studio, 4 of 6 of Wanda’s children. Andrea is on the show to reveal the monster that is her mother, she does not like the media portrayal that Barzee is a vicitim of Mitchell. She thinks that she has been sympathetically portrayed as a psychological victim, Andrea wants to show that Barzee had issues before she ever met Mitchell. They were a bad match, each with their own psychological issues; they fed on each other. As children, they received physical abuse from their father, but also physical and medical neglect and prevalent emotional abuse. Outside appearances, meant that they looked like the Brady brunch, like a good Mormom family. Derrick says they had no sense of right or wrong, he was on his way to prison. Oprah says that as a child you don’t know what you need to develop. Derek craved love. Andrea says kids need structure, knowing they’ll still be loved no matter what. As kids, they never knew what was coming. Andrea did not know their life wasn’t normal until she visited someone else’s home. She went on a camping trip with another family and it was heaven, she realised that she did not care to be at home. She then took on the role of protector. Louree was the baby, when the others could get out and hide from the abuse, she couldn’t fend  for herself in the same way. Things were lost by the time she was born. The divorce happened in 1984, then Wanda who has always been depressed and psychologically abusive did have an emotional breakdown. When Andrea started to stand up for her siblings, she got the most physical abuse from mom and dad. They were all terrified of their dad- he declined the Oprah Winfrey Show’s request to be interviewed.

Oprah asks the siblings what they feel their mother’s sentence should be. Andrea doesn’t think her mother should see the light of day ever again, as a mother and citizen herself. Louree says that her mom is getting the right medication which is a good thing, now that she had accepted her part in this after years of untreated metal illness. Derrick says he is undecided. The eldest daughter had a hard time believing that her mom had any part of the ordeal, until she pled guilty. As the oldest of 6, Rhonda had a different feeling for her mom, she was closer to her- she was the first one, the golden child. She doesn’t remember her mother being abusive to her, they did cooking and baking and Wanda made all their clothes. Oprah reiterates that each child in every family has a different experience within that family. They haven’t seen each other for a long time, they need to respect how they each feel with regards to their upbringing. Rhonda is trying to remember the good.

Wanda was married to their father for 21years, then she  remarried Brian David Mitchell the next year. Rhonda got a creepy feeling from the first hug. Derrick says that everyone got that same feeling from Mitchell’s stare and mannerisms. In a video,  Rhonda says that originally Wanda and Brian seemed to be a happy couple. Derrick says he looked normal, but was weird, he had odd mannerisms. Louree was forced to pray with the couple for 2-4 hours a day. Once Brian nudged her and showed her some photos of nude women, but she closed her eyes. Louree said it seems that he was trying to get her to participate with them that day. The final straw before she moved out came when she asked what was for dinner one day. Her mom said chicken. Neither mom nor Brian touched their food, they were kind of picking at a salad, but Wanda sat smiling. The next day when she went to feed her rabbit Peaches, she wasn’t there. She asked her mom where the rabbit was, and she was told that she’d eaten her last night for dinner.

Back in the studio, Oprah says sitting at the dinner table, finding out you’re eating your pet rabbit, when you’re 14 years old. Louree said she couldn’t stay any more, the rabbit was the final straw in the mental torment. The control was too much; the windows were screwed from the outside, the TV was locked to National Geographic, she had to work from age 12, or was expected to only do church activities. Oprah asked if it also felt weird to hug their father- Derrick said their father never hugged them. The family dispersed, and then watching TV they found out that there mother was suspected of kidnapping Elizabeth Smart.

