another one year projectThis year we follow the words of Oprah Winfrey

It is with some trepidation that we are about to embark upon this years One Year Project. Originally we had planned to make transcripts of the Oprah Winfrey Show in its entirety, but when we discovered that you could buy transcripts at the Oprah website/ online store, we decided to reconsider. So, starting today, the idea is to blog along with the show- not to pause it or rewind it, but to attempt to catch the essence of the thing as we go along. Unfortunately, I am very much a two finger typist, so initial entries at least may be somewhat condensed. At the end of each show, we’ll do a rough spellcheck and hit upload and bam! Done for the day. Oh, we’ll put out a Twitter summary too, what’s that, 140 characters? Hopefully over the course of the year, typing skills will improve along with our knowledge of the ways of Oprah’s world. Also, we had hoped to do this live, at 4pm each weekday, but the two little children means that we’ll be blogging after their bedtime, courtesy of the DVR.

OK we’re up…

Imagine waking up and finding your life is a lie? What if you are being cheated on? Barbara’s husband Michael was a successful oral surgeon. They used to be so in love- he had a strong silent way, they were soulmates, like “Ken and Barbie” she was living the dream. He was a perfect guy, two kids, a happy suburban life. But, he was a dentist with DEMONS. He had a drug problem, he struggled with addiction and lost his medical license. One day he didn’t come home, Barbara went to look for him and found him being arrested.. with another woman in the car. Barbara didnt want to believe it; her entire idea of love and marriage was shattered. Michael then started a business selling body tissue- making $4 million in 4 years. But Barbara did not know Michael was stealing and selling skin bone and body parts without permission from grieving families. With his team, they dissected over 1000 bodies, some infected with HIV or Hepatitis and cancer. Corpses were stuffed with garbage to hide the missing parts. When Michael was arrested again, Barbara was devastated; she had stood by him. But now she knows her life was a lie, nothing is sacred. The truth makes the good times feel like a lie. Her memories are tainted but she wants to help other women avoid her pain. How could she have been helped? If friends know something, they should tell you. It’s very painful to know that others knew- your betrayal becomes multiplied.

Barabara counsels that you must hold on to your dignity despite your betrayal. Oprah says that checking up on someone means that the trust is already broken- the lies make you become someone you don’t want to be. The charges were placed, and Barbara became a stereotypical TV wife standing next to her husband. She didn’t know of the charges,  but she knew of the affair. After the affair, Michael said this would not happen again, and Barbara believed him. When charged with body part crimes, Barbara was told by husband that he was being made a fall guy. And she believed him.

Barbara takes us to her old house, full of painful memories, full of false security, false happiness, 8000 square feet of easy secure life. She had to sell her home, pay legal fees, pay victims. Karen joins us by Skype from New Jersey; her father was chopped up by Michael. Karen cannot forgive, what happened can not be undone. Her father , family and memories have been stolen. Barabara cannot apologise for her husbands crimes. Barbara has been wronged but not in comparison with the victims families. Michael may have apologised for his actions in court, Barbara is not sure- but she knows he is only sorry when he’s caught; for everything. Karen discovered the crime because a detective called her, asking for her brother Vincent. She said she had no brother but her Dad had been living with her. He informed her that there was a ficititious brother with a forged death certificate. Her father was a Korean war vet who didn’t want an autopsy. He was supposed to be a direct cremation. The body was picked up, and Karen talked to the harvester and found out what was done. It was a nightmare.

Oprah says that sorry sounds so hollow, that this is a heinous nightmare. Karen pleads for legislation to stop this happening again, and then she’ll have closure.

Michael was guilty of body stealing, forgery, larceny and grand corruption. At this point Barbara knew he was guilty. She asked Michael why, and he said he did it for greed, for the money. Then Barbara knew she had to get away from him. Her sons are doing ok, going forward in their lives. She has told them they can see Daddy if they want to- so far they don’t want to see him or write to him. He’s been away 2 years and the eldest went to see him to ask why. Four simple words “I made a mistake”. Barbara was furious; Michael wouldn’t elaborate.

Oprah’s favorite lessons is from Maya Angelou; Believe people the first time when they tell you who they are. A liar lies, a cheater cheats. There are red flags. With Michael he bought trendy shoes and started to go out at night. But as a surgeon always on call it was hard to see the signs. If B confronted him, he would always deny it. Barbara should have followed her instinct.

Thank you Barbara, her story airs on Wednesday night. Coming up, more betrayal, other people.

If you ever suspect a secret life is being led, remember Julie. She was together for 16 years with the kind of guy who lights the room up. Looking back at photos, Julie remembers a wonderful wedding day. They had a daughter and he was an affectionate and loving father. One day she heard a thud and downstairs he’d fallen over. Julie thought he’d be ok but the EMS guys couldn’t fix him. He died and Julie fell to the floor screaming in shock. Suddenly without his big personality to fill the house, its seemed so big and empty.

