Episode 30: Miraculous Family Reunions
Ask yourself, is it worth it? Troy Dunn sees every day how these issues can damage our lives. He is a high profile investigator specialising in reunions. He says he has brought almost 40,000 people back togather. Every week he tracks down birth moms and dads, missing friends, and lost relatives on his reality show, The Locator. 20 years ago he started searching for his mother’s birth parents. He is part detective part therapist. They show footage of him reuniting a birth mom with her daughter, they are delighted. Not everyone gets the happy reunion that they wish for. They show footage of a woman waiting to meet her birth mother- she is alive and well but won’t be coming to the meeting. The daughter is devastated. For others it’s a dream come true- a family of sisters split up and placed in foster homes as young children find each other.
Oprah welcomes Troy to the studio. He says that one of the greatest myths is that time heals all wounds- it’s not true emotionally, maybe physically it is. Oprah says that Dr Phil used to be here and now has his own show, as does Dr Oz who used to be on Oprah’s show, she remembers that Phil taught her that time don’t heal a damn thing- it’s what you do with the time that helps you heal or not. Troy says that any wound left untreated gets worse; sometimes to protect ourselves we decide that we don’t want that person in our life and there comes a point at which our wound has created paralysis. Mary says that she is being eaten alive by guilt that she has felt for the last 25 years Her family asked Troy to step in. He went to visit Mary and her biological daughter LaKya. 32 years ago, Mary suffered many miscarriages and had a stillborn baby. To help heal their hearts, she and her husband became foster parents. Tamisha was two years old when she joined their family. They just loved her, she lit up their lives. To Mary, Tamisha was hers, she called her mommy. They wanted to adopt her but were unable, they were under the impression that she would go back to her birth mother. They lived happily for 5 years, during which time Mary had a healthy baby girl. When Tamisha was 7 years old, Mary was notiified by social services that Tamisha had been adopted by another family. They came in, took her things, and took Tamisha. Tamisha was crying and Mary had to stay in the house trying not to scream. She feels she never got the chance to explain anything. Troy says that Tamisha was basically an only child, then Mary had a baby and then Tamisha was sent away. Mary has struggled for years with the guilt, she just wants Tamisha to know that she loved her from the very start.
After 7 days of searching, Troy tracked down Tamisha in New York. he wanted to find out what she remembers from her early years with Mary. Tamishawas traumatised, she was crying hysterically trying to hold onto Mary. It was her home, she was devastated, it took her two days to stop crying. She felt like Mary had her own child and then she wasn’t needed anymore. Oprah says that is terrible for a child. Troy asked Tamisha if she would be willing to meet Mary. Troy tells Mary that he found Tamisha and spoke with her and it was almost like the 32 year old lady turned back into a 7 year old talking about the worst day of her life. She has wrestled with feelings of rejection. for her whole life. She is in the building, not in New York , she is walking in right now. They cry and hug. Mary says to her that she never stopped loving her for the last 23 years. Tamisha thought that Mary didn’t want her. It took a long time for her to call her adopted mother mom. Oprah says boo hoo boo hoo. That was almost a year ago. Mary and Tamisha are here in the studio. Oprah says we are passing the Kleenex in here. Tamisha didn’t know what was going on that day she didnt understand how she could go to a new home when she was at home. She thought she was being replaced by Mary’s biological daughter. Tamisha’s adoptive mom is in the audience. Tamisha thought about Mary and had flashbacks at school when the others talked of their childhood. Before the reunion she hadn’t seen photos of herself before the age of 7. Mary wished that she had been able to explain what happened and what was going on. Once Tamisha went to her new home, Mary was not allowed to make contact. Social Services said she was doing fine. Troy says it is the way the system is set up, to keep distances for safety’s sake. It has no consideration of feelings. A 7 year old can not distinguish between a birth or adoptive or foster mom, she just knows who loves her. Oprah says it’s true what they were saying during the break, blood is not thicker than water, Troy thinks they should stop saying that. “Who loves you when you need them, that’s your family”, Oprah says that phrase should be their new thing. She loves that, Troy says she can have it. Oprah felt it was almost primal to see them meet again- Mary says seeing Tamisha again released alot of those concerns, knowing she looks so well. Oprah observes that Tamisha has lost weight since then, Tamisha says that her confidence has grown and she is a more active participant in life. Troy says people don’t have peace until they find all the pieces. Oprah says he is a quote-a-minute. Troy says the calmness and understanding from peace gives you a glow. Mary’s birth daughter says they grew up knowing all about Tamisha. Clement, Mary’s husband says that Tamisha was a great girl, like she still is now. Oprah calls them a wonderful foster family.
Troy’s new series premiers on WE TV on March 3rd. If you want to track someone down, why wait? The hardest news he has to pass on is that people were too late, that he found them but they passed. If you wait for timing to be everything, you’ll end up with nothing. Cindy is struggling with terminal cancer and wants to find her dad more than anything in the world. She may only have 4 months to live. With 4 children, she still feels the void of no father. Her parents split before she was born. She met him at age 12 and spend a few nights with him. Just as they were getting to know each other, her mother took her and left town. She was heartbroken that she never saw him again. With limited info, Troy met Doug, Cindy’s father. He got married when he was in the military, and by the time he got home, his wife had left with another man. He never got to see Cindy until she was 11-12. After Cindy’s mom moved, no one would tell him where they had gone. He wants to be in contact with Cindy. Troy took Doug to see Cindy for the first time in two decades. They hug and cry. She shrieks, they missed each other.