Back in 1991, Derrick heard that his mom and Brian had hit the road to preach, in an attempt to get closer to god. Wanda disowned her children. When Derrick’s son was about 8 years old, they ran into Wanda and Brian in a parking lot, he tried to introduce his son to his grandmother, and Wanda and Brian completely ignored them. On the 4th July, Louree and her daughter saw Wanda and Brian sitting under a tree, she went over to ask her mom how she was doing. Wanda grabbed her face, screamed that her father was evil, and then yelled scriptures at Louree. Rhonda saw them once at the grocery store, wearing robes holding a sack of potatoes- she couldn’t believe what she saw. Oprah says its interesting that Derrick wanted to introduce his son to Wanda after everything that happened. He says he wanted to connect and hoped his son would be able to, but it wasn’t to be. Derrick learned of the Elizabeth Smart crime on TV – he saw Brian’s profile on America’s Most Wanted. All the ill-feelings he’d had towards Brian clicked just then, and he wanted to find him and bring him to justice. He wanted to drag him by his beard to the police station. He knew 100% their mother had to be involved. Andrea was helping her foster parents move, and was told- later that night she called the police and had an interiew. The whole family gave the police tips as to where Brian and Wanda might be found.

Oprah asks why they went after Elizabeth Smart?  Louree says that she thinks they wanted to start their own religious cult. Brian was power-hungry within the church  and he couldn’t go much further within the church, and he wanted more. Rhonda got a letter from her mother recently. Andrea and Louree don’t stay in communication with their mother, Derrick has received a couple of things but he’s thrown them away; it’s too little, too late. Rhonda as the oldest didn’t believe it at first, she thought that maybe Wanda was the victim, she never spoke up for herself. They saw Brian and Wanda at their grandparents funeral, just before the kidnapping. Brian was yelling and screaming repent, and Wanda was walking quietly beside him. They felt she just followed him. Rhonda thinks she’s his victim because she wants to be. Rhonda thinks her mother should share responsibility for her actions.

Rhonda reads from a recent letter which says Wanda has boundless love for all her kids. Wanda is so very sorry for the lives of abuse, and that they have had to live without a mother or grandmother to their children. It is Wanda’s constant prayer that each of them may find it in their heart to forgive their mother, each is so precious to her. Louree shakes her head. Rhonda and Andrea cry. Louree says it makes her sick, everyone wants a mother’s love, and Wanda was never a mother. It makes her angry that now it’s too late. Usually you get either a mother or father which loves you, and they had neither. Derrick says as children there was a taboo around mentioning their mother’s sickness, and that now after a lifetime of suffering, their mother is getting the treatment she needs but their is a chasm between them to bridge. They don’t know how to do it. Andrea says its hard when there is nothing to model off or build a foundation.  She feels that Wanda doesn’t deserve the title of mother. A mother should nurture, teach, rear, uplift, comfort and love your children unconditionally. Oprah agrees that it is the hardest job on the world when it is done well. Andrea has a 22 year old son and a 19 year old daughter. Her son is the same age as Elizabeth Smart. Two weeks or so before the kidnapping, Wanda and Brian turned up at Andrea’s door, to try and enlist her as another wife. It was an interesting experience and she asked them to leave. As an adult she was able to control her own environment in a way she couldn’t as a child. They had sat down and talked about their gospel and Brian’s part in it as a messenger, and how they really wanted Andrea to take part in it. Andrea asked them to leave and they got up. Wanda asked for a hug and Andrea refused and said no but you can have a nice life.

Oprah goes back to ask Louree about the praying and the nude pictures- was there any abuse from Brian? Louree says there was no abuse but there was innuendos, long hugs and shrugging up against her. Itw as very uncomfortable, she felt that even in a turtleneck, Brian would undress her with his eyes. It ws very uncomfortable. She says that Brian gave Wanda a little bit of power to see what she would do with it, and it trickled. Derrick says Andrea would have kicked Brian’s butt if he’d tried to abuse her.

On September 10th, 2008 Elizabeth Smart was interviewed on Oprah when she said her captors should be charged as guilty, and that if they got out they’d do it all over again. Oprah asks the family what they think when they see Elizabeth Smart. Andrea commends her for the person she is, all she has endured and all that she aspires to be. Andrea says that as adults we create our own realities, and that her mom and Brian created theirs and shouldn’t be set free. She feels Brian is competent to stand trial- she says they are both intelligent, calculating manipulators. If you look at the time frame, her sudden cooperation is to help herself.

