Episode 25: The High School Quarterback Who Became A Lesbian
Growing up in 70’s Montana, Paul’s father Lauren was a doctor and mother Carol was a schoolteacher. They adopted Kimberley’s brother, Mark, and probably conceived Paul the day they picked Mark up. A year later, along came another surprise, Tom. It looked like a dream childhood, but appearances can be deceptive. Paul did the things in high school that you were supposed to do, he thought it would make the other crazy idea go away. He began to question his gender identity around first grade. As he grew up, Paul was attracted to girls, but he didn’t feel like a typical high school boy. He dated women, pretty innocently, alot of the times he wanted to be one of the girls. After college he moved to San Francisco, where he first started dressing as a woman. He would segregate restaurants, going to some only as a male and some only as a female. It was crazy to live like that. You can only live a double life for so long. Over the next few years he took it further, and started taking hormones which helped his body feel right, then in his late 20’s he undertook gender reassignment surgery. Paul became Kimberley. Sexual reassembly surgery fashions a vagina from your genitalia, and she had some help with her breasts. She checked into her apartment as a male and left as a female with a new name, drivers license, social security number and passport.
Oprah says that if we dont relate to Kimberley’s story, most of us can admit we have something which holds us back from being all we can be, whether it is weight or a bad relationship. As you hear this story, think how great you could be if you had the courage to live your own truth. Kimberley joins Oprah onstage. Oprah says she is always fascinated by these stories because it’s so hard to imagine not being in the right body. Oprah says she can relate to most issues, but not this one. Kimberley says she found the right body by a process of elimination, she was magnetically drawn to it. She tried to avoid it, to not be weird, to fit in. She started to feel different in about kindergarten or first grade, she wanted to be with the girls but she had to repress it. During her teenage years she wondered if she may be gay, later she tried all the options. In high school she felt that the thing going on which made her different had to be shut down, so she went all out to be a football player, to do all the things that you should do. Becoming a football star was part of the rules. She is glad that she grew up as a boy, but it makes her sad because boys can be strong and independent whereas girls often withdraw and doubt themselves at around age 11 or 12. Oprah interrupts to say that Kimberley can sing that Beyonce song “If I Were A Boy” and mean it. Kimberley doesn’t remember a time when she didn’t have the urge to be female, but she took specific steps towards it around 5h or 6th grade. She had a paper route and she got up very early in the morning and dressed as a girl to deliver the papers.
When Kimberley traveled back to Helena, Montana for her 20th high school reunion, she didn’t know what to expect. Last time her classmates saw her, she was Paul. She says the first part of her life she lived trying to deny that she was a girl, the second part of her life she tried to deny that she was ever a boy, and now she is trying to reconcile the two parts of her life. She is pleased she got the sense of entitlement, license and freedom of boyhood, and wishes girls got that. Oprah says we see that parents treat their kids differently even if they say they don’t treat their male and female children differently. At High School Paul went to the prom and felt awkward, she felt she was trying to play a part but it felt off, like she was putting on an act. She went to college in the San Francisco Bay Area, which is a very conducive place to experiment. She tried to date men as a man, but that didnt feel right, but she did start to know she was attracted to being a female. She lived as a male student in Berkeley, but would drive across the bridge to San Francisco to be a woman. She was an exchange student in Norway, she deliberately went where the other students wouldnt be. She took the train as far north as she could go and camped on a fast, awaiting a revelation. She realised she’d been trying to avoid this in so many ways, but the revelation was always there. Oprah says its like Glinda the Good Witch in the Wizard of Oz; nothing is outside of us, it’s inside always, the answer is there. Kimberley was waiting for the big revelation, and it was there. That was a big turning point. The movie she has made, Prodigal Sons is interesting, according to Oprah, because it focuses as much on the family dynamic as Kimberley’s gender. Kimberley told her mom, probably later than she should have done. Oprah says she feels parents know but don’t want to see it, especially seeing the feminine side in their sons. Carol in the audience says she saw nothing, not a hint. Kimberley says she hid it well because she was hiding it from herself. Carol doesn’t see hints even looking back with hindsight.
Kimberley travels back to her hometown for her 20 year high school reunion. Oprah says everyone who is worried about going to their highschool reunion, should imagine this. The video footage plays. Kimberely decided to go back for the reunion, this would be the first time that most of her hometown will see her, although they heard a few years ago of her gender change. The party is at the co-captain of the football team’s house, Kimberley, as Paul, was the other captain. She goes to the party and greets her old friends and former dates. One of the women says that all the girls had crushes on her back in high school. There was no adverse reaction at first, but one women says she still doesn’t get the difference between gay, homosexual, lesbian and transgender. Kimberley and her girlfriend patiently explain. Oprah in the studio says, I’m like her, I’m all durr. Joining us on Skype is Paul’s former team mate and best friend, Tim. Tim says that as a friend it’s been a little bit weird, he was protective so didn’t want to say words like weird. It’s surprising that his mother didnt know. When Kim’s dad died, Kim came back, and Tim’s mom told him that Paul is Kim. When his mother told him that Paul is Kim, Tim said what and she repeated herself and they had that exchange about five times. Oprah laughs hysterically. There was another woman named Kim that he’d just seen at Carol’s house who was pregnant and he thought wow Paul really went all the way. Oprah laughs hysterically. Paul was great at everything, she was good at every sport she tried which was one of the sources of sibling rivalry in their household. Tim says they were close friends throughout school and they stayed in touch. The first time they tried to go out for a drink, Kim was too chicken, so Tim went to meet her and Claire. It was a bit surreal to go back to her old house. The next night meeting the whole team, 8 overweight bald players, she was shy. Look at her, sure she’s attractive. He didn’t know if she was gay or straight. Kimberley was incredibly nervous, her former team mates showed up with cases of beer. She looked around at one of them swigging cheap beer with an arm around her girlfriend Claire, and she thought this would be ok. She feared that her past would be erased. She doesn’t look the same and alot is different, but many of her friends feel that she is the same person. Tim is happy and proud of her- Paul was a little awkward and shy, but Kim is very confident. Oprah says it is because she is her authentic self now.
