Episode 37: Jerry Seinfeld: The Marriage Ref
Oprah says that everyone is talking about a big celebrity marriage that is on the rocks, Jerry looks puzzled, Oprah says you know and whispers Tiger Woods. Jerry says oh they’re fine, he thought something happened. Oprah says that a marriage ref could could not come in to that. He says no it’s not funny enough, actually it’s too funny, that’s the problem. Oprah asks his opinion of it, and he says that it proves that golf is boring. Oprah claps and the crowd applaud. That was his first thought- Woods is dominating the game and has everything you can get from a sport and he is bored out his mind. Oprah asks his opinion on the Jay/ Conan thing. He says he loved it, he loves stupid. He was on the side of smart against stupid, as always, He couldn’t believe it went on for so long. Oprah has always admired Jerry since she interviewed him for the O Magazine. She was complaining about the end of summer, needing some time for herself, and Jerry said “it’s yours to design, Oprah”. And that’s what she’d doing now. Jerry doesn’t think you walk away from a show, most TV is selling a box of air and fluff. He says that there is some nutrition in what Oprah does. Oprah says that she aims for nutrition everyday, and Jerry says not in this one. She says that they will have some nutrition by the end.
The Marriage Ref takes us inside the intimate battles taking part in America’s marriages. Each week a celebrity panel debate the sides, like Tina Fey, Madonna, Ricky Gervais, but the final say is made by the Marriage Ref, standup comedian Tom Papa. Oprah asks if Jerry and Jessica have their own fighting rules. Jerry hates that Jessica has kicked coffee because she enjoys it. He needs to see her enjoy something, she should have it, she likes it. Tea is not the same, says Oprah. Jerry says tea is like yardwork. Jerry says that the Marriage Ref is very likeable, and the more of him you watch the more you need, it’s a good quality to have. Tom comes in. Oprah thinks that quality is wonderful, that people want you in their house. Tom says its a nice thing, you don’t want to be the person that everyone is waiting to leave. Oprah asks what he and his wife argue about. Tom has a Kindle and whenever he starts to read it, his wife thinks it’s a neon sign to start talking. Jerry has learned that he has a number of tones. When he was single, he didn’t have a tone, but now he has many. His wife discovered the first one, when he is parking and his wife is talking he has the car tone, the let me park the car we’ll talk later tone. He says that marriage is a musical. Tom’s tone is all grrr ” I don’t want to talk about this”. Women like to imitate how men talk, they do impressions. The men do the tones of their wives.
They have a new lingo for marriage arguments, “Kitchen Sinking It” is an argument about one issue, when the other throws in every thing that you’ve ever argued about. “Needle Across the Record Moment” is when couples argue and someone says someone so outrageous that it freezes everybody within a 6 block radius. Oprah says what about when someone says the most horrible thing you can think of. Tom says that’s when you take it to the limit, eg I wish you’d be here for breakfast and they say “At least I’m not at the bar sleeping with strippers”. Oprah says alot of men are using the Tiger Woods thing. “At least I…” is a good argument says Jerry.
Last night after the closing of the Olympics, we got a sneak preview of The Marriage Ref. Greg is trying to spice his life up with his wife Dianah by having a stripper pole in the bedroom. They can’t agree who is or is not respecting who. Greg says that it is for both of their gratification, Dianah disagrees. Alec Baldwin voted for the wife. Kelly Rippa sides with the wife, Jerry Seinfeld sided with the husband. Oprah has a show of hands in the audience, bring on the pole just won. Tom says that it’s not cut and dry because the guy wanted to spice things up with his wife, but there is nothing more unattractive than someone who doesn’t want to be on the pole. Greg and his wife are live from Skype. Greg does not accept the judgement, he says that it’s still going to happen. Tom says that it is not going to happen, having met Dianah. She took the doorknob off the bathroom after the show. That is the only place that she can go and have peace and quiet and wait him out until he’s asleep so that she doesn’t have to hear about the pole. Tom says that the program is so great because Dianah will always know that America agrees with her.
Oprah’s viewers sent in video tapes of some of their problems, Teri and Jim from Wausau, Wisconsin have a problem with tortoises in their living room- they have 5 in their home, 2 are almost 70lbs a piece. They have a whole refrigerator dedicated to the tortoises.She scoops their poo out of a paddling pool. Jim rode on the back of a tortoise, Jalopy, in Staten Island zoo as a child. It had a sarcoma and he had surgery received radiation therapy. It was a life-changing experience, he ended up being a physician specialising in radiation therapy, in large part because of Jalopy. Teri thinks if she grew a shell, she’d be part of Jim’s life forever. They are in the audience. To Jim, the tortoises are like puppies, pets. Jerry asks Teri where she was when this started, it needed to be nipped in the bud. Teri says that unlike children, the tortoises can’t grow up and move away, they can live to be a hundred. Tom clarifies that there are 5. Tom says that when you get married you think that you marry the person that you are attracted to But that’s not it, marriage is a big sloppy mess, you marry inlaws, uncles, etc. This is Teri’s big sloppy mess. He thinks that bizarre as this is, they have created a family with the two of them and the turtles and they have to keep them together. Oprah agrees- she has 5 dogs and couldn’t give one up. Jerry says that dogs are pets, turtles are not. Oprah and Tom think that this is a family. Jerry says that the turtles don’t know that they are there. Tom says that they are expressing themselves too slowly to tell. Jerry says that an animal has to have a face to be a pet, an expressive face. Jim says he loves the turtles as much as they love him. Jerry says I’ll bet, zero. Oprah says that maybe they are using them for love and shelter. Jim says they love him. Oprah and Tom say that there needs to be discussion about future tortoises. Jerry says that they don’t need to go to the pet store, they are in the pet store.