Oprah asks how the sins of their mother  have affected their lives. Louree respects every instance of her life for making her who she is. It has made her much stronger as a mother, and very close to her children. Derrick had to evaluate who he was, to look back and realise he was on the wrong path. He had to learn responsibility and own his own mistakes. He couldn’t blame his background for where he was going.  Rhonda is unable to have any children of their own. She got a letter recently from her dad apologizing that she had to parent her siblings. Growing up she was left to watch her siblings a lot. She wants to believe her mom, she’s tried to have a relationship with her for all these years. It’s hard. She doesn’t know how a mother could give up 6 of her own children and kidnap someone else’s child. Shes missed  a lot with her kids, but they’ve all turned out pretty darn good given the circumstances. She says both her mom and dad must have done something right.

Oprah asks why they haven’t all seen each other. Andrea feels she cant move forward if she’s living in the past, so she needs to surround herself with support. Oprah asks if the differences between their stages of healing and belief keeps them apart. Andrea has had a lot of therapy. Louree says its hard to go back and live in the past- it has been crazy since the story broke, prior to that she kept her past to herself. Now she has to come out and talk about it, which is good she supposes. Everyone’s experience is different, but seeing her mother try and take knives to her wrist or try and drown herself in the tub so that the children could save her, could try and make her love them, was so hard. And it’s hard for the siblings to remake their relationship when they have been in a mode of  every day survival.

Louree got a dolls house when she was 5 and it was her favorite things, 2 weeks later it was gone. It was as if her mother got a sense of happiness from the children’s distress. Oprah asks if Louree ever worries about becoming her mother, with the depression and mental abuse and neglect. She says no, she is aware of the psychological department, she is well-educated but her awareness helps her stay away from it. Oprah says we all have levels of dysfunction in our families, even Oprah has had to say I can meet you where you are now, to not go back and want to change the past. Rhonda is at that point. Derrick has too much distance, he doesn’t know to overcome the disconnection. Andrea has no desire for contact. Being a mother she can’t conceptualize what her mother did. Louree knew a monster, but she can’t say she’d want a relationship with that person, Louree doesn’t know who her mother is now. Andrea feels that this way her mother no longer has control. Taking a stand for herslelf. She left home at 13 to go to a foster home. Since then she has had to deal with the guilt of removing the primary target from the home. She was taken out of the home by a church program. Their mother kicked them out on the streets but she bribed the 3 youngers back into the house to stop the talk on the streets that she was a bad mother- two of them refused to go back.

Rhonda has forgiven her mother, but she is not sure how honest her mom is being. From the letters she’s received, Rhonda feels that her mother wasn’t able to stick up for her kids in front of her father. Oprah says it is our mammalian instinct to protect and care for our children, when that doesn’t happen something is very wrong. Oprah wishes them all peace and says that Wada Barzee declined to be interviewed for the program. A statement issued from her attorney stating that she remains in treatment for her mental illness and is a defendant in two criminal cases. Therefore she is unable to engage in a dialogue or comment on the subject of the program. She hopes to continue mending relationships wherever possible as she proceeds through her serious and unique circumstance.

Thank you all for watching today.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Each child in every family has a different experience within that family.

As adults we create our own realities and must be responsible for them.

We have to learn responsibility for our own mistakes and not blame our backgrounds for where we are going.

We all have levels of dysfunction in our families.

It is hard to form and nurture relationships when you are in survival mode every day.

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

It is our mammalian instinct to protect and care for our children, when that doesn’t happen something is very wrong.