Cindy is coping, she says she has had a rough day today. Cindy and Doug join Oprah by satellite from Alabama. Her Dad moved in with her and takes her to all her doctor’s visits. He doesn’t want to miss anymore of her life. He takes the kids to school everyday and takes the kids to ballgames. She has two 14 year olds, a 12 year old and a 9 year old. Doug never gave up hope. Troy has a great deal of respect for how sensitive daughters can be. He won’t bring a dead-beat dad into a daughter’s life. The crowd applaud. Its important to him that they pay child support and show him that they tried to get in touch. He says that Doug is a walking heart. There are 3 sides to every story- his hers and the truth. He normally has to piece together the truth and always fact checks. Oprah says that every child wants to know why didn’t you try and find them. Doug says that he tried but got no information. Troy said that Doug documented his attempts to his satisfaction. Oprah asks Cindy if she finds this to be a miracle. Cindy says that every day for her is a miracle, she surpassed her predicted 6-8 months of life expectancy, she has been alive now for a year and half since the diagnosis. She feels robbed of her family that she could have had for her whole life. Her dad has missed out on so much,her kids, her wedding. She doesn’t know how much longer she has left but she feels robbed. Oprah says that focusing on what is in the moment will help Cindy heal, not dwelling in the past. She thanks them for joining the show by Skype. God Bless Them, may you be healed and witness and share the miracle.
Pam Slaton is a genealogist. This mother of two makes a living tracking down missing people. Working 7 days a week and pulling all nighters she never gives up. Family is her passion; her own and other peoples. One of her most famous clients was one of the founding fathers of Hip Hop, Darryl McDaniels of Run DMC He found out her was adopted at age 35. Pam found his mother. She says it is extremely rewarding to tell people that their search is over. She always wanted to know who her birth mother was, despite loving her amazing family. She wanted to know who gave her life, she finds it a basic need. Pam takes on Linda’s case; a birth mother looking for her daughter. She ran away from home at age 15, she lived on the streets for a few months before returning to her violent home When she found out she was pregnant, she thought that the baby would love her and that she had would finally experience real love. When she was 7 months pregnant, her social worker told her that he mom wouldn’t let the baby into the house. She raged and felt she had no choice and gave the baby up for adoption. She and Pam went back to the home for unwed mothers where the baby was born. Linda hadn’t been there for 42 years, she says it’s surreal. Linda says that the moment she gave up her daughter after the joyfulness of giving birth- she doesn’t want to go back and visit that. She knew that the last time she held her was the last time she would hold her. Linda got a college degree, worked on Wall Street, got married and had a son, but something was always missing, because you can’t find peace until you find the pieces.
Pam found Linda’s daughter. Her daughter says she’s lived her whole life dying for a family, she’s never had one. She is overwhelmed. A few days later Laura flew 2000 miles to meet her birth mother. Her childhood was difficult, she has never had anybody who cared for her. Pam tells Linda the news. Linda cries. Pam tells her to get herself together to go meet Laura. Pam tellsLinda not to be scared. Linda and Laura finally meet. They cry and hug.
Linda and Laura are in the studio, they only met yesterday. Oprah asks how it was to wake up this morning- Linda says it is too surreal, meeting Laura and finding out that her story is not what she dreamed of for Laura’s life. But seeing her with her brother, she is so proud of her and she says that they both love each other. Oprah says that what was so moving to her is that Laura asked Pam in disbelief if Linda had been looking for her. Laura says that as a child, you have no idea why you are given up, and to find out that your birth mother wanted you, that chases away all the other thoughts. Linda had named Laura, a name with meaning. Pam says that this is validation that the birth mother has never forgotten their child. It heals a piece of the child, its a gift. Oprah says that everyone is looking to know that they matter, and to have been given a name would mean that you matter. Linda met three of her grandchildren, what a day. They are amazing little children, says Linda, Laura has done such a fabulous job. She says you never know what the person has gone through and if you made the right decision, she questioned herself all those years, but seeing those little ones… God, that’s amazing. Oprah says that Troy says that things don’t always end up well. This has only been 24 hours and Oprah is sure this will get more intense and there may be anger and resentment. Its hard to stay in the I loove you stage. Pam says that it is a balancing act and that it can be anti-climactic. The search and find is such a rollercoster of highs and lows, an amazing expecrience. Then you realise that you are in a position where you are strangers but you are supposed to have this love and you have to manage it. Linda says that after meeting Laura yesterday, she had a complete meltdown because she had a fantasy life for laura, living in a castle, and that wasn’t there. Laura says that she had a very hard life. Oprah asks Linda’s son how it feels to meet his sister. He always knew about his adopted sister and he couldn’t be happier.
Oprah says that they have used enough tissue in the show today. Oprah asks Troy to speak to thse holding back on reconnecting with their loved ones. Troy says that as we come to grips with our mortality, especially those towards the end of their life-clock, you think of the loved and unloved ones. There is still time to move the unloved ones over to the loved ones list. There is still time. Pam addresses the idea that a birth parent search is a rejection of the family you have. She says people just need to know their chapter one, where they originated from, it does not mean that there is a lack of love. Oprah says excellent.
Thanks to Pam and Troy. There are 19 states banning texting when drivig. If yours doesn’t, speak up . Speak up, speak out ,and write to your representatives and make your car a no-phone zone now.
WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:
One of the greatest myths is that time heals all wounds.
Who loves you when you need them, that’s your family.
People don’t have peace until they find all the pieces.
Everyone is looking to know that they matter,
There is still time to move the unloved ones over to the loved ones list.
A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:
Make peace with your loved ones: If you wait for timing to be everything, you’ll end up with nothing.