Thurday nights at 10pm on NBC, Jerry says that all marriages have ongoing spats which go on and on. Emily from North Carolina has been losing sleep- her husband Will sleeps on the screened in porch in 17 degree weather. He urinates in a frozen blue bucket at night. They slept in the bed together for the first 6 years of their marriage, but the last two years he’s been on the porch at night. He loves to sleep out under the stars hearing the creek. They have a 2 year old and she wants to spend time together. He has dreams of the Appalachian trail, which he has decided to bring to the backyard. Jerry says that he loves the “under the stars” thing, but he’s on a porch with a roof, there’s no stars, in 4 seconds you’re asleep anyway. He say Will is out of his mind, he needs to go to camp with the other kids. The couple join them by Skype. Jerry says that they need to compromise and sleep together at least some of the time. Will says that the bed creaks and he gets up to go to the bathroom and his wife gets upset if he misses the toilet or leaves the seat up, so now he has a bucket outside. Oprah asks if everything else is ok in their marriage, they say yes. Tom asks who empties the bucket. Jerry asks why is he going in a bucket- Oprah says for the compost pile. Tom says that when you’re married, few people enjoy the actual sleeping in the same bed part, he snores, his wife talks. Kings and queens used to sleep in separate quarters and meet for shared time. Using a bucket outside, Gary is no king. Tom says that they need to worry about what they are doing to their son’s perceptions of things. He says Will has to get back in the bed as the creaking is not nearly as bad as the bucket.
Sonia and Rob are from London and they sent in a tape- Rob opens things then opens another without finishing the first. He wants fresh all the time, he does the same with toilet rolls, He likes to use a good metre of toilet paper per wipe, and at the end of the roll, quite frankly there’s not enough left. He doesn’t throw it out incase Sonia wants to use it. They are on Skype. Sonia thinks that Rob should finish what he started. Oprah says that she is to the last drop. Tom hates that moment when you have to get the bit out the bottom of the jar. He doesn’t understand the toilet paper thing. Oprah says that Stedman went to get a new jar of almond butter and she wanted him to microwave the end of the jar that was there to get the last spoonful. Oprah knows how Sonia feels. Jerry says his advice is don’t be such a good accountant- don’t count everything, she’s playing accountant. She can get her own peanut butter. Tom as the ref makes the final call, and lets Rob win. Jerry says that this will not help anyone. On the show, they are not trying to do serious issues, they are just trying to have a laugh. The couples have to love each other. Jerry loves being married and has found that now the relationships with his male married friends have deepened. Single friends think they are in a relationship; Jerry says that they are playing wiffleball and he is in Iraq. Oprah laughs.
Oprah asks Jerry about Blackberry issues which started with their shared producer. Jerry can’t do the creepy head down thing where people are reading their Blackberry and looking at you with one eye. There is a need for Blackberry etiquette- when someone is talking you cannot check your Blackberry, period. Its like going to the hardware store when you have to wait while you are being served because the phone rings- you should prioritise real humans over virtual humans. He does not text or talk on the phone while he drives. He used to, but he lost a frind in a fatal accident who was on a phone. Tom had a headset through his iPhone which was more dangerous than talking. He now uses Bluetooth. Jerry and Tom are gven the pledge to sign. Oprah thanks them. It is a good thing says Jerry. Oprah says that it took us a long time to do this for drunk driving, and she wants to make it so that no more people have to die. Jerry says that Oprah is the only person who can do this, because it has to become a collective conscience thing, a what are we doing? Oprah thanks him and reminds that The Marriage Ref is on this Thursday at 10pm/ 9pm Central on NBC.
WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:
Jerry Seinfeld believes that professional golf must be really, really boring.
Jerry Seinfeld says don’t be such a good accountant in relationships, don’t count everything.
Tom Papa says that marriage is a big sloppy mess.
There is a need for Blackberry etiquette- when someone is talking you cannot check your Blackberry.
Jerry Seinfeld says that Oprah is the only person who can do the No Phone Zone pledge, because it has to become a collective conscience thing.
A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:
Jerry Seinfeld says that animals need to have expressive faces in order to qualify as a pet.