Date: January 22nd, 2010
File Under: Celebrity, Public Service Announcement, Tragedy

Episode 11: Sarah Palin and her Daughter Bristol

Live here in Chicago, there is a major telethon on tonight- everyone should unite in front of the TV tonight. Oprah’s first guest today is always making news, and she’s just signed a deal with the Fox News Network. Oprah says look at your hair- what did you do with your hair? Sarah Palin is live via satellite from her living room in Alaska, she says she is trying to look like Oprah. Oprah says the hair is kinda cute but she’s surprised to see so many curls. The weather in Wasilla is kind of cold, colder than Chicago. Last time Sarah was on Oprah, she dodged the question of whether she would have a talk show. Now she’s signed a multi-year deal with Fox. She will be a contributor, doing some news analysis and will also do some documentaries and specials on finding some real American idols to profile, to put on the spotlight, to have some good role models for our nation. Oprah asks if she’ll leave Alaska to film- she’ll be based out of Alaska and she’ll be traveling around. It’ll be a mixture of coverage highlighting those who face adversity and overcome it. It’s like a full circle, she started in broadcasting and now she’s back there. Her parents are happy that she’s finally putting her college degree to good use.

Oprah says that Time Magazine ran a story asking if Palin is abandoning her aspirations to become President. Palin says she’s not closing any door that she may find open in the future. Maybe politics is in her future, but she’s looking forward to putting her journalism degree to good work. During the campaign, she criticised the media, and now she is part of that. She says she will rachet her coverage down to the basics of journalism, giving the bare facts; the who, what, where and why. Oprah agrees that was what she learned at journalism school. Palin says everyone is engaged in a challenge, a battle, and there are so many good stories out there to give hope and inspiration to others. She wants her kids and everyone else to be inspired by these Americana stories, to make our culture a better place.

Bristol Palin is 19 years old and her name is all over the headlines, she joins us with her mom in their kitchen. Bristol’s son Trip just turned one and Oprah wants to know what’s been the most eye-opening experience of motherhood? Bristol is surprised by the lack of sleep and how hard the daily grind is. A typical day starts at 4am, bathing Trip, going to work, working, coming back, giving him another bath and putting him to bed. Oprah asks why he gets bathed so much- he’s messy apparently. She lives at home so the babies get to grow up together. In In Touch magazine she shared a moment when she sat bawling her eyes out rocking Trip to sleep after he screamed for hours; she felt so alone, when the reality set in that she has a kid, that this is her full-time job. And then her grandmother walked in and said everything will be ok- it’s hard now, but it will be ok. Oprah asks if she has greater respect for her own mom. She does, and while she sometimes wishes she could be with her friends at college, she has a beautiful baby boy.

Oprah says we all have a dream for our kids, and that dream doesn’t usually involve teenage pregnancy. She asks Sarah if she regrets not talking about sex education more with her daughter, does she feel disappointed that her daughter isn’t living the life she could be? Sarah says yes, such lessons they have learned- she wished they’d talked more about unprotected sex, about sex before marriage. She’d assumed that everyone else was doing it, but not her kid. It was a shock to find out Bristol was pregnant- she was an athlete and a great student, the picture of someone who wasn’t supposed to get pregnant in high school. But she’s doing a great job and she is educating others very honestly. Sarah is so proud that Bristol has chosen life, and she has a beautiful baby. Candidly  she says Bristol wishes  that this would have happened 10 years from now. Oprah tells that she has 336 daughters in her school in South Africa and she constantly tells  them to make the decision before the moment arrives, because when the guy is licking on your ear, it’s tough to make the decision. Oprah says she bristled when she read that Bristol won’t have sex until she’s married. Why not make the decision only your own business? It’s Bristol’s goal, and she thinks others should have that goal. Oprah asks if she thinks she’s setting herself up for failure, and Bristol says no.

Sarah says she is pragmatic and practical, and is so proud of Bristol and others who are saying that the only sure-fire way to not get pregnant or get an STD is to be abstinent. Bristol is strong and Sarah says she believes in her, she’s proud of her goal. Rather than conceding that she’ll be haphazard about it all. Oprah interrupts to say 1 in 3 teenagers have sex by age 18, and obviously Bristol’s had sex. Teaching responsibility , teaching judgement is one thing, but Oprah asks, is this a realistic position? The Palin’s think it is a realistic role for Bristol. Oprah says she was going to give Bristol a chance to backtrack, but if Bristol holds to her point of view, more power to her. Sarah asks her daughter if that means that she will get married pretty young, and Bristol shrugs and says she doesn’t know. Sarah says she is constantly telling Bristol that she doesn’t have to go find a man, she’s making good decisions now and she can pursue her education and career and other opportunities. She says the issue is on a backburner for now, and Oprah reminds her that it is not on a backburner when you have a child with you every day.