About six months later, looking for his address book, her friends found emails from women he was having  affairs with. Julie called them up. The second one, a mom like Julie was forthcoming, she even looked like Julie. The third woman was in Argentina . The fourth was from the gym. He had a way of charming the women. One of the affairs was the mother of Julie’s daughters friend- they had playdates and sleepovers, she was always in Julie’s house. In fact, the day Julie found out about the affairs, she had to pick up her  daughter at this womans house. There were five affairs going on, some of which were  overlapping. The daughters mothers friends relationship had been going on for two years.

What were the signs she didnt see? Julie had so much invested in her perfect life, in her pretty house in a  small town, she didn’t want to look at the signs. I f she’d looked for signs, she would have heard the conversations about other women and using the kids as  cover. Oprah says women often can’t help  mentioning the names of the person they are  in love with. The husband did  tell Julie about the women he’d met, and how she would like them. Julie was afraid that talking about the women would unravel her life. She chronicles her life in her New York Times bestseller, Perfection. We all want Perfection- perfect lives, bodies, kids- and it causes shame that we are not perfect. Julie wanted to explore what else perfection could mean. Julie met her husband when she was young, and thought that he was the man to grow old with- that was how she saw her life. She didn t imagine she’d be a young widow and have to deal with all this. Oprah says we often don’t want to rock the boat and ruin the picture we have.

When Julie decided to look again for someone, she wanted to find someone who shares her values. She met a lovely man who is more like her and they want the same things. It makes her cry because she is so happy and lucky to find happiness, lovely. Millions of women are watching right now, what would  Julie say to them? Julie found out that she’s much tougher than she guessed, she could look after herself and her daughter and trust again. She has a satisfying life. Her book is called Perfection.

The next guest, Karen, had a very opulent lifestyle- $100,000 a  month was easily spent on credit cards. She had  a Wall Street husband . She didn’t ask questions. They had the ultimate dream, with three condos overlooking Central Park, 2 kids, and lovely cars. If they couldn’t find it in NY they went to Milan. She was seduced by the lifestyle but had a rocky marriage. There were obviously other women, there were long absences, signs. She overlooked the affairs to keep her lifestyle. At 36, pregnant with her third, her husband came home and told her he was going to prison. He had been conning investors for millions of dollars. Karen found him tying a noose- he’d  been indicted by the FBI, and was due to go to prison next day. The hanging was a pretend attempt to solicit her sympathy. She gave him a cold shower and drove him to prison. He was patted down, climbed into a vehicle and Karen watched the back of his head get smaller. In her car, crying, the guard asked her to move the car. That was a wake up call- there would be no sympathy for her in her gold BMW. The nightmare began, the properties were to be taken. Does she play a role in this, having been seduced by intoxicating seductive money? She did not play a part in the crime, but in retrospect she had some culpability by wanting and expecting this lifestyle, by giving up her independence. The other guests had different situations but similar.

Even if you have the loveliest of surroundings, do not surrender your sense of self and independence. Working validates you and not working makes you be not validated. Don’t give up on you, whatever you do. Karen allowed her husband back to the family home when he got out of prison. When he went to prison she was so angry, with lots of screaming, and eventually she had to let the anger go. Eventually, over time, she looked at her marriage more sympathetically as she considered how to support her kids. She started to read his apologetic letters, she felt sorry for him and she let him sleep on the coach in the famiy home. It was a facade; he wasn’t sorry and his family was not his first responsibility. Karen needs the Maya Angelou thing. There’s never just one secret. One betrayal means there’s almost always others. When in prison, it is very easy to write some letters and say sorry and you saw Jesus and everything. Karen knows this now but she wanted to believe it. It was hardest for her to let go of the idea of her marriage, she didn’t want to let go of her dream of fairytale love and romance. Oprah attests to the difficulty of letting go of the hope and dream of what you always wanted. When Karen let the dream go, she had clarity. The fog of affluence and the fog of sleep-deprivation lifted. She had lost herself in the marriage. Rich friends  leave you like that. They’re tight and dont want to see what happened to Karen as it might be happening to them.

Thanks everyone.

WHAT WE LEARNED TODAY:

• Hold onto your dignity, despite your betrayal
• Believe people the first time they tell you who they are; a liar lies, a cheater cheats
• If you see red flags, follow your instincts
• Even if you have the loveliest of surroundings, don’t surrender your sense of self and your independence
• Don’t expect sympathy if you are sitting in a gold BMW

A VERY QUICK SUMMARY:

A liar lies, a cheater cheats, watch out for red flags and trendy shoes. Don’t give up on you whatever you do.