Much of the footage today is from Prodigal Sons, her documentary. She thought that throwing the perfect spiral would cure her. She had her first kiss on the bleachers. She had so many problems figuring out her gender. She’d play games with herself where the penalty would be that she’d have to be a girl for the night. So then she’d run slowly so she would have to be a girl. She had shut alot of this out but she needs to bring it back somehow, it’s half her life. Oprah says so many people who grew up in smaller communities grew up, married and did what society expected, and they are miserable. That could have been Kimberley’s life. She says the number one thing she hears is that transgender people wish that they had done it sooner.
The documentary captures the intense sibling rivalry which has taken a toll. Mark, her older brother was adopted, so he felt a bit of an outsider, He was held back in school so they were always in the same grade. Mark spent his childhood living in the shadow of his highly accomplished younger brother. At 21 he crashed his car and had suffered a traumatic brain injury. He had repeated surgeries, his mood swings got worse, his short-term memory began to fade and he began clinging to the past more and more. Footage shows him ranting and raving about how popular he was in school. Kimberley says she felt like Mark would have given anything to be the man that she would have given anything not to be- they were both haunted by the same ghost. In the studio, Carol says the confrontation ended with a 911 call, it was Christmas Eve and it was not a Christmas Eve to remember. Mark was taken to jail. Oprah asks if prior to the car crash, all the anger and jealousy existed and it got exascerbated by the event. Kim felt the sibling rivalry acutely, Carol was aware or that, it was always present. Carol thought the adoption was part of it, but Mark had his own strengths, but he didnt go in those directions because he single-mindedly wanted to be Paul. Oprah is aware that there are no doubt millions of people feeling like Mark did about this- she asks Carol, do you believe in the bible and how do you reconcile your religious beliefs with your son or daughter? Carols says for her that was never a question- she believed in her child and believed that this child was thoughtful and intelligent and gave so much thought to what was happening. She knew that this decision was painfully arrived at.
When Kimberley began her transition to a woman, she kept it a secret from the whole family. She told her mother but she couldn’t tell her dad. Having been the perfect son, she didn’t want to take the element of vicarious living from her dad. Carol waited one year to tell her husband that their son was now a woman. Carol says that her husband was ill and his health was a real issue, and she wanted to time the news right. There never was a right time but she decided she must tell him. She made appointments for herself to visit a therapist and, on the third visit, her husband came along and she told him. It was really hard. Kimberley says she feels bad that she couldn’t do it herself, what a thing to put on someone else- Carol was juggling the whole extended family. Kimberley wishes that she hadn’t put her mom through so much. She feels its important to talk about this on the program and on the documentary. She hopes that people can come out earlier and earlier in the newer generation. Oprah says with regards to coming out, many people, maybe not transgender but maybe are coming out as gay. Oprah says she got goosebumps earlier when Carol said she believed in her child. Oprah says that’s beautiful, Kimberley and Carol hug.
Kimberley has been dating Claire for ten years. Claire says she feels we are all a little in drag and projecting, and for women that’s feminine. What was striking and attractive to Claire about Kimberley was how comfortable she was with herself, and that to her is feminine, female. Oprah says it’s all about finding what is authentic to yourself. Oprah clarifies that Claire is a lesbian.She then asks if as a lesbian you try and strike a balance between feminine and non-feminine. Claire says she had some gender issues herself , she liked alot of boy things, she may have ovecompensated so she wasn’t viewed as a lesbian. Oprah asks if she finds that when you shed your false exterior, the world and your perception of it changes. When you change, it changes. All the things you were afraid of, the people you thought would reject you and wouldn’t love you anymore still did and the people who were upset and jealous of you still are. It takes alot of courage to stand up for who you are. Oprah would like to encourage us to watch the movie and to inspire you to dig in and figure out what is holding you back and become the best you can be. Thanks everybody, and take the no-phone pledge. Bye everybody.
WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:
Think how great you could be if you had the courage to live your own truth.
Like Glinda the Good Witch in the Wizard of Oz says; nothing is outside of us, it’s inside always, the answer is there.
Many transgender people wish that they acted on their gender-change earlier.
So many people who grew up in smaller communities grew up, married and did what society expected, and they are miserable.
When you shed your false exterior, the world and your perception of it changes. When you change, it changes.
A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:
The person that everybody wants to be may not want to be that person; be true to yourself.