Oprah asks what they’re having for dinner tonight, Sarah says they had popcorn chicken last night, but don’t tell anyone, she asks Bristol what they should eat tonight, and she says she doesn’t know. Sarah says she thinks she’ll make stew, moose stew sounds good. Oprah thanks them, it’s 9am in Chicago, so 6am in Alaska, so someone had to get up at 3am to start Sarah’s hair. Sarah says no, they always get up at 3am and look just like this. Everyone laughs.

Jeff Bridges got the Golden Globe last week, he dedicated it to his wife of 33 years. His performance in Crazy Heart is being called crazy great; he won the best actor award for his portrayal of addiction and destruction through the life of a washed-up country star. Jeff is live by satellite from rainy California. He turned the role down first time as there was no music attached to it. He ran into T-bone Burnett a year later and they decided to do it together. Has he always been a singer asks Oprah? Jeff says the birth of this movie goes back 30 years ago to Heaven’s Gate. Oprah and Jeff are neighbors and she heard about the film from one of their neighbors who said, hey have you seen Jeff. She said it’s like they’re all rooting for him because they’re in the neighborhood, and it was amazing. When he got a standing ovation from all his colleagues at the Golden Globes it wiped his mind clear, like an Etch-a-Sketch. He could feel the love, it was so strong and powerfull and seeing his wife there brought him back, brought him home. Oprah says we could feel 33 years of sincerity when he spoke to his wife- he says she looked so beautiful that night. His wife told him the other night that they’d been apart for 11 of the last 14 months. Oprah asks what the secret is to having an authentic connection with his wife? Jeff’s folks were a great role model, they were deeply in love despite their struggles. The bumps can be opportunities to make you stronger, then the relationship gets too precious for anything else to get in the way. Talking about the Oscars, he says it’s a double-edged sword; there is the risk of getting on stage and forgetting to thank people, but getting the nod from his peers is wonderful, bringing attention to the movie is great. He says the film was a dream come true- to work with his old friends, they had a wonderful time making it. Oprah wishes him all the best and thanks Jeff Bridges.

Oprah is determined to end the deadly craze of texting on the phone. After Monday’s show, so many responded; they play voiceovers of viewers who are promising never to play texting roulette again, with images of accidents showing behind. Oprah has banned all employees of her company from doing work on cell phones or Blackberries while driving. The executive producer, Sherri, says it’s been hard. One employee puts her phone in the back of the car so she is not tempted to answer the phone or check email. Oprah says she thinks everyone is addicted to checking their cell phones.

Lori, from Canada joins us via Skype, she was the victim of a drunk-driving accident ten years ago. She admitted she would text and drive in an email, then she made the connection. She was sickened by the guests on the show, than realised she texts while driving and is no better than the drunk driver. She says that an in impairment is an impairment- she wants to be proactive not reactive. Oprah thanks Lori for getting it. 40% of the emails they received were from people wanting the show to be re-aired so they can show it to their kids or students. It will be available for viewing on Oprah.com.

Actress Holly Robinson Peete saw the show and said it was an epiphany for the whole family. Her daughter Ryan made her mom sign the pledge because she texts all the time. Holly was judging the people on the show, but Ryan told her that it was her, and Holly realised she has to stop. Holly has an iPhone and a Blackberry and she was on them constantly. So now she realises she had a problem and they printed out the pledge. They are going to make it into an air freshener for the car. They also made a bumber sticker “Honk if you love Jesus. Text if you want to meet him”. Everyone laughs. Oprah says she loves that. Holly says that major reprogramming has to happen in the face of our addiction, just as we once had to get used to wearing seatbelts.  She loves that Ryan is so socially conscious- she sent the pledge to the whole family. Holly has an assistant, and we all have to do our part – we have to realise we shouldn’t talk or text other people when they are in their cars. Oprah is teeming up with Progressive Insurance to take this campaign to the next level. There will be more on that soon. Holly and Ryan wrote a book together called”My Brother Charlie” about Ryan’s twin Charlie and living with autism in their family. They, and Scholastic, hope that this book will be in all schools and libraries in the near future. Autism is on the rise, 1 in 50 boys have autism. Oprah says Holly has a highly evolved child. Holly says she’ll keep her.

On saturday one of the producers of the Oprah Show flew to Haiti. 27 year old Madeline has a 7 year old girl and a 5 year old boy. Their father was killed in the earthquake. They are living in a field with other familes, it’s cold and hard to sleep. The kids sleep under her at night. She has a constant struggle for food, she can’t find anything. She relies on leftovers from strangers. She has no money, no way out which makes her really sad. They go to her former home which is rubble. She says her room was not affected, but the rest of the house and the foundation were gone. Her neighbor is surprised to see her alive. She says she has to keep smiling for the kids- she has hope because she has family and she’s still alive. Back in the studio, Oprah talks to the producer, Chris,  who gave Madeline as much as she had in her pocket when they had to leave, which may be of use to her in the future. 11 water trucks did come to the area as a result of the media coverage.

There’s only one place to be tonight, in front of your television watching the benefit tonight on MTV at 8pm. It’s your opportunity to give to the people of Haiti. Thanks everyone.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Journalism should be about the who, what, where and why, from which the viewer can make their own judgements

Don’t close any doors which you may find open in the future

If you don’t want people to know what you ate for dinner last night, don’t announce it on the Oprah Winfrey Show

Oprah and Jeff Bridges are neighbors

An impairment is an impairment, be proactive not reactive

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Just because you are a teenage single parent, doesn’t mean you can’t be the poster child for abstinence

Date: January 20th, 2010
File Under: Celebrity, Grief, Public Service Announcement, Tragedy

Episode 9: Help The Victims in Haiti

Live from Chicago. This morning an aftershock of 6.1 was recorded in Haiti. Oprah’s guest today just returned from Haiti a few days ago. He says it’s an apocalypse and the media coverage doesn’t begin to describe it. Wyclef Jean, the most famous person from Haiti;  a Grammy award winning musician is here today, you may know him from The Fugees. This show is about Haiti so some of the images will be graphic.

Oprah says that Wyclef is the first person to describe this as an apocalypse. She says she’d said to friends that being there must be like being in hell. Wyclef says it’s like the 7th hell- there’s two things- what you see by the airport and then there is the belly of the beast. He says walking into the city feels like walking into a morgue. For every two blocks, there are 15-16 uncovered bodies, 3 are children. People are running holding their babies, while their babies are already dead. The aid workers can’t do much as there are so many people, and they are out of medication, and people want them to help their children but their children are already dead. Wyclef’s cousin used his Flip camera to go inside the belly of the beast.

As the footage rolls, Wyclef narrates. The first thing they heard were bone chilling screams. This is the worst thing they’ve seen in their lives, the whole country is a morgue, everywhere they walk there are bodies in the street. little kids. They spent hours in the heat moving decomposing bodies. The smell is very bad. the local cemetries are already overflowing, so the survivors are ae digging shallow graves. Their team pulled a fourteen year old out of the rubble, the rest of her family are dead.

Watching the footage, Wyclef remembers that every night they heard the Haitian people sing Amazing Grace. The Haitian people know struggle, despite what they are going through they are still chanting and singing the word of God. Oprah says that they have shown over and over that they are resilient people. Wyclef says the only thing they have is their pride.

Oprah observes that Wyclef’s team had masks on, whilst others did not. He says that the media don’t cover on the news the smell of the bodies. It’s raw meat, it’s animal, like a dead dog that no one has taken care of. Oprah asks about his friends and families. He has lost alot of friends. One of his friends was stopped by the police and a building fell on top of them all. It took two days to get his body out. Oprah says that the inital problem was the lack of heavy equipment. Wyclef says that the people who would drive the tractors are buried under rubble. They can not be where they should be, just like the President and his wife are at the airport. We was warned to be strong for he wouldn’t believe what he would see outside the airport.

About the size of Maryland, a two hour flight from the Florida coast lies Haiti, on the west end of a Carribean island- on the east is the wealthy Dominican Republic.In contrast, Haiti is home to the poorest citizens in the Western Hemisphere. Haiti is the only country on earth which gained independence by a slave rebellion. 9 million people speak two languages- French and Creole. 95% are of African descent. Civil war, violence,  famine, corruption, war and countless disasters have wreaked havoc on Haiti but it was felt that Haiti was on a path to success. Bill Clinton said anyone who has seriously followed Haiti for a long time would say that it has the best chance now to break the chains of its lifetime and build a truly modern state. Amazingly the statue of a free slave, which signifies Haiti’s spirit is still standing.

Wyclef was 9 when his family left Haiti and came to the US. He dreamed of making it big in the music business, and both as a member of the Fugees and with his solo career he has been very successful. His passion in life is to get the rest of the world to care about Haiti as much as he does. It is his mission from God, he wants to make a serious dent with his Foundation, a school for young artists in Haiti. On Wednesday, the school was flattened with no survivors. It was in the Jacmel area, which is not talked about much in the news; it is 80% devastated. He and his wife have been trying to help Haiti for a long time- Wyclef says he went from being an ant to a gorilla overnight. Oprah says there has been alot of focus on the non-filing of taxes up until 2009 with his Foundation. He says in 1996 when he did the Grammys he wore a Haiti flag; therefore his pariotism cant be questioned. He says starting a foundation needs the right people around you. Being Haitian, a foundation needs logisitics; helicopters and trucks. No one was focused on the Foundation until they noticed that they raise $1 million a day. A lot of eyebrows were raised, as they are the youngest NGO on the ground. He put his first million into the charity, he has never taken any form of payment from the charity. Oprah says she has 3 foundations and comes under a lot of scrutiny, she says the IRS lives here. She says you need the right people who know the tax laws, was he let down by his people? He says it was poorly ran and moving forward they’ll be stronger than ever. The crown applaud.

Oprah says she heard Wyclef say there should be an exodus from Port-au-Prince, but where would the people go? Wyclef says there are places outside the capital where the US army could set up tents outside of the capital. He wants the tents to be  built into communities in the future; we don’t want refugee camps. On Friday Wyclef joins George Clooney and a huge host of stars, for Hope For Haiti Now, a television event, with all proceeds going to Haiti. He’s going back to Haiti on Saturday because the food is being thrown down by helicopter, and he wants them to know that the Haitian people are not animals. He’s going to work on logisitics to distribute food and water more effectively.

Aids, malnutirition and poverty have ravaged Haiti- half of the population is under 18. 300,00 children were orphans before the earthquakes. Parents who can no longer feed children send them to be slaves in wealtheir homes where they are often abused. Tens of thousands of children live on the street eating dirt to surive, just hundreds of miles from our shores.

Rihanna is one of the stars performing for the Hope for Haiti Now TV event on Friday. She’ll be singing with JayZ and Bono. She says, we need your help, everyone should tune in. Today she will sing Bob Marley’s Redemption Song as it is so liberating. She played it as a child when times were difficult, and she still plays it now when her back is up against the wall. She feels the people of Haiti need to hear something uplifting. She sings the song, while images from Haiti  are displayed behind her. Oprah gives Rihanna a hug. For the next 48 hours you can download this song, go to Oprah.com to find out how. All the proceeds will go to Haiti. Rihanna’s new album is called Rated R.

Neurosurgeon and CNN’s chief medical correspondent, Dr Sanjay Gupta filed some of the first reports out of Haiti. We see footage of a fifteen day old baby with a head injury who needed a doctor. She has a laceration and a fracture, but she’ll be ok. Reports of violence led Belgian doctors to evacuate the Field Hospital, leaving Dr Gupta the only person to care for 25 people overnight. A few days ago, the US military evacuated Dr Gupta out of Haiti to an aircraft carrier several miles off shore. The earthquake had embedded concrete in a 12 year old girls brain- Dr Gupta performed a ninety minute emergency surgery and saved the girls life.

In the studio, Oprah welcomes Dr Gupta via satellite from Port au-Prince. She thanks him and asks about this mornings aftershock. He says it was quite scary, behind him tents have been set up behind him- people are fearful to go back inside buildings with the continued aftershocks. The roads are a disaster, there are piles of rubble everywhere. He says it is hard to imagine how it will all get cleaned up. 6.1 and 5.2 are aftershocks in Haiti, but by any standards they are real earthquakes. They will have to test for trauma to buildings, but the emotional anxiety is very high here. Oprah says she is sure the fear and anxiety level are growing, The most pressing medical problem now, according to Dr Gupta, is that although many people died, many now are barely alive. They have preventable deaths, like crushed limbs. They are walking the streets having kidney failure and heart problems. In any other situation, these injuries are easily treated. 8 days out, these things are not happening, The problem now is distribution- the supplies are at the airports, but the supplies are not getting out where they are needed. In medical emergencies  you count time in minutes and hours. So far it has been 8 days…

So many reporters are saying that this is the worst tragedy they have ever seen, worse even than Hurricane Katrina. Dr Gupta says this is the worst because Haiti is one of the most impoverished countries, there is no medical structure and they have one of the worst patient to doctor ratios in the world. From this point, there are infinitely more people needing medical care and infinitely less medical structure. In Katrina, people mainly lived or died, what they needed was food and water. In Haiti the people who lived have catastrophic injuries. They need someone on the ground to oversee the infrastructure. The security concerns are huge, there are soldiers and security there, but doctors are having problems getting in. The problems dovetail, solve the medical problems and the security issues will ease.

Thanks to Dr Gupta. Wyclef is willing to go to Haiti, he needs a taskforce, he knows Haiti. He will be in charge of distribution from the airport to the people of Haiti. He says the need for  security will decrease if the medical situation improves.

Giving hope to Haiti is near and dear to singer Maxwell’s heart. He was raised by his Haitian grandmother. He is excited to help the great people of Haiti, today he will sing Fistful of Tears. He sings with images from Haiti playing behind him. Maxwell sings and cries. Oprah hugs him. For the next 48 hours you can download this song from Oprah.com, with all proceeds going to Haiti.

Oprah says they are here to encourage us to watch Hope for Haiti on Friday, it will play on all channels. Maxwell has been devastated by the tragedy. he doesn’t know fully how it feels for others like Wyclef who have lost so many people dear to them.  He says “As someone who is you know, you know, my heritage is from there on some level”, he hopes he can stand as  a beacon of hope for the Haitians to see there is more than this devastation, that you can grab onto something alot more tighter and secure than what Haiti has been holding on to for the last 200 years. Rihanna says she she goes to bed thinking of the orphans- the children suffer most and they had almost 400,000 orphans before this. The children are hungry and hopeless, they are the next generation, the chidren are our future. Rhianna and her Foundation are helping to rebuild Haiti. After survival, there is so much more to be done. Wyclef tells the Haitians to have unity and strength. The Haitian people told him to say on the show that they don’t need any more photo-ops, what they need is logistics, people to go to the airport and get the stuff out of the airport and to the people. The crowd applauds.

Rhianna and Maxwell donate the proceeds from the downloads of their songs from Oprah.com to Haiti. Watch the benefit on Friday. Thanks.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

Wyclef Jean is the most famous person from Haiti, he has a mission from God to help the rest of the world care about Haiti as much as he does

Haiti today is apocalyptic, like the 7th hell

Wyclef Jean would like to manage the distribution of supplies from the airport to the people of Haiti; he will need a taskforce

This tragedy is worse than any other, because those who lived are dying from their injuries, which should be preventable deaths

Celebrities are helping as much as they can, there is a huge benefit on all channels on Friday night

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

Haiti needs a new infrastructure to end their apocalypse. Wyclef Jean is on a